Unwanted videographer at my wedding

[banjomonkey]

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

Which part of having an unwanted camera stuck in her face, meaning she didn't enjoy her wedding in the moment, and now does not have good memories of it, are you not getting?

Yes, be prepared for the guests who put towards the videographer wanting to get together to see the finished film with you @banjomonkey .
I understand how you feel, I would have hated it, but they thought they were doing a nice thing I expect.
If you have children in a few years time, they might ask to see it when they are older, and you might then enjoy rewatching it . Hopefully 😊

This. Although I feel for you OP.

TBH, I would have stopped mid ceremony to ask who the hell he was, and ask him to leave as I didn't request his services. But I am that type of person, I halted my mother's funeral because the celebrant got some facts wrong. 😕

"deciding to strike out the friend and everyone else who paid for the video? Does that sound reasonable to anyone?"
where did the OP say she was going to do this? Also for me at my own wedding, knowing there was someone filming against my wishes and not knowing what they were filming, not having had any option to lay down my requirements, and who was STOOD IN MY BLOODY EYELINE AS I MADE MY VOWS.....I think friend and videographer got off lightly because I would have stopped the wedding and had him removed.

In the nicest possible way OP, I wouldn’t worry about the guests wanting a mass screening because nobody really but the bride/groom/parents care that much about a wedding. And I say that as someone married twice.

It’s the matrimonial equivalent of inviting someone round for a slide show of your all inclusive to Tenerife.

Oh dear. It’s come from a place of good intentions and hopefully you really will value the video in years to come.

YANBU. But it’s done now. What you may find is that many years from now, when some of the people in that video are gone, a moving image of them will be something you come to treasure.

I agree with this too, OP. My lovely dad passed a few years ago and I am so so glad I can go back and watch his speech at our wedding. I was sort of similar to you in not wanting a videographer as I just didn’t want loads of staged shots but he didn’t do that in the end, thank god!! But there are parts of the day now years later I actually really like going back and watching.

You say she’s a great friend; I think this was done without any malice and she’s just missed the mark. Try and move on from this 🩷

I'd be so annoyed at that too. I only had a photographer for half a day. I hate seeing videos of myself

This is exactly the point!

Most of the friends and family who contributed likely did so in good faith and would be upset if they knew they had contributed to something distressing. They probably assumed that the organiser had already sounded out the OP to get a sense that the gift would be welcome, even if it remained a surprise until the big day. Or they trusted her judgement as a close friend of the OP.

OP, You might have some legal redress if you genuinely feel it spoilt your day and want to have a go at recouping some money. Check if you had wedding insurance or if there is a helpline with your home insurance if you want to talk it through with someone. But most videographers state in their terms and conditions that it is the responsibility of the client (the friend commissioning the service) to obtain all relevant permissions. Which she clearly didn’t do but sueing her, even if legally possible, would make it harder for you to move on as well as killing the friendship.

but you knew that one was going to be there and, however reluctantly, agreed to it BEFORE the wedding?

all of this yes but surely for something so important, any sensible person will have made sure that he had the bride and or/groom's permission and not just taken the word of a friend...I mean this could wreck his local rep, especially if she had thrown him out.

Not everyone is obsessed with images of themselves and some people, like me, totally refuse any! When the intrusive video-whatsit was there are she arrived someone should have told them to go away, to invade the ceremony is appalling. If the name of the person is known then I would be putting their name and intrusion on line to warn others of their unprofessional behaviour.

I think that is far too personal a thing for a friend to have organised.

But I would let it go. Her intentions were good. You don't have to ever watch it but perhaps one day in the future, a relative might find it fascinating to watch.

I’d tell her! She can’t just bulldoze like this through life even with best intentions. I can’t believe none of your close friends knew how you’d feel about this and flagged it. And the fact that is your wedding present! Awful.

I agree. What reputable company would agree to film a wedding without the couple’s consent. Usually they would want to talk through the details to make sure that they capture the details that are of highest priority to the couple. Would be interesting to see their Terms and Conditions, if they have any!

Very good point!

Just to add, this was 50 years ago. I wish now I had a copy so I could see my mum and dad and other family members and friends who have since died. And remember what was a happy day. Maybe I time, OP.

To boil it down, you have friends that made a gesture in good faith and gave you a gift you didn't want.
I get it, I'd rather have something else! But what's done is done. There was no malice

Replace 'friends' with MIL and I can guarantee your response would have been different!
To do this to someone without their knowledge or consent is indeed 'malice'.

I get it OP. I think your friend’s intervention was bizarre and inappropriate.

The fact it wasn’t malicious is not the point, she didn’t ask you and it was super invasive. In a million years it wouldn’t occur to me to do this as even people who are comfortable being filmed might not want one of the most meaningful moments of their life to be filmed by a stranger.

So I would just tell her the truth, ask for the videographer’s number and ask for it to be deleted.

This is what makes me think there was something potentially dodgy about the arrangement. Who is this videographer, and what is his relationship with the friend? Is there any chance the friend arranged this in order to do the videographer the favour of a paid gig to advance his business? So it was really for this man's benefit, and not a gift for the OP?

In real life, I don't know ANYONE who did, including young friends of mine married last year.

nope, it would be a constant irritant like a grass seed in my bra