Unwanted videographer at my wedding

[banjomonkey]

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

“Like a grass seed in your bra”
spot on analogy 👌

I think your friend was really out of line, and the other friends who chipped in, surely one of them could’ve tipped you off to check this was what you actually wanted? I’m surprised the videographer went along with her without wanting to speak to you first, seems quite unprofessional.

I too would have hated a videographer at my wedding! I wouldn’t pretend to your friends that you’re happy with the ‘gift’ I’d just say something like ‘if I’d wanted a videographer I would have hired one, I didn’t say anything on the day but it made me quite uncomfortable actually’ maybe make them think in future.

So what’s the answer?

Destroy the recording?

Cut the friend out of your life?

Insist the friend pays for a re-run of the whole day without video recording spoiling the proceedings?

I think the OP needs to decide her answer herself. I also think that people who think its that easily smoothed over and that she will love it one day are mistaken.

I would say let the friend and videographer know it was out of line so it doesn't happen again in the future.

If she pretends to love it he could be there as a surprise at the birth of her first child!

Or just getting paid to ruin other people's weddings.

And it's not for you to diminish the OP's feelings

Photos will suffice for that

Lots of people hate being photographed. It's not strange at all.

Oh how have we managed without them for at least a century?

Oh bless you, OP, how absolutely awful.

I'm with you and your husband, I HATE being photographed at the best of times, as for videos...I just can't even...

Idk how old you are. My younger cousins (20s) who've grown up with SM don't have an issue with it, but I'm in my 40s and it makes me seriously uncomfortable. I know plenty of people who feel the same way, how horribly presumptuous of your friend.

Sadly I don't think there's anything to be done now. you mention all the time you spent organising your wedding and how well everything went, so just try and focus on remembering all those lovely things about your day...and hopefully in time video-gate will fade into nothing.

actually there is stuff the OP can do. They can get the videographer's contact details from the friend and require him to delete the footage. They can talk to the friend saying that they know that the friend meant well but its honestly not something that the OP wants or wants to be in existence. they can cover it if they wish to by making the "its not you, its me" speech....but yeah the damaged day cannot be recalled and remade undamaged. I suspect that the friendship too might have run its course. It does occur to me to wonder how much of a 'friend" this friend is or how much of Queen Bee she is....not simply because of the massively overreaching gift but because she was able to get so many other people to chip in on it.

oh that's easy "If you do this I will kill you" should fix it

yeah and remember the shit friend who ruined it for you....won't that be lovely?

We got invited to one of those parties and made our excuses, the people who did go said it was excruciatingly boring, they were expecting food and drinks and a party and a few select bits of the video but instead were sat down in front of the TV for an hour watching the event we’d all attended a few weeks before 🤣

I want the laugh reaction back. When video cameras weighed six tons, it did used to be a thing because it was so expensive....and yes viewing parties...and no I didn't have it at my wedding (I predate video) and no I never went to a viewing party

How and when were you informed and by who that it was your friend(s) who had arranged for this and how did you react then?

Cant help but think your friend was pitying you in thinking that you couldn’t afford it and has openly disrespected you both by instigating this behind your back (could she be secretly jealous of your happiness?) as can’t see why she would think it was a good idea to take over like that if she wasn’t underhandedly trying to hurt you.

When new formats are introduced there are usually ways to convert old formats, one just has to ‘keep up’ converting anything important.

There are but a) you need to remember to keep doing it rather than chuck the USB in a box and forget about it for 20 years and b) I'm not sure it will be so easy with digital formats.

I have word documents from about 10 years ago that I'd like to read but my current software won't let me. I think I'd have to find someone who hasn't updated their software in that time. At least with a printed photo you'll always be able to access it even if the quality deteriorates.

Have you tried asking someone with an Apple Mac? Pages is a lot more flexible about formats than Word is.

OP posted in AIBU, presumably because they wanted other people's opinions on whether or not they are being unreasonable.

You can disagree with her without telling her she's being ridiculous

It is not great at all. I would have hated it, and I really don't get this creeping obsession with photographing and recording every second of events in our lives. Realistically all you need from a wedding is a few formal snaps of you and the guests. That is all you and anybody else will ever look at after the first few weeks. However your friend, and those she got to join in, really thought they were doing something lovely for you. I am guessing, given that you have just got married, that you are in your 20s or early 30s. Take this as an early hurdle and learning experience. In life you can let events control you, or you can control events, at least how you react to them. If you dwell on how hurt you are and how it 'destroyed' your wedding there will be toxic ramifications rolling out from it for years to come, much worse and more unpleasant than having somebody in your bobbing in your eyeline. Or you can make the huge mental and emotional effort (and I am not underestimating how infuriating this would have been) to tell yourself another story about it. A laughable misunderstanding which you took in good part, perhaps in years to come you even may be able to have this chat with your friend. You can get it out of your system by writing it down (perhaps you have already done this here) then use phrases to yourself like 'My friends! what are they like! Oh well, it was a lovely day' etc etc.

My husband and I are the same. We hate having photos taken and we definitely didn't a video. However, a friend of my parents decided to video the event after we'd expressly told them not to. You can see my husband to be standing at the top of the aisle mouthing expletives.
I watched it once and now remember the humiliating speech my father made. If I hadn't watched it, I might not have remembered it. My husband refused to watch it. That was 25 years ago. I still hate that my wishes were ignored.
She couldn't have been a very good friend.

My OH is a wedding videographer and has been for many years.

I find this whole situation very strange, any professional videographer would not even entertain the idea without speaking to the bride and groom first. For a start they need to know all the timings and details of the day, even down to who to film and who not to (trust me there's more than one family member or bridesmaid who won't make the cut), the rules the venue or church may have and so much more. Several meetings happen between my OH and his couples ahead of a wedding.

Not to mention a decent videographer costs thousands.

I would quite simply tell the videographer that they do not have your permission to film and therefore anything that was captured was against your wishes and cannot be used. It's unlikely they will mind as they have been paid regardless.

If they've already edited the video, and if they are good at what they do, maybe watch it when/if you feel comfortable.

It's a bit crap that she didn't ask you first. But I think she was only trying to do something nice.
In a few years time, if you ever decide to have kids, I think they would one day like to watch the video, as my children did.

Your friend didn't just cross a line she stomped all over it.Thats a serious overstepping a boundary
I'd be inclined to tell her.