Husband says he is embarrassed by our adult kids

[TudorMary]

This is my first post and it’s long and has a few strands and don’t know where to start I keep rewriting.

I thought we were happy and husband was a good father. Kids no longer go on holiday with us etc and this upsets my husband.

Three kids. Elder 2 definitely took scenic route. Dropped out of uni, now happily working, 2 initially took science, failed 1st year exams, took year out now finishing 2nd year of Humanities degree at local university. Both live at home along with number 3 who last week came home to say she was convinced she had failed one of her papers, I think this is correct having done big of research which means she won’t get first choice and she now wants year off.

My husband has gone fucking ballistic and has gone from blaming me to blaming himself for not standing up to me. He has called all the kids losers but thankfully not to their faces but has said to daughter she will have to go to whatever uni will have her.

Now if you are with me! Husband close to brother and I actually like him and his wife but only when we meet them alone. When the kids were younger I used to have anxiety every time we saw them with kids. They had tons of them. It was chaotic. Litter on the floor. Debris everywhere. Rotting food the lot. Kids were sworn in front of, occasionally sworn at, if a risqué anecdote had to be told it was told no matter if the kids were around. and spoken at like they were 30. No concessions were ever made for their age.

First time we went out a four year old actually summoned a waiter to order another fizzy drink. Two year old given a knife to cut their birthday cake. I was on tenterhooks and no exaggeration sometimes took to my bed after seeing them.

Well every single one of their older children are either at medical school, are studying or graduated from an Oxbridge College.

My husband is now suggesting sister-in-law is parent of the year and he should have stood up to my prissy ways. A bone of contention is that they all still holiday together whereas our kids don’t want to know. He is embarrassed by our beautiful kids.

I am so sorry this is a novel. I am heartbroken thinking I must have done something wrong.

That just doesn't square with you taking to your bed

@TudorMary

Gosh. Some of what you've written made me question myself. As I type, every kitchen surface is covered in plates, bottles (not wine! Ha!), STUFF. The cats litter tray needs to be emptied (yes, I can smell it) and there is cat litter on the floor next to the fridge. Our downstairs loo has a puddle of wee on the floor that's been there for about a week. Hmm. Various other examples you gave that you thought were utterly shocking could apply to my household.

We don't have many screens though. We talk, talk, talk all the time and my children's opinions are always welcome. We shout a bit. It can be a bit sweary (not much). We are a family but we are also a team.

My dc will be oxbridge/other top university candidates. They're not at that stage yet but they're both thriving in highly selective schools.

Oh yeah, the ordering a coke age 4.... I didn't allow fizzy drinks for my oldest age 4 but by the time my youngest was 4 they probably had one sometimes while eating out. I actively encouraged my children to order for themselves from about that age - obviously politely and I was always there. I used to send my oldest when he was still pre school age to the counter in coffee shops to make the order - he liked doing it and he always got an extra marshmallow in his babycino! (No, he didn't carry large cups of hot coffee on his own).

Your household rules sound absolutely fine. Nothing wrong with them and I'd also love to live in a tidy and clean and well ordered house. I am just not a well ordered domestic goddess (I do try). But my children knew how to put a wash on/hang it out, make basic meals and load/unload the dishwasher by age 10.

I dunno. So much of what you said (in horror it seemed?) about your in laws resonated with me. I just don't care enough about having clean surfaces. I care so much more about how much time I'm spending with my children, have they done their homework, did they do the extension work, are they doing enough sport, are they practising their music, are they doing holiday camps that might help them choose their university courses in a few years, do they have good friendships etc etc.

They still order drinks directly in cafes etc (if I have said they can) and they are confident young people.

I'm sure your children are equally brilliant and it sounds like your husband is just blaming you as the easy option. Anyway, going to Oxford or Cambridge is just a few years of your life. It doesn't guarantee happiness or success.

That house was migraine inducing. You’re not the first poster to question the veracity of what I am saying so there is nothing else I can say.

The ordering a coke thing - I have always taken every small opportunity to help my children speak to strangers, ask for things themselves, speak up etc. In a safe and careful way of course. But it's so good for their confidence and they learn quickly how much they can do when they try.

@TudorMary My house gives me a migraine sometimes. I'm not proud of that. But it's possible to raise happy and healthy children with a substandard level of cleaning. I also wondered how much it might be a multiple children thing? Your nappy example.... First child - almost every nappy was disposed of straight away. by my last there definitely would have been the odd nappy that I thought I'd binned but hadn't. Literally no one was hospitalised ;-)

In my defence, my children have clean clothes every day, clean pyjamas every night (lots of people think that's excessive), clean towels ever few days, clean sheets every week and extremely good food. The kitchen floor is a health hazard but we eat from plates on the table so that doesn't matter much!

Children often don't want to practice their instruments. I do my fair share of screaming about it. My children practice. If I let them give up they might have scraped by to grade 2. Both were at grade 5 in two instruments by the end of year 6. I'm much more relaxed about practice in secondary school and would allow them to drop something if they wanted to now they're at a good level, but because they're at a good level they really enjoy playing in orchestra/concert band etc. They don't have to continue with exams.

I can see how my way/your SIL's way might sound pushy to some people. I dunno. I took the view that it was best for them long term and they didn't hate practice enough that it made them miserable. They would just have chosen to watch horrible histories instead probably (which they could just do after their practice!)

I have no problem with kids attracting waiter’s attention or ordering it was the second Coke I objected to. I would not have allowed Coke at that age at all but by the time my youngest one came along it was a losing battle but it would have been only one.

About 15 years ago a carvery opened for next to nothing if you had tokens from a tabloid which she cut out. Her 3 and 4 year olds carried hot plates of Sunday Roast. Reached up to pour boiling gravy on their dinners. They had a couple of waiters and other punters gathered round. SiL had to point out it wasn’t a bomb they were carrying.

And did they spill the gravy and burn themselves? I'm guessing not. Children learn by taking risks. Worst case scenario they would have spilt a bit of gravy on their skin and dropped their plates.

Also, one coke, two cokes... potato potahto. Really not a big deal. As I said, mt oldest wouldn't have known what a coke was age 4. But my youngest would (he preferred lemonade though ;-) )

It's funny how 'a ton of fizzy drinks ' and 'unlimited fizzy drinks' has become 'a second coke'. And I'd be amazed if a carvery offering meals for tokens from a tabloid (I thought DHs complaint was that ILs were always reading the guardian?) had 'boiling' gravy.

Look you clearly think that having a clean house with a toilet reserved for guests should have bought you kids at Oxbridge, and parents who brought their kids up in a tip don't deserve that. And if relatives were saying that if this family lived in a council house they'd have been reported to social services then one of you should have reported them. Shame on you if you genuinely thought that and did nothing.

I just don't really understand why you're combing over these details from years ago. What relevance is the gravy now?

Tbh criticizing other family members when your own isn't doing to great is usually to make you feel better. Not sure when going to uni was the only achievement in life myself and 3 siblings all started our own careers without uni and successfully have our own businesses all our own choices neither forced or deterred from the idea of going tho. Sadly some cousins have major debt problems from uni and still didn't get any qualifications while we are sitting with own houses cars etc. Swings and roundabouts but neither going or not defines what an achievement is. What you write comes across an unhappy household we all happily lived with parents x5 till mid 20s and still do the holidays, sleepovers if we fancy it. Never once have I heard either of our parents push or criticize our choices just guide and help. My dad is a quiet man but he has always said how proud he is we are all standing on our own feet

Exactly. Utterly baffling.

I don’t have kids so perhaps I’m not the best person to comment, but why on earth is letting a 4 year-old pour gravy such a big deal? As someone said upthread, children learn from being allowed to take risks. And how did we go from unlimited fizzy drinks to two cokes. Anyway.

I think OP’s comment that her nieces and nephews would not have “got into Cambridge” had she reported their living conditions to SS is very telling indeed. Because nothing is more important than getting into Cambridge. Not even children growing up in a safe environment.

Wait, what? You restrict which toilet people can use?

but using a knife to cut a cake is odd?

You said you were bothered by the 4 HR old bypassing their parents to order directly, you literally stated that was the problem.

Some parents allow their children to do potentially hazardous things earlier, if noone has ever had a scaled in that scenario they may just know their kids capabilities (I wouldn't allow it, or fizzy juice for a 4 yr old for that matter and my youngest is 4, eldest had fizzy water at 3.5 because I was drinking it for nausea while pregnant and eventually had fizzy flavoured aftershave and things occasionally at 5/6 and now at 7 it's a big treat when eating out to have a fizzy juice)

My youngest knows what fizzy juice is at 4 but has no interest in it... Sweets though, I don't think eldest knew what a jelly baby was, you gest definitely does 🫣

I think @TudorMary you got to the root of the difference. What you said about if your kids lost interest in something you are ok with it and your SIL will tell the kids off for giving up. There is probably a balance in between.

What i have seen in some cases is that the families with kids that have a comfortable upbringing and freedom is that the kids grew up knowing there's a fallback option. They don't feel the need to find their path quick because they never had to and mum and dad are financially secure for them to depend upon while they find themselves. They will eventually get there, but could mean in their 30s.

It’s really simple. Your SIL gave her children the confidence to be whoever they were. I’m convinced that his the secret to a good life. Your husband ( and maybe you?) just laid expectations of greatness at their door. My dad did the same to me. Just expect d me to scrape myself off the floor of my working class up bringing and somehow present myself at Oxford and excel He spent every evening and all our money in the pub and sent me to the local crappy comp. It took me most of a lifetime to shake off that feeling of inferiority which was never mine to begin with. It’s not too late to start to engender confidence in your children

Never heard of this company
Good for john...!

You seem to be agreeing with my original post where I clearly say
there's never been a worse time to be a dr... AND many people find their own happy and successful paths through without much education...
So not sure how that makes me a twat but okay?

Also
No surgeon or doctor or Oxbridge grad has set up a business that's not only worth millions but is also the WORLD LEADING company in its field, at the age of 20.

No, they haven't...probably because they dont exist? It's literally impossible to be a trained dr or surgeon by age 20 so.... 🤷🏻‍♀️😵‍💫

I've also got double digit "agrees" on my original post which indicates I'm not alone in my (twatty) opinions 😅

Meh or maybe they just don't want to go on holiday with mum and dad as adults? I love my parents to bits but as soon as I was 18 I'd have rather been in Ibiza with my mates or on a beach somewhere with my boyfriend. That's normal!

But why do you care? It's not your family.

What you've realised later on in life is that there are different ways to raise happy healthy adults. Kids aren't robots where input = output otherwise we'd all parent the same way. What for you were major non negotiables were nothing major for your SIL. Probably there were things that for her were non negotiable that for you were not important and you don't even think of.

Who cares. If you'd let a cat poo on your floor I guarantee your kids would still be your kids and if she hadn't let her cat poo on the floor her kids would still be hers. These things which seem so important at the time just aren't usually in the long run. I'm sure there are things you've both done amazingly and both could have done better.

Your kids sound fine, and nice. Adult kids going on holiday with their parents isn't the norm, your husband needs to chill out.

You both sound super judgemental and controlling to be honest. Your children are not puppets, they are their own people with their own lives, personalities, choices, let them get on with it.

Your husband sounds ridiculous. And brining BIL and SIL into it is ludicrous- what they do in their business. I’m sure letting their children run riot didn’t have an impact on their study choices, but equally they do seem to have encouraged independence from a young age, which has been proved to be positive. Their kids might just be naturally bright!

You can’t treat the third one differently to the first two and afford them fewer opportunities to take their time, is the bottom line.

You're a woman who wouldn't let her family use a convenient loo, so I'm going to suggest that your idea of what constitutes substandard housekeeping may be a tad skewed.