Unwanted videographer at my wedding

[banjomonkey]

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

I would have felt the same. Luckily, my vicar had strict rules about no photography or videography during services. It is a sacred event. Not a Hollywood moment. I am sufficiently forthright that I would have sent the videographer away when I arrived at the church, without knowing anything about who booked them. That probably would have had rather worse impacts. I’m sorry you then didn’t get your traditional wedding list presents to prepare you for married life. I think the whole thing is a great shame, but you are going to have to live with it. In time the hurt will fade.

I would have stopped him to ask if he was at the right wedding? That would be my first thought.
Instead of letting him carry on.

We had family members saying they wanted to pay for our photographer, I shut them down straight away saying sorry we don't want one but thanks for the thought.
They were a bit disgruntled because they love having photos done but we are totally the opposite.

I’d have hated that. I’d have been inclined to speak to him politely and ask him to leave. It was your wedding day. You had a choice of pleasing your friend or yourselves. You chose your friend.

We had a videographer back in the day but we were pretty firm in our instructions that there was to be no filming whatsoever in the church and that he was to be unobtrusive, even at the cost of limited footage. (We also told the photographer when we’d had enough. And the band that they were background music and not the main act as we wanted our aunties to be able to chat comfortably in the venue rather than having to shout at each other or leave. ) It’s easy to be assertive without being aggressive or apologetic as you age.

Meant to click yanbu x

I want to start by saying I COMPLETELY get your feelings on this. I hate being videoed and this would have been a nightmare for me and I voted YANBU.

However, with everything you've said, I think you're going to have to pack it away and forget about it. If you have no interest in watching the video, then either dispose of it or put it away with your memory bits. The friend clearly wasn't being malicious at all and so I think you have to hold onto this bit. If the most you said was "we aren't having one" and didn't elaborate on why (which is a totally normal response btw, you had no reason to elaborate), she has just thought she'd love to gift you something that she herself loved. Other friends must also have thought you'd love it too or would've been unlikely to contribute/spoken up and said @banjomonkey won't want that.

Ultimately your wedding was a really special day and the start of your married life together and you were surrounded by people who loved you and thought they were making a kind gesture to help you remember your wedding by. Try and hold onto that rather than the hurt.

I would put it away somewhere safe , in 40 years time you will probably find it funny and nostalgic .

Telling someone to feel confident to stating their true feelings isn't "squeezing drama out of a situation". It's encouraging them not to keep things bottled inside, which is actually a more likely trigger to mental health reasons down the line. Being open and honest isn't easy but it is how emotionally healthy relationships work. Not surprised you see this as drama because as this forum regularly exposes, many people are conditioned towards unhealthy patterns of communication in the name of "keeping the peace".

Now that is one wedding video that I would be happy to watch.

Your friend was way out of line. You don't just do something like that as a Lovely Surprise. You just don't.

I can't believe how sanctimonious some of these comments are! Of COURSE you have every right to be pissed off and upset and it ruined your wedding day. I would be just as upset.

Oh, it was kind-hearted and not done with malice - it was bulldozing and totally overreaching. That's not kind. That's like saying that the little kid pulling your hair repeatedly is only doing it out of love. Nope. They need to be told not to do that.

You should have told her why you hadn't booked a videographer and then it would have avoided all this - what?? Do you have a crystal ball that someone would do something like this that is so alien to normal behaviour? Taking that theory onwards, then why didn't the 'friend' ask why she hadn't booked a videographer before bloody booking one!!! Or even check in with the Mum as they know each other well??

Presents shouldn't matter, it's the marriage - of course it is. But money spent erroneously by people who would have presumed that this was something the bride actually wanted becase they trusted the friend? That's deceit. Fraud. Frustrating.

You should have told him to go - are you having a laugh? She's been blindsided as she walked in the church. She has this guy in her eyeline during her actual vows. Are you really saying she should have stopped the wedding and told him to move? She has no idea who he is, who booked him, why he's there, what this is all about. She doesn't have headspace or physical opportunity to hunt someone down. She is trying to make the best of her day and not have a row or make a scene. You can read her words about not wanting to upset her friend by mentioining it now. What on earth makes you think her personality will have had a total transplant for 5 mins in the middle of her ACTUAL FUCKING WEDDING to be rude to a stranger and potentially upset a friend or family or whoever blindsided her?

Stop victim blaming. The friend is all kinds of wrong. Intention does not overried harm. The videographer is also all kinds of wrong. They may have been wooed by an ex client getting excited about a surprise but they should not have moved forward without explicit consent. They should also have introduced themselves after the ceremony and then givne the bride and groom the opportunity to quietly say no to any more.

I’d be really angry too OP. And I can see what a difficult situation it is for you now with your friends.

And I’m also stunned the videographer was prepared to take on a job on the say-so of someone who wasn’t the bride or groom. I helped a friend plan her wedding once, and I remember the meeting with the photographer was really detailed - what sort of pictures they wanted, where they wanted photos taken etc. There was no way I could have called him myself and said “yeah just film the whole thing”.

That said, I think that in many years time you will want to watch it. The significance of the magical day will fade, and you’ll start to think about friends and family who aren’t around any more, and it will be nice to see them all having a lovely day. Try and focus on that aspect of it, that’s what I’d do.

Before would have been better.

How on earth is it coming from a place of love that someone insists that they know better than the bride and groom what they want for their own wedding day?

It’s arrogant at best and narcissistic at worst

this is fractally wrong. Its wrong at an atomic level.

Minor detail, and apologies if someone else has mentioned this (have read all your posts, OP, but not the whole thread) but you should also have been charged double, by the church, for the organist and choir (if you had them) fees. It's a union thing to do with recording musicians. At the very least the videographer should be paying any extra charges!

Some people are really too stupid to imagine that just because they loved something, someone else may not. And therefore assume that if they don’t have it, it’s a money thing.

Your feelings are valid, but what's the point of being miserable about it now? It's done. You can leave the video upset your memories, or just put that aside and forget about it. It hasn't ruined the day, has it.

If I had wanted a videographer, I would have booked one. It's literally that simple.
not really, they are very expensive, not having something at your wedding often means you can't afford it, not that you necessarily don't want it.

You had a professional photographer, so it wasn't a huge leap, not something completely out of the blue.

I am not trying to blame you at all, but bear with: were you too enthusiastic about your friend's video - because you tried to be polite? Is it possible she thought she was testing the water when she discussed it with you, and went from there?

you said she's kind, she obviously meant well. Is it possible she completely misunderstood when you had chats about her own videographer?

I wouldn't say anything now, you can't change the wedding, what good would it do?

Yes your friend overstepped, but as PP have said, you may be grateful for the video in years to come. I didn’t have one, just some snaps of the day and none formal. Now, 28 years later I would love to see my dad again, making his speech and many other family members long gone. My granddaughter would love to see him speaking and moving around instead of photos. I’m sorry it spoiled your day, but I’m sure you have some wonderful memories.

If you try and think of it from her shoes, it came from the heart, took a lot of organising and a lot of love went into arranging this for you

No, she looked at the situation entirely from her pov ('I loved having a videographer at my wedding and OP will love it too') and didn't give a moment's thought to how OP might feel. This is controlling behaviour. 'I like it so you will like to too.' Not kind, not loving.

I'd have hated this and think that your "lovely friend" way overstepped. Not sure what you can do about it now but for me it would certainly have put a crimp in the friendship.

I get how you might be upset at first. But seriously, why are you letting this impact you still? ... it is a first world problem, and something you can't change. Get over it.

Given the points many other posters have made about how much details pre-wedding briefing for photographers and consents for organists, choirs, vicars etc - are you sure the video guy was a 'professional' and not just a mate of your friend ?

I would have tod him to leave if I felt that strongly about it.

I would tell your friend that you think she meant well but actually it ruined your day and you wish she hadnt.

Something similar happened at my wedding. 25 years later and I still haven't watched it. I really, really hate seeing myself on video and I'm not that keen on having pictures taken. I totally get it.

OMG yes......"it came from a place of love" "they meant well" "they did what they thought was best" "You may have said something that made them think it was what you wanted" It seemed the best thing for everybody/the best thing to do" All of those things mean "they royally screwed up and don't want to admit it"