Unwanted videographer at my wedding

[banjomonkey]

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

You 100 percent need to tell her. She'll be excitedly presenting you with the final product, so this won't be the last of it. You need to be able to be honest with good friends.

OP, I understand how you feel and time will lessen the disappointment and as someone upthread said, in years to come you will enjoy watching the video.

A friend arranged and paid for a photoshoot as a gift, despite being told that it wasn’t appropriate. She keeps hounding me about it, I’ve not booked it yet as I absolutely hate having my photo taken and this is hell on earth for me. 😥

So we kind of felt like this. But had a videographer anyway. To capture moments like my FIL playing, grooms grandparents saying some words- rather than the video of the wedding itself. My FIL
To be fair I love watching the film back now- to see the people who I love who aren't here anymore- and it helps frame the memories of these people- and we have introduced them to our daughter via the wedding film..... For us that's why we wanted it (not for the ceremony)....

YANBU - you specifically said you didn't want a videographer. I think you could say what you feel, but gently. Or just say nothing.

Or - Say thank you, and then just chuck it away (or keep it for your DC to watch!)

For me, it would depend on the situation in which your friend wants your response. Although I'd have kicked off the moment I saw the videographer - I'd have asked my father or a bridesmaid (ie someone with me at the entrance of the church) to get rid of the videographer absolutely & firmly.

It would have been a bridezilla moment, but totally justified.

We didn't have a video of our wedding - similar reasons to you OP. I wanted to remember it my way and not feel like I was part of something 'staged'.

This was just over 20 years ago.

I regret it now.

My DC have said more than once that they would have loved to see our wedding day and I realise now that seeing myself at my absolute happiest (and thinnest!) on the best day of my life surrounded by family who are now gone (especially my parents) would be a gift.

So my advice to you is, think of it as a future investment. Maybe not even for you but for future generations.

You didn't want it.
But, your friends meant well and did it with love
And you will remember that one day down the line when you might feel you'd like to watch it.

OP- did you have a wedding present list? If you did then I think your friends’ action was even worse, because I’m assuming that having a video record of your wedding wasn’t included on the list, inbetween the toasters and electric blankets.

I disagree with all the pp saying Op should have stopped the videographer - this would have been mid-ceremony and caused a scene! I have no advice Op, just hope you are able to remember the happy times from your special day 💐

I got married three years later than you and I had a videographer too. I’ve never once watched the video. Not one single time.

I have TWO video recorders.

i would feel just as you do. I think it is a horrible thing to do. To do this on someone else’s wedding day is not acceptable.
I wonder if the “friend” was somehow gaining from this promoting of the videographer or getting money off her own video by arranging for other people to join in on the cost. To do it as a surprise I think she knew you would not agree.

The friend knew but still went ahead.

Your friend is a dick. It wasn't her decision to make and I'm surprised no one else pulled her up on it. I wouldn't have wanted this either and it would have made me feel really self-conscious. Agree about the lack of presents, it's nice to have things in your home that remind you of getting married.

But it wasn’t thoughtful as op had told she didn’t want a videographer, and it was at the expense of other (more thoughtful) gifts.

No she's not. I absolutely agree this was hideously intrusive. Appalling to hijack someone else's day like this!

This woman is not your friend. She is not lovely. Your friends and family don’t know you and she made everyone pay for something you didn’t want in the first place. She also ruined your wedding!!

Cut her off and explain to people you never wanted a videographer and you explained this to your friend and she deliberately went against you.

The fact she did this behind your back was utterly disgusting.

If it was me I would have asked he was and explained this is a private ceremony and asked him to leave. You would have still kept your dignity and your friends jaws would have dropped. That would have been a wedding to remember. You would have gotten married your way.

You will get to a stage in your life where you have enough of tolerating other people imposing their belief's or wants on you and you accepting it. Some day you will learn to say no and not give a fuck who you upset. Your feelings and your wants are just as important and you will learn not to tolerate chancers. Your great friend couldn't afford to pay for the videographer so sold it to all your other friends so they didn't have to buy a gift.

Cut her off. She’s not lovely. She ruined your wedding.

I'm baffled that a professional videographer would be willing to take an instruction from anyone either than the bride or groom. Don't clients usually have a consultation about what they want?

She’s not your friend!!! She ruined your wedding!! She’s not lovely!!

She didn't explain this to her friend, so the friend didn't "go against" her. I totally agree the friend should never have done this though, and I would probably tell her.

You're still talking about it you would have been better off saying something rather than have a complete stranger walk around the church. You're to easy going and easy to abuse you need to get some back bone and say 'no'.

isn't this a tad of an over-reaction?

Do you actually believe that the wedding was actually RUINED because of it?

Do you even believe that someone would spend money on a gift - that they enjoyed themselves and already discussed with the friend - just to be spiteful? And the other friends joined in, just to be spiteful too?

I wish people would stop telling the OP how she should feel or how she will fell.

OP your feelings are yours!!! 100% valid.

What you do with them is what matters... accept them, name them, feel them..

Then decide how you will feel when you no longer feel so affected by this. Decide how you would wish to feel about a heartfelt gift from these friends, assign that feeling to the gesture (but not the recording).

Practice a response .. 'Oh yeah, the wedding movie, a generous gesture.. thank you.' Gratitude for the gesture, not the present.

Hopefully your friends will not extract an expression of gratitude from you and you can all move on... acknowledging without saying, that this is not a topic for conversation and that sometimes gift giving meet the needs of the giver more than the receiver.

You feel all over the place about it and you can't talk to your nearest and dearest about how you feel. It's a mental health issue to bottle up how you feel. It's no coincidence that the most successful and happiest people are the ones who can express their feelings. They do what they say and they say what they mean. You can lie about the truth but does that make you a reliable good friend. You can speak the truth with out being rude and ungrateful. You have to decide what kind of friendship you want in the future.

I wonder if you could contact the videographer in confidence, explain the situation, and ask that they don't edit the footage / make the film, so they could offer you a partial refund.