Husband says he is embarrassed by our adult kids

[TudorMary]

This is my first post and it’s long and has a few strands and don’t know where to start I keep rewriting.

I thought we were happy and husband was a good father. Kids no longer go on holiday with us etc and this upsets my husband.

Three kids. Elder 2 definitely took scenic route. Dropped out of uni, now happily working, 2 initially took science, failed 1st year exams, took year out now finishing 2nd year of Humanities degree at local university. Both live at home along with number 3 who last week came home to say she was convinced she had failed one of her papers, I think this is correct having done big of research which means she won’t get first choice and she now wants year off.

My husband has gone fucking ballistic and has gone from blaming me to blaming himself for not standing up to me. He has called all the kids losers but thankfully not to their faces but has said to daughter she will have to go to whatever uni will have her.

Now if you are with me! Husband close to brother and I actually like him and his wife but only when we meet them alone. When the kids were younger I used to have anxiety every time we saw them with kids. They had tons of them. It was chaotic. Litter on the floor. Debris everywhere. Rotting food the lot. Kids were sworn in front of, occasionally sworn at, if a risqué anecdote had to be told it was told no matter if the kids were around. and spoken at like they were 30. No concessions were ever made for their age.

First time we went out a four year old actually summoned a waiter to order another fizzy drink. Two year old given a knife to cut their birthday cake. I was on tenterhooks and no exaggeration sometimes took to my bed after seeing them.

Well every single one of their older children are either at medical school, are studying or graduated from an Oxbridge College.

My husband is now suggesting sister-in-law is parent of the year and he should have stood up to my prissy ways. A bone of contention is that they all still holiday together whereas our kids don’t want to know. He is embarrassed by our beautiful kids.

I am so sorry this is a novel. I am heartbroken thinking I must have done something wrong.

Very genuinely I am not anxious. I do not suffer from anxiety, it is a massive coincidence that this has been mentioned because I think the last but one time we were out with them it was niece and sister-in-law who had a conversation about how normal words like anxiety were pathologised and I went to the loo to look it up,

I do not think it’s appropriate for preschoolers or anyone for that matter to have a to have a ton of fizzy drinks and bypass parents to speak to waiters, I know no one else who would have allowed this.

As for my exacting standards re: housework I think I am normal in my approach. Brother-in-law and sister-in-law would literally never clean. They would have a bonfire party every year to counter the American Halloween culture deliberately as it was outside and they wouldn’t have to move debris to let people sit down, Every pregnant cat in the area would rock up to give birth in their house and there would be shit everywhere. All would be spayed but no homes found. MiL counted 9 cats a couple of regimes rabbits and hens. My FiL once admitted that he approached sister- in- law to ask if he could take her papers and magazines to read after she had finished just to get them out of the house.

I can’t quote but someone said the state of house was a motivator for their academic success. I don’t think so. They seem a happy sweary family. The house has ingrained dirt but isn’t as messy now as fewer kids to leave cans and popcorn packets everywhere but carpet sticks to shoes still.

Both my kids are highly educated. Firsts from top unis and one has an offer to do a masters from Oxbridge. One of them changed unis and works in the humanities. She wasnt suited to STEM but is happy where she is. Children are not clay, as a pp said. It does not do to compare them to others, though it is hard not to, sometimes.

Neither wants to holiday with me. In the limited time they have off, they want to travel with friends or just sack out. I think this is normal. When I was in my early 20s, I didnt want to holiday with my parents either! A meal out is sufficient.

They do come back in their mid twenties or later. I am very close to my mum now.

there's never been a worse time to be a dr

Doctors are always needed. It’s not a worse time to be a dr. Attitude like this is the reason UK has to rely on importing doctors.

Anyways going to a medical school is better than failing exams in uni and changing course.

What does your husband do that makes him so amazing that he gets to judge how your children live their lives. They are presumably happy, healthy and able to make their own choices. They haven't turned to a life of crime and arnt hurting anyone so I don't see what the problem is. Children don't exist to make parents look good. Life deals you a hand and you do the best you can with it. Enjoy your children as they are while you have the chance ❤️

I don't see what the problem is with your kids. So one's in employment, one doing a humanities degree and one still in school, but may not get their first choice uni?

Have I got that right? If so, then so what? If they're well adjusted and happy - brilliant.

Your DH is then obviously being unreasonable. But maybe it is down to living on top of each other. Could the eldest be persuaded to move out?

The bit about the SIL is more revealing. Sounds like you thought you were a superior parent to her and now you're kinda pissed her kids are more academically successful?

Firstly academic success isn't everything. Secondly comparison is the thief of joy.

If you have happy, healthy children providing for themselves, that's winning.

My cousin grew up in a chaotic, dirty house. He also went to Oxford University. However, a few years ago he drowned himself after years of addictions and mental health issues that saw him unemployed, homeless for a time and setting his own home on fire. Going to an Oxbridge Uni is no guarantee of anything really. This is about your husband's sibling rivalry with his brother. Very unfair on you and the children.

I am not blaming the state of his childhood home for his mental issues - just a similarity with the OP's inlaws.

Quite!

He's a dick and he sounds insecure. But a child ordering a drink or cutting a birthday cake is not objectively bad, some kids are competent to do that at the ages you describe.

WTF. As a parent I just want my children to be happy - are yours happy OP?

Uni isn't for everyone. I have 2 who are adults. One has a degree and a master's degree but has struggled to figure out what she wants to do with it and is currently drifting a bit. Although she's bought a house with her partner and on the surface seems quite successful. The other one left education (and home) after his A levels and is working in a job he loves in a field he's mad about, but definitely not a 'career job' so would be looked down on by many on this site. He's generally loving his life. He's definitely the happier one out of them at the moment.

This. ^

@TudorMary Neither you OR your DH are coming out of this covered in glory, you both sounds judgy and somewhat sneery. As a pp said, your 3 DC are individual people with personalities and dreams of their own, and are entitled to their own choices in life. I suspect that they are as they are because of their pushy judgemental father, and his clear disappointment with them. And as has been said, you sound terribly judgemental of your DH's family.

You're not compatible...

I am with you, OP. They are your children and you love them. Your older 2 have found their way, as the younger one will.

Your husband is obviously very competitive and values the wrong things.

I would absolutely stand up for my children in your shoes.

The most important thing is that they are happy and healthy. It's very and that he can't see that. I can't understand anyone who can look at their adult children and see failure. I can't comprehend it.

You sound horribly judgmental of your sister in law. Both you and your husband probably need to take a good look at yourselves. Your husband is embarrassed by his children and their mother looks down her nose and judges other people. Is it any wonder that your children don’t want to go on holiday with you?

Whatever your sister in law did or didn’t do worked well. She’s got successful children.
Yours may be less successful currently but I don’t believe success comes from degrees or well paying jobs.

Both of you need to give your heads a wobble before your kids decide they want to cut you off entirely not just for holidays

When people announce their children are studying medicine or law it can go down like a lead balloon. Its something I've noticed when in the company of people who mention this at functions etc when discussing family.
It's not a healthy attitude if parents can't be proud of their children for their own unique ways,especially if they are functional, stable & contributing members of society.

First 2 dropped out of university. 2 failed in science course so moved to humanities and number 3 is worried she would fail too. That is not exactly attending the uni, is it?

It's really not usual for adult kids to want to holiday with their parents, OP - they have lives of their own!

Why is your DH being so dramatic? His first son has a job, his second is doing a degree (what's so awful about humanities?) and his daughter has maybe failed a paper. Not ideal, but not the end of the world. It seems like he wants to punish her for that by making her go to a university that she doesn't want to. Is that the best way to set her up for success? Maybe a year out is right? Maybe it's not and she should go elsewhere - but not out of punishment.

From what you say about your BIL and SIL they do not sound authoritarian, does he really think they'd have reacted this way to your dd's situation? Your BIL and SIL seem to have raised confident children with high self-esteem. If that's what you and your DH want to then you need to listen to your DD and allow her to explore the best next step for her, not make a knee-jerk reaction.

And there's nothing wrong with families where young adults in their 20s holiday separately.

medical students going down like a lead balloon.

Why do you need to put other kids down to feel proud of yours?

Spot on!

First has a job that she is happy in. So many don't have jobs at all
Second moved from science to humanities. Hardly a crime. We need humanities.
Third failed one paper. Big deal. My DD failed a paper and still got a first.

You sound jealous and resentful that your sister in law managed to raise happy, successful children who like spending time with their parents.

It sounds as though he’s frustrated to have adult children still at home at ages where he perhaps thought they’d have spread their wings. I think it can be very trying and often frustrating to live with several other adults and have to negotiate all their behaviours, lifestyles and foibles - even if those adults are your own family. They sound like good kids, and he’s being unfair to call them losers, but all of you cooped up in the same house with no end in sight is going to take its toll on everyone; and their refusal to join on family holidays knowing their parents would like it, whilst happily taking advantage of the free/cheap accommodation and living at home would gall me a bit, tbh.

I agree with this. I can see his point if this is his issue.

Tbf most people would judge parents who let their dc live in a house full of cat shit.
It can be harmful.

OP I think you really need to separate a few issues. Firstly, as you say clearly the children aren't the problem, their father is. Complaining because your children take 'the scenic route' is bad enough; trying to blame the more-involved parent, you, is just utterly shitty. If he doesn't stop, I'd be considering separation over that.

Secondly, perhaps your husband wouldn't have these complaints if he didn't see his brother's children 'doing so much better'. Well, it's very immature of him to be so swayed by this comparison, and as has been pointed out, 'doing well' is not as easy to define as 'Oxford degree' etc. He needs to sort out his competitiveness towards his brother, methinks.

At one level I understand your husband's sentiment. I have a friend whose parenting was quite similar to mine, and her child is now at Harvard university, while we're crossing our fingers that our eldest will get into somewhere rather more modest. Yes, it can make you envious.

And then you give your head a wobble, as the MN expression goes, and remind yourself that all children are different and you parent the one you have, not the one you'd like to have. And see above about the elusiveness of definitions of success.

Lastly, again I see what you're getting at with mentioning the chaotic parenting at your in-laws ('why should things work out 'better' for them when they did that?'), but that's really a red herring. You're feeling defensive because your idiot husband is telling you that they were better parents than you, so you find fault. Not useful.

There's no way of knowing how your children would have worked out if parented by your in-laws, and vice versa. It's all nonsense, as I'm sure you're aware. As PP said, husband needs to pull head out of ass. I'm sorry you're having to deal with that, good luck.

Bloody love the sound of the other family. Totally Jilly Cooper types. Bet they wear handknitted jumpers, and holes in their socks, and weird hobbies, and wild tales 😆