Husband says he is embarrassed by our adult kids

[TudorMary]

This is my first post and it’s long and has a few strands and don’t know where to start I keep rewriting.

I thought we were happy and husband was a good father. Kids no longer go on holiday with us etc and this upsets my husband.

Three kids. Elder 2 definitely took scenic route. Dropped out of uni, now happily working, 2 initially took science, failed 1st year exams, took year out now finishing 2nd year of Humanities degree at local university. Both live at home along with number 3 who last week came home to say she was convinced she had failed one of her papers, I think this is correct having done big of research which means she won’t get first choice and she now wants year off.

My husband has gone fucking ballistic and has gone from blaming me to blaming himself for not standing up to me. He has called all the kids losers but thankfully not to their faces but has said to daughter she will have to go to whatever uni will have her.

Now if you are with me! Husband close to brother and I actually like him and his wife but only when we meet them alone. When the kids were younger I used to have anxiety every time we saw them with kids. They had tons of them. It was chaotic. Litter on the floor. Debris everywhere. Rotting food the lot. Kids were sworn in front of, occasionally sworn at, if a risqué anecdote had to be told it was told no matter if the kids were around. and spoken at like they were 30. No concessions were ever made for their age.

First time we went out a four year old actually summoned a waiter to order another fizzy drink. Two year old given a knife to cut their birthday cake. I was on tenterhooks and no exaggeration sometimes took to my bed after seeing them.

Well every single one of their older children are either at medical school, are studying or graduated from an Oxbridge College.

My husband is now suggesting sister-in-law is parent of the year and he should have stood up to my prissy ways. A bone of contention is that they all still holiday together whereas our kids don’t want to know. He is embarrassed by our beautiful kids.

I am so sorry this is a novel. I am heartbroken thinking I must have done something wrong.

Also as for holidaying with parents goes that just depends. I take mine on holiday now because we can afford to and I like them as people. Before this I would still go with them, my other siblings never did, but it’s just a preference thing. I like the same holidays as my mum, while they prefer a different style. My DP wouldn’t go with his even tho they’re great because his mum dilly dallies too much and it makes him stressed. Holidaying with people isn’t so much if you like them, it’s about if your relaxation styles are compatible.

It is tough to have adult kids at home. I find it hard. We are very cramped.
But almost inevitable given the housing crisis.

Could it be a knee jerk reaction to the news that (another) child has failed their exams? His feelings are valid.

Sure, but all of the OP’s posts suggest her train of thought is ‘But BIL and SIL kept a dirty house, so why are their kids high achievers?’

When there’s no relationship at all between household cleanlinesss and academic achievement. I mean, nice to grow up in a clean-ish house, sure, but it’s not going to make any difference to your cleverness.

I think both of you need to realise that a happy home is more important than a spotless home. If sister in law's children are all happy to be with their family, then they've done a good job, regardless of the chaotic and messy environment.

But I don't think your kids sound unhappy, or unsuccessful, or anything to be ashamed of. Lots of people take time to work out what they want to do. Changing degree subject after one year is better than sticking it out and potentially getting a low grade in the wrong subject. And if the child who thinks they've failed a paper is right, then maybe the best thing to do would be to retake next year?

And were the kind of mildly feral MC children with unbrushed hair and self-chosen outfits of tutus, holey jumpers and glitter wellies that Mners like to get annoyed about.

I do not think it’s appropriate for preschoolers or anyone for that matter to have a to have a ton of fizzy drinks and bypass parents to speak to waiters, I know no one else who would have allowed this.
As for my exacting standards re: housework I think I am normal in my approach. Brother-in-law and sister-in-law would literally never clean. They would have a bonfire party every year to counter the American Halloween culture deliberately as it was outside and they wouldn’t have to move debris to let people sit down, Every pregnant cat in the area would rock up to give birth in their house and there would be shit everywhere. All would be spayed but no homes found. MiL counted 9 cats a couple of regimes rabbits and hens. My FiL once admitted that he approached sister- in- law to ask if he could take her papers and magazines to read after she had finished just to get them out of the house.
I can’t quote but someone said the state of house was a motivator for their academic success. I don’t think so. They seem a happy sweary family. The house has ingrained dirt but isn’t as messy now as fewer kids to leave cans and popcorn packets everywhere but carpet sticks to shoes still.

But everything you’ve listed above has absolutely nothing to do how they nurtured their academic talent. There is no correlation between a clean house and getting a university degree as you’ve now learnt

I would not be happy if my husband spoke about our children like that, and he is massively disrespecting you too. Don't stand for it.

Well looking backwards and comparing your kids to other people's kids is pointless and unhelpful. So shut that down and redirect his and your energy into where you go from here.

In all honesty, as a family you sound like you lack resilience, maturity and the ability to stop and think before jumping to act. You and your DH need to work on that yourselves.

Child 3 is the obvious one to start with. Everyone needs to stop catastrophing and over reacting. She might have got the grades she needs. You'll not find out until August. If she did muck up and wants to take a year off, what's her plan? Resit? Get relevant work experience? Learn new skills that will make her more attractive to future employers (a language/Some specialist IT skill?). Will she pay board if working? Does she need help with her mental health, is she making a rational choice to take a year out, or is it made from a place of anxiety or depression? Husband's reaction to DD sounds silly.

Your eldest dropped out of uni and now has a job? Fine. Uni isn't for everyone. Is it a proper job? Will there be career progression? Is he paying you board? Is he saving to move out? Does he pull his weight with household chores/cooking etc.

Middle child made the wrong choice to begin with. Fine. It's better to recognise a mistake and fix it as soon as possible that keep on flogging a dead horse. Is he happy with his current course? What's his plan for after uni? Why did he choose to go to the local uni and live at home? Is he scared to leave the nest? Does he need help with his mental health?

Don't indulge your (adult) children, it won't help them in the long run. If you love them, you need to start nudging them out of the nest now.

Your DH is being a twat, and hugely disrespectful, but can I just say I went to Cambridge and nobody there had the slightest idea how to clean a kitchen! (Ahem, the rooms have cleaners in most colleges.)

I probably parent more like your in-laws (no cat shit though and we do have a cleaner) but really who gives a shit if the kids are happy and healthy. Ordering a fizzy drink not the healthiest thing in the world but I'd think it was adorable if I was with a 4yo who was confident enough to speak to a waiter!

You sound like you have some unspoken issues towards your in-laws - you mention having to go to the toilet to look up the word "pathologised" and "should have been reading the Guardian". Think about why they make you feel like that, and ask if you need to be kinder to yourself.

Well I wouldn’t want to go on holiday with your DH either.

Do you?

I smiled at your “Tons of them.” because you have 3 yourself! (I only have 1.)

My heart sank and then rose as I read through your post, as my small household is more like your in-laws. (Though I am by no means successful - though not unsuccessful either! - I too felt burdened by the weight of my parents being less than delighted by my progress through life.)

Your children are young still. Love them unconditionally and let them be to live their own lives. You do have my sympathy as I also tend to be insecure, and make comparisons that are unfavourable to myself, and beat myself up. Spare your children this if you can 💐

The house has ingrained dirt but isn’t as messy now as fewer kids to leave cans and popcorn packets everywhere but carpet sticks to shoes still.

And yet, you say they are a happy family who enjoys spending time together. Perhaps judge them less? Your husband isn't the only one with an issue.

Was discussing this yesterday. Of my four closet friends, the one who is less „successful „ is the only one who came from a normal, non parents hating each other other, non violent stable household. No need to prove self worth perhaps?

Get him to ask them if they want to go on holiday with him alone. I'm imagining it will still be no and he can stop blaming you for a perfectly normal situation.

@TudorMary he needs to get a grip, it’s not like they have ended up in prison or going into the world of crime.

Them not holidaying with you is no reflection on your parenting.

He can carry on blaming himself if that’s what he wants, but don’t let him put this on you xx

In my experience the majority of academic/intellectually gifted families attach next to no importance to cleanliness and general tidiness. Obviously this is a generalisation before I get leapt on. Given your in laws have picked up on the mess this would suggest that your sister in law is the messy academic one - who will have passed her genes on to the kids. So maybe tell your husband it is his non academic genes that are to blame 😂

This

My eldest (very clever, high achieving) ended up with his mental health in the toilet this year after starting a so called prestigious university. I couldn’t care less about what uni he goes to now as an alive and well son is better than a mentally ill one or worse.

I'd be interested to know what would make you happy, or what your children do that isn't disappointing?

Your sister in laws house sounds like mine, so this does cheer me up as DH always moaning about the state of place, and my laid back parenting. I hate housework and would rather do other stuff. My mum was the same so I can live with dirt as it's all I've ever known. Kids aren't driven or academic though.

Let it go, and enjoy your children. They will find their wings eventually and fly away.

The cat shit could have been in litter trays. The op doesn’t specify. Or a cat inadvertently crapped on the floor while she was visiting. I find it very hard to believe that anyone would live in a house with cat shit all over the floor and do nothing about it.

This is what I see in the OPs posts too

If you were to meet me when my dc were younger you would have probably said the same about my life/home/kids. Chaotic, loud, sweary, noisy etc. All of my adult dc are doing well and most importantly are happy, lovely people who im very close to and proud of. Imo both you and your dh sound highly strung and judgemental and your dc sound unhappy and stressed.

The OP’s adult children probably can’t wait for their parents to go on holiday and have the house to themselves, I know mine can’t.

Taking the scenic route is fine in your early 20s but by late 20s they need a life plan, a job and some prospects. Otherwise they’ll be sponging off their parents until they inherit the house, having robbed the parents of a serene old age.

Personally I’d start with the youngest. Gap year= Working and earning rent money (which I would then squirrel away into a house deposit if we could afford it).

I think op and husband have gone through life feeling superior to this couple and it’s now a bit of a shock that their kids are not superior (in their minds as it’s an odd value judgment) to their cousins. It’s rocked their internal belief system I think.