Unwanted videographer at my wedding

[banjomonkey]

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

A bit off piste but one of our treasured wedding presents was from a lady we worked with. We think the gift was probably a bingo prize (she was a bingo fiend!) but she was lovely and gave us something she was sure we would use. Interestingly, those cheap, bingo prize, steak knives have been with us for 48 years and we still think of her when we use them.

To be fair, if you go to a wedding or work at one, you expect that you might end up in a photo or video, even in the background. I always assumed there would be a photographer at the very least when I was playing or singing.
This situation is very different. The two people saying their names and being the main focus of that video didn't give consent in advance and it doesn't sound as though @banjomonkey would be keen on giving it retrospectively.

FFS its his choice!

Nah, therapy can't fix stupid

"Find a way to make lemonade. Watch the video on your one month anniversary, watch it on your one year anniversary, and so on. Watch it with your children when they come and are of age. One day you may be very glad that you have that video!"

yup @SabreIsMyFave ....youbthink you have seen aaaaaaaaall the batshit and then you find you haven't

Can you read?? OP stated clearly that she was having photos, it's a video she didn't want. The clue is sort of in the word 'videographer'. Or were you in such a hurry to start the sneering that you missed the actual relevant details.

Another poster who seems incapable of understanding anyone who isn't exactly like them. Your post contains some ridiculous leaps.

The ‘friend’ massively overstepped and gave an unwanted gift - even worse she misrepresented the OPs position by persuading others to collude in giving an unwanted gift. It’s appalling and I totally understand why the OP is upset

It is unlikely that the digital format created by this videographer will be in existence by the time children/grandchildren are even interested in it. I can’t believe how many people are trying to put such a positive spin on a considerable overreach and invasion of privacy

I don’t think you were unreasonable to accept that it was happening on the day - you were keeping things smooth and being sure not to upset your guests. It is all a bit unfortunate.

i also chose not to have a videographer at my wedding which was fine but… the day was so intense that I forgot large parts of it and I now feel it would be nice to see certain people who have now passed away. In particulier, I can’t remember my dad’s speech but people occasionally mention how funny it was. Dad developed early onset dementia, and since he died, I really wish I had a video of his speech.

I hope that at some point, you discover a reason to value having the video, and perhaps can reframe it then as being a gift that you wouldn’t have chosen but which worked out to be wonderful in the long run.

Your friends all meant well and love you, and that’s the best thing to hold onto in the meantime. Congratulations on your wedding!

Get a life

We recently managed to watch some home videos that were recorded onto VHS in the early 1990s. I imagine digital files will last longer.

How do you leave the house, knowing that you're on camera virtually everywhere?

This is a wedding video that's never going to see the light of day. It can't be un-filmed. It's literally a non-issue unless OP is determined to let it ruin the happiest day of her life.

...is this meant to be a joke?

If not...fucking hell 😂

Yes he can. He doesn't like it, but agreed to have a photographer.

And I don't get how you think someone not liking having their photo taken affects others.

Did you miss the bit where the videographer was in the way all the way through the wedding, spoiling the moment?

Cameras in shops and streets are unobtrusive to the point of invisibility.

Basically the friend inserted herself and her preferences into someone else's wedding. Which is just bizarre.

The bride and groom of any wedding, put a lot of thought into what they want, from the venue to the name cards on the tables. It's incredibly arrogant to add one's own choice into someone's wedding without discussion or even letting them know it would happen.

The friend's behaviour was quite astonishing and I'm surprised that there are people defending her.

This happened to me! I had similar thoughts / feelings to you and had chosen a photographer for their sensitivity.

DH’s friend wished to be an unofficial videographer and asked DH on the day, DH acquiesced. I felt like you about it, just got on with the day.

Been married over 20 years and I’ve not (yet) watched the video.

I can’t believe she did that. I’d never plan a big surprise at a wedding, the couple will have planned what they wanted. So sorry this happened to you. I hope with time you can turn it into a cheeky fucker anecdote so it hurts less.

But it wasn't the happiest day if her life on account of the bloody videographer

Your wedding- your way.

Did you tell her you didn’t want a videographer? If so she is being unreasonable.

If you just told her you weren’t having one, perhaps she thought that you didn’t have the budget for one and thought she would surprise you with a nice present.

Everyone is different but most people getting married love to have a record of it.

When my GPs got married in the 50s, my Great Uncle did an 8mm film of them coming out of the church. It’s got no sound and is only a few minutes long but it’s a real family treasure.

Maybe just thank her, put the video away in a drawer and forget about it perhaps in decades it will be something to treasure. You may feel differently about it one day and be glad of it?

its not going to do this videographer's local rep much good though is it... doing something so personal without the protagonists' agreement? and yes parents do organise some weddings but with the agreement of the bride and groom....if they don't know every detail its because they have agreed with the organiser(s) not to know every detail and not because some batshit friend has muscled in.

😆 slightly off main topic, but this takes me back to the time the doorbell rang one late Sunday afternoon about 10 years ago, My DH and I were finishing off weekly housework type things before the working week began and a roast was cooking in the oven. I answered the door and our next door neighbour (the husband of an older couple) was standing there. He just said really forcefully and enthusiastically “Come on, come over and see the slides of our holiday!”. I just stood there a bit surprised at first. We hadn’t prearranged it, my husband wouldn’t have agreed to it (even the notion!). We hadn’t discussed or expressed and interest in their holiday. They had told us in passing that they were off on holiday soon and that indeed it was an all inclusive somewhere which cropped up in the chit chat. I just said, I’m sorry “Neighbour” but we’re in the middle of cleaning the house and cooking a roast.so maybe another time. The neighbour just stood there for what seemed an age staring at me in silence and disbelief. I ended up saying “I’ll let you get on” and slowly shutting door while he stood there. My husband was so relieved I hadn’t said yes and no he hadn’t discussed it with them before. It was never mentioned again. Incidentally we’re not close to these neighbours and have really nothing in common with them at all. No other neighbours were invited so it was all a bit odd. Just to clarify, we say hi to them when we see them but nothing more than short polite chats.

all these "put it away, smooth it over, you may treasure it later" merchants...can you none of you see that it will be a reminder of a great day gone wrong because of what someone did? I am sure many people besides me have incidents in their past that are still annoying? You may have forgiven the person concerned, its rare for you to even think about it but if it ever comes up, the irritation is still there like a grass seed in your bra....you can acknowledge that its irrational but feelings are feelings.

dodged a bullet there then!

When new formats are introduced there are usually ways to convert old formats, one just has to ‘keep up’ converting anything important.