Unsure about what to do with long term boyfriend

[Lunalara]

This is somewhat a follow up from the previous thread I started up. We managed to resolve that problem, but it still stands that my boyfriend (23) will not plan ahead for marriage. I am currently 27, and naturally have started to think ahead. I understand that my boyfriend doesn’t want to get married right away, being so young, but I am concerned as he is not coming up with a rough plan. Am I being unreasonable to be stressed over this? Is it wrong to throw away an otherwise perfect relationship over anxieties that might not end up becoming true?

This all started over a coworker. I found him attractive, but initially tried my best to ignore him. He then started flirting with me, which essentially woke up a primal instinct in me 😓 It’s like I am suddenly terrified of being strung along by my current partner, even though he has said he wants to marry me in the future. I feel like a bit of a mess tbh. Should not wanting to plan ahead be a deal breaker in this context?

I’d run a mile of I were him. You sound suffocating.

I think I would tread carefully here. Does you bf know about you and your coworker? If he has consented to you and your coworker it’s very tricky as you want him to marry you but you havnt been entirely honest with him about being faithful. Maybe, and if he doesn’t know, I’m not sure he’d take it well, but maybe try speaking with him first.

He’s at least 10 years away from having g a solid plan in his head. You should move on if you want someone who knows what they want

The coworker thing hasn’t gotten far. We have exchanged gazes and smiled a lot at each other. I wouldn’t want to even consider going with said coworker until I know more about him, but I recognise that by then it will probably have gone too far.

@PeloMom Do you think this is what he means when he said those things? Or is this based on a likelihood based on his age?

Sorry OP, a little lost here as doing 3 things at once, have you slept with your co worker? Or is it an ‘emotional’ misdemeanour. And does your current partner know/consent to you doing that?

If you’re flirting with other men, then you’re certainly shouldn’t be thinking about getting married to your partner!!
you sound very desperate to get married, just because you’ve got a partner it doesn’t mean there’s a rush to be married!!
I do feel for him as you sound like you’re putting a lot of pressure on him!

I guess there is an envy element as well. I was in Catholic circles for a long time, and used to seeing people get marry at 21 after 2 years of dating.

@Subbyhubby There has been no sleeping. I don’t like to sleep with guys immediately after starting to date them. It’s purely an emotional rollercoaster at this stage. However, I like to think about what to do before things happen.

i think you might be using the him not being ready to plan marriage as an excuse tbh. It makes him the problem when I think actually, you want to explore other people and might be out growing the relationship.

He’s said 30. That’s a perfectly standard answer. I understand why you would want to marry sooner or know it’s coming but in most relationships there are no guarantees anyway so I think that’s a red herring and you actually don’t want this anymore. Especially if this is for another 7 years as status quo.

It’s really weird. I am not the type of person usually to want to cheat or explore elsewhere. I have never had the temptation to cheat before. But when I looked into this guy’s eyes, I suddenly started wondering if I would be happy waiting possibly another 5 years for my boyfriend to finally be ready. I definitely can’t say for certain what’s going to come from this coworker, but it has made me realise that me and my partner have been dating for 4 years already. Idk it’s just a bit sad knowing that it will likely take a while, while other people are getting much faster proposals.

After a lot of thought and advice, I don’t think I will progress things with said coworker.

Have you decided what school your kids will be going to? And do you have a good pension / retirement plan?

I think you need to decide what you want. If you have been very clear about wanting to marry and he is being iffy....then you may not be compatible. I would have thought after 4 years he'd know whether he wanted to marry you or not.
FWIW I got together, married and had 2 children in the first 4 years of my relationship - we were a bit older and both knew what we wanted and got on with it.
Please don't let him muck you about and risk particularly your fertility.....

speaking From experience I once emotionally cheated on my partner. It was at a Xmas party. My partner was actually there but too intoxicated to appreciate what was going on. A colleague (ex friend) told them the next day and you will not be surprised to learn they were very upset. We had a huge row about it and it made things quite rocky for about 6 months. I think I would have thought twice if I knew it would have that effect as you never know where these things go. In some ways my partner was somewhat vindicated as 3 weeks after the party we slept together so just be careful what you wish for.
I suppose all things work out in the end

I wouldn't bring it up again until he's 25. He's too young to know. You're young enough that it shouldn't be an issue. Asking a 23 yesr old for a timescale is madness.

Are you on glue? He’s 23! When I was 23, my main preoccupations were travelling and experiencing as many different things as I could. I had zero interest in marrying anyone. Why on earth would you want to foreclose so many of life’s opportunities? I married when I was 39.

I think the age difference between you is too much for what you are wanting, because as you say he might not be ready before you might struggle to have children. And if you are this interested in your coworker, it means you aren't properly invested with your partner. Might be more suited to find a partner your own age or older.

Must be a(nother) crap fake post - they are doing my head in now

FFS. 23 is not a “child” or “still in puberty”, he’s been an adult for 5 years! At that age I had a responsible job and was living with someone (also 23) who had made it clear he wanted to marry me in a few years. Though that relationship didn’t work out, I ended up marrying someone else at 29.
Not everyone spends their 20s wafting around not knowing what they want out of life and if you want kids then 27 is the right time to be thinking ahead to that, especially if you want more than one. You might have to go for someone older though, as your BF doesn’t sound like he’s serious or ready for commitment.

@MansfieldParkThis is terrible advice for someone who wants kids, 39 is getting on towards the end of a woman’s child bearing years and many won’t be able to conceive at that age. You can still travel and experience things while married, it’s not a jail sentence.

Is this another AI? Getting fed up of these posts

He’s 23, OP. His brain hasn’t stopped maturing. He’s been with you almost his entire adult life. He isn’t ready for the commitment you want and if he gave it you’d be a fool to rely on it. If you want marriage now or the certainty of marriage you need to break up with him and look for men who are at that life stage.

I’m sorry, OP, but his hesitation is a bad sign. If he was 100% sure that he wanted to marry you, he wouldn’t be saying that he wants to wait seven years.

I’d move on now and find someone who shares your life goals.

Look up the scientific papers and show him the chance of conception at 39/40 and early 30s....the facts are there!!

There ARE people who have kids into their mid 40s but these are in the minority...

If kids are really important to you....

But he is ONLY 23!!