Unsure about what to do with long term boyfriend

[Lunalara]

This is somewhat a follow up from the previous thread I started up. We managed to resolve that problem, but it still stands that my boyfriend (23) will not plan ahead for marriage. I am currently 27, and naturally have started to think ahead. I understand that my boyfriend doesn’t want to get married right away, being so young, but I am concerned as he is not coming up with a rough plan. Am I being unreasonable to be stressed over this? Is it wrong to throw away an otherwise perfect relationship over anxieties that might not end up becoming true?

This all started over a coworker. I found him attractive, but initially tried my best to ignore him. He then started flirting with me, which essentially woke up a primal instinct in me 😓 It’s like I am suddenly terrified of being strung along by my current partner, even though he has said he wants to marry me in the future. I feel like a bit of a mess tbh. Should not wanting to plan ahead be a deal breaker in this context?

I think your answer is clear in the fact that you’re even contemplating pursuing your coworker? This should be a wake up call. You aren’t committed to your current relationship, irrespective of whether your partner is.

If me and my partner don’t end up being together, I will be 30 and newly single. That’s where the concern is. I turn 28 quite soon. I don’t need to marry right away or in two years. But I can’t wait until I no longer have kids either. He seems to have it in this mind that it will be easy to have kids when I am 38/39. Can’t convince him otherwise

The fact that you are even entertaining this co-worker makes it obvious that you yourself are not ready to settle down with your boyfriend.

He is absolutely right not to have a plan at 23. He is not even properly out of puberty yet!! Think about that. Puberty.

I understand it’s tricky when you’re of an age where you’re ready to start thinking about such things, and have a time limit on having babies if you want them, when he is that bit younger and has no such time limit. I think you need to communicate with your boyfriend. He’s said he does want to get married, just not yet. Does he recognise why the situation is a bit different for you? Obviously you shouldn’t try to pressure him into marriage, but after 4 years and at 23 it’s not unreasonable to want to discuss when it might be happening, or even when it might be appropriate to be having a more detailed discussion about it. I understand being wary of being strung along if he won’t entertain the discussion.

I’d advise against considering anything with the co worker at all. He’s nothing to do with the situation with your boyfriend, they are two totally separate issues. Personally I’d immediately rule out anyone who would pursue you knowing you are in a relationship. I’d assume someone who would do that would also probably cheat.

Focus on your relationship with your boyfriend and what’s going on between you. Don’t let this important decision be swayed by the unknown possibility of someone you barely know. I promise there will be plenty of random co workers for you to flirt with if you break up with your boyfriend. Just don’t make that decision based on this one person who’s showing you a bit of attention now.

Well stop trying to convince him then and leave. He's twenty three years of age and you want different things. End of story.

What's so terrible about getting married at 23, I got married at 22 and my bf was 24, still together too many years ago to think about. They've been together four years if he doesn't know now he never will. Either you or he will find someone new and more exciting and it will be over. I would say move on now if it's not going anywhere after four years.

He just doesn’t want to marry you, simple as that. Not a big surprise at his age.
You’re already having doubts and feeling attracted to other people, I think it’s probably time to call it a day.

@ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine this seems reasonable. Yes they are two separate issues technically. I wish the coworker thing never happened, as now I have so many doubts. Things have been so much easier for people in my social circle who just managed to meet the right person and get engaged after 2/3 years.

You're obviously not well suited, why are you still in the relationship when you want different things?

He's just too young for you. I'm surprised he hasn't run for the hills with all this pressure from you about marriage.

I got married at 23 but would be horrified if my ds was thinking marriage at the same age and would be pretty annoyed if his girlfriend was wanting plan ahead to get married when he was that age too.

Hes only 23, at the moment you are both wanting different things in life, therefore your relationship isn’t going to work.

I don't necessarily agree that at 23 he is too young to CONSIDER marriage and discuss it but he does have a lot of growing up to do, as does any 23 year old.( I have 22,23,31 and 33 year old massive difference in their maturaties).
Also you only need to dip into some of the posts on here to see that children can damage a relationship if it is not rock solid, so from that point of view you need to be cautious.
I understand you biological clock may be ticking, you may not want to wait until your late 30's to have kids, that is also understandable, so maybe you do need to consider finding someone with the same mind set as you.💕

@dogcatkitten
Nothing wrong getting married young IF you are both certain and both want to.
OP's BF doesn't want to.
Also sounds like you got married a long time ago. TBH I don't really know anyone who got married at that age -usually late 20s or 30s - when they've established their careers and have lived a bit.

You're on to a lose lose here. You want to get married soon, and have kids. He doesn't. So either you pressure him into getting married and it all goes to shit when the added pressure of kids and resentment kick in, or you stay as you are and he may or may not want kids when you are pushing 35. You want different things, it's time to move on.

OP, I think you need to work on your anxiety. You are still very young. Try to be confident that when you meet the right life partner, you will know. Try to accept that you can’t order up a life partner/father of your children at exactly the time you’d like. It sounds as if you and your current partner want different things and it might be wise to move on. You have plenty of time.

He says I am being sensationalist to want to plan things through. He says he doesn’t know when he will be ready, and I should prioritise our immediate futures. What should I take from this?

@ThePoliteLion I really want to improve my anxiety, but I am autistic and really struggle with built up stress. Life has been rough on me and I constantly feel as though it never goes my way. I have kept trying to improve my anxiety, but built up stress ends up being too much for me to handle.

I don’t know - maybe take him at face value. He is nowhere near ready to settle down or even think about it. And at 23 he shouldn’t be frankly. You want to, he doesn’t. Move on.

I’m sorry to hear about the stress. Maybe counselling to help you reframe things and feel positive about a happier future?

Hmmm, 23 is young, really young for a man but at 27 I can see why you’d be thinking about settling down as a woman. It’s not a big age gap really at certain stages of life until he’s 31 and you’re 35……

This does sound like stringing along territory. If he genuinely thinks it would be okay to wait until you are 38 then it would be foolish to waste your fertile years on him. Some people are ready to marry at 23, and after 4 years I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect him to at least talk about it. Perhaps its aa another poster said, he just doesn’t want to marry you.

I believe there is a maturity gap between men and women of about 3-4 years.

I have sons around 24.
Honestly, they really are not thinking of marriage and I would be completely horrified to hear this.

You are 4-5 years older, plus another few in maturity.

He's not thinking marriage if he has an ounce of sense.

Move on. Start dating a couple of years older than you.

That it's not working and you should end it. Are you taking on board any of these responses?

I am, but he is not wrong that 23 is too young to get married. I feel like it’s going to be 50/50 what ends up happening with him, as he could easily change his mind at that age. My anxiety immediately pulls me to the fact that he has far more advantages than I do.

I think you want things he can’t give you regardless of age. I have friends with older men that can’t or don’t want to commit for various reasons. Also female friend who won’t commit- loves being with a man she’s seeing, but doesn’t know what she wants and she’s 51.