Unwanted videographer at my wedding

[banjomonkey]

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

In 20 years when half the people at that wedding are dead and gone, that video will be source of comfort and delight.

I think it was wrong of your friends to organise this as well, and I can quite understand you not wanting to be videoed. So I understand your upset, but since the thing is done, you just have to learn to accept it. I wouldn't fall put with otherwise lovely friends over this. Quietly put the video away, don't watch it, and in a few years you can dump it, no offence caused to the givers. I've never had a friend ask to see the wedding gift they gave me or ask if I used it, so hopefully, as time goes on, your friends won't mention the video.

Just another thought: over 30 years ago, I got married and it was videoed. We have not watched the video for about 29 years because there were various aspects of the wedding that did not go to plan and it would upset/annoy me to have to see those things again. In all honesty, I would have destroyed the video years ago except - and this is the only thing I wonder might make you feel differently about your video - I realise there are people dear to me, now dead, in my video and maybe one day I would like to watch them again. Maybe something for you to think about?

It's weird that none of your other friends questioned this. I hate being photographed and videoed too. Also how insulting that she assumed you couldn't organise or afford one for yourself. I would honestly ditch that friend, she has no respect for you.

no, not to me it wouldn't. It would remind me that a "friend" screwed up my wedding day

Ignore everyone saying you were wrong, OP. They are. I'd have had to tell them to go away if I felt that strongly about it. I never really understand why people have to feign gratitude for things others foist on them.

Get the video. Make sure there are no copies and put it away somewhere/destroy it.

Erm no way. I loathe being on video and would be furious if someone did this without checking surreptitiously with someone, anyone if I actually wanted this at one of the most important days in my life.

Massive sympathies, OP. I understand entirely how you feel.

That's such a weird thing for your friend to do. What other "surprises" does she like to spring on people on their wedding day? Replacing all their flowers with her choice of flowers? Adding a few extra bridesmaids because she had more than them? Going to the caterers and changing the menu? Hiring new entertainers to liven up the reception?

It's really inappropriate, people get to plan their own weddings!

Oh that would be awful. You’re right, nothing you can do now but vent on here. Vent away!

you are NOT overreacting here, I'd have hated it too, I'd have felt self conscious and under pressure knowing it was being filmed and looked at later, and as a surprise is even WORSE as you didn't get chance to get used to the idea and would have felt distracted by it.

Why on earth do people do surprise things at weddings like this? It is really inappropriate, wedding are so personal and the Bride & Groom want to hand pick everything they want/don't want!

Did you happen to give the impression to your friend when she was talking about videographers that you weren't having one because of the cost, to spare her feelings etc, or did you tell her that you hated the idea of it, if you made out it was a cost factor, then she has actually done something really nice and it was your mistake not being clear.

But rallying everyone else to pay for it instead of giving you a gift/money is taking the piss to be honest.

Lots of things happen in a sit-com that are presented as funny when they wouldn't be at all in real life.
I was just saying that - in years to come and feelings are less raw - OP might see some humour in this.
What I said was:
I'm really sorry that this spoiled your day but I couldn't help thinking this would be hilarious in a sit-com.
If you read that to mean that I'd find "someone ruining a friend's wedding day" in real life hilarious I hope I've helped you to understand what I meant.

I’m sorry for you, this would really upset me too. However, there is literally nothing you can do now! She thought she was being nice and telling her now makes no difference. Try and think about the fact you’re married and what those vows mean.

I lost too much weight before my wedding down to being so anxious, I look back and hated my hair, hated how much makeup I had on and wish I’d done it differently but I can’t change it now! I married my best friend and that’s most important x

Have you seen your photos yet? Usually a videographer and photographer would coordinate, so they aren’t in each other’s shots. Your photographer would have planned her shots so as not to be intrusive, but if he was bobbing around then did he end up in her shots?

Your wedding, your choice whether you have a videographer or not.
I would be the same - I HATE having my photo taken and hate being videoed even more.
Your friend completely ignored your wishes - I'd have to say something to them about it if it was me....

This sounds like absolute hell to me! I would also have hated it!
You aren't overreacting at all, it was your special day and she's ruined the best moments!
Tbh
I would have been livid!

I haven’t read passed the first page, on a little side note and l am unsure if it has been said on other pages but l think the wiser thing to do it speak to your friend if you value your friendship, because the last thing you want to happen is for it to fester and to come out the wrong way for example if you were on a night out and drink plays a part.

I get it that you don't like photos or being filmed, I would be the same but sometimes you just have to suck it up!

But I always say to people who don't want either that you're not really doing it for you but for your descendants. Now you might not be planning children and that's fine too, dump the video. But in the future if you have then it is really children/grandchildren who love to look at these, photos are fine but walking talking people that they may not have even known is so much better. I am interested in genealogy and I was so lucky to have a lot of old film taken by a family member in the 60s and later. Many of my nieces/nephews would obviously not have seen their parents when young so it's lovely for them to be able to look back at childhood film of their own parents and later life there are wedding videos etc too. I love watching my parents wedding video which was in 1958 and doesn't have sound but it's lovely to see my grandparents etc. Again though if that is never likely to be a feature of your future just dump it and forget about it, shame about the presents though!

How patronising

It was likely down to very good intentions, but was a massive overstep. I think it's a bit unnecessary to have such a strong reaction to photographers and videographers, but I can appreciate we are all different and – crucially – that having this as a surprise was even worse.

I would however try your best to stop ruminating on it. There is nothing you can do. It's happened and it's time to move on and enjoy your marriage.

This is really lovely. I sympathise with the OP but I think you have really made some lovely points that make it seem not so bad.

I don’t think you’re overreacting. It’s nobody else’s decision to instruct wedding professionals at YOUR wedding. It’s such a personal celebration and the planning is for the bride and groom. I’d understand if maybe you’d mentioned how much you would have liked a Videographer but couldn’t afford it and your loved ones decided to surprise you, but by telling her you aren’t bothered about one, it’s a step too far to enlist one and at the expense of no other gifts.

I totally get it OP and would have felt the same. I'm sure others will disagree but I think it is unprofessional to rock up to a wedding you haven't been invited to and film a wedding that you haven't been given permission to film by the bride and groom.

she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.

and she knew you had a professional photographer.

Insight is a wonderful thing, but again wasn't she testing the water with you and misunderstood that you didn't want one?

Not exactly highjacking is it.

Yep, it is. If she thought otherwise then she would have not hinted and she would have outright asked if the bride actually wanted one. Onus is on her. Not the bride.

I understand you OP. I was also adamant I didn't want a wedding video. I love photographs (on my terms - I was very definite I didn't want the photographer doing getting ready photos or at my parents house for example, just at the venue). But I'm self conscious about my voice, paranoid about saying something silly I'll cringe at in years to come, and in general didn't want to feel like I was in a film set all day! Your wedding day should be what you want.

However, if this friend doesn't have form for overstepping, she clearly got the wrong idea and thought she was doing a nice thing. Id probably also have thought you being 'fine with not having' a videographer meant it wasn't in the budget, because I'd have said I 'didn't want' one if asked. So I'm sure how you can deal with it really. Just try to focus on all the things that you enjoyed / went right I suppose.