Husband says he is embarrassed by our adult kids

[TudorMary]

This is my first post and it’s long and has a few strands and don’t know where to start I keep rewriting.

I thought we were happy and husband was a good father. Kids no longer go on holiday with us etc and this upsets my husband.

Three kids. Elder 2 definitely took scenic route. Dropped out of uni, now happily working, 2 initially took science, failed 1st year exams, took year out now finishing 2nd year of Humanities degree at local university. Both live at home along with number 3 who last week came home to say she was convinced she had failed one of her papers, I think this is correct having done big of research which means she won’t get first choice and she now wants year off.

My husband has gone fucking ballistic and has gone from blaming me to blaming himself for not standing up to me. He has called all the kids losers but thankfully not to their faces but has said to daughter she will have to go to whatever uni will have her.

Now if you are with me! Husband close to brother and I actually like him and his wife but only when we meet them alone. When the kids were younger I used to have anxiety every time we saw them with kids. They had tons of them. It was chaotic. Litter on the floor. Debris everywhere. Rotting food the lot. Kids were sworn in front of, occasionally sworn at, if a risqué anecdote had to be told it was told no matter if the kids were around. and spoken at like they were 30. No concessions were ever made for their age.

First time we went out a four year old actually summoned a waiter to order another fizzy drink. Two year old given a knife to cut their birthday cake. I was on tenterhooks and no exaggeration sometimes took to my bed after seeing them.

Well every single one of their older children are either at medical school, are studying or graduated from an Oxbridge College.

My husband is now suggesting sister-in-law is parent of the year and he should have stood up to my prissy ways. A bone of contention is that they all still holiday together whereas our kids don’t want to know. He is embarrassed by our beautiful kids.

I am so sorry this is a novel. I am heartbroken thinking I must have done something wrong.

How many children is TONS of children @TudorMary ??? 79, 80? How many do your DH's brother and sister in law have? 😆

I don't think the ordering a drink or knife thing are odd. I encouraged mine from early on to talk to waiters etc. I'm also a big swearer. Having said that.
I have 2 adult children. Eldest redbrick university, 1st class degree in Maths, headhunted, lives in US. But now taking a sabbatical to find out what he really wants to do.
Younger, ballsed up all exams, still lives at home, series of zero hours jobs. Now working in a manual trade, training and earning more than his brother. Good stable career with excellent pay. Jokes he's now the only person in the household with a proper job as the rest of us are all freelance/ working in marketing bollocks.

Not embarrassed of either of them. Point being different kids find their thing at different times and sometimes the their thing isn't really their thing. If we're lucky we get a long time on earth. Let other people enjoy it and get on with being themselves. You and DH both need to take a step back and stop being so judgy of your children/your in-laws. IMO

If a chaotic home meant academic success then pushy middle class parents would create a chaotic atmosphere to get their kids into top unis. We’d have posts on here from people wondering if their house was dirty enough for their kids to get that advantage.

There’s lots of factors that contribute to success. While the house may have been filthy, your SIL did the right thing encouraging a confident attitude (ordering drinks from a waiter and using knives) which helps in life. I’m not sure why the knife thing was so shocking - I have photos of my kids as 3 year olds chopping with a knife and I don’t think that they are out of the ordinary ? Your post makes it sound like you expected your SIL’s kids to be the ones who “took the scenic route” while yours went to medical school etc. It would be interesting to know how the kids live after they leave home. I suspect that not all of them will think that the end (Oxbridge medical degree) justifies the means.

Your h is massively unreasonable to blame you- where was he ? He had 18+ years to do “chaotic” stuff too. If he thinks that his kids are embarrassing then he needs to get a grip - your kids aren’t in jail, on Only Fans or junkies which wouldn’t be something that I’d be broadcasting.

It's interesting isn't it that if the academic children had failed at school, some people might blame their chaotic, filthy home life.

It’s difficult not to project our own insecurities and perceived failures onto our children. We naturally want more for them. We want them to fulfill their potential and not make the same mistakes we did. Your DH sounds like he had high expectations of his children and he thinks they’ve wasted their potential.

It’s a mistake to do this. We have to allow them to find their own way and make their own mistakes. Some make more than others, but all we can do is be there for them and help them navigate their path.

My eldest is considering where he goes next after his do a year at school. It’s hard not to go full out ambitious parent and push him towards one particular direction. I’m doing my best not to do that and to encourage him to look at all his options, not just the academic and obvious.

Your DH sounds anxious for their futures and I hope this is at the route of his unpleasant comments. Their reluctance to go on holiday as a family is probably due to the pressure and disapproval they feel coming from him.

@TorroFerney I see this pattern a lot. I do know some people from stable homes who are successful, but everyone I know who is really successful comes from some kind of broken home. I would prefer my kids to be happy than successful to be honest, especially because by the time we die they will have something to inherit. One of my driving factors was that I knew I wouldn’t get anything when my parents died. I vividly remember thinking at 12 “I’m fucking sick of being poor” after getting the piss ripped out of me for my hand me down PE trainers.

Your children are fantastic individuals I am sure and shame on your husband for thinking otherwise! Seriously shame shame shame on him! If they are kind, respectful and willing to work hard you both have every reason to be proud of them! My children are young yet, DS is only 8, but hates school, his reading is a little slow and his writing, but his practical skills? He can cook super, he will wash dishes, he will shear lambs, he will take care of his sister, he will muck out sheds and feed the dogs, and I am super super super proud of him, academic or not!

Yikes, so much to unpack here!

Your husband sounds awful. It's one thing to be worried about kids being flaky and "failing to launch" but being embarrassed and disappointed with them is just really ... unfatherly. As is blaming you for for raising them in a clean and tidy house (WTF) - why wasn't he doing the Guardian crossword with them and stimulating a love of learning and encouraging persistence? What a knob end.

My parents made very clear to me that I was considered a disappointment (and sometimes an embarassment) and you know what, I would not have wanted to go on holiday with them as an adult either!

Your judgement about BIL and SIL's housekeeping standards is nasty. I'm not saying that was "good" for their children but it sounds like the parents encouraged education and pushing beyond comfort zones. There's nothing wrong with allowing children to speak confidently to adults (as long as they are polite). My youngest is quite shy and I encourage her to give the waiter her own order and she's really pleased with herself afterwards. Using a knife to cut into a large cake (very low risk of it slipping) under supervision is fine too.

I think you've lashed out towards them because your husband (totally unfairly) attacked you by comparing you to SIL.

Also ... nuture doesn't count for everything. Some kids are naturally academic and driven regardless. And some will naturally drift no matter what support they have.

The best thing you can do is have firm words with your husband and together work at supporting and encouraging your children when they have wobbles. Forget about comparing them to Oxbridge graduates, for most of us mere mortals that was never a possibility. They can still bu8ld good and happy lives.

You seem more bothered about the state of your SIL house than your dickhead husband.

get a cat and you’ll all chill the fuck out.

One of my husband's kids mucked about at failed his Highers. Got into a management training course. Was the top student until Christmas. Mucked about. Lost his job.

His parents told him to work for a living. He picked up jobs here and there while paying his own way through a practical course. As luck would have it, a work-related journal had a space for a trainee reporter. He got the gig.

He's now been a freelance journalist for many years.

The other kid dropped out of uni after a year. Was told to work for a living. Did so , but also got their degree through the OU. Did very well in their chosen career.

😀

Why do we put so much importance on academic success? My father was labelled as someone who would amount to nothing and dropped out of school at 14, he turned out to be one of the most successful men in this area, built a huge house for us all and is extremely well respected . I on the other hand graduated with a 1st class honours Bcs and Im at home raising kids 🤷🏻‍♀️

SIL House - loud, confident, happy, not perfect loving family. Children allow explore who they want to be and choose courses they are interested in

Your house - judgemental, strict, high expectations, not good enough family. Children expect to following certain educational paths rather than find something they are interested in

How rude to blame you.

I have one son who wants to go to medical school. I am doing my best to help him but it actually sounds awful. Read the post on here about unemployed junior drs. It’s not a profession I would choose for him. He may get well paid down the line but it will cost 100 grand to put him through 5 years of medical school. It’s a hugely stressful job. Every dr I have spoken to has said don’t do it. It’s not a life I would choose for him.

My other son is 18. He left school at 16 to do an apprentiship. He will be a homeowner by the end of the year as he has worked hard and saved.

So they are on completely different paths.

it’s irrelevant what other people are doing.
I do agree though that a bit of low level neglect can inspire independence and a strong desire to rise above their home life and do well. That is far from always the case though.

it’s incredibly hard to get into medical school so I imagine they must have had some help

’ I do not think it’s appropriate for preschoolers or anyone for that matter to have a to have a ton of fizzy drinks and bypass parents to speak to waiters, I know no one else who would have allowed this’

Well you are meeting one now. We encouraged our children to very politely ask waiters for a drink to build confidence and independence. One of the smartest things my parents did with me and we passed it on. They obvs had to get our permission first and we made sure there was a lot of p’s and q’s.

Building confidence and resilience is important. Ease back on your judgement with distain without thinking it through.

Reading your brief post (because we don’t know the people) I would suggest your SIL kids were more self sufficient and learnt independence which built resilience and equipped them to bounce from failure and succeed. If you needed to lie down as you said after you saw then perhaps you weren’t teaching your kids the same thing and being over involved. You will always love your children no matter what but your OH does have a point. Your children unfortunately havent demonstrated any resilience once they hit the real world.

Husband is acting like a pr!ck!

Kids have to find their own way in life. As your nieces and nephews have.
All we can do is our best, guide them and support them to make good choices hopefully.

There are adults all over the world that still haven't figured themselves out.

Some kids are just very academically able. Some work extremely hard. Some both. It's not all to do with parenting.

It does sound like she allowed her children to be independent, advocate for themselves and take risks from a young age which I think is generally good.

Your husband's job is to love the children he has and also not blame you for any parenting "fails". He's 50% of their parenting so unless you rode roughshod over him why blame you?

Also why have they dropped out of uni - can't be arsed, or worked really hard but they just weren't able to keep up?

Have you funded all the uni?

The cousins calling waiters over and using knives from a young age could show that their parents letting them be independent may have contributed to their later life success, or it may be other factors! I think comparing kids is pointless - they are who they are and everyone grows at their own pace. We just have to support them and be there for them as they make these big decisions - it's hard to let go though. I'm sure they'll be fine and sometimes a bit of adversity is more character-building! Good luck!

It does sound like your children don’t take their education seriously, your husband shouldn’t blame you but I can understand his frustration

Perfectly put, @CreationNat1on!

Well I’d have a major issue if my dh was telling me OUR dcs didn’t turn out well it was MY fault (or HIS for letting me get away with ‘my’ ways).
I wouldn’t take to the blaming game well tbh.

It is quite possible that he is comparing your dcs/your life to his brother and dcs.
For which he is wrong
1- because how well a child does isn’t JUST about they’ve been parented.
2- defining success only on how good the Uni the dcs are going to is shit
3- I get why he is upset the dcs don’t want to holiday with you two. But them my question is: how much effort has HE put into building a relationship with them? Has he ever taken them on day out on their own, 1-1 bounding time for example? Buying birthday presents? Knowing about their life?

On the other side, you might want to accept that you have a different approach to life than your BIL and SIL. You’ve noticed all the things that you felt were inaporopriate. Most people would. But clearly thete was also a lot of good too. It’s ok to recognise it. You can’t be assuming that because they have loads of animals, they can’t be good at parenting at all.

Concentrate on your dcs.
Support them
And remind your dh that if he thinks somethimg ‘has gone wrong’ with your dcs, then he is part of the problem. Not fir letting do as you wanted but fir NOT having done some if work himself, communicated with you etc….

Your sil will be on borrowed time until the kids have kids and they realise how bad of a parent she was compared to their spouses’ parents. So your husband shouldn’t be using them as a yardstick

I can only assume your husband went to oxbridge and has a hugely successful career. if yes, clearly education isn't everything since he's a miserable cunt. if no, then he's a bloody hypocrite.

I suspect they don't want to go on holiday with their judgemental father and your prissy ways (if they indeed are...)