Unwanted videographer at my wedding

[banjomonkey]

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

Can people please stop telling @banjomonkey that she is overreacting and should just accept it for what it was? What it was, was huge overreach by her friend. She had been told that there wasn't to be a videographer and decided that she would organise one anyway!
I'd have been gutted because I absolutely hate the way I look on film. I also wouldn't have wanted somebody there filming me. Also, the complete lack of presents would have been annoying too.
Stop minimising the bad behaviour.

OP i'm sad and angry for you! I absolutely hate the way i look to the point i haven't even taken a selfie in over 4 years, and not a single photo has ever been taken of me and my fiancee in the over 4 1/2 years we've been together, at my insistence. I will not be having a photographer at my wedding. (Engaged but no date as circumstances dont allow for the foreseeable) I will allow my dad who has been a hobby photographer for over 40 years to take some specific pictures like stood at the altar and signing the certificate, and i absolutely want a father daughter picture, because i know he will respect my feelings and i'll have total control over the images afterwards and veto power to delete or edit any i choose. Partner and myself have autism and don't do crowds or attention so it will be registry office, just my dad and sister as my guests and his mum, dad and son as his, probably not even inviting his 2 half siblings. No after party, maybe a meal but probably just the service to be honest. Neither of us like being out of the house long so even the service will be pushing comfort zones. I will definitely be requesting no videos or photos taken by other guests, and would be really put off and uncomfortable if i saw someones phone in the air videoing or flash going taking pictures. It is going to hurt massively that my late mum won't be there, never mind having her glaringly obviously missing from photos. The best reminders will be my memories, not photos where i'm immediately upset by hating how i look. Knowing my mother in law the way i do, i know she will almost certainly still try taking her own pictures, shes not great at respecting boundaries. She isn't malicious and wouldn't be intentionally upsetting or making me uncomfortable, but she'd very much take the opinion i was being silly feeling that way and want the pictures for her own personal use even if never shared.

It was you and your husbands day, nothing should have been done against your wishes. Your friend wouldn't dream of altering your venue, flowers, decor, guest list, menu, DJ etc, and to me adding in a videographer is on par with those examples. It's a decision that should never have been entertained by the videographer without getting your express permission as the couple whose event it was. Friend being the one paying does not override the fact it was not her event they were videoing, very poor professionalism, and deserving of factual reviews everywhere should you find out their details.

your wedding

your rules

end of story

If you dare to watch the film you will see the fun everyone was having and how happy they are to see you get married. There will be things filmed that you didn't notice on the day and you might be thrilled to see them.

Massive overstep on friends behalf
Sorry its muddied your feelings of the day

I had a video grapher it's never watched other than when I miss my Gran who looks so happy in it

I would be fuming. Who organises a surprise videographer for a wedding they didn't even plan?? Unless you had said you desperately wanted one but couldn't afford it there was no reason to assume this was a good gift idea. Your friend wasn't that thoughtful; she chose a gift idea based on what SHE would want.

And yes the gift list matters. IDGAF about pretending they don't matter because yes they do. You clearly stated what you wanted and your friend(s) ignored all that to pay for a videographer. I'm sorry but this was just senseless.

I would find it hard to confront this too but I don't think you should have to pretend to be happy about this. I think you can tell them you know they meant well but you didn't want a videographer at the wedding and be open that you feel torn because you don't want to upset them but you also want to be honest.

You're not overreacting. You are underreacting, if anything.

People plan their weddings in meticulous detail, and other people should know this and not interfere. Your friend was massively out of order, and way out of line.

Ugh, it's horrible when people disregard your wishes, especially for such a significant occasion.

I'm a massive introvert and when my now (and still, surprisingly) DH was booking the cars I was clear that I wanted the bog standard plain white Merc. On the day what rolls up outside our flat in a rather dodgy area but a massive vintage Rolls-Royce. A small crowd soon gathered and (amid cheers and clapping from the onlookers) I ushered my MOH and mum out the door and into the car and told the poor bewildered driver to get going. He was trying to assure me we had plenty time, the venue was only 10 minutes away, but I may actually have shouted "Go, go"! 😅

We drove around in circles for around half an hour just to make sure the groom got there before us. I HAD WORDS later and if I'm honest I still have a chip on my shoulder about it and may even be known to bring it up if drunk.

As we came out of the church, unbeknownst to me, another relative had organised a piper and I almost shat myself when the skirl started up which drew the attention of a bus load of tourists (very scenic church), I just wanted the ground to swallow me up.

I said nothing about the piper as it was a genuine gesture if not one I'd have chosen but the car seriously pissed me off as he KNEW I didn't want a fancy car.

I think OP, those suggesting you contact the videographer direct to advise they check the correct permissions etc in future have it right, then forget about it. If it gets back to your friend so be it. If she confronts you I would probably go along the lines of "I appreciate you had good intentions and I'm sorry if you misunderstood but I was clear that I didn't want my wedding video'd. I don't want this to spoil our friendship so I'd rather we moved on". If she insists on arguing I would just shut down any further discussion and change the subject.

This is on her, not you.

Yup all these "put it behind you" and "you will be thankful later" posts are pissing me off. I can only presume it's them projecting their own unwillingness to confront their friends (which isn't easy but needs to be done at times) or that they are similar when it comes to gift giving; not considering the recipient and expecting a thank you regardless.

I totally understand what your saying
But
When your in your 90s and your forgetting everything,how lovely will it be to remember this day .
I'd put it away somewhere safe untill your much older ,and one day ,you may be glad to watch it and remember

I echo everything everyone has said.

I also think videographers are pointless and once went to a wedding where a couple forwarded theirs on to us afterwards. It was 45 minutes long! I wasn’t watching that. Maybe if if was 3 mins tops.

If you really don’t want to talk to her about it I was just ask her the details of the videographer and say you have some questions for him. Then I would address it head on with the videographer and make sure he doesn’t send it to anyone else.

Have you seen any of your friends since the wedding or spoken to them? Is the video meant to be sent directly to you or the friend? I wouldn’t put it past her to organise a video viewing party with all your mates. You need to speak to her asap. Why are you worried about hurting her feelings? She certainly wasn’t worried about yours on one of the most important days of your life. She was totally out of order.

I think this is an enormous overstep by your friend, and I’m so sorry this happened.

Both in terms of the intrusion on the day and the “rallying the masses” as a pp put it to contribute to this.

I would find it very hard to thank people for the gift and not to say how I was feeling. The difficulty I sometimes have with unwanted presents is I hate the idea of people having wasted their money!

Nonsense. The friend got it wrong but it wasn't intentionally malicious etc. Plus OP says in her OP that she wasn't adamant to her friend about not wanting one. Friend probably thought she was doing a nice thing. It's not something to throw a friendship away over.

Would that be 'strange reaction' as in 'reaction you can't personally understand'? 🙄

If you're not able to empathise with perspectives other than your own, the least you could do is accept different things matter to different people and none of it makes anyone 'strange'. There are all sorts of reasons people might not want a video (not 'photos', which OP did have) of their wedding.

Personally I think you're being 'strange' in posting with such a lack of understanding that people are different.

Your last sentence echoes what I was thinking.
I go along with the comments that suggest your friend did this with the best of intentions - but it was still over-stepping.
In your opening post you say that you simply told your friend you weren't having a videographer.
Had I been your friend, I wouldn't have known from that that you were totally and utterly against having one, and/or I may have thought it was because of the expense.
You then go on to say you should have made it clear that it was important to you not to have one.
I think that would have stopped your friend in her tracks, (well I hope it would!). You didn't make it clear how strongly you felt, but to be fair you weren't to know that either!

I would have no interest in the video, would have no interest in wedding presents or not because of thr video it would have been announced pfr about 30 seconds then moved on i have no issues in anyone having a problem with this but it certainly would not have ruined my entire wedding over it

And this climbing over each other to see how muxh drama people can squeeze out of a situation is why I think these days mental health issues is going into overdrive

I feel your pain, OP, and I think you are justified. She crossed a line and she shouldn't have done it. I had something sort of similar happen at my own wedding. A friend of DH's who fancied herself as something of a photographer took it upon herself to take a lot of unwanted photos, have them all developed, put an album together and then ask for several hundred pounds to cover her costs. The photos included a lot of her with my DH and as I recall, 2 of me. It was really weird. DH is still friends with her and still sees her occasionally, but I'm not involved in that friendship and TBH I wish he wasn't either, especially given that everyone knew she had a massive thing for him when we were at uni. And he's twitchy over the friendship, too, I suspect because he knows deep down that he should probably have stepped away from it.

What I will say is that a lot of people seem to lose their heads over a wedding. We all know about bridezillas, but it extends far beyond that. Weddings bring out the worst in anyone with a degree of emotional immaturity. Honestly, as a guest, all you have to do is turn up in a reasonably smart outfit, smile, and keep your mouth shut.

It feels horrendous now, which is understandable, but in time it won't feel so bad, and you'll be able to cope with it better. You're in the post wedding day phase which can be a really emotionally difficult time after all the months of anticipation and stress. But it will be OK. You don't have to watch the video, you don't have to like it, you don't ever have to think she did you some sort of favour, and your friendship will be different going forward, but it will be ok. x.

Oh no! That’s really awful. I’m sorry. This friend clearly got it spectacularly wrong but sounds like she really meant to do something nice, which makes it even worse really. No advice but so sorry this happened.

I got married over 30 years ago on a budget. DH’s family were really into taking home videos so I expressly said I didn’t want any videos taken to his side which is far larger than my own. I turn up at the Church and here’s MY uncle waving his video camera in my face. I must have had a face like thunder because he said ‘what’s the matter, don’t you want your photie taken?’ I replied with ‘No. Piss off!’ Here endeth the Mr & Mrs Pingu wedding video (still married BTW!). So I get it and I’m sorry this happened.

Someone ruining their friend's wedding day is hilarious to you?

It’s a stupid thing to do. Not sure why your friends didn’t think this through. I am sorry this happened. But it’s done and there’s nothing can be done to change it. Unless you want an apology from them all but not sure what that would accomplish? So you can let it ruin things and continue to upset you or you can reframe it in your mind and move on. This is down to your own mindset but it is possible. Hopefully that gets easier with time.

She overstepped.

Now that it happened, however, keep in mind that life is long (or short!) and unpredictable and you might yet end up appreciating this material down the years.

I hated some of the photos from early newborn days, long story that, but as you grow older, insecurities change, sensibilities change, circumstances change and memories gain importance. I am now on balance glad I have them.

I agree she has every right to be upset.
My initial thought was she should say something to her friend so that it could be aired and apologies made. Then I thought of how divided people are about this and how she could potentially lose friends or create an even bigger drama or upset over doing that.
It's happened, and unfortunately there's naff all she can do to make it or herself feel better, so what's the point of making things worse.
In time she'll likely forget it and remember all the other, more important bits from the day, hopefully.
She just needs to air her thoughts on here, get some validation and try to move past it if she can, as the other options would be the opposite to that.
In future if there is a chance that a boundary may be crossed again like this then she will be more wary I suppose, and take stronger steps to make sure people dont f up like that again.

Hopefully this thread will serve as a reminder to future wedding guests to communicate clearly in advance with the bride and groom if they are proposing anything like this as a gift.

The videographer should also have sought consent in advance from the couple getting married. It is common sense and a breach of good practice not to.