Unwanted videographer at my wedding

[banjomonkey]

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

Hi

I totally get where you’re coming from.

I am a videographer and I don’t like being filmed.

We had a videographer at our wedding and she were lucky that she didn’t get in the way too much.

As the previous comment said. Put in a drawer and write it off the entire experience. It sounds like you had a wonderful day and as best you can try to focus those happier moments. I know it’s hard.

We will most likely never watch our video for decades. It’s not really that important to us now …What is important.. is that…It’s a record of the day for our children and theirs hopefully one day. It’s a record of your family history.

My Grandmother, my father in law and other relatives and fiends have passed. It’s the only video footage I have of most of them and it’s a nice record for our family.

Your friends were trying to do their best and it was a bad call, but good will come of it… down the road .. especially for your family in the future.

In Ireland our Irish film institute actively sought copies of weddings, funerals and birthday parties from all over the country for the past 100 years.

Look after yourself

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. what I would say, however, is I really didn’t want a videographer at my wedding either - I am not comfortable in front of a camera either - I had a photographer who ignored my wishes and that did p me off! However. One friend did video my walking down the aisle and afterwards it made me wish that I did have a videographer. Especially as one of my guests has since passed. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it now. My advice to you would be to let it go. She meant well. She misread the situation. Keep the happy memories of your day and shake off anything else. Put it in to perspective x

Full disclosure- this was a long time ago and the marriage lasted only five years- but a similar thing happened to me. I’d taken time to record a nice selection of classical music that would suit the historic venue, with the agreement of HTB. The CD was ‘lost’ by the best man at some point on wedding morning- when the groom, best man and video man were all drinking pints in the hotel bar.
So, silence as we walked in.. the video man then proceeded to hijack the wedding on behalf of the groom. He ‘interviewed’ mostly the groom’s friends, ignored my friends, then dubbed 100% banging northern soul onto the wedding video.
We were sent copies of this thing- I watched it once in some discomfort and then drawered it, for years. Years later I watched it prior to binning it, when clearing out. I consider that the overall ‘hijacking’ of the character of our wedding by one person pretty much echoed how the relationship went! Or was a precursor for it. I have every sympathy for you. But as long as it is all ok with you and husband, that is the main thing. You may need to discuss and vent.

1. The videographer was intrusive only because you allowed him to be. I'm sure there were many people "skittering around" in your eyeline throughtout the day, but you chose to focus on the videographer.
2. If you didn't want him there you could have dismissed him, or sent a best man/maid of honour/parent to do so.
3. Yes, you will be glad you have this film in 10/20/30… years' time (assuming you are still married).
4. In your own words, you told your friend you "weren't having" a videographer, not that you didn't want one. Huge difference. She tried to do a nice thing for you based on the enjoyment she got out of her own wedding video. Your friend is a thoughtful person, not a dick.
5. There's an important concept in life called "go with the flow" that would have been wise to apply to your wedding situation.

I haven't read all the posts but I would say try not to be too upset about it. Your friend will have meant well and it's not the end of the world.
If you don't want to watch it don't watch it but I would throw it away as you might feel different decades down the line and be grateful you have it

A friend of mine had a similar experience, years ago, but she was glad seven years later that she had that video. There's probably something on that Wedding video that you might be very interested to see in a few years' time.

I think that’s the best way to think about this. What a lovely way to say it x

I've said not unreasonable, but only because what she did was quite rude. I think you are being a drama llama over it. Your time to be assertive was at the wedding. You could have asked the maid of honour to deal with it. Now it's happened you'll have to be gracious as you would with any gift you don't like. But if anyone outright asks you if you love the video just say "the truth is we found it intrusive and haven't watched it".

I haven’t read the comments but want to say I totally understand your feelings about the situation.

we did have a video and as soon as I watched it that became my memories of the day ( ie someone else’s view of our marriage not my own memories ) which was very sad

I only watched it once

Speak to your friend! If someone does something that upsets you and you can't tell them that they've upset you, that is not a meaningful or authentic relationship!

And you clearly have zero empathy. Thats something you should begin working on.

Don't accept a copy of the video. Or just bin it. Don't watch it and try to forget it was part of your day.

Late to this thread, but the majority of people I know aren't mega keen on their photo being taken. I don't think it's strange at all!

Imagine how dramatic you'd be if an actual problem happened!

I totally get where you’re coming from. We put it on our invites that we didn’t want anyone to make
any videos of the wedding and that we would find it intrusive and would ruin our day. Then our sister in law kept badgering us to have a videographer because of how much she loved hers (she’s now divorced so I guess the video may be less popular now ;-)) We also had an aunt and uncle that were stunned we didn’t want to capture every moment!!
I’m sorry your friend did this to you, but she did it from a place of love and you need to accept that it’s done now and get over it. Your friendship is hopefully worth more than poor communication and an unwanted gift.

Dear Banjomonkey
You are perfectly allowed to feel upset and distressed by having your wedding videoed without having your consent first. My hubby and I felt the same way and didn't video it either. We would have felt mortified if a videoographer had turned up unexpectedly as you did.
I feel your pain especially as you missed out on wedding gifts too.
Your friend probably had good intentions.
Its really a case of how do you recover from this so you can look back with joy on your special day.
Im sure time will help but maybe there is just one person who has your back you can let off steam with?
Everything happens for a reason in life and there may be a reason for this video you will be glad of one day in the future.
You could write an imaginary letter to your friend expressing your feelings. Then throw it away.
Otherwise you might carry this resentment forever which is a shame.

I think you’re overreacting OP. I understand why you’re annoyed but you’re fixating on something that doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of getting married to the love of your life. My husband and I really didn’t want a slow first dance (which we’d told the DJ) so I selected two upbeat and happy songs to start the night. The DJ played the first one, then put on an awful slow love ballad that I hate and we had to grin and bear it as everyone was watching us and clapping, taking photos/videos. (If I could go back in time I would have stood still and told him to immediately change it to the song I’d paid him to play but like yourself, I was surprised and there was so much going on) but I haven’t obsessed over it since the wedding. Someone put a video of us onto social media and I thanked them and hide it so I never have to hear that crappy song again. Weddings aren’t perfect. It’s the imperfections you laugh about later. I agree your friend shouldn’t have done it, but have a moan on here and then put it out if your mind. Don’t let it ruin a good friendship or taint the memory of what otherwise was such a special day in your life.

When we got married 30 years ago we were adamant we did not want videos. All our friends and family knew this, except, some friends from overseas came who didn't get the message and took video.

On the day I was furious. Over the following years it became a joke. Now 30 years later the video is precious. It captures the raw emotions of the day, family members and friends who have since died and I can't believe we were so young slim and good looking .

I would say don't delete it. For now it can be funny anecdote about your wedding and open it again in 30 years. I'm certain you won't be sad.

Dont gaslight OP into thinking she is beign unreasonable. She would have preferred presents instead of a shitty video she never wanted.

Completely get that the thought of watching yourself on video can be unsettling (I’m the same, and I hate hearing my own voice!) I would recommend setting the video away somewhere so you and your husband can maybe watch it YEARS later and think, “I don’t remember being this smokin’ hot that day, but the camera never lies…!”

If you and your husband both felt this way about a videographer, surely you would have spoken about it after the ceremony and one of you could have said something to the videographer? I’m unsure how you think it was rude to have specifically said you didn’t want one. In no way is it rude to express what you want for your own wedding, obviously if you use a disgusted tone of voice when being asked about it then that could seem offensive, but if you had merely said “a videographer is just not what we want as part of our day” all of this surely could have been avoided. But for those who are thinking a friendship should be ended over that is ridiculous, she’s done it out of kindness it seems and realistically nothing can be done about it now. If you need someone to vent to, maybe just choose people who aren’t the ones who contributed to the gift to talk to about it rather than hold it all in and remain sour over something you probably could have prevented after you first noticed it 😕 hopefully for everyone involved’s sake, it won’t ruin a good friendship over something that hasn’t been done with ill intent.

years back when I was getting married (not in the UK) I told my British FiL to be that filming weddings was illegal. I so didn't want to filmed.

I didn't mind people taking candid pictures but the photographer overstepped the mark and took a load of pictures "that every bride loves" which I had no interest in. I think we bought about 6 of his photos in total - not the huge volume he obviously expected.

So none pf your friends ever knew you hate being photographed or filmed? And the friend kept talking about her videographer and you just went with "oh, how lovely." Given your strong feelings?

I’d be so mad if I were you! It’s like someone saying I loved roses in my centrepieces and you saying I’m not having roses. Then they go and organise roses for your centrepieces. this woman had no business organizing anything for your wedding, however good her intentions were.
i think you should be honest with her. 1) you’re worried to upset her while she upset you on such an important day 2) she seems to have no self awareness and will hopefully teach her to be more mindful in the future.

He was in her eyeline while she was making her vows FFS!