Unwanted videographer at my wedding

[banjomonkey]

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

she probably just assumed that you’d probably want one

Yeah, that's exactly what she did, and that's where she was massively fucking overstepping, by making huge assumptions without any real foundation. Making an assumption like that is pure guesswork with zero evidence, and it's crass and pushy to proceed with booking a service for someone else's wedding on that basis.

Also, even if you think the friend's assumption that most people want a video of their wedding day was reasonable... surely you cannot possibly think that it was also a reasonable assumption to think that the couple would be happy to miss out on the wedding presents they'd asked for in order to pay for the video? The things they specifically listed as things they wanted and needed?

We didn’t have a videographer either and don’t regret it at all.

I’m also astonished that the videographer didn’t speak to you. In this day and age, you always have to sign consent and make the cameraman aware of any person (usually children) that’s not allowed to be photographed for any reason.

i don’t think you’re overreacting at all. If they knew you didn’t want one, it’s overstepping the boundaries.

I had some sympathy but you’ve lost it here. I get you didn’t want one, that’s fine but it was well within your grasp to sort it, have a 2 minute polite conversation with said person and job done…move on.

Not read the whole thread because it’s long and I don’t have time right now, but I saw the title and wanted to chip in to say this happened to me. Dh’s aunt decided to video our wedding as a ‘surprise’. Neither of us wanted a video.

She had no boundaries, she was in our faces constantly and she’s there with her bloody camcorder in the background (and sometimes foreground) of so many of our photos - so annoying! Couldn’t say anything at the time without upsetting all the in-laws.

We’ve only watched the video a couple of times. It’s pretty bad - shaky, weird angles, distorted sound etc. Technology has moved on so I don’t think we could watch it now even if we wanted to. But maybe one day I’ll dig it out and try to find a way, because the kids would probably be interested.

You have to just find a way to put it behind you, so it doesn’t taint all your memories. Don’t actively lie to your friends - if anyone asks if you’re enjoying the video, be honest and say that whilst you appreciate the kind gesture, you didn’t want a video for various reasons and you haven’t watched it. Don’t make a big thing of it, but don’t lie either. Try to focus on the things that you did enjoy about the day.

its hard but is it worth losing the friendship over? It was well intentioned so perhaps just leave it as that. Get the footage. You don’t need to watch it. But, I (as a 40 year old) recently found out there was videos of guests arriving at my parents wedding. And I absolutely loved seeing my older relatives and parents friends all dressed up arriving. Perhaps it’s something your kids or nieces and nephews etc might enjoy in 30 years.

don’t let it ruin your day by dwelling on it or losing a otherwise good friend over it.

Lots of people are missing the point that the bride and groom didn't get anything off their gift wish list, because all their friends collectively paid for this thing they didn't want.

That does stink.

I also think it’s sad you didn’t get wedding presents also. I’d be disappointed as well. Did your friend ambush them in donating to the video? (And that’s not being grabby).

I simply cannot believe that she thought that it was okay to organise an element of your wedding. The day is about you not her and who on here thinks she had the right to do this? I just don’t get those who think you are unreasonable; you’re simply not.

If you could see the videographer bobbing around during the vows then they must have been pretty crap. I did have one that I chose carefully and honestly I don't remember actively seeing him at all during the day. In fact until I shared the highlights reel to my social media most of my guests hadn't realised he was there either.

This was of huge importance in my choice and I did a lot of research because I actively hate having my photo taken etc.

However, I think you need to reframe this in your head before it destroys your memories of the day and your friendships.

Instead of how much you didn't want it, how about focus on the thought behind the gesture. Your friend may have felt that your protestations were due to cost and thought she was doing you a solid. I doubt she meant to hurt you.

If it helps give some perspective, I love watching mine back, it captured bits of the day I hadn't seen myself or realised had happened. It captured some truly gorgeous moments between my dh and my dd (his dsd) as well as between dh and my ex and dsc (still a very close family). There are family members included who are now on end of life care so being able to watch it back and see them happy and vibrant is something I will treasure for example.

I would have hated that. I think it's on both of you.

You could have said no or asked someone from the wedding party to do so if you didn't feel comfortable. You could have asked they only film at the reception because you wanted to keep the ceremony an intimate occasion. There was lots of damage control you could easily and quickly have done.

You friend absolutely should have asked, who on earth does that... But she easy trying to be nice and I guess you could see it as a nice thing that she wanted it to be, even if it wasn't. Depends how much you value the friendship how you proceed I imagine.

I'm also surprised the videographer didn't need to get approval from you or the church or venue or whatever to film, usually they would.

Outrageous thing to do - overstepping her mark as a wedding guest doesn’t even begin to cut it. Who thinks they get to decide things like this on someone else’s behalf? Everyone knows that people’s wedding days are exactly how THEY want it because they spend a long time planning it! It’s like swapping out your dress for one she liked better and then expecting you to be grateful!

You would be doing her a favour to let her know how you feel, might save her doing something so inappropriate and awful to anyone else in the future. How about writing a letter?

She wildly, wildly overstepped and has irrevocably changed the most important day of your life to you. You are allowed to feel utterly furious with her, you don’t have to persuade yourself to ‘be nice’ and just get over it. Your feelings are valid, this matters to you and that is very reasonable.

As far as I can see she owes you at the least a grovelling apology and the money that the videographer cost. She basically spent your wedding guests’ gift budget on your behalf and the least she can do is make sure you can buy yourselves the wedding gifts you wanted - or give it to charity if you like. Bottom line is that it wasn’t her money to spend! You can never get back your ceremony, how you wanted it, though and tbh I would struggle to forgive her for that. The friendship would be over for me, I could never trust her again.

She also owes a massive apology to the guests she got to pay for this. I’d be gutted to realise I had contributed to something that detracted from the wedding instead of a gift that was wanted and appreciated by the people i love.

But it’s probably best to let the guests believe they did a nice thing because it’s not their fault.

When your friend was singing the praises of her videographer, and you were sitting there thinking “I would absolutely hate that” - why didn’t you just say that out loud? She’s your friend…

How is it rude to say “I hate the idea of being filmed and my fiancé and I have specifically told our photographer not to do this” - it’s like saying “I hate mayonnaise and asked my husband to make my sandwich without it”. I have no idea why you would think this would offend anyone? If you were sitting there being “polite” and saying “oh that sounds lovely” she would have no idea of how you feel about it.

Why would you not watch it?

I would have told the videographer at the first opportunity that you did not want them there - your friends totally stepped out of line and I wouldn’t have cared about ‘hurting’ their feelings as they certainly didn’t seem to care about going against your wishes.
But it’s done now. I would say to the friend who organised it that you appreciate that she was trying to do something nice but there was a reason why you didn’t want it videoed. You don’t have to go on a rant - nothing can be changed now - but if you explain calmly that it did impact your day (I wouldn’t say ‘ruin’) and hopefully she will learn from this.

You can't fix it, you can't tell anyone so just try and reframe it. It's not a thing for you or family but you are allowing it to exist and you are thankful for it because one day in the future your children or your grandchildren or your nieces and nephews will watch it and love it

You can disagree with actions taken but still be grateful for the sentiment.

YANBU and don't listen to the posters saying you are overreacting. I am getting married next year and this would be my worst nightmare. I personally find the videographer idea a bit cringe and would hate being filmed/followed around all day. I just want a really relaxed day and it would put me on edge.

Hats off to you for keeping it together as I would have told them to leave within 5 seconds 🤣.

I would just be honest with your friends, and say you appreciate the gesture but have no interest in watching the video.

Ah it's done now and I think all you can do it try to find a way to stop focussing on it. If you say something, it sounds like many friends will then know that their gift was unwanted, and that would be a shame.

It's annoying that not one friend said "if they wanted a videographer surely they would have booked one, are you sure about this".

As others have said, it may bring you some joy later down the line.

Just send them all a link to this thread!

This, OP. I was very much like you, but we just recently celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary and playing the video at the party was so much fun and a sweet reminder of people who participated (my parents especially) who are no longer with us.

I feel rage for you OP; your friend's action trampled over your feelings on such an important day.

By choosing not to watch it gives you some power over the situation now.

I have a friend like that (on a far less "big" scale). She knows I HATE fuss but has secretly organised 1) a birthday party for me 2) a birthday cake in a quiet restaurant that 4 of us went to.

The cake was brought out with candles and singing by the staff.

I don't know if she tries to be difficult/annoying or if she just can't understand that I don't like fuss and thinks I'm strange.

This happened to me 33 years ago, my parents friends filmed at the church, I didn't want it, have never watched it and was annoyed they turned up to do that (my parents had invited them to the evening do) I'd have been really annoyed if it was a present.

What difference would it have made to tell them to stop? In the middle of the ceremony. The money was spent. She would have looked like an absolute bridezilla. And now she knows everyone chipped in, everyone would have been upset and the biggest thing people would have remembered.

sometimes people do things with the best of intentions and so it feels mean to then tell them they’ve done something wrong.