Unwanted videographer at my wedding

[banjomonkey]

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

It was an unwanted guest at the wedding, and tarnished op’s day.

Absolutely agree with this! It obviously won't be an easy conversation, but if you're so upset that she did this without asking, then I really DO think you should tell her so, and 'Octonaut4Life' has worded it perfectly in my opinion.

Yes, I agree, and I did actually wonder whether ‘the friend’ was in fact ‘the mil’, but op had changed some details.

I suppose part of my feelings is that I can't say anything to her without upsetting her, and I really don't want to upset her because she is great.

Yes she probably is a lovely friend OP, but she got this wrong. She wanted the rewards of giving you something that was wonderful for her. She was actually thinking more of herself than truly considering your feelings. It was an error of judgement that’s all, but one which has devastated you and your feelings are valid.
You can’t get away from the fact that they will eventually ask questions about the video. If you truly regard them as good friendss then you must speak your truth from your heart.

You really mustn’t lie about it. The only way for you to be respectful to your friend, is to be honest. No need for bad feelings at all. There’s absolutely no shame in telling the simple truth if and when she asks or any of the others ask about it. You quietly respond with your truth and with no apology for telling the truth -since they asked. Just be your lovely gentle self.
She may be upset with herself when she realises but you can say your bit and still keep her close….and reassure her. Tell her you would never lie to her as you love her as your friend and that hasn’t changed.

Then you can all reflect and come to understand each other’s feelings better and move on together much more happily.
It’s the only way.
Unless you dump them all and replace them with a new set of friends and you sound far too nice to do that.

It isn’t AT ALL!

Imaging the OP was saying that her friend had decided to invite a random stranger as an additional guest and they just turned up, the OP didn’t know them, and sat watching the wedding. I bet everyone on here would think that was outrageous behaviour.

But this is much worse - the random stranger invited by the friend is actually at the fucking altar with the bride and groom!!

And all that is before you add in the unwanted video…

Ignore anyone who says YABU. In your original post, @banjomonkey , you spoke with great clarity and simplicity about not wanting a videographer, and why. You've every right to feel upset, and I'm really not the kind of person who is normally particularly sympathetic to brides or grooms who insist on their wedding being a certain way. In this instance, though, I am totally with you. What you wanted was simplicity and enjoying the moment, and that was taken away from you.

Due to you explaining in your post so eloquently what your wishes were, I've concluded that you're an intelligent, sensitive and sensible person, so I'm sure (and I hope) that you'll come to terms with this, but you've every right to be sad.

We'd have hated this too, OP. It was extremely thoughtless of your friend, regardless of whether it was well intentioned.

I'm also really surprised the videographer didnt even reach out beforehand. I would certainly make my complaint clear to them, if only to spare others in the future.

@banjomonkey

Rather than tackling your friend (who should have listened), I'd tackle the person who did the video, because they really should have known better.

I'd get hold of the videographer's details then contact them to say how unprofessional it was for them to "gate-crash" your wedding, and that in future, even if they're asked and paid by someone else to video a wedding, they need to get permission from the bride and groom beforehand. I'd then go on to say that perhaps they didn't notice the fact that the photographer that YOU hired stayed out of your eye line the entire time, only discretely taking photos, and that having to constantly see the video camera bobbing about was irritating, distracting, and detracted from the enjoyment of the day. I'd then say that although you appreciate his actions can't be undone, you felt the need to email to make sure this doesn't happen again to someone else.

As for your friend, you clearly weren't assertive enough, but I do think a lot of the blame lies here with the videographer who should have asked you, as it was your wedding.

You seem to have the emotional intelligence of a rock.

Er...I didn't say that. I've only made one post on the thread.

Lots of people are saying that you are over-reacting. You are not. I would also have hated that, however I would have also been able to say to the friend that had and enjoyed a videographer at her wedding that I would rather stick pins in my eyes. Just because she enjoyed it, doesn't mean that you should, or that by not wanting that, you are undermining or minimising her enjoyment of it. I think it's a real shame and I would be really upset by this, especially if it was a substitute for actual gifts! Mind you, I was sad when I was given green saucepans for my wedding rather than the blue ones I'd coveted, even though I'd said "either or".....(I got married a long time ago! If I got married now, I wouldn't be asking for bloody saucepans!!!) Don't let it spoil your memories of the day, there are plenty more good memories to be made :)

banjomonkey loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went^^

Keep this this major point in mind and put the rest aside and don’t dwell on other things.

You loved your wedding and you were really happy about how it went.

I’m missing the point completely I know but I also didn’t want/have a videographer at our wedding.. 13 years ago. Desperately regret it now. I asked my DDad to keep his speech (he had it written down) but he forgot and he died 3 years ago and I would cherish a video of him saying nice things about me now.
op you may feel differently at some point in the future about the video of your closest people.

YANBU. Truly thoughtful gifts are about the recipient, not the giver. I'd be pissed off about the wedding, but also the fact that loads of close friends had banded together to give me something that I thought some of them knew I'd hate.

It's ultimately a judgement call for you as to whether you can brush it off or whether you'll feel like a liar with your friends if you don't say something. If you do, just emphasise that you don't want to hold a grudge or lose their friendship, only that you can't pretend you were thrilled to see the videographer. If they're good friends they'll understand.

I feel for you op, especially as they were interrupting you being fully at peace when saying your vows.

I would also address this with the videographer, and if you need to get the number from her, so be it. You can be vague depending on your level of comfort.

You raise a good point about DC being there. Without her knowledge there could well have been children there who should not have been filmed for safeguarding reasons.

“Hi friend, any chance I can get the number for the videographer please?”

”Why? Confidentiality [mumbles] safeguarding”

Then ask videographer to explain his/her consent procedures and ask how they will make amends.

YANBU OP.

I understand what you mean. The photographers (married couple) we had did amazing photos for other couples which was why we chose them and the photos they did for our engagement were just lovely.

But on our wedding day they were so intrusive and even though I'd told them they could go after the wedding breakfast they didn't..they were really in your face and distracting which was what I didn't want. I wanted more natural photos of the day, people enjoying themselves etc.

We had a few famous guests and our wedding (I work in the music industry) and they hassled them non stop taking photos (I'd told the togs not to do that beforehand) and they were a pain in the arse. Even at midnight they were still there snapping away..

The best bit? Our photos were fucking awful, just so bad, there isn't one photo they took that we would want to put in a frame and I don't understand how they could take such beautiful engagement photos and such horrible wedding photos. The only physical photos we have are of us on the day are candid ones the guests took.
I can't even bring myself to look at the shit our togs took.

I’d be furious about this. But I would have stopped it. I’m amazed that you didn’t speak up.

Tell your friend! I can’t imagine a true friend doing that without checking with you. It’s rude, intrusive and overbearing. I’d have been furious. She’s basically taken over part of your wedding unasked - and with something you actively dislike.

What if your friend had fish and chips from a van at her wedding, mentioned it to you and you said No, you’re not having that, you’re having a 3 course gourmet meal - and then as you and your guests are just sitting down to eat, your friend swans in with carrier bags of fish and chips wrapped in newspaper! You’d be horrified, and rightly so. It’s equally justified to be angry about this. It’s not just the videographer, which you dislike on principle, it’s the way she took over your day, and had the gall to make your other friends pay for her idiocy.

Who’d do that?

It will eat away at you and sour things. Tell her. If she’s upset, then that’s her fault for doing something without asking. I’d be pointing out that while she might be upset, she’s not as upset as you and your family.

This is obviously an absolutely bonkers thing to do. But some people cannot comprehend that anyone would think about things differently to them. Your friend thinks that anyone would love a videographer because she did. After the WTF feelings have faded, the best way to make peace with this is to feel lucky that you have friends that would all spend so much money because they want you to have lovely memories.

I am also someone who did not want a photographer at our wedding. We picked the most unobtrusive "documentary style" photographer we could find and she got the balance exactly right. The photos were perfect. I like to think I would have lost my mind if my friends had hired a videographer but I probably would have just had a silent seeth and posted on mumsnet.

That said, I only got married 10 years ago and I would love to see a video now. I know it's 2025 and we've got more photos etc than ever before. But, in the last 10 years we've lost family and one close friend and it turns out that in this situation there isn't such a thing as too many pictures or videos

This post has nothing to do with MILs.

Why are you bringing MILs into it?

Why would MY response have been different?

This doesn’t even make sense 🤔
when did this fundraising start? This must have taken some effort to co-ordinate? How did she have the contact details of family members if she’s a friend? And NOT ONE person told you?
these people are usually booked in advance, so she booked them, did the fundraising well in advance, contacted all these people and no one said a thing even on your day. Yet everyone who knows you, knows about your dislike for videos? Hmmmm

No, I think the first comment was correct. It's not normal to have such a strong reaction to being photographed. It's something that will continue to happen through life and avoiding photos affects other people. I really believe people who can't be photographed need to have therapy.

What consent do they need to film in a public place in the UK?

Not outrageous at all because anyone can walk into a wedding ceremony in a church.

good job you aren't in charge then!