Unwanted videographer at my wedding

[banjomonkey]

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

At some point, @banjomonkey , your friend will ask to watch the video, or ask of you've seen it (or one of your other friends will). That's the time to be calmly honest, and say no, that you and your DH hate being video'd, so won't be watching it.

It will probably be less awkward saying that, than it will be trying to avoid having some video-watching session or lying and saying you've watched it or are about to.

It doesn't matter how strange you might think it is. It's her reaction. What help do you think your comment is?

this sort of happened to me. When I got married my future PIL decided they wanted the wedding filmed. I said under no circumstance did I want it filmed as I didnt want someone stopping and starting things to film in an unnatural way, I explained to them I didnt have the budget to pay for it etc.

SO they decided that my FIL would stand at the front with a camcorder and record me walking down the ilse towards him. I had NO idea and the first thing is (probably - haven't watched it) me scowling at the camera. It also means all of the photos then had him standing like a wally at the front filming something (and his tie was all wonky) I was furious.

To top it off, MIL decided she would like the cake I had ordered so she ordered 100 cupcake in different flavours decorated how she wanted and before I knew it they were all placed around the cake and she kept offering the cupcakes to people incase they didnt want my wedding cake..... I had a chocolate cake because chocolate cake is amazing. She was upset there wasnt a plain sponge and a fruit cake layer.

I am no longer married to their 'amazing' son... it was all too much. Sometime even when you express you wants and desires people dont hear you and do things anyway.

Your reaction to being in photos/video is quite extreme. Your friend did a nice thing. Not her fault you have some kind of mental health /body image issues.

It would never cross my mind that someone doesn't want a video of their wedding day.

I'm not saying you are unreasonable. But when you have such strong views, that completely diverge from most people, the onus is on you to put the breaks on it on the day.

This is really annoying and I don’t blame you for being pissed off. What is your friend like ?
however I think you have no choice at this point but to just let it go as it may cause more trouble than it’s worth saying anything at this stage.

How is it a nice thing when OP told her she wasn’t having one? She either doesn’t listen, or doesn’t care; either way, it’s not “nice”.

Anyway, who arranges this kind of thing for someone else’s wedding. It’s really weird.

You have my sympathy, OP. Your day was spoiled by misplaced interference from friends - don't people realise that, as the organiser of your own wedding, that if you wanted a video made, you'd have sorted it? It's really arrogant of people to do this kind of thing without consulting you. Yes, it would ruin my day too, to have the distraction of someone messing around in your eyeline throughout the vows etc.

I got married long ago before videos were a thing, and we had the minimum amount of photography. I roll my eyes now at the day-long nightmare that is wedding photography. I sing at weddings in a small choir and I'm well aware of these ruddy videographers and photographers imposing themselves into all the special moments of the ceremony.

Why don't people just live in the moment - enjoy the experience itself? It seems more important nowadays to record or photograph it than to actually do it. All for social media, I guess. Half the wedding problems you see on MN are due to the pressures of social media and how things will look in the photos.

I'm glad I was young when I was young!

Plenty of people wouldn’t want a videographer at their wedding, it would drive me nuts. I didn’t even bother with a photographer, nothing to do with mental health issues just didn’t want one. Some people just can’t imagine that other people don’t think the same way that they do.

haribo - I'm so sorry - I don't know how I managed to quote your post! I was just replying to OP.

It doesn’t actually matter what ‘most people’ think. Op had said to friend that she didn’t want a video. Friend went against this wish, organised a videographer and ambushed friends in paying for it ( and there were no safeguarding checks done either).

For the record, I didn’t want a video at my wedding either. Over thirty years later, no regrets.

She probably thought OP couldn't afford it and was too embarrassed to admit it and was trying to help her out. I know Mumsnet hates weddings and there is more than your average of introverts here, but in real life everyone I know had a videographer.

Even my inlaws, who had a pretty simple 80s wedding, nothing fancy, everyone came back to their house for the after party, had a friend video their wedding.

FWIW, we didn’t have a videographer at our wedding either. For similar reasons. However, a guest surreptitiously filmed the whole thing, got his s-i-l to professionally edit it and the first we knew about it was when a DVD arrived 6 months later. I was surprised how much joy watching the DVD brought, especially those moments of friends connecting which we just hadn’t seen on the day.

I‘m sorry you had the intrusive experience. Maybe the finished product will bring more joy than you expect.

It isn't her friends wedding to make that decision. I was a DJ a few years ago mainly performing in weddings. I've never seen a videographer wondering around the venue recording people. Guests took photos but nothing that extreme. I don't think the friend done it maliciously but the op should say something and not pretend.

I’m with you, OP. I would have hated that.

I have a friend who tried surprise me with something recently. It would have been the last thing I would have wanted.

But what hurt me the most was that my wishes had been trampled all over and my friend didn’t actually know me at all if that is what she thought I would enjoy. Thankfully other friends intervened and she was stopped.

I have to say that I have since kept that friend at more of a distance.

I think you should ask your friend for the videographer's details. Letting him know that you didn't want him there might prevent this happening to someone else and maybe that will help you. It sounds as if you haven't received the video yet and (if you are sure you will never want to see it) perhaps you could halt any more editing work being done and save some of the money? Your friends have thought they were giving you a nice present but it hurts to think they really don't know you.

I would have been so upset too. I was exactly the same. I had a very discrete photographer in the church who got some lovely photos. I didn't want a videographer at all. I wanted to be in the moment and exactly as you say not have someone bobbing about creating distraction and changing the mood. For some people it might be neither here nor there but for me it was a big deal, and it clearly was for you. I am really sorry this happened to you and your polite but clear 'no thanks not interested' was not taken on board. Absolutely galling that friends have spent good money on an unwanted gift. Very very intrusive of your friend to organise this and spring it on you. I am sure the friends who chipped in were not aware of your feelings or even that you were in the dark about it. I would find it very hard to thank her. I think I'd be very noncommittal about it. If she pushed, I'd probably say I didn't want it and I was sorry she'd gone ahead and booked it. Probably not great for the future of the friendship though.

Op had said to friend that she didn’t want a video.
did she?

For those who seemed to have missed that bit

I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.

what help do you think yours are, telling the OP that her wedding was indeed RUINED, that you (and others) would be shocked/ horrified/ in tears and that you would have passed out in rage?

It's done? No one can change anything so what do you expect the OP to do? Organise another wedding? Spend the rest of her life thinking her wedding was ruined and forget everything else but obsess about the video?

How is that helpful?

I'd have felt the same as the OP and 40-odd years later there wouldn't be a cat in hell's chance I'd be looking at the video

I would be mortified.

I think that was incredibly rude and arrogant of your friend. Like organising a string quartet/ Showaddywaddy tribute band/ red wedding dress as a lovely surprise for someone else’s wedding - it’s inserting yourself somewhere you shouldn’t be. Tbh pretty awful that the videographer didn’t say ‘there is no way I am filming a bride I haven’t got a specific contract with’.

God forbid the friend would be upset

I mean she only spoiled the actual wedding of one of her close friends...

The reactions are so ridiculous, you'd think the friend had been caught shagging the groom.

It was a video being recorded that no-one ever has to watch. Not what you would have wanted, but letting it ruined the entire day, the entire wedding, and deciding to strike out the friend and everyone else who paid for the video? Does that sound reasonable to anyone?

have you got any objective factual evidence that her views "completely diverge from most people"? because if not, stop posting unsubstantiated rubbish and rude comments.

What an utterly vile thing to say. At no point has the OP indicated she has a mental health issue or body issues. And you deciding she has and using it to attack her reflects on what sort of a person you are. Clearly someone with no empathy whatsoever, since you can't imagine anyone not liking what you like.

yes. If this got out then I think its likely to affect his future work.