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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unsure about what to do with long term boyfriend

133 replies

Lunalara · 19/06/2025 20:29

This is somewhat a follow up from the previous thread I started up. We managed to resolve that problem, but it still stands that my boyfriend (23) will not plan ahead for marriage. I am currently 27, and naturally have started to think ahead. I understand that my boyfriend doesn’t want to get married right away, being so young, but I am concerned as he is not coming up with a rough plan. Am I being unreasonable to be stressed over this? Is it wrong to throw away an otherwise perfect relationship over anxieties that might not end up becoming true?

This all started over a coworker. I found him attractive, but initially tried my best to ignore him. He then started flirting with me, which essentially woke up a primal instinct in me 😓 It’s like I am suddenly terrified of being strung along by my current partner, even though he has said he wants to marry me in the future. I feel like a bit of a mess tbh. Should not wanting to plan ahead be a deal breaker in this context?

OP posts:
Springadorable · 19/06/2025 20:41

Does your bf know about the co worker? How long have you been together? If someone had asked me about marriage plans at 23 then I would have ended the relationship, nevermind waiting for them to end it!

MiddleAgedDread · 19/06/2025 20:46

How long have you been together?

Original poster
Lunalara · 19/06/2025 20:47

4 years

OP posts:
Original poster
Lunalara · 19/06/2025 20:49

No, because I have no idea how invested this coworker really is.If he is more actively pursuing me ie exchanging phone numbers etc then I will make more active decisions. It would be stupid to mention him when he turns out to be a complete fantasy.

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 19/06/2025 20:50

Why does he at 23 need to "come up with a rough plan" and why does this concern you so much?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/06/2025 20:51

Well that makes it sound like your BF is a make do for now.

2024onwardsandup · 19/06/2025 20:51

He’s 23 he’s a baby!

greengreyblue · 19/06/2025 20:52

You need an older man or someone your own age. Men typically mature later so you’ll be waiting another 5 years I reckon. Is he worth it?

Original poster
Lunalara · 19/06/2025 20:52

I see marriage and kids as part of our future. I worry that if he hasn’t done any moving forward plans with me after 4 years, he will always see me as a comfort girlfriend and not wife material. He also initially said after dating me that he can’t see himself get married before 30. He has since said he doesn’t know, but that initial comment seems to reflect his attitude. I would be 34 when we marry in that case.

OP posts:
greengreyblue · 19/06/2025 20:53

Lunalara · 19/06/2025 20:52

I see marriage and kids as part of our future. I worry that if he hasn’t done any moving forward plans with me after 4 years, he will always see me as a comfort girlfriend and not wife material. He also initially said after dating me that he can’t see himself get married before 30. He has since said he doesn’t know, but that initial comment seems to reflect his attitude. I would be 34 when we marry in that case.

So?

Original poster
Lunalara · 19/06/2025 20:53

I don’t mind waiting longer, but surely he should know that after setting up a successful career, he would want to marry me?

OP posts:
AnonKat · 19/06/2025 20:53

Well clearly you dont love him. So sounds smart that he isnt planning ahead.

Plus he is 23!

Branleuse · 19/06/2025 20:54

I think you want to explore things with your colleague, but want to make it about your current boyfriends lack of commitment.

2024onwardsandup · 19/06/2025 20:54

He’s 23 - he has no idea what he wants out of his life. You are not on the same path - move on.

Original poster
Lunalara · 19/06/2025 20:55

I do. I didn’t think about this until the coworker came into the equation. I could suddenly visualise being with someone closer my age, and it got me wondering. Do you think I am overthinking the lack of planning? I have seen loads of comments from people saying that I risk ending up being the placeholder.

OP posts:
Catladywithoutacat · 19/06/2025 20:55

You’re in your 20s slow down

Hankunamatata · 19/06/2025 20:56

He has already told you he said he doesnt want to get married before 30

He isn't giving you a plan as he knows you won't like it.

OneLemonGuide · 19/06/2025 20:57

Catladywithoutacat · 19/06/2025 20:55

You’re in your 20s slow down

Late 20s… it’s normal to want to make plans to settle down at that age, especially as a woman.

SummerInSun · 19/06/2025 20:57

I was about to post “who on earth knows who they want to marry at 23?!? That’s still a virtual infant! You haven’t even developed your full adult personality yet” But then I remembered my parents were 23 when they got married and have been very happily married for over 50 years.

But it was a different world then. I think you are expecting too much from someone too young.

Tagyoureit · 19/06/2025 20:58

Well firstly, just because you've been together for 4 years already it doesn't mean you are going to be together forever.

Secondly, if you're thinking about your co-worker then you're not entirely happy in this current relationship.

Thirdly, why are you dating a child? I think you're expecting too much from someone so young.

Pipsquiggle · 19/06/2025 20:58

YABVU
He's 23 FFS. I would be worried about any 23 year old having a plan about marriage

If you're ready to settle down, you leave and find someone who is ready to commit

Mischance · 19/06/2025 20:59

So - you are hedging your bets - keeping this fantasy romance with a co-worker on the bubble in case your bf does not come up with the marriage goods?

Your bf is 23 - 23!!! He is right to be wary of settling down so young.

And your whole attitude to all this shows you are not mature enough to enter into a life commitment.

I feel a bit sorry for both these young men.

Dillydollydingdong · 19/06/2025 20:59

You're both so young. What's the hurry? Relax. The time isn't wasted if you're enjoying yourselves. You may end up together, you may not. Who knows? The time to start worrying is in about ten years time.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/06/2025 21:00

How would you feel if he met a flirty coworker and thought I told my GF I didn't want to marry until 30. Should I see if it goes further with the coworker if GF won't wait

Flixon · 19/06/2025 21:01

He is FAR too young to know WHAT he wants in the future. If you at 27 are ready to settle down you need to leave and find a partner at the same life stage as you. That said, if you are already thinking about other possibilities this is not the right relationship anyway. Move on