Unwanted videographer at my wedding

[banjomonkey]

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

I am someone who hates myself being photographed and video. I fully empathise with you.
I feel your friend has controlled and sabotaged part of your wedding. I believe this because she railroaded your close friends and guests to pay for the videographer . Personally, I find this intrusive, disrespectful and unforgivable. A very strong reaction I know. However, I speak from experience where close friends. loved ones have ignored my feelings, thoughts and wishes throughout my life. And, when I have reacted to their antics I have been gaslit and made to feel the "Villian" because I hurt their feelings and they were. "Only thinking of me; that they thought I would like it". "They meant well". This is all rubbish as far as I'm concerned. It's all control, they think they know better .
Anyone who does something where the other person has explained or stated they do not want, are not bothered and made it clear they are not interested in a particular something needs to be challenged on going against the other person's wishes etc.
I believe you should have words with your "friend" about what she's done. Because, you state you had a lovely wedding day. However; she ruined it to some degree because this is bothering you. And your husband wasn't comfortable either. She was wrong and at the moment she's patting herself on the back believing she's the best thing.
Please speak to her for your own sanity; at the moment you are making excuses for her wrong behaviour. And, I suspect because she's so so so nice she's gotten away with stuff before.
Is she really your friend?
If she turns it back on you and makes you the villain then drop her. You've lost nothing and the same for the rest of your friends if they agree with her. Drop them too. I suspect she'll drag everyone in. Good luck.

I’m a professional photographer and videographer and there’s no way I’d have taken a job like this without the couple’s explicit consent. I’m so aware how self conscious people can feel being filmed/photographed and a huge part of my job is helping couples manage that. Having someone landed on you without warning like that would be hugely off-putting . Massive overstep from your friend.

Doesn’t sound like your family were up for spending much so unlikely to have missed any great presents.
shove it in a drawer and when u have kids or someone u love dies u can watch and remember them.

I completely understand how you feel, I’m sorry. It’s a shame some of your friends didn’t realise it wouldn’t be good to organise and stop her. If you wanted a videographer paid for, you would have put it on your wedding list!

We had a smaller and less minor situation at our wedding. We said no photography, thank you during the ceremony. On the morning of the wedding my mum said she saw the photographer and I was confused as it didn’t sound like our photographer. I didn’t think much about it.

When I went down the aisle I saw my husbands corner boss was armed with 1 or 2 long lenses cameras and was snapping away, next to our wedding photographer!! I regretted I was curt with him when we were leaving the ceremony. Anyway he continued snapping through our wedding, but never even sent us the photos after! Like you, I felt kind of intruded upon.

Separately, my uncle offered last minute to film. I was happy he offered, and appreciate having the videos. Perhaps there is a small, small chance you may appreciate later, but I understand that seems unlikely. I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.

I hope you have lovely memories from the rest of your wedding day xx

"How on earth does not liking to have your photo taken affect other people?"

Seriously??? Can you really not imagine a situation where everyone else in a group wants to take a photo and one person doesn't. I can't really believe this so I'm guessing you're like OP's groom and that's why you're playing the innocent.

this woman had no business organizing anything for your wedding, however good her intentions were.

Whatever anyone's opinion on videos and photos, or what OP should have done or felt, none of that matters. The above is absolutely fundamental.

The organisation and choices for a wedding are no-one's business other than the bride and groom. Inserting one's own preferences into someone else's wedding without discussion or notice is beyond the pale.
Imaging someone phoning the hotel and changing the menu. Or phoning the florist and changing the flowers to their own taste. Or tampering with the guest list.

Why anyone on this thread is defending the friend, boggles my mind.

Yes, I'm the groom. I've been posting an excessive number of posts a day on Mumsnet for about five years, pretending to be a 69 year old grandma. But I've finally been busted. Well done.

I know people who've not wanted to be in a group photo. No problem. They take the photo of the rest of us. I don't call that 'being affected'.

As a wonderful memory of a fucked up day......

I am that person. If its not my party, I step aside and let everyone else photograph everyone else. If its my party, I say no photos/videos and mean it.

If I throw a stick will you leave?

YANBU I'd have been livid. She had no right to get other guests to contribute to this.
She'd ruined my friendship with her. I'd want to tell her how you said you didn't want one and she went against your wishes and overstepped big time.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I'm surprised the videograper accepted the booking from a friend & not the bride or groom - they'd usually want a chat with you first to dicuss (we did at our wedding). Other ops suggesting you should have asked them to leave....of course that's unreasonable on your wedding day, you're too distracted getting married!

I do think you need to tell your friend how you feel, you deserve to have your feelings know about your wedding day & she needs to know her intentions may have been good, but to book something so personal has caused you a great deal of hurt & because this also became a group gift, you also unknowingly sacrificed gifts that you may have wanted/needed.

Weddings bring out the best & worst - my r'ship with my mum & sister broke down around my wedding. My best, childhood friend cut me off around hers.

Wishing you a wonderful married life!

YANBU. Even if people don't understand why you would not want a surprise video recording, that's not the point, for your own reasons you and your husband didn't. Your friend misjudged it, she had good intentions but got it very wrong. It 100% should have been ran past you. This is a day that is dedicated to you, your inputs, ideas etc and however you want that to look was up to you.
I wouldn't let it taint your wedding day. Keep those precious memories and remember your friend meant well.

I agree... having to bottle it up, lying to your friends.... is making all of this worse.

Also the "friend" having got friends to contribute will probably take it apon herself to post the video to them so they can see what they paid towards... As she's paid, the videographer will send her a copy first probably.

So you do need to tell her not to share the video.

She's completely overstepped the mark.. also in briefing the videographer herself as a pp said... does she often do things like this? insist she's right and her ideas are the best?

You don't have to bad mouth her, but don't cover for her either. as others have said you didn't do anything wrong

Sorry your special day was spoiled for you. Some people think their taste can be applied to everyone. I remember leaving a job and receiving a surprise thank you gift from the company’s Board. The woman who chose the gift on their behalf got me a Royal Doulton crinoline lady figure which I absolutely loathed but I had to pretend to be delighted with it. I felt very privileged to have received such a gift though.

Of course its not appropriate to hire, without permission, a videographer for someone else's wedding - that's an incredibly rude and presumptive thing to do.

I can fully appreciate why OP didn't address it at the time (especially during the ceremony, which is also the time of peak intrusion).

If this really is not typical of her character, I'd forgive it as being a one-off almighty fuckup.

Even among people who like having their photo taken, I imagine that many wouldn't want a video camera in their face during their wedding ceremony (particularly unannounced).

I get that not everyone would be upset (or as upset) as this bride and groom but surely anyone can recognize this was, to put it kindly, poor form?

OP - I do think you need to get the videographer's details, though - even if its just to stop the video going to your friend are her circulating or screening it (though I think you should complain to the videographer in strong terms, too).

In your shoes I think I'd probably have to (as gently as possible) raise it with my friend, too.

Yeah it'd be convenient if everyone liked, or even tolerated, the same things in life.

Not the way the world works though, is it?

I'm really struggling to imagine any scenario where I'd feel disgruntled if someone didn't fancy being part of a group photo.

I'm fine being on camera but it's not hard for me to understand that some people aren't. I can't relate to feeling entitled to photographs of other people though, or being upset if they decline. It sounds a bit creepy tbh.

THIS!!! 🤩

If you didn’t want it then it shouldn’t have happened. It’s a difficult one as a wedding guest for me as I don’t like my photo being taken especially the way they do it now. If you are able to pose and choose to be in it fine but videos no! My partner cannot be photographed for very good reasons and I have to speak to photographers etc to say no photos and we have had some very not so nice comments about it by those who don’t understand so a videographer just turning up like that is extremely intrusive and you are right to be upset .

First of all, please disregard that other comment that says you are being unreasonable – because you absolutely aren’t.

Secondly, I think it’s really important that you talk to your friend about how you’re feeling.I would wait until the pain of it has eased a little bit, and when that does then share how grateful you were for the thoughtfulness, but that it took you away from the most important moment of your life which was the reason you didn’t have one in the first place.

The reason I say this is because I hired my friend to photograph my wedding. The photos were absolutely incredible, but for some reason on the day she became a different person from the smiling happy lovely person she normally is. I could tell she was getting stressed out, but I didn’t realise just how much she had upset people until after the wedding. Every single guest I spoke to after said she had been rude and I even heard from our other mutual friend that she had been bitching about me (I was a chilled bride). I got a call from my mum on honeymoon in tears because she had no photos of our wedding because the friend shouted at her for taking a photo on her phone… One guest actually called her a nazi!

I was rightfully devastated and absolutely furious. I waited two whole months until I was calm enough to have an honest conversation with her. She was also a colleague at my job so working with her every day and pretending things were ok was really difficult.

When we did have the conversation she claimed to have no memory of behaving that way and said my family were all ganging up on her, when I shared it was both families and our friends who didn’t know each other and had no connection, she burst into tears and said a lot of things. When I explained to her that if this was what she wanted to do for her future, she needed to treat people differently or she won’t get more business by word of mouth, she was totally devastated. She never took accountability, she apologised but didn’t know why she was apologising…

After a few months, she quit her job and hasn’t worked since. That was 3 years ago! I’ve been blocked off everything and haven’t heard from her.

But! I did the right thing by speaking up because I honoured my family, friends and most of all my marriage and myself my sharing that this persons choices violated boundaries that could have been avoided had she have just took a minute to go calm down and emotionally regulated herself.

Your friend’s motives were good, there was no malice involved , but she was imposing her idea of perfection onto your wedding and crossed a major boundary for you and your husband. From the sound of it, she is very kind and loves you. This is why it’s important to be honest with her because that pain in your heart is real and won’t go away. Wait until you calm down and then just have a chat, hear her heart, thank her for her generosity but acknowledge and say that there were reasons why you didn’t have one that involved your husband too. You don’t have to tell her you won’t watch the video, but you do need to tell her how you are feeling to save your friendship or you will grow apart from her and she won’t know what she’s done wrong!

hope this has helped!

I never 'accused' you of being the groom so I don't know where you got that from.

If the person who doesn't want to be photographed is sitting in the middle of the group, it's pretty difficult to take a group photo isn't it?
It's also very sad when a relative dies and you realise you have no photos of them (also happens if they were the one always taking the photos).

Having a videographer is something a couple plan and decide I find it quite amazing that a friend has decided this and “surprised” you , it is invasive and not everyone thinks it’s an amazing thing , it’s a bit like the obsession with smart phones everyone missing the moment to video and photograph instead of really being present, and the option of all your friends to be able to select a personal present to you also taken away is sad. The comments have shown that not everyone understands your point of view because THEY wouldn’t mind , but you clearly do and as importantly your new husband also minds. I just don’t think it was her decision to make , I do agree it wasn’t done maliciously how ever it still has an impact. Some people are bossy and controlling and bulldoze people into thinking something is the right thing to do but there was no concept of the fact it’s very intrusive having a camera pointed at you through out a very important event , it’s very emotional and a really big deal in your lives so no I’d feel the same and I’d be upset about it. Whether you ever tell her is up to you as it will also then upset her. I just think sometimes people need to understand what they think is the best thing ever may well be the worst thing ever for someone else and that’s ok they are entitled to feel how ever they feel , put it aside and enjoy being married x any future events just put a very clear message out there ! No recordings please !!! All the best

as the "do not photograph me" person, if its not my party, I keep an eye open for cameras and people who are setting up to photograph and I move away. I am used to doing it and don't find it stressful. If its my party I make it clear that photographs are not wanted.. Its not the right of the surviving family to have photos of their deceased relatives. I wouldn't agree to be photographed simply for the convenience of my descendants.

I disagree, I don’t need photos of my relative s that have died to remember them.

My sister died last year, I can see her clearly in my mind, I remember her often.

Photos serve no real purpose to me, I have none on display, I don’t like having my photo taken.

How on earth did she rope in family and friends without someone knowing you hadn’t booked one because you didn’t want one? Surely someone amongst them would have doubted why you hadn’t organised your own choice of videographer - and thought to check in with you?
Does she often steamroller other people to get her own way?
I'm so sorry she did this and I really feel you need to let her know she totally overstepped the mark, at the very least so that she can learn from it