Unsure about what to do with long term boyfriend

[Lunalara]

This is somewhat a follow up from the previous thread I started up. We managed to resolve that problem, but it still stands that my boyfriend (23) will not plan ahead for marriage. I am currently 27, and naturally have started to think ahead. I understand that my boyfriend doesn’t want to get married right away, being so young, but I am concerned as he is not coming up with a rough plan. Am I being unreasonable to be stressed over this? Is it wrong to throw away an otherwise perfect relationship over anxieties that might not end up becoming true?

This all started over a coworker. I found him attractive, but initially tried my best to ignore him. He then started flirting with me, which essentially woke up a primal instinct in me 😓 It’s like I am suddenly terrified of being strung along by my current partner, even though he has said he wants to marry me in the future. I feel like a bit of a mess tbh. Should not wanting to plan ahead be a deal breaker in this context?

He sees you as for now, not forever.

He is not going to commit to you or he would have done it by now.

OP you are going to have to make the decision here.
It's clear that your BF is not ready right now to get married. In 5 years time he could be the same.
He might never be ready to get married.

I was 29/ 30 when I had been going out with my BF (27) for 2 yrs. I was really clear that if we didn't move in together, we should break up. We moved in together a few months later.

When I was 32, I said if we wanted to have DC we would probably need to do it soon. He proposed 2 weeks later. Married the following year.

Some men just need the facts laid bare to them. You are older than him. He is so young. You need to give yourself a deadline and if there is no positive momentum in your relationship, you need to walk away as you are not getting what you need

No, this isn’t an ai post. I guess there was never going to be a clear answer as both me and my partner have valid opinions. I wanted to hear from people who are older/been through similar situations.

He's still very young, as are you but woman mature earlier

Do you live together? How's that going?

How do you spend your time together? Are you still going out lots and socializing or do you stay home all the time with the TV?

I'm older than my DH. I was later 20s/early 30s when we got together. I didn't want children. He's 7 years younger.

Conversation we had was at some point he would want children. If that wasn't in my future then at some point we would go out separate ways. Clear boundaries.

You need to decide yours, communicate them without drama or threats.

If I was you I would focus on my career and financial independence for a bit. Take the heat out the relationship for a while, focus on you rather than him and see how you feel in 6 months. 23 is too young nowadays for marriage planning.

@jeaux90 Another good piece of advice. This is another thing I think I will need to do.

I got divorced whilst recovering from a MC when I was 23!

It doesn't sound like you want the same things. He is being clear to you and you are trying to change him. Is this really the relationship for you?

I agree, focus on you and your career.
Don't wait 4 years and then end up nearing the time to have DC, only for him to leave or still be unsure. While 23 is a bit young, 27 isn't, to find someone who you may be able to have DC with. So be open to the idea that this is just fun for now, for him , and not something longer term.

Found out today that the coworker was married today. That’s the end of that I don’t want anything to do with him anymore. I think focusing on my career is the right move. My partner is likely going to move far away for work, so that would be something to think about too.

I am a bit fearful of starting again at 28. Surely guys that are single at that age are single for a reason.

This.

If your boyfriend were my brother or friend I'd tell him to run.

Why would you want to marry your boyfriend if you are contemplating giving your number to a co-worker?.
If you love someone enough to marry them you certainly don't 'hedge your bets'.

You are both quite young (yes 27 is young!) maybe you just aren't right for each other as you seem to want different things right now.

But the OP is the one who’s spent her 20s joylessly ‘waiting around’.i spent mine alternately studying for my eventual career (which requires multiple postgraduate degrees), and working casual jobs in different countries, travelling and having a ball. Nothing ‘waiting around’ about it. Not everyone views their lives as a time-sensitive progression from school and training towards ‘settling down’, marriage, kids, retirement and death.

I think that the crush on the coworker is your inner self telling you you do need to move on from this boyfriend. It may have simply run its course and you want different things. I would say don't wait around for someone who is not serious about getting married and starting a family, if that's what you want, because you could end up being strung along for another 4 years.

She’s late 20s so that’s a normal age to start having children. I had a toddler by OP’s age. It sounds like she doesn’t love her boyfriend so she should let him go and find someone closer in age.

Dear god op, everything you’ve written seems more about just ‘getting married and having kids’ with anyone rather than actually a deep love for your boyfriend. He might be stringing you along, he might not- he probably doesn’t even know which it is yet. If you want definites then cut him loose and find someone who is more ‘ready’ and who you love, rather than just who you might be able to use to get the ‘marriage and kids’.

I would also be telling him to run if he was my friend/brother and now you’re essentially trying to cheat on him too? You stopped because coworker is married but you having a boyfriend didn’t stop you did it?! Disgraceful.

He is 23. My DS is that age, I’d encourage him to leave you if I’m honest. Too much too soon!

Why are you so desperate to be tied to a man? It’s really not necessary any more. You need to spend some time alone, working on your sense of self.

If you're worried about being single in your 20s, imagine how you'll feel in your 30s when he matures into the person he's meant to be and decides you're not for him.

I can't imagine being married to anyone I dated in my 20s, particularly my early 20s! Yes, it's possible that he knows who he is and what he wants at the age of 23, but it's more likely that he doesn't.

So you need to decide whether your current situation is worth it to you.

In 5 years time you could be in exactly the same position. You'll be 33.

Why are you 'fearful' at 'starting again' at 28? Surely better at 28 than 33? If you know you want to settle down, get married and have DC sooner rather than later. It doesn't sound like your BF is the one for you.

Concentrate on you and your career. Move on.

You seem fixated on getting married, which in itself pretty worrying.

23 seems very young to be thinking about marriage to me, though I understand it starts be be part of your thinking in your late twenties.

But honestly, if you are looking at coworkers, you aren't in a place to commit either.

I was 29 when I met my now DH (he was 28). We got married 3 years later. We both knew we wanted a serious commitment from very early on, and communicated that to one another. Ditch this guy and move on to someone who’ll commit!

If your head has been turned, why on earth do you want (or even expect!) to be planning a marriage with your current very young boyfriend?!

You are making ZERO sense!

You need to move on, even with the best will in the world he could easily change his mind in a few years and break up and leave you single in your early to mid 30s and having to start again. He’s just simply too young. So unless he’s ready to do these things asap then you need to find someone who is. You can’t wait for years on a promise (or even on a vague idea, which even that he won’t provide) and end up with nothing