Unwanted videographer at my wedding

[banjomonkey]

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

Neither are you!

nope but I belive in choice and don't say that people need therapy for exercising that choice.

Your friend missed the mark but I don’t think she necessarily did anything wrong. Your reaction is over the top. Maybe next time someone raves about something you should speak your mind - why do you consider this to be rude? You weren’t giving a negative opinion about her wedding by saying ‘love that for you, but honestly Dave and I have chosen not to have one’! Can’t imagine not having an honest (normal!) conversation like that with my friends. And clearly no one knows about your complete phobia or your closest friends would have said - videography is not something I think she’ll like.

Totally over the top reaction.

Your friend is an interfering dickhead

i would not be happy

so instead of money towards a honeymoon, your friends have donated to a video you didnt want

"nope but I belive in choice and don't say that people need therapy for exercising that choice."

It's more than just a choice not to have a video this time. The groom never likes having his photo taken. This will affect his family all along their lives.

Personally I feel you’re being precious. Your friend meant well, let it go.

If it is at a private event where the op has a reasonable expectation of privacy, and the videographer is making money from op’s images without consent, they may be on dodgy ground with the data protection act 2018.

Me too. I’d have been furious. You have my complete sympathies. I hate having my photo taken and tend to do the uncomfortable, ugly face whenever anyone does. I hate looking at photos other people have taken of me. At my wedding, a very small affair abroad, I reluctantly had a photographer, a bit like you we asked him to stay in the background and not be in our faces. My DH and I looked at the photos when we got back and I hated every single one and wish we hadn’t bothered. He wasn’t impressed either. They’re on a disc somewhere in a drawer I think, we never looked at them again and don’t want to. That was 15 years ago. Our wedding was wonderful and my memories of it more than enough. I’d have lost my shit in your position. A friend who didn’t check something like this with the bride and groom before arranging it is thinking more about herself and her preferences than yours. Weddings aren’t cheap and are supposed to be that one special day, having a videographer is a personal choice and certainly not everyone’s preference. She has intruded on your special day and totally overstepped inflicting her preference on you tbh.

Someone upthread wondered whether there was something fishy in the arrangement. Now I’m wondering whether the videographer was a friend of a friend who benefited from the arrangement.

Also, at no time did videographer converse with op, and give op their details which it s a bit suspicious.

Finally, , I’ve been looking at video prices £1000-£ 1500 seems standard but it can be double that. That’s alot of money wasted.

I would have absolutely stopped it, but I understand why OP felt she couldn’t.

Is the videographer making money out of it? I presume he/she was paid for their services so do not need to make extra money.
A private event in a hotel or something is still in public isn't it? And people can film when they're in public.

This is typical of someone trying to push their own wants and needs (usually to be glorified by others) onto someone else and dressing it up as generosity and kindness.
It drives me absolutely mad. I’d feel exactly the same as you OP, regardless whether it was a videographer or a bloody trapeze artist. It wasn’t for your benefit at all. I’m so sorry your wedding day was spoiled. I have no advice but your feelings are 100% valid imo.

Well you could throw away the video, shout at and lose a friend and stew about the waste of money. Alternatively you could accept your friend meant well, forget about the money (you aren’t going to get it back) and let it go.
My sister had her wedding videoed without her consent when she watched the video she actually loved it, seeing little details she had missed, sweet things people had said, funny things guests had done and lovely memories of people who are no longer with us.
You are currently causing yourself a huge amount of unnecessary pain to no useful end.

@banjomonkey I totally understand. When I got married I wanted to carry with me my imagined fairytale as I 'glided' down the aisle... NOT the reality of me being clumpy and awkward, or grining inanely, or crying snottily.

I'd IMMEDIATELY tell the vidoegrapher that you didn't commision their work, that you do not give them any permission to share it or show it (nor to share it with the person who organised it, nor to put it anywhere on their own website). Tell them that it was Without Your Permission, and that you will report them to GDPR if they share it, with anyone.

If your organising friend, or any others who contributed, ask about it, tell them that it wasn't part of your plan - sorry.

Well, this guy turned up and videoed a wedding without the Bride or Groom's consent and presumably made money out of his actions by charging her friend for his services and product. So he made money without the subjects’ consent.

Find a way to make lemonade. Watch the video on your one month anniversary, watch it on your one year anniversary, and so on. Watch it with your children when they come and are of age. One day you may be very glad that you have that video!

OP, I completely understand how you feel. Not exactly the same scenario but…..

Videos weren’t a thing when I got married and the agreement with the Vicar was no cameras past the church door, which my husband and I were in agreement with. We have a lovely professional photo of us leaving the church, taken in the porch, but there were none in the church. The Vicar himself audio recorded the service and we listened to that a few times (mainly for the music).

However, one of my father’s friends took it upon himself to ‘anonymously’ pay the bill for the church, organist and choir. I’m sure it was meant kindly but it still, after 48 years, annoys me. I/we would have preferred a ‘proper’ present from him and his wife, and to have paid for our wedding ourselves. I don’t know if he didn’t realise it would be obvious to us it was him by the fact that he knew the Vicar and he and his wife didn’t give us a regular present.

We still have presents we use which we treasure and remember the givers kindly. This non-gift and taking some of our ownership of our day away still niggles. In theory we couldn’t even thank him.

I can’t advise you but I wanted to say not to feel the people saying you are over dramatic, should put it behind you, etc. etc. are right. Only you know your feelings and maybe you will calm them in time, maybe not.

In the meantime, have a wonderful marriage and remember that’s the important thing, the wedding is ‘just’ a day, albeit an important one, but the main thing is the marriage.

Alternatively OP could politely explain she didn’t ask for the film, didn’t want it, and have it deleted. No need to lose a friend, if anything friend should apologise.

I don’t know what the right thing to do in this situation but just wanted to say your feelings about photos & videos aren’t that weird!

Our wedding is in September and we brought our legal ceremony forward to February just been due to personal circumstances. For both, we had/will have candid photographers because we don’t like having our photos taken! We’ve got friends that are getting married before us who kindly kept offering to film our wedding for us or to link us up with their videographer - it’s so kind they care but we’re just not those people.

Also, you need to speak to your friend and tell her that you need to see the video before anyone else does (including her, so she cannot share it). Therefore you need the details of the videographer.

Then you embarago the whole thing. If she asks, you say you weren't happy with it, or your dh wasn't happy with it. Or that it included pictures of [distant family] children who couldn't be identified....

I think you should tell your friend it was a gift you never wanted and while you appreciate the gesture she got it wrong. Say you feel she needs to know it was overstepping as you are concerned she may do the same to someone else.

Because she will do it to someone else OP, from her perspective she had a videographer she loved and will be thinking you did too!

It’s got ‘dodgy as fuck’ written all over it, in other words? I can see your point.

That was me. I am wondering if the OP's friend got a cut of the money all these friends chipped in (suspicious mind).

What a ridiculous comment. Many people don't like being photographed and it's no one's business but theirs.

Everyone in the video is the 'subject'. If you're talking about the law around filming, it's no worse to film the bride and groom than to film anyone else present at the wedding, isn't it?
I do think it's a bit odd to hire someone without the bride and groom's permission, but I doubt there is a law that everything needs to be done by the bride and groom. There are still weddings organised by the bride's parents.