To sometimes think that one boy and one girl, around three years apart is the only acceptable family setup?

[theotherdown]

Two of the same sex, two big an age gap, too small an age gap, more than two, only one, all prompt critical comments from somewhere.

Just in case I am accused of saying this is the only acceptable combination, my thread title means ‘the only setup that won’t invite critical comments.’

I have twin boys, I've had a few of the "you're brave" or rather you than me comments.
I hardly know of anyone with 1 boy, 1 girl 3 years apart which is strange because for a while it seemed to be the norm.

Oh blimey! I never have but I’m on the mature side so maybe people think I’m way too old for a third (tbf I am 😂)

Aww. I always think twin mums must get a LOT of comments!

Either you massively missed what I was saying or you’re the grumpiest poster on MN.

But why does it matter if people offer these ridiculous critical comments?

It reflects poorly on the person saying it and should be dismissed as narrow-minded ludicrousness.

If you're posting about this because you've been on the receiving end of comments like this, or because people you care about have, then I'm sorry you / your family and friends have had to deal with this rubbish and I hope you've been able to treat it with the disdain / dismissal / eyebrow-raising it deserves.

I’m not sure who you are seeing/hearing criticising other people’s family set up but I would just ignore. I’m pretty sure people can’t go around controlling their babies sex and the exact time apart they will have them in (well not normal people anyway!) so I wouldn’t really give it a lick of thought.

Ooohh I have that set up - do i win a prize? Does it matter which way round the boy and girl are though?

Seriously I have never ever thought of it in the terms you describe OP - and no one has ever congratulated me for having an acceptable family set up

I must be incredibly lucky because I’ve never encountered anything close to the kind of comments that these threads always talk about. I’ve got a big age gap with my children. People might think negatively to themselves but not one person has ever made any critical comment to me, or any comment that I could infer to be negative. In the same way that no-one has ever called me fat to my face or has ever criticised any life choice I’ve made.

On a personal point, my brother and I are 3 years apart and have nothing in common and see each other a maximum of once a year, so it’s certainly not been a positive age gap for me.

It doesn’t matter @Greywarden but ‘it matters’ doesn’t have to be a prerequisite for a thread (which also sounds grumpy and isn’t meant to, it’s said in a more pondering, searching kind of way.)

A lady who was heavily pregnant last week came to our group this morning with a gorgeous newborn baby boy, three days old and she said on the way there someone said something like oh, never mind (she has a boy already.) Awful, but when I was pregnant with my second so many people did say that they hoped it was a girl that it did make me feel a bit upset for my baby if it was a boy!

As it was she was a girl anyway, but she’d obviously have been equally loved and cherished if she wasn’t! So it did get me thinking about which setup wouldn’t invite horrible comments but I guess even one of each sex three years or so apart doesn’t make people immune!

I'm one of seven. Three girls the eldest, then four boys. I'm the youngest. For me it wasn't ideal but f-all I could do to change it.

Could be both.

Let's see how this thread goes, shall we?

If it helps, I’ve got one boy, one girl, 3.5 years apart, and I have had ‘you’ve got your hands full’ several times already. People just say shit to have something to say!

And as much as these comments are stupid they can also be upsetting, especially if it’s something you wouldn’t have actively chosen (eg only one child - I have a couple of friends with an only which I know wasn’t by choice.)

I’ve got 2 girls 4 year age gap and have never received any critical comments.

I know plenty of parents and have never made critical comments about their family set up… it’s non of my business

So yes YABU to think that your title thread is the only set up to not receive comments

That sounded like a weird threat 😂

I get it OP. We have two of the same sex and a fairly big age gap. I have been asked whether we are going to try for one of the other sex, whether we are disappointed not to have the other sex, why there is such a big age gap, whether they have the same dad. I don't know why people think it's any of their business!

1 and done for me and dh. Couldn't give two shiny shits what anyone else thinks of our setup.

We have 6 siblings between us and only 2 of them have 2 kids. The rest of us have 1.

Nobody has passed judgement. I've only ever heard of people judging it on MN.

Well fair enough, I do take your point that people are ridiculous! All the comments you describe sound so petty and immature (and it's interesting too that sexist stereotypes seem to remain so strong, eg assuming dads will want sons and mums will want daughters! Come to think of it, when I had my DD a close relative of mine said he was glad I'd had a girl because I'd have someone to care for me... despite the fact that this relative has had his own care needs met by his son, not his daughters...)

All that said... it is people caring, getting hurt etc by these comments that gives them their power.

Everyone has an idea of their ideal scenario. But I don’t know anyone who is actually unhappy with what they ended up with, even if they were for a short time before they were born. So who really cares what anyone else thinks about the perfect set up.

Oh and FIL told me we were selfish for having a big age gap. At the time I was really upset because it wasn't entirely our choice, but I really don't care what he thinks any more.

"Small age gap - you’ve got your hands full, haven’t you got a TV …"

That's just a joke!

It’s ridiculous if anyone ever says that. You have zero choice over the sex. You might try and plan the age gap, but babies often have a different plan.

I have 2 boys 17 months apart. I wanted 2 children but I had horrendous hyperemesis in my first pregnancy so I knew that, if I was going to have 2 , then I had to be well along with the second pregnancy before the first baby was at playgroup/ school. There was no way I could have got a 4 year old up, fed and out of the house by 8.45 if I was vomiting over and over. I had 2 boys. After the birth of the second, which MIL knew would be my last, she sat next to my bed in the hospital and said " What a shame he isn't a girl". Both sons are in their thirties now and have nothing to do with her.

I completely understand what you’re saying OP. I think people like to criticise every set up, including the one you describe, but yours is probably the most “palatable” and invites fewest comments.

I have two of each sex. One big age gap and one small age gap. Plus twins. So I hear it all.