Unsure about what to do with long term boyfriend

[Lunalara]

This is somewhat a follow up from the previous thread I started up. We managed to resolve that problem, but it still stands that my boyfriend (23) will not plan ahead for marriage. I am currently 27, and naturally have started to think ahead. I understand that my boyfriend doesn’t want to get married right away, being so young, but I am concerned as he is not coming up with a rough plan. Am I being unreasonable to be stressed over this? Is it wrong to throw away an otherwise perfect relationship over anxieties that might not end up becoming true?

This all started over a coworker. I found him attractive, but initially tried my best to ignore him. He then started flirting with me, which essentially woke up a primal instinct in me 😓 It’s like I am suddenly terrified of being strung along by my current partner, even though he has said he wants to marry me in the future. I feel like a bit of a mess tbh. Should not wanting to plan ahead be a deal breaker in this context?

Especially as the coworker turns out to be married…

But I agree in principle. Regardless of whether the OP’s boyfriend is ‘ready’ for the future she’s planned, the OP herself clearly isn’t.

Do your boyfriend a favour and end the relationship.
the mere fact that you’re attracted to your co worker and considering taking that further means you are not ready for marriage. Thank goodness your boyfriend has more sense.

Would you rather have a baby with the wrong person?

Whilst agreeing with the thought that having children (or at least your first one) at 38 or 39 is late, to expect a commitment at aged 23 of marriage is asking a lot of most people in this day and age.

And anyone who is single at 28 may just be down to circumstances, or even just having standards, be they male or female.

Of course OP should have a good pension plan at 27–that’s how compound interest works.

I would move on if I were you, OP. Where will your BF be moving to with his job? Is he considering you in his plans? He could decide in 7 years that he’s not ready to get married, and you will be 7 years older. Move on and find a more suitable partner who wants the same things that you do, with the same timeline, rather than… “maybe in 7 years, but I don’t know.”

A 23 year old who has been with a girlfriend from aged 19 is probably more restless and wanting if variety than settling down. You are at different stages of life. Your options could be neither boyfriend or co-worker but to be single or someone new eventually.

Met my now DH when he was just 24 (I was 25). He was very clear he wanted marriage and babies from early on and that I was “the one” (though we had less time pressure than you obviously ). I don’t think him being 23 means he wouldn’t be sure of his future intentions with you. Also he should respect he needs to meet you in the middle as your fertility is not guaranteed. I think he should be able to tell you he is defo committed and will propose within the next 4 years for instance. That’s not a big pressure thing that’s just planning ahead.

@CanINapNow That is what I was thinking and why we ended up having that argument :( Funnily enough that coworker was passing by when I was reading the comments and he gave me a smirky look. I wonder if he is actually flirting with me, but I am not interested in married guys and never will be. That to me is a red line.

If you are considering other men, you are not ready to get married to your current boyfriend. He’s a baby at 23. If marriage is what you want, move on and find someone on a similar page to you.

I don’t understand. Are you interested in this coworker? What is the primal instinct he awoke in you? I’m not sure fantasising about someone else indicates that you are ready for marriage, whether your boyfriend is or not. And a four year relationship isn’t really that long-term, you say it like you’ve been waiting decades ;)

I feel like part of the issue is that I was the one to ask my boyfriend out at the beginning and I have been the one to organise most dates. My boyfriend clearly loves me, but I worry what would happen if I suddenly put less effort in.

No, I thought the coworker looked attractive, but anything that was there is over now. The “primal instinct” is more having the grass is greener syndrome, in terms of having an older boyfriend. I had a spark with him, and I thought it was very weird. Then I wondered if there were issues in the relationship, and jumped to this being the issue.

@Lunalara is this the same boyfriend who told someone he was unhappy in the relationship?

You really do seem to be flogging a dead horse.

If you were from a culture where there was no kissing before marriage I’d understand your point of view. But you are not.

For heaven’s sake, OP, get some self-respect. Doesn’t it tell you anything about the mutually disproportionate levels of investment that you asked him out, you organised all the dates, you’re desperate for him to make some kind of extended plan that includes marriage and children, and he — is just not that bothered, other than making it quite clear he doesn’t see himself marrying you any time soon, and that he doesn’t want to map out his future?

You don’t even sound as if you love him as an individual, only that you see your four years with him as some kind of sunk cost. You don’t say you’ll be heartbroken if you break up, only that you’re concerned that you’d have to start all over with someone else and be further from your mapped out goal of marriage and children. And that you were contemplating just switching your attention to someone older who you thought was more likely to be a enable to your timeline suggests you just see your current boyfriend as a man-shaped project on your way to your goal.

End the relationship for everyone’s sake. It’s not working.

Typical timing haha! Ignore the co worker, it’s good they’ve made you have a think but they are not the answer IMO.

I was thinking as I read your posts that the only people I personally know or know of who married in their early 20s were religious (usually Mormon)

I’m lapsed Catholic and mid 40s but even when I was your age, there wasn’t exactly a run on the confetti for early 20s marriages among Catholics where I am (Scotland).

This guy is too young to give you the commitment you need. Even someone in the late 20s may not be looking for marriage. 30 + is more likely to be your batting range.

How old is the co-worker?

Because their most recent relationship didn’t work out?

Same as most people.

Christ I don’t know what I want to do tomorrow let alone when I’d want to marry someone. I’d have run away screaming at 23 if someone was pushing marriage, it’s pretty unusual to do it so young these days and many people want their 20s to be about flexibility, finding their niche in life, trying different things. Sounds very reasonable for him to say he doesn’t want to think about it before 30 - what’s wrong with you marrying at 34?

That said, you’re not unreasonable to want a solid plan for marriage and kids, but you’re not going to get it from this guy by the sounds of it. It’s a lot to ask a 23 year old. Perhaps this is just a fundamental incompatibility and it’s time to move on and find someone as timeline-oriented as you?

I’m mid 30s in a wonderful 4 year relationship but I still wouldn’t say I guarantee we’ll be together forever or make such prescriptive timed predictions for my career, life or relationship. Some people just aren’t that way inclined.

I agree with you that if you are planning a family, you being 27 and your boyfriend being 24 is a bit of a problem, he might decide to split in 3 or 4 years as it's quite unusual for the girlfriend you had at 19 to be the wife that you end up marrying.
If you really want kids and marriage I think I'd seek out someone who wants to crack on with that, it's all too predicatable that although he's happy now, his life plans might not match yours, sorry I know it's hard, but you do have to be tough if you want to acheive what's best for you.

And? I didn’t meet my partner til I was 31. If the pressing issue is having kids thats a separate consideration, but again yours and your boyfriend’s life plans are not aligned.

Idk know old the coworker is. We just started talking properly today as a way to get over the fantasy. Not going to lie it definitely has helped.

If you're ready for marriage now and he's not, and it's really important to you right now or on the near future then perhaps this relationship isn't right. He is only 23- that's so young and especially for a man! If it helps, I was engaged at 25 to a terrible older man, split at 27, met my now husband at 28, married 32, first baby 34. I'm 36 now and we are thinking about trying for baby number 2 in the next year. All happened later than I'd anticipated but at 27 You've got plenty of time to meet someone new and settle down/have kids if that's what you want. Best of luck to you 💐

And, my husband is 4 years older than me so 32 when we got together and he was certain he wanted marriage and kids. And no, nothing wrong with him!

Don’t wait around wasting your youth on someone who probably won’t follow up. A vague idea to do something in several years is pretty common and not a great predictor of whether your boyfriend will actually propose, when it comes to it.

Tell him the truth, that the issue of marriage is far more pressing for you, and that does he want to get married in the next two years? If he’s non committal or says no or says maybe then tell him it’s a deal breaker.

Unlike men, women have a very clear biological clock that means they cannot have babies after a certain age. This often makes women’s decision making around this far more time driven than men.

Do not settle for someone wasting your time. Give yourself to find another relationship where you are both on the same page with the timing of marriage and kids.