Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unwanted videographer at my wedding

685 replies

banjomonkey · 19/06/2025 09:12

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

OP posts:
purplegreenfish · 22/06/2025 08:06

I’d feel exactly the same as you OP, I’m so sorry.

It sounds like your friend had good intentions so I’d just try and forget this and move on, unless there are other issues with the friendship.

To those saying you’ll be glad of it in the future, I don’t agree - we also had a videographer at our wedding against our wishes (different reasons to the OP) and fifteen years on I still haven’t watched it and don’t plan to ever watch it.

YourPoliteGreySloth · 22/06/2025 08:10

babystarsandmoon · 19/06/2025 09:14

You’re overreacting. You both have a strange reaction to something as simple as photos.

Photos / videos can be super triggering for those who have insecurities, for example. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, however, calling someone’s reaction “strange” because it’s different to how you’d feel, is quite odd. The OP feels how they feel.

Lioncub2020 · 22/06/2025 08:11

I'd be annoyed too. I wouldn't have wanted to be filmed - it changes the dynamic. I wouldn't see this as any different to me telling a friend that had a barn dancing caller at their wedding and loved it, booking one to turn up for my reception. The fact you now feel the need to avoid stepping on egg shells with your friends making this worse.

Icannotremembermyusername · 22/06/2025 08:13

I know I am late to this thread...but OP, I do feel for you. I had the same happen to me, we decided to get married abroad, (family issues) and it was only us two. We paid for a photographer at the resort - fine although actually I wasn't that bothered. On the day itself, as I was walking down the aisle and we were going through the ceremony, I could see some random guy filming us! All the way through everything!! (this was in the time of camcorders, not phones)...and to add insult to injury - he was just wearing Speedos! I chose to ignore it, but I get how you feel, as I was aware of him constantly.
At the end, he came up to me to say he recorded it all as he thought it would be a nice memory for me and he would post me the tape (he was german). Yes I thanked him for being so kind and didn't tell him I wasn't best pleased but hey ho - it was thoughtful.
25 years later I am so glad he did! We watch it time to time (you can even hear me say "who the hell is that random guy who keeps filming us") but that adds to it. I am not saying you will feel the same way, but just a little bit of solidarity for you and there could be a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe it's more that you feel she didn't consider your wishes rather than the actual video itself?

YorkshireRosy · 22/06/2025 08:49

I totally understand why you are upset about this, as your friend definitely overstepped, but there was no malice. Your friends had the best intentions and wanted to do something nice for you. I know you told them you didn't want a videographer, and they should have listened to that, but they had no idea about why, or your strength of feeling on the matter. They probably presumed it was not a priority in the budget so you skipped it, and just thought it was a lovely thing to suprise you with. Don't get me wrong, I don’t agree with what they did, I wouldn't dream of arranging a 'nice surprise' for someone's wedding without being sure they'd actually want it!
Everything is very raw for you at the moment, but you have a choice here. You had a wonderful wedding day, surrounded by family and friends who love you and wanted to be a part of your day and to make it special for you. You can choose, in time, to forgive your friends for their poorly judged, but well intended gift, and focus on all the wonderful memories of your day, and I really, really hope that you can do this. In terms of speaking to your friends about it, then I think you should tell them how you feel, but maybe wait until your emotions are less raw, so it doesn't blow up what otherwise sounds like a good friendship. They got this spectacularly wrong, but it was kindly meant.
If it helps at all, I had a videographer at my wedding 27 years ago. We weren't that bothered about it but my parents thought it might be nice, and were paying, so we went along with it. I have to say that I am now so glad we have a video of our day. We didn't watch it for about 12 years, but our eldest son found it in the video/dvd cupboard and wanted to see it so we put it on. Boy did it bring smiles to our faces, to see how young we looked, (we were only 21!) to see relatives we've since lost and the kids thought it was hilarious seeing their grandads with hair! We saw things about the day we hadn't even seen or known about before, friends being daft etc! We've watched it a couple of times since then and it brings us a great amount of joy. Maybe store the footage somewhere and if you never watch it then no problem, but one day you might actually love it (which at the end of the day is all your friend was trying to achieve).

SmudgeHughes · 22/06/2025 10:30

You are not being unreasonable but you’ve got to let it go. In years to come, when you finally find the stomach to watch it, you’ll probably be charmed by how lovely you look, by how gorgeous the day was. Just try to let it go now and to enjoy what you’ve got.

godmum56 · 22/06/2025 10:53

Tiredandtiredagain · 22/06/2025 07:46

I disagree, I don’t need photos of my relative s that have died to remember them.

My sister died last year, I can see her clearly in my mind, I remember her often.

Photos serve no real purpose to me, I have none on display, I don’t like having my photo taken.

Show quote history

same here, no photos on display.

godmum56 · 22/06/2025 10:54

SmudgeHughes · 22/06/2025 10:30

You are not being unreasonable but you’ve got to let it go. In years to come, when you finally find the stomach to watch it, you’ll probably be charmed by how lovely you look, by how gorgeous the day was. Just try to let it go now and to enjoy what you’ve got.

will she be charmed by rememebering the fuckwit who muscled in on her wedding?

godmum56 · 22/06/2025 10:56

YorkshireRosy · 22/06/2025 08:49

I totally understand why you are upset about this, as your friend definitely overstepped, but there was no malice. Your friends had the best intentions and wanted to do something nice for you. I know you told them you didn't want a videographer, and they should have listened to that, but they had no idea about why, or your strength of feeling on the matter. They probably presumed it was not a priority in the budget so you skipped it, and just thought it was a lovely thing to suprise you with. Don't get me wrong, I don’t agree with what they did, I wouldn't dream of arranging a 'nice surprise' for someone's wedding without being sure they'd actually want it!
Everything is very raw for you at the moment, but you have a choice here. You had a wonderful wedding day, surrounded by family and friends who love you and wanted to be a part of your day and to make it special for you. You can choose, in time, to forgive your friends for their poorly judged, but well intended gift, and focus on all the wonderful memories of your day, and I really, really hope that you can do this. In terms of speaking to your friends about it, then I think you should tell them how you feel, but maybe wait until your emotions are less raw, so it doesn't blow up what otherwise sounds like a good friendship. They got this spectacularly wrong, but it was kindly meant.
If it helps at all, I had a videographer at my wedding 27 years ago. We weren't that bothered about it but my parents thought it might be nice, and were paying, so we went along with it. I have to say that I am now so glad we have a video of our day. We didn't watch it for about 12 years, but our eldest son found it in the video/dvd cupboard and wanted to see it so we put it on. Boy did it bring smiles to our faces, to see how young we looked, (we were only 21!) to see relatives we've since lost and the kids thought it was hilarious seeing their grandads with hair! We saw things about the day we hadn't even seen or known about before, friends being daft etc! We've watched it a couple of times since then and it brings us a great amount of joy. Maybe store the footage somewhere and if you never watch it then no problem, but one day you might actually love it (which at the end of the day is all your friend was trying to achieve).

but you "didn't mind" at the time and weren't actually against it. If this were my friend, I'd be wondering what the next "wonderful surprise" was going to be.

Val33 · 22/06/2025 11:33

If you cannot express your upset to her yourself, could you possibly get your husband/mother/relative to casually drop it into the conversation next time they meet her? Just one line - "she was quite upset to see him at the church and had no idea who sent him. She definitely didn't want one, some people just don't like to be photographed or videod". And that's it. Simply knowing that your friend is aware she got it wrong will give you a little closure. Surely she has some idea by your reaction? She might not even say it to you and if she does, just re-iterate you didn't want one, but appreciate the gift. No drama, no awkwardness in future with friend.

Ponoka7 · 22/06/2025 11:37

The initial conversation was a fact finding mission on her part. If people were politely honest, these situations wouldn't happen. There's nothing wrong with saying something isn't for you. She's got caught up with wanting to deliver a big surprise and they are always about the giver. It's telling that she didn't consult your Mum. I'd feel slightly insulted if someone outside the family, thought that we were all too tight to organise something my daughter wanted. I'd want to talk to another close friend, who chipped in and see how it was sold to everyone. There will be other people at the wedding who went into unnatural positions, sitting stiffly, stopped talking etc because they were being filmed. It would be unusual for the video to not have the business's detail on. I'd drop them an email.

EleanorReally · 22/06/2025 11:45

i dont understand why your family dont want to see the video, i bet they are just agreeing with you

Arran2024 · 22/06/2025 13:04

We had a video of our wedding. I never watched it but my mum did and when we had children they loved it.

godmum56 · 22/06/2025 13:16

EleanorReally · 22/06/2025 11:45

i dont understand why your family dont want to see the video, i bet they are just agreeing with you

because they too think it was a shit thing to do?

Bongani · 22/06/2025 13:32

It's perfectly legal to take pictures or video of anyone or anything in a public place. But it's polite to ask permission at a private event in a public place.

minmoo2 · 22/06/2025 14:06

I think it might be an idea to reframe how you’re thinking about this. You say you had a wonderful day and it was exactly how you wanted it, and also that all your closest best friends contributed to it- so if your closest friends, presumably people who know you pretty well didn’t think it was an issue and didn’t say to the lady who was arranging it that you’d hate it and they weren’t contributing as they planned to get you something else, they this lady couldn’t have known. I know it was your wedding day & can see it might have felt intrusive, but it sounds like they were just trying to do something nice for you and thought you’d like it (especially if lots of people knew about it & contributed) I would just say thank you & that it was thoughtful of them and then just never watch it and move on if that’s how you feel- or sit down as watch it with you new hubby, cringe at how hideous it is and try to find the funny side- it’s happened now and you can’t change it & not sure it’s worth falling out with your friends over .

EleanorReally · 22/06/2025 14:09

godmum56 · 22/06/2025 13:16

because they too think it was a shit thing to do?

Show quote history

but surely there must be some curiousity?

godmum56 · 22/06/2025 14:10

EleanorReally · 22/06/2025 14:09

but surely there must be some curiousity?

Show quote history

why? they were there.

hobbcat · 22/06/2025 14:13

Maybe now’s the time to get to the bottom of your dislike of being photographed, particularly if you plan to have children

godmum56 · 22/06/2025 14:14

minmoo2 · 22/06/2025 14:06

I think it might be an idea to reframe how you’re thinking about this. You say you had a wonderful day and it was exactly how you wanted it, and also that all your closest best friends contributed to it- so if your closest friends, presumably people who know you pretty well didn’t think it was an issue and didn’t say to the lady who was arranging it that you’d hate it and they weren’t contributing as they planned to get you something else, they this lady couldn’t have known. I know it was your wedding day & can see it might have felt intrusive, but it sounds like they were just trying to do something nice for you and thought you’d like it (especially if lots of people knew about it & contributed) I would just say thank you & that it was thoughtful of them and then just never watch it and move on if that’s how you feel- or sit down as watch it with you new hubby, cringe at how hideous it is and try to find the funny side- it’s happened now and you can’t change it & not sure it’s worth falling out with your friends over .

you don't know the friend or her motivation. "I enjoyed it so you will enjoy it" doesn't sound great to me.....also we don't know what she told the friends.... "She really liked the idea of it and LOVED mine but her budget doesn't stretch to it" The "friend" might even belive that herself.

godmum56 · 22/06/2025 14:14

hobbcat · 22/06/2025 14:13

Maybe now’s the time to get to the bottom of your dislike of being photographed, particularly if you plan to have children

why?

godmum56 · 22/06/2025 14:15

Arran2024 · 22/06/2025 13:04

We had a video of our wedding. I never watched it but my mum did and when we had children they loved it.

but presumabley you knew it was going to happen and had agreed to it or at least didn't mind?

EleanorReally · 22/06/2025 14:16

godmum56 · 22/06/2025 14:10

why? they were there.

Show quote history

do you never take photos of events?
to see what you looked like, and remember what your relatives looked like
it is a very common pastime

godmum56 · 22/06/2025 14:17

EleanorReally · 22/06/2025 14:16

do you never take photos of events?
to see what you looked like, and remember what your relatives looked like
it is a very common pastime

Show quote history

no not really. I take photos of things but not people.....and ESPECIALLY not people who don't want to be photographed

BrickBiscuit · 22/06/2025 14:20

minmoo2 · 22/06/2025 14:06

I think it might be an idea to reframe how you’re thinking about this. You say you had a wonderful day and it was exactly how you wanted it, and also that all your closest best friends contributed to it- so if your closest friends, presumably people who know you pretty well didn’t think it was an issue and didn’t say to the lady who was arranging it that you’d hate it and they weren’t contributing as they planned to get you something else, they this lady couldn’t have known. I know it was your wedding day & can see it might have felt intrusive, but it sounds like they were just trying to do something nice for you and thought you’d like it (especially if lots of people knew about it & contributed) I would just say thank you & that it was thoughtful of them and then just never watch it and move on if that’s how you feel- or sit down as watch it with you new hubby, cringe at how hideous it is and try to find the funny side- it’s happened now and you can’t change it & not sure it’s worth falling out with your friends over .

It's you that needs to reframe. It was NOT wonderful, or exactly how they wanted it. "I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted ..." (OP).