Unwanted videographer at my wedding

[banjomonkey]

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

@banjomonkey I totally get it. I hate having my photo taken.. have done since being a child.

same thing happened at my wedding.. to this day, I haven’t watched the film.

But over time, my feelings towards it have changed…my mum passed away and it gives me a lot of comfort to know that if I want to see her moving and talking on a day where she and my dad were so happy, then I have that to turn to…

The video exists now. You don’t need to watch it. But it would be shame for this to continue to upset you. Perhaps you can start to think about how loved you are, that your friends wanted to surprise you with a memory of the best day of your life. For all those posters saying that your friends should have known.. I don’t see it the same way. I haven’t really expressed how I feel about having my photo taken so why would they know?

Your friend messed up…but her intentions were kind. Maybe if you don’t want to tell her that you hated having the videographer there, you could simply say that you appreciate the gesture. You could say that you are going to wait to watch it, perhaps on your anniversary… which will give you some space to come to terms with how you are feeling.

Do you know what the OP actually said? Its' great you are making all these scenario in your own head, but that doesn't help anyone here does it.
You can't compare a videographer at an event with an existing professional photographer and a veil, don't be ridiculous.

Just because I would't do it personally doesn't mean I have to agree with the horrible comments "she's a cow, a narcisist, and she HAS ruined the wedding completely". How is that helping the OP?

I don’t agree that the OP is over-reacting at all. I would not have wanted a videographer either. Photos are difficult enough (I’m not at all photogenic) but video would be an absolute no-no.

I completely understand your distress, OP. If you want to maintain your relationship either this friend, I think you’re going to have to try put this to the side; change the subject slightly if the video comes up in conversation. Your friend made a huge mistake, but I’m sure she & your other friends didn’t realise how much it would upset you & your husband. It’s all very raw at the moment but your feelings of anger and disappointment will ease with time.

When you have a thought about it, stop yourself and think of a much happier memory from the day.

@banjomonkey you say you don’t even know the videographer’s name? So is their footage coming to you courtesy of the friend?

I don’t know how videography works, but for our photographer we were sent all the proofs and then went through to pick photos for the album, prints etc. Would a videographer not edit the film with your input / say so? Or do you just get the film they choose to make for you?

YANBU at all. Videos and photos, and the people taking them, are very personal. You want to meet the professional and see their work and if you like them before they spend most of your wedding day with you or your guests!

One thing you could do is ask the videographer to make you a film that doesn’t include you - so if they were off filming people, have all that footage of stuff you didn’t see and cut out anything with you and DH in it.

This is your closest group of friends, a friendship group that your good friend has compromised for you because you will find it very difficult to say a heartfelt thank-you to any of them, I imagine. I don’t blame you.

So I think that if they begin to wonder why you sound less than enthusiastic about having had a stranger-videographer thrust in your personal space for those very special moments as a gift, then I think you must tell the simple truth, which is that you both deliberately chose not to have a videographer because you both really hated the idea and just didn’t want one.

I wouldn’t go as far as volunteering to them just how much it ruined things for you, unless they ask, -just that you wished you had been asked. Your friends do deserve to have a frank admission from you if they ask so that they can reflect, understand and apologise which I’m sure will go some way to validating your feelings, feelings which are perfectly normal by the way.

You will then feel a little better about it all and with their understanding, be more able to put it behind you at least.

So, don’t hide the truth from any of them OP. If and when they ask what you thought of the videographer or when you will be doing the video reveal or however it comes up, say …oh it was unnerving to see somebody in Church filming us when I had planned to avoid that. Or no, we aren’t in a hurry to watch any videos, we just don’t like being filmed at all.
You can put your point across without being impolite as long as you are honest and keep it simple.

I’m sorry you are feeling so sad about it, I completely understand how it could affect you like this.
YANBU at all.

Same thing happened to me. I don't like being photographed normally, but it was fine for our wedding. However, my in laws wanted a video, I said no. Got out of the car at the church and there was a bloke videoing it all. Was really cross. It was one of their friends. I didn't get on with my inlaws, they were really overbearing and controlling, but fortunately lived 500 miles away!
I did see the video eventually, and actually it wasn't bad. They never sent us a copy though!!!!!

If you didn’t know where the videographer was, he couldn’t have been that intrusive 🤔

Stupid message. We're not all the same. You sound like the friend.

I think what the OP meant is that she didn't know where they would pop up next so you can't feel you can relax and be yourself in case someone is filming

I sympathise and completely understand your feelings. If she had offered to do this you could have said a firm no. If she had booked it but told you before the day you could have met the videographer first and discussed what you did and didn’t want so felt a bit more in control and at ease on the day.
It seems a strange move on her part especially as you do not have any way to contact him. Who will approve the final product? Her?
I would message her and say thank you (with gritted teeth) ask her for his details so you can have an input in editing etc and say that your choice not to have this was through a genuine discomfort. This was indeed how you felt on the day compounded by having no warning.
Out of interest if she paid on behalf of several people who ‘owns’ the content?

Something that I might do OP, in this situation, is tell myself that if I’m still upset about this in a year, then I’ll say something. That way I’m not forcing myself to let it go, and I’m keeping the option open to addressing it. But I’m not having to do it right now.

I chose not to have a video either. I'd had one at my 21st but I thought it potentially makes people self conscious, uncomfortable, and modify their behaviour.

YANBU at all.

Unfortunately I don't think you can really say anything to your friend. There isn't anything she can do to put it right.

DFIL came to the hospital with a video camera the day after DC was born after a very long labour culminating in emergency CS.

I know he was just overexcited both by new DGC and having been able to borrow a video camera (this was 30 years ago, it was huge. Looked like it should have come with a sound crew). But it was thoughtless.

It isnt a film I treasure.

I hear you, it was your we a bdding, you and your husband's special day and you both knew what you did and did not want and this was ignored.

I hate being filmed and photograhed, I hate the now entrenched trend for selfies and instagram reels that seem to suggest that if something is not recorded then it is not happening. I have every single thing I go to being full of people with their bloody phones out taking pictures that they will more than likely look at only once. I hate going to things where someone yells "selfie" and everyone poses and pouts. When I had big birthday and went out with friends for a really nice meal I expressely said no selfies and no videos and no putting the footage on Facebook, one friend ignored me and I felt upset and ignored. Why can't people just respect other's choices?

I think the intentions were so lively. I know it was intrusive, but she was thoughtful and meant no harm. I would let this go and feign thanks.

The op is already well aware that the friend didn't have bad or malicious intentions- that isn't the point!

It's just so rude and makes the assumption that they know better about what she wanted.

This is the most shit gift ever. But one man's rubbish...

You can't change it. The best you can do is come to terms with it, watch it, then throw it in the sea if you so choose.

It was clearly well intentioned but incredibly inappropriate.

I get that it's a bitter pill to swallow, especially as your friends spent good money on it. But you are holding onto hot rocks at the moment i.e only hurting yourself. Absolutely have a rant and you deserve utter sympathy. But just watch it (you might love it!) then put it to bed for your own wellbeing.

my brain might want to feign thanks but my face has a will of its own.

This

Wow, I totally understand why you're upset and I don't think you're overreacting.

I can also understand your friends doing it, I'm sure they thought they were doing something lovely - which in a way makes it even sadder! Personally I would feel sad about my friends wasting their money. And I would also be slightly miffed at getting something I hate instead of wedding presents I'd actually asked for, and/or money I could actually spend on something useful. How bizarre of them to just assume you wanted something like that without asking. I would have hated it too. I always feel more on-edge when I know I'm being filmed. And I hate looking at videos of myself.

I know that’s not the point but it does add some perspective!! None of the friends who contributed to the gift seemed to know that she wouldn’t want a videographer either, otherwise they wouldn’t have contributed or said no?!
so how was anyone meant to know what was a well intended surprised wouldn’t be received well!

Can you talk to one trusted/non-dramatic person in your friend group about how you really feel and let them gently pass the message on to the rest? The gift organiser can be kept happily in the dark maybe, but the rest will know to quietly steer her away from this sort of thing in future.

Why must people interfere with things like this? Infuriating!

I'm afraid I can't help but be blunt these days.

I would have taken a moment, told the videographer politely and quietly that her services were not required, and apologise for what was a waste of her/his time. I would have then proceeded, and deal with any fallout later.

Friend had no right to go having a whip round. They grossly misjudged the situation.

OP I do completely understand how you were concentrating more on getting into the church.

Hope you feel better about it all soon, whether you decide to admit you were unhappy or you don't.

Id want to know if I'd contributed to it wether you like it or not & id be pissed at the organiser if I heard what you'd written. As somebody who completely understands (but gets swept up in weddings as well) I wouldn't have wanted to cause you to feel this way