Unwanted videographer at my wedding

[banjomonkey]

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

The video person sounds really unprofessional they haven’t contacted the people whose wedding it was.
I’d contact them and say you didn’t want them there and how they impacted negatively on your day and to delete all footage. If you have a copy put it in a drawer and don’t look you won’t view it favourably.
With passage of time you may stumble across it one day and it be less raw and nice to see.
As for friend if she specifically asks if you have watched it say you haven’t looked as you didn’t want a video taking.
I had no professional photos and no video many years ago. No regrets.

This is my idea of hell - being filmed unaware from every angle. And for those of you saying to forget it and just bin the video. I GUARANTEE that the friends who contributed towards this are going to want to see it - possibly even make an evening of it. The OP will have to sit through it multiple times and answer questions about how much she loved it.

You are not being unreasonable, it’s not what you wanted and that’s ok.

I’d hold on to the video though as it might be of more interest to you when you are retirement age, to remember all the friends and family.

I think that's incredibly rude

It was likely done from a place of well meaning and genuine kindness as the friend had loved her experience with having it at her wedding and wanted the same for you. Sadly she mis-read the 'room'

But to interfere in somebody's else's wedding so significantly is terrible

Focus on the good parts of your day and put it off to the side until it's less raw I would suggest

I’d be heartbroken and furious too. I totally understand. This is the one day you can make things totally the way you want. I would tell her the truth about how you feel, I’d try to tone it down a bit. I also think like others in many years you might appreciate it. Future kids might love it for example.

I too would be so upset by this. Cuddle your husband and try to get through the upset.

I hate being photographed so this would ruin the day for me too….
Im sure your friend thought she was being kind, but she has massively overstepped here.
Try and find out the name of the photographer…maybe your friend has wedding pictures online with a link? Or just ask your friend who it was….
I would then talk to the photographer and say very clearly that you didn’t want the video, that you certainly didn’t consent to it, and that you feel it has ruined a really sacred part of your day. That you are concerned they just did this without permission, especially as there were children in the bridal party whose parents would not want them filmed. Make it very clear that you want the video destroyed immediately.

As for your friends, if it comes up just say you really appreciate their kindness but your friend massively overstepped and you have been left very upset by the knowledge that your ceremony was filmed. That their presence at your wedding was a wonderful gift, and you were so happy to share your day with them.

As for the friend…. I would take a little time and then tell her that she overstepped, that you have been left very upset, and that you have told the photographer to delete all the video. Let her get upset.

I think OP, those suggesting you contact the videographer direct to advise they check the correct permissions etc in future have it right, then forget about it. If it gets back to your friend so be it. If she confronts you I would probably go along the lines of "I appreciate you had good intentions and I'm sorry if you misunderstood but I was clear that I didn't want my wedding video'd. I don't want this to spoil our friendship so I'd rather we moved on". If she insists on arguing I would just shut down any further discussion and change the subject.

This sounds to me like the best solution.
OP, I would be livid about this, your friend just didn't give a toss about your feelings. I'm not sure why other friends went along with it, how on earth did she suggest it to them? I'd have said I was doing my own thing present wise thank you. I certainly wouldn't be wasting money on that.

As for all the 'you'll appreciate it in 20 years' comments, are you joking? My parents bought my graduation video years ago, no one can watch it (like who would want to) because it's on VHS and none of us have a bloody VHS recorder. You really think you can watch a video from today in 20 years time without regularly copying it using the latest software?

I hate having my photo taken OP - I'd be upset too. I think I'd tell the photographer that I don't want to see /choose pictures. I would accept the video, but not watch it, to keep the peace.If people ask about the photos, I'd explain I don't like having my photo taken.
I hope you find a way to think only about the wonderful parts of the day. Congratulations.

I'd have gone nuts.

It's your wedding to organise, what a massive overstep.

I can usually find some way forward with stuff as I like to find a compromise but nope, you have one day and this was not in your plans.

I would have hated that too as I am very uncomfortable with being photographed and videoed, to the extent I would have actually halted at the very beginning when I first noticed and politely asked if they were in the wrong place and what was going on, then asked them to leave and moved on from it.

But it has happened, it was done with good intentions by someone who obviously cares (albeit a bit overstepping/controlling), you can't change the past, try to move on from it.

I would actually confide in some friends that you really didn't want a videographer and were totally blindsided and a bit upset about it. Explain you can't even watch the video as it was something you actively did not want. But you do understand the thought that went into it.

Not necessarily the person who organised it, but other friends.

This is really helping me think it through here rather than talk to anyone. The only thing I would say is that I DEMAND a copy of @Yellowpingu's wedding video. Brilliant! I think to people who are asking why I didn't stop it on the day - it's probably clear that I am still feeling awkward about it after the event. The idea of bringing everything to a halt on the day itself just wasn't an option for me.

You are not over reacting at all, it must have been a horrible shock. It was wrong of your friend to organise it and it was wrong of the videographer to take the job.

But how do you move on? Will you feel better for getting it off your chest? Would telling your friends how you feel make things better or worse? It happened, you need to focus on the future now.

I would however seriously consider contacting the videographer to point out he shouldn't have done it without your permission, you didn't want one and he caused a lot of upset. Plus check on the issue with paying the costs for any church performers as mentioned by pps, he should cover the costs.

My view, this was a massive overstep. This is the sort of thing you ask if someone wants. A lot of people have very different approaches to video and photographs.

I think that’s really rude - organising something within your actual ceremony that you hadn’t organised yourself. Like filling the venue with tiger lilies or something instead of your chosen decorations. Really strange

OP, I completely agree with you. This friend is so misguided. She thought about what SHE loved, not what you might like. I would be devastated if it was me.
As much as there’s nothing you can do about it now, I think she should know that she messed up. Why should you need to suck up this horrible feeling since she ruined an important part of your day with her intrusive AF “gift” (which also precluded you from getting gifts from others!)?! Why are her feelings more important than yours and your husband’s?!
If you don’t tell her that this was not appropriate, she may go on and do some other “thoughtful” thing for someone else in future with similar results.
I think she needs to hear that you appreciate the sentiment and effort she went to, but she should have cleared it with you first.
I’m so so so sorry your wedding was tarnished by this shit gift!!

its not just photos though, its a video that she clearly said to her friend neither she nor her hubby wanted.

Your friend crossed the line there, that's horrible.

Not rtft but the subject of your wedding will be very quickly old news. After a week no one will be talking about it except you. Say thank you anx leave at that.

your wedding day is just a day. Concentrate on the marriage. After a month or two the actual day will be an irrelevance even to you.

How did you find out it was your friends?

Ideally you’d be able to say “I love you friend and I know you had good intentions but I really wish you hadn’t done that. I was so confused and distracted and I just couldn’t relax knowing I was being filmed.”

But the way groups are, it could spread around the group and they could conclude you’re being unreasonable depending on how friend takes that comment. They all end up angry.

Or she feels terrible and has to live with fact she ruined your wedding day a bit for you. Then it’s always the elephant in the room for years to come.

For your own happiness I think try your best to stop thinking about it and let the good memories take over. I don’t have a group of friends that would do something big like that for me, it’s a great thing really.

Wow... I might be missing the point here, but didn't that really mess up the ability of your photographer to do her job? Also breach her contract if you had an additional person documenting the day... I'd 100% be annoyed if it messed up the photos.

Like I said @Itisjustmyopinion it’s stupid of her friendship group to do this . But if they’re all friends and have been for a long time - they didn’t think it through …but I doubt all her friends are arrogant and narcissistic. They are big words.

30 years married.

Slightly Different but I understand your feelings. The money involved would make it worse too for me.

Video taken by my father-in-law at wedding, for free Really didn't want it, but he was always recording people. Priest made him turn the recorder off but he still got a fair amount.

I do not cherish the video, never watched it. I didn't let it ruin my day, but I did stop him filming at other events where he was getting in the way of us.

I’m glad you got some good feedback here and it’s helping you get it clear in your mind.

I hate being photographed and recorded too.

A cousin filmed our wedding as an (agreed) gift, he does have some videography experience so edited the DVD. Our wedding was in 2008 and that DVD has never been watched. I am glad it’s there, and should prob consider getting it put on a USB stick, and maybe my children would like to see it. My ILs have held screenings of other family wedding videos so I had to actively hide it to prevent this happening….

I’m not sure how much time needs to pass before I feel the urge to watch it, it’s been almost 17 years and still no inclination.

That sounds awful, and you couldn't have stopped it without creating a scene and ruining your own wedding. Horrible to be blindsided like that.

We only had still photos and not that many! At a relatives wedding the videographer was very intrusive and actually stood right in front of our table blocking our view of the bride & groom during the speeches. My OH asked him to move and got daggers, but we wanted to see the live event not the video.

YANBU