Husband says he is embarrassed by our adult kids

[TudorMary]

This is my first post and it’s long and has a few strands and don’t know where to start I keep rewriting.

I thought we were happy and husband was a good father. Kids no longer go on holiday with us etc and this upsets my husband.

Three kids. Elder 2 definitely took scenic route. Dropped out of uni, now happily working, 2 initially took science, failed 1st year exams, took year out now finishing 2nd year of Humanities degree at local university. Both live at home along with number 3 who last week came home to say she was convinced she had failed one of her papers, I think this is correct having done big of research which means she won’t get first choice and she now wants year off.

My husband has gone fucking ballistic and has gone from blaming me to blaming himself for not standing up to me. He has called all the kids losers but thankfully not to their faces but has said to daughter she will have to go to whatever uni will have her.

Now if you are with me! Husband close to brother and I actually like him and his wife but only when we meet them alone. When the kids were younger I used to have anxiety every time we saw them with kids. They had tons of them. It was chaotic. Litter on the floor. Debris everywhere. Rotting food the lot. Kids were sworn in front of, occasionally sworn at, if a risqué anecdote had to be told it was told no matter if the kids were around. and spoken at like they were 30. No concessions were ever made for their age.

First time we went out a four year old actually summoned a waiter to order another fizzy drink. Two year old given a knife to cut their birthday cake. I was on tenterhooks and no exaggeration sometimes took to my bed after seeing them.

Well every single one of their older children are either at medical school, are studying or graduated from an Oxbridge College.

My husband is now suggesting sister-in-law is parent of the year and he should have stood up to my prissy ways. A bone of contention is that they all still holiday together whereas our kids don’t want to know. He is embarrassed by our beautiful kids.

I am so sorry this is a novel. I am heartbroken thinking I must have done something wrong.

It sounds to me like your SIL's family treat their children as people rather than mini mes and in your family they are pressured to be a certain way.

The former allows growth and independence which might be why their children are more grown up than yours

OP, I think many have been harsh to you. I don't think you are judging your BIL and SIL but rather painting a picture because your DH is comparing your children to them and your mothering to that of your SIL's, which differs from you greatly.

As for DH's disappointment in his children, it sounds like he has some ego issues to work through himself. His children are not a reflection of him and he shouldn't be worried what other people think. Blaming you for how they turned out also deflects any responsibility on his part, since it seems he is so perfect in his eyes. I'd make it clear that you love your children and will not tolerate listening to him put them down.

It's natural for the kids not to want to take trips with their parents at this age. As for your daughter, her future is still wide open, really. The older two...give them some time. The difference between 20 and 30 is enormous. As for your SIL's kids....time will tell there too. Not all is at it appears...

But your husband will never be happy is benchmark for happiness is comparing his life to others. It's tempting, and human, and we can all fall into that trap at times, but it's very unhealthy.

It does feel like all three of yours might be lacking something…. Resilience? Work ethic? Tenacity?

And that may develop in time and you can help them with that. It's more important to contemplate this aspect of their life choices and behaviour than comparative housekeeping and parenting standards. In any case, wobbles like choosing the wrong course or having to resit an exam or accepting a Uni place somewhere you weren't so keen on, will happen.

Are you and your DH academic?

It's one thing to be worried about kids being flaky and "failing to launch" but being embarrassed and disappointed with them is just really ... unfatherly. As is blaming you for for raising them in a clean and tidy house
Agree.

I will get quote no doubt but.
You all sound like a bunch of judgemental stuck up bastards get of your high horse's.
Let your adult kids sort them self out let them choose what they want its not about the look you or your husband gets.
Embarrassed sounds like they have been raised in a home of the top is best coming first is the only place along with criticising if they get it wrong or change there minds.

There are so many weird assumptions here (why just the SIL? Why would you imagine the OP’s nephews and nieces will marry people with fantastically houseproud parents, rather than one @similarly uninterested in cleaning? Why do you think the SIL and BIL were bad parents?) that it’s hard to know where to start.

@Itallcomesdowntothis is correct in my opinion. The BIL family focused on different values and life skills and you didn’t.

Possibility 1: Your kids are all not very academic — which is totally fine, I believe with all my heart that everyone has their own strengths — yet have been initially pushed into an academic path

Possibility 2: They lack resilience.

I'm not a resilience-touting boomer type, I believe in TLC and support, but it is true that hothoused or coddled kids can be quite fragile and anxious about failure.

I think Possibility 2 is more likely, from "First time we went out a four year old actually summoned a waiter to order another fizzy drink. Two year old given a knife to cut their birthday cake. I was on tenterhooks and no exaggeration sometimes took to my bed after seeing them". I wouldn't necessarily parent like your SIL, but you sound incredibly neurotic and anxious, to a terrible degree.

All your posts suggest that you can't understand why you see their kids as doing "so well", given the background. You are revealing more and more about mess and chaos as if this should mean poor achievement.

I failed a paper in my second year of uni (feedback was that my tutor thought I hadn't understood the question - I still maintain she didn't understand the point I was making!). Still got a first and am now a lawyer. Failing one paper isn't the end of the world.

However if she is struggling generally maybe university just isn't right for her? My cousin (same age as me) dropped out of school after flunking all his GCSEs and now has his own very successful business (he's a roofer). I'm pretty sure he makes more than me. Would anything like that appeal? I am friends with a female carpenter, a female mechanic and a female plumber and their services are SO in demand - lots of women would prefer dealing with other women and aren't comfortable with having a random man in their home.

It's highly likely that your children have not done well at university because they never really wanted to be there in the first place and this will be a pattern if you or your husband keep judging them and pushing them into things that he thinks show success. Of course, success in life comes in many different guises, only one of which is academic achievement. As parents we should support them to be happy and content with whatever path they chose. As plenty have said, there are much much worse things than your children dropping out of university. I would have a real issue with your husband's attitude. Imagine thinking your children are embarrassing because they haven't got degrees or training to be doctors.
I wouldn't go on holiday with him either. I suggest it's only the start of them distancing themselves from him. Ultimately this will be his loss. He's not entitled to their undivided loyalty or to have influence on their lives and he might find out he becomes irrelevant to them very quickly.

Sounds to me like your kids are not making the transition to adulthood well.

Maybe it is because they have it too easy.

They don't seem to be doing too well at their uni studies (who is paying for that) and now aren't leaving home.

Sometimes kids need a bit of a push, to take responsibility and to understand the consequences of their actions. As a good parent I think you are there as a safety net in adulthood, to help them when they fall, but not to undermine their journey into being independent.

Unfortunately this is something that has been building up for years. Letting it go on for years and then suddenly going ballistic like your husband has done is not really the solution.

Sounds like your in-laws encouraged their children to have independence and resilience - two core skills that appear to be lacking in the teenagers of today (I work at a university so see this first hand) which set them up to exceed academically. I can see your husband's disappointment, but he has the kids he has rather than the ones he wants and needs to check in with reality instead of blaming you (although I do find your attitude towards your in-laws childrearing a bit odd).

He is just sharing his opinion with you, his closest person.
It shows that he is worried about the kids, that's all.
He should not be blaming you but the reality is that kids have a hard time making their way these days.
I would be worrying about the fact that the kids are dropping out. I hope, while they are young, they train at some qualification that helps them gain employment that can sustain them in joy and money enough to buy houses and have families etc.
I think he is right to expect that his child will have the confidence to live further from home, so to pursue their chosen career.
Early days yet. Wait and support your children until they launch off independently, hopefully soon.

Spot on

Do your kids take drugs, drink to excess or go out mugging or shoplifting? Then be proud of them. Let them live their lives. Support them.
My son dropped out of uni and it's the best thing he did. He now had a good job and most of all is happy.

First time we went out a four year old actually summoned a waiter to order another fizzy drink. Two year old given a knife to cut their birthday cake.

Its a good thing that a four year old has the social confidence to call over a waiter to order a drink. Children need to be taught or encouraged to do this.

Its also a good thing that chlldren from a young age know how to use a knife safely.

I think resilience (again I'm not some sort of "be cruel to be kind" boomer, I mean just in a bog standard way) is likely the issue. Failing 1st year exams is generally not very impactful, but all 3 of her children let this be a huge blow. 3rd kid wants to take a year off and change uni simply because she thinks she failed 1 exam and won't get her 1st choice of whatever (or was that meant to say first class? Which is paranoid because most unis, even the top ones, don't factor 1st year in much - and in fact after Covid, some don't even factor it in at all)

All seems very self-sabotaging perfectionist to me. I've seen people struggle at uni because they simply can't keep up, but I've also seen a lot of anxious coddled perfectionists crash at uni. This one strikes me more as the latter case. Just my own feeling though. I could be wrong.

What is all this rubbish about the children not demonstrating resilience and independence? It is normal for uni- and school-aged children to live at home. It is normal for them to not be certain what they want to do with their lives. It is normal to fail academically sometimes. It is normal to change courses. It is normal to have an everyday job. Jesus wept.

I dont hate housework but I don't love it either. I keep a clean tidy house simply because the idea of living in a dirty dusty hovel is my idea of hell. Its ridiculous to say the majority of academically gifted & talented families or indeed average families feel comfortable living in a messy unkempt household with feral kids.

My BIL who lives in the US has 3 sons, all either Ivy League grads or about to be, all engineers who will be snapped up by Google or Apple.
He is very strict and has incredibly high expectations. We are Asian , so generally expected to be doctors or engineers or lawyers.

I have the odd moment of envy as they will likely have an easier time making their way than my kids, but I have accepted that my kids are different and will find their own way in their own time. One of mine would have been very unhappy as an engineer or doctor certainly. The other could have hacked it, but has chosen to go into economic research.

I think it's just things like the OP having to physically lie down when she saw a child speaking to a waiter to order fizzy drinks, or a child cutting a birthday cake. Tbh which child could grow up normally in circumstances like that? Actually I'm wondering now if this is a wind up lol

Also I grew up in a chaotic household (not just messy but lots of moving around, new schools etc, not being forced to go to school if we didn't fancy it). I moved out at 16 and had already dropped out of school completely at 14. I love my parents but some of their choices were questionable! One thing they did give me though was lots and lots of stimulating conversation and encouragement (not saying you haven't done this for your DC, just saying a chaotic, messy house doesn't mean anything in terms of DC's future succes.

My siblings and I all dropped out of school pre-16. We've all done pretty well in our respective careers.

OP, I was with you until you started clutching your pearls over a child <gasp> addressing an adult waiter. And taking to your bed after being around people who allowed a child to cut their birthday cake (presumably under supervision and not locked in the downstairs loo or home alone in an empty house). At that point, you started to sound a bit ridiculous.

Perhaps your BILs house was dirty and unhygienic, perhaps you’re just being judgey - we’ll never know. Would you prefer that their children are paraded around in sackcloth and prevented from having any success in life because their parents were slovenly and don’t deserve to have children they’re proud of??

I think you are both being extremely judgemental. We don't know the full story but maybe he feels that you have given your kids an easy ride so they are not having to stand on their own 2 feet or really try with studying because they have house /bank of Mum and Dad. Maybe he feels taken advantage of them that they are still in house with no signs of moving out but don't want to spend time with you? He sounds full of frustration that you snobbily look down on the chaotic SIL but she has the successful brood. Think you need a deep conversation about where this is going and how you can get back on the same page.

Erm isn’t your husband also responsible for the children. What a twit.