Unwanted videographer at my wedding

[banjomonkey]

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

Hi there! I’m sorry this happened to you, because I get where you’re coming from!

Firstly, I would have stopped walking down the freakin aisle to get rid of that videographer, or would have sent someone to find him and eject him. But, you didn’t, for your reasons, and here we are.

I too think that you need to contact the videographer to let them know, etc. they’re bound to be mortified.

I’m not sure exactly where in the world you are, but in the US, someone doesn’t need permission to record in public, but a private event is an entirely different story. Your friend also may have falsified your signature on legal documents, granting permission to record, etc. you need to look into all of those issues.

I also wouldn’t be too concerned with upsetting your friend, because of the following reasons: she didn’t care about your feelings on the subject. It’s not like you said, “We would love it, but can’t afford it,” or something similar. You said you didn’t want one, which she chose to ignore, regardless of your feelings! It’s passive disrespect and she only did it because she wanted you to have one, that’s it. Then, she got your friends involved, which, didn’t any of your friends know your feelings on the matter? If so, why didn’t they speak up????

If I were you I’d do the following: contact friend, get videographer’s name, if she asks why, just say you had a question about an effect or completion date. Talk to the videographer and he should, at the very least, offer you a 50% refund- if they don’t offer you something, you would be well within your rights to mention that you’re going to contact wherever he has had to register his business with about his practices. Also, no matter if he compensates you or not, I’d file a complaint about their practices.

Then, after that, I’d contact the obtrusive friend and explain your feelings, and how something that you didn’t ask for and didn’t want aggravated you and therefore, irreversibly affected your life event, etc.

You can let her know this in a way that is not inflammatory, and if she gets upset, that’s on her. The only things you can really control in life are your actions and your reactions. Not other people’s. 🤷‍♀️

I’d also send an email to every contributor that says the same thing: you appreciate the generous gift, but feel badly that they were convinced/duped into contributing to something that you had clearly stated that you weren’t interested in having, etc. I would also let them know that you contacted the videographer, and the outcome of that and how you’ve spoken to so and so about your feelings.

Question: did the contributing friends at least give you guys a card to congratulate you on your wedding with notes inside that they contributed, or did your boundary ignoring friend tell you?

If they even didn’t get you a card because they contributed, you should definitely address that, because they each should have! I mean, we’re taking basic manners here!!

I’m recommending being honest with all involved, because I’m concerned that you
may not be able to move on if you don’t, and may get passive-aggressive with her or the others in the future.

Picture this hypothetical scenario: You’re expecting a baby (let’s pretend you want kids, because I don’t know if you do), and are having a baby shower, etc. Your arranger friend is over, talking about the impending arrival, party etc. and is surprised that you’re not painting the nursery at all or a certain color, because that’s what they did, yada yada… You’re still harboring resentments that you are or are not aware of, and you flippantly reply back, “Well, just don’t ask all my friends to contribute to having the nursery painted or painted a color I don’t want!!!”

Then, it’s on, and at a much less conducive, and much later time. Not fun.

Don’t add to situation by lying to your friends by omission, because that’s what you’re doing by not addressing it.

I hope this all works out so all are happy! Oh! Also, I’d never let ANYONE watch that video!! Unless you decide to watch and keep it! 🩷

I look forward to seeing an update! 🤩

I totally get why you're upset. Someone encouraged the organisation and planning of a "surprise" at my wedding which I absolutely didn't enjoy. With all of the planning and preparation that goes into a wedding it's really unfair to spring something on someone no matter how "lovely" the thought is. Iv chosen not to remember the surprise part of my wedding. 2 years later I still get irritated by it. But the rest of the day was beautiful and more than makes up for it. Funnily enough this surprise is featured in our wedding video and hubby thinks it's hilarious that I look less than impressed throughout!

Fwiw we had our wedding video made for the kids, my little girl was only a year old and I really wanted her to see the day when she's older. It's something I'd have loved to have seen of my own parents and my parents in law too. Perhaps you can save your video for your future family's memories rather than your own?

A friend took some video footage at my wedding and I couldn't stand videos of myself back then. Now I've somehow ended up running a podcast at work and nearly 20 years on, I would love to see that video now. I totally understand where you're coming from though. Try not to dwell on it, it sounds like it was done with the best of intentions but they missed the mark. Try to focus on how loved you are by your friends. I've known a lot of women fall out with friends over things like this following their wedding day. They would probably devastated if they knew how upset you are about it. Try to get past it if you can x

I said I didn't want videos (20 years ago) and told everyone that. I was a bit anxious then! Two of the guests got their camcorders out anyway, one while I walked up the aisle, and one was waiting for us outside when we left the ceremony first. I wanted that to be a tiny private moment. Sounds daft maybe but it's the one day you expect people to respect, or at least double check, what you actually want. I would have been livid about the gift situation.

Nah fuck off.

Seriously, can you imagine the scene where the Bride stops half way down the aisle, points and shouts at the Videographer ‘Get out I didn’t hire you !’ and then turns to the congregation and says ‘Now, where was I ?’

People love the drama, Mick

Confide in your friend. Say you know she meant well, but it’s making you feel really sad, and sadder still and totally isolated that you’ve felt like because it was a gift you can’t discuss it with your best friends or any of your friends so it’s also making you feel alone.

Tell her how sad you were to not be present in the most important moment of your life and to then have had to kept that sadness a secret and not have had anyone to talk to about it.

I get how you feel. Something happened in my life that made me really upset in a similar way, and after festering and replaying it in my head for over a decade I have finally found peace in the fact that the thing was done from a place of love albeit misguided. My advice to you would be to put the video in the back of a cupboard and leave it there. Try not to think about it again. One day you may watch the joy on your kids faces as they watch their mum and dad get married and feel differently about it x

I think you should have eloped and saved everyone the hassle and money! Bit of an overreaction?!

You clearly have no idea how much some people despise having their photo taken and the upset this is likely to cause.
Absolutely totally with you OP. I’ve never watched my wedding video from 30 years ago and I didn’t want it videoed either.

People who like having their pic taken can't understand why others don't. I'm reasonably good looking but not photogenic, and as a result hate my pic being taken. Surely the topic would've come up before, and at least one other 'best friend' would have known your wishes, and spoken up. I think it's important to address how you feel with your friend otherwise it will fester. Don't act angry.....just act hurt, and bewildered, that a friend decided you should have a gift that you really, really didn't want, and had made clear you didn't want. SHE wanted the video, she heard your wishes but disregarded them. Selfish cow!

I totally get this as feel I have been similarly hijacked in the past although not a wedding! Firstly the in-laws sprang a surprise christening style party for us in their garden with a lot of guests and cake when my daughter was a few weeks old. It meant we could not then really do a naming ceremony as all the guests had been there done it and bought a gift for the occasion. It was a proper affair with christening style cake and gazebo in the garden with “Its A Girl” plastered everywhere. Just before my daughter’s 1st birthday we were away with the in-laws at a hotel and Sister-in-law springs a first birthday celebration on us. With balloons and cake and decorations at the hotel. My first baby ( and turns out to be the only one we had) and she took that moment from us. At Christmas on a couple of occasions she showed up with the stocking presents for our child. Now, like your friend, my sister-in-law is a loving and giving person (not some show-stealing narcissist) but she gets it really wrong and tbh 18 years later I am still a bit upset about this when I think of it. I don’t know how you can approach her without making it worse for you than it already is - sorry. Someone should have told her no it was too personal a thing and I am surprised no family or anyone did so also how she did not feel this put a bit more. Has she history with this stuff?

I think your friend had good intentions and your close friends suggested it was the right thing to do. I think in years to come you’ll come to cherish the video.

I too am sorry that happened at the wedding. But please don't focus on that negative thing. Think about how lovely it was to prepare for the wedding and all the lovely things that went with it. I know you may not want to watch that video now, but who knows 20, 30 years down the line? If you decide to have children, who knows how excited such a video might be? Yes it is nice to get gifts and unwrap them, and the fact your guests contributed so much to this thing shows how well you're thought of and how much you're loved. Please don't let the actions of your dear friend take away the beauty of the wedding. It must also feel hard choking down the pain and annoyance you feel when u see her, especially when mah have had to thank her for a gift you didn't want.
Just take stock and let it flow out through you like water, see that it doesn't leave a scar or a dark memory. I wish you and your husband a lovely life together.xx

i honestly can’t imagine any friendship or situation where I’d think it was ok to invite a videographer to someone else’s wedding. What was she thinking. YANBU

At least you won’t have to write any thank-you letters!

Is it a wedding photographer from surrey/guilford/ cranleigh area? by any chance? I had problems with someone who used to be cabin crew.

That's closing the stable door after the horse has bolted. The ceremony has already been ruined for the bride owing to the intrusiveness of the logistics of the recording process and the videographer still requires paying otherwise there is a breach of contract. Those people who contributed to the video and might have been hoping for a copy are hardly likely to want to pay additionally for wedding presents and, if they did, the bride might feel guilty and awkward about their having to shell out twice for gifts.

It's a fait accompli. Put it down to experience: do not let oneself get into a similar situation with that person: make one's intentions clear before the fact, not after, risking a lesser upset and steer clear of similar controlling people.

I totally agree with you and it would have spoilt my day. I hate photos so I think my husband would have to tell them to leave.

I dont think your being unreasonable at all but I do think it was very very silly of you not to have nipped it in the bud at the time and now you only have yourself to blame for the awkwardness it gave you on the day.

You notice the videographer, you knew you didn’t want one. Why on earth did you start your day knowing it was there???? That part is completey unreasonable.

there is 100% nothing that would of stopped you going, whos that? .. oh such and such hired a videographer… oh i see, thank but could you send my apologies, my husband to be and i dont wished to be filmed.

then hello vicar, and get married, have your dream day. I’m sorry but you have to tske responsibility that you let the videographer stay.

you dont at all need to watch the video or expplain yourself to anyone. Your friend was completely out of order.

I understand this and would feel the same.We didn't have a photographer as I'd find it unbearable, being recorded is even worse!
It's really overstepping the mark arranging something like this without asking you.

I also hate photos, but accept that they are bloody inevitable. But unwanted and distracting video is a whole other level, and if that had happened to me (when I was younger and less confrontational) I'd just have walked straight back down the aisle and got a cab home, unmarried.

Today, I'd probably go ballistic and demand to know who had organised it and why they thought that was okay ... and then march off.

1. 😒

Why didn't you or someone else tell the videographer to sling their hook as soon as possible, as soon as you noticed them yes even if you were doing your vows. If you don't like the resulting videos you could write to them politely requesting they delete the video. If you own the only copy, delete it.