Unwanted videographer at my wedding

[banjomonkey]

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

What a ridiculous response. Many people hate being photographed. It's nobody's business but theirs.

I think people who fail to have any grasp that not everyone thinks like them need to have therapy.

"Many people hate being photographed. It's nobody's business but theirs."

It affects other people though.
Also, they should consider therapy for their own good.

Here you are. AI explains it better than I can:

Wedding videographers must be cognizant of several key aspects of the Data Protection Act 2018 (DPA 2018) as they handle personal data during weddings. Here are the main points to consider:
Key Principles of Data Protection
The DPA 2018 is grounded in several essential principles outlined in the UK GDPR, which wedding videographers must adhere to when processing personal data:

1. Lawfulness, Fairness, and Transparency: Personal data must be processed legally and transparently, meaning videographers should inform clients about how their data (videos) will be used.
2. Purpose Limitation: Data collected must only be for specified, legitimate purposes and must not be processed in a manner incompatible with those purposes.
3. Data Minimization: Only collect data necessary for the stated purpose. For wedding videography, this means filming and storing footage relevant to what was agreed upon with clients.
4. Accuracy: Personal data should be accurate and kept up to date. This applies to capturing names and details during interviews or conversations at weddings.
5. Storage Limitation: Personal data should not be kept for longer than necessary. For example, videographers should have a policy for how long footage is retained after a wedding.
6. Integrity and Confidentiality: Adequate security measures must be in place to protect personal data from unauthorized access or breaches.

Personal Data and Consent

• Personal Data Definition: The Act defines personal data as any information that relates to an identified or identifiable individual. For videographers, this includes not just names but also video footage that identifies individuals.
• Obtaining Consent: Videographers should obtain clear consent from individuals being filmed, especially if the video will be shared publicly (e.g., social media). A robust consent form outlining how the footage will be used can help ensure compliance
• 2
• .
• Special Category Data: If filming sensitive data (e.g., religious ceremonies, special events), additional protections may be necessary, and explicit consent is required to process this data
• 2
• .

Rights of Individuals Under the DPA 2018, individuals have several rights regarding their personal data, which videographers must respect:

• Right to Access: Individuals can request access to their personal data. Videographers need a system to manage such requests.
• Right to Erasure: Individuals have the right to request deletion of their data. There should be a clear policy on how this is handled
• 2
• .
• Right to Object: Individuals can object to processing their data for certain purposes, including marketing or if they do not feel comfortable appearing in promotional materials.

Therapy! How ridiculous

Some of the posts on here are more unhinged than the CF friend in question

Really inappropriate to arrange something like this without your consent. I think it’s a common mistake of people assuming that their preferences are the other people’s preferences. The lady who’s mum painted her a lounge an awful colour while she was in having her baby in hospital as a surprise springs to mind. Some people genuinely believe that their tastes and preferences are “right” and can’t seem to entertain the possibility that anyone could like or want anything different to them.

Try not to dwell on it and let it become the focus of your memories of your special day. A wedding doesn’t actually matter, what matters is marrying the right person. My MIL videoed our wedding, with our permission. I’ve never watched the tape. And given that it’s old enough to actually be a tape, I’m not sure how I would watch it now. Maybe my kids will find it one day and be pleased to have the opportunity to watch it.

Weird reaction? Is this a sham marriage? Do you have other partners? The guests will have been videoing with their mobile phones so why you’re bothered about professional photos is strange. If it’s some sort of anxiety maybe you shouldn’t of put on a show and eloped

It doesn't affect anyone else.

So we go from the friend offering a badly-thought present, to a CF who only wanted to ruin the wedding, destroy the bride's life and pocket the money herself.

It did take a few pages to get there at least!

Who among us can honestly say that we've never arranged for a videographer or photographer to surprise the bride and groom at the altar on their wedding day?

Every single person with a basic grasp of "appropriateness", I'd expect...

I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that.

I'd love to have heard the conversations, because this sentence doesn't mean it was a actual decision not to have one...

Completely different as saying " I chose/ prefer/ decided not to have one, the photographer is what I wanted".

Obviously it wasn't obvious someone would pay for one as a present, but it doesn't sound as "bitchy" as posters want to make it.

": Videographers should obtain clear consent from individuals being filmed"

In what wedding, ever, is every guest asked their consent to be filmed.
The following part was about the video being shared on social media, which it presumably would not be.

It obviously does.

Yes, that is a rational explanation for what is a thoroughly bizarre situation.

I don’t get this. I didn’t want a videographer for my wedding. Why do I need therapy?

You probably don't, but OP's groom can't handle even being photographed.

I'm trying to work out whether you are being serious here: to say that people who dont like being photographed need therapy is nothing short of ridiculous.

How on earth does not liking to have your photo taken affect other people? You make it sound as though having your photo taken is a moral duty!

Surely it's the people who obsessively take selfies and spoil every moment by photographing it rather than enjoying it are the ones with the mental health problems?

??? Eh?

I would have hated having a video taken of our wedding. I'm very self conscious, and would have been hyper aware of it all day.

This. ^ Batshit comments from @Gwenhwyfar

Interesting. I wonder what is going on for you @Gwenhwyfar that you are trying so hard to argue against the Op and those of us who are empathising with her.

My goodness.

Even if you personally are entirely comfortable being photographed or filmed, surely you're aware that camera-shyness is very common. Most polls/studies find that a sizeable majority of people experience it to some degree.

It is also very common for camera shy people to more comfortably tolerate posed photographs than they do candid ones or being constantly filmed. A posed photo can mean a fleeting moment of self-consciousness (that you can manage your appearance for), but a videographer buzzing around all day (alternating between being up-in-your-face and candid "documentarian" stuff) is likely to leave most camera shy people stressed and anxious, particularly where they're the "star" of the show.

To spring this on someone, unannounced, on what is meant to be the happiest day of someone's life (and, usually, one that is meticulously planned to be enjoyable for the bride and groom) is incredibly thoughtless and rude and would cause a lot of people to feel distracted, on-edge an anxious.

While its great, for you, that you don't seem to experience any of these very common hangups, your posts demonstrate a remarkable level of self-absorption and a deficiency in empathy.

I remember being very young and going to some random person's house with a whole heap of people including the church choir to watch a wedding video.
I have a feeling, @banjomonkey that your pal will spring a watch party on you. She has the comms with the videographer so will probably be getting the final version. Something needs to be said to stop it from turning into a complete circus.

This is the kind of person who would take your dc to have their ears pierced without your knowledge and expect you to be delighted.

I would get the MOH or your DM to speak to this woman and tell her that you didn't want to hurt her feelings but MOH/DM feels they need to let her know how upsetting it was to have the wedding filmed when you said you weren't having a videographer. She needs to know that this is not something to spring on someone without warning, hopefully there weren't any cared for children there but she didn't even check with a family member to make sure this wasn't an issue. Plus the unprofessional videographer who didn't have the consent of the B&G.

Tell her quickly before the editing takes place so they might be able to recover some of the money.

I'd add, too, that while I'd have little-to-no interest in watching a video of my own wedding, I do take joy from various of the thoughtful wedding gifts we received that are dotted around the house.

That this pig-headed videographer surprise came at the expense of things the OP may actually have cherished is a real shame.

I’m shocked at the amount of people excusing her behaviour. If you’d have said ‘I desperately want one but can’t afford it’ AND she paid herself that would be fine. But to make your guests pay for it and decide that SHE knows better for YOUR wedding is utterly batshit. It’s such a personal thing, I also can’t believe the videographer would agree to it without speaking to the couple. It’s so intrusive. The fact he took you out of the moment by being in your eyeline is really sad, you can’t get those moments back.