Unwanted videographer at my wedding

[banjomonkey]

I didn’t want a videographer at my wedding. I totally understand why some people love it, but I really really didn’t want it. I wasn’t massively fussed about photographs either, but found a photographer I liked and explained to her that I really didn’t want it to be intrusive, which she totally got. I told her we'd absolutely rather not have certain pictures than have her up close during the service. My fiance was even less keen on having even a photographer. He actively hates being photographed or filmed. It makes him really uncomfortable. A few months before my wedding, a lovely friend mentioned she loved having a videographer at hers. I told her I wasn’t having one, and was totally fine about that. I should have emphasised it was really important to me that there wasn't a videographer, but it just didn't occur to me. Plus she was talking about how much she loved hers, so it would have seemed a bit rude to say I really didn't want one.
I loved my wedding. It was exactly what I wanted. I spent a lot of time planning it and I am really happy about how it all went. However… The lovely friend had organised a videographer! The first I knew about it was when I was arriving at the church. I was totally blindsided. I was so focused on walking down the aisle and the moment that I didn't know what to do. The videographer ended up coming into the church and bobbing around in my eyeline all the way through the vows, which kept taking me out of one of the most important moments of my life. I am so so so upset. It was exactly the opposite of what I wanted – at my own wedding! I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends. They’ve all spent a lot of money on this videographer. I’m so sad about this. The videographer actively reduced my enjoyment of the day. I have no interest in watching the video. My fiance has no interest in watching the video. Our families have no interest in this video. We’re also now not getting any wedding presents (and I know it’s not a big deal but I actually would have liked those things). I can't even talk to anyone about being upset because it was all my closest friends who contributed to it (which is why I am on here!). I just… I know it can’t be fixed. I know my friend thought she was arranging something lovely for me. I genuinely can’t even bear to watch this video. It would spoil my memories of my wedding. But I really don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there’s anything I can say or do. I'm not sure how I can fake enthusiasm to all my friends, and I am worried they will guess it's not what I wanted.
AIBU - my friend was doing something nice. It’s not a big deal anyway.
YANBU - she hijacked my wedding list and reduced my enjoyment of my own wedding

To me, it's like telling a friend you're not having flowers at your wedding, or a cake, and then ordering them/it. It just wasn't her decision to make and she didn't give you the chance to say no. She desperately wanted to do this and took a very vague comment as consent. The fact it also deprived you of wedding gifts....no I'm sorry but I would have to say something. I'd definitely tell her and I'd ask her for the name of the videographer so you can put them straight too.
I specifically didn't want posed photos, mainly because I hate that hour you lose of fun while taking loads of pointless formal group photos. I told my photographer this very clearly. One of my husband's aunts tried to make him do it anyway by grabbing my husband and arranging it herself but I told her there and then that we were not doing it and to let us enjoy our day. I had already told his mother we were not doing posed group shots apart from a couple with the parents and siblings. Some people really are selfish.

I think you consider implications of mentioning this going forward. You'll likely ruin friendships. It clearly came from a good place even if poorly executed. Suck it up and maintain the friendships if important to you. Making drama will just lead to falling out, end of friendships and people thinking the worst of you. However unfair that may feel.

Insight is a wonderful thing, but again wasn't she testing the water with you and misunderstood that you didn't want one?
Not exactly highjacking is it

So, if you were chatting about someone's wedding plans and they said 'I'm not having (eg) a wedding cake' you'd think it was OK to ask all her guests to contribute towards a cake and surprise the bride and groom with it instead of buying them wedding presents from their list? Without actually bothering to find out why the bride wasn't having a cake? How about if you said 'Are you wearing a veil?' and the bride said 'No, I'm fine without one'? Would you think 'Ah, I've tested the water and because she didn't say she hates veils, she must actually mean that she wants one really. I'd better tell everyone to chip in so we can make her wear it on the day.'

It absolutely IS hijacking and massively overstepping and anyone who thinks otherwise is, frankly, as weird as the OP's friend.

And this is why I eloped to Vegas 😆 Cannot stand wedding politics and the whole facade. I feel for you, I do. But try to focus on their loving intention as much as possible, even though it's difficult. It came from a loving place and you can't go back in time so being upset will not change anything except potentially ruin your friendships and muddy your lovely day memory even more.

YANBU, I would have HATED this! I don't mind myself in photos (as long as I a know it's being taken!) but I hate myself on film/video. My 2 lovely DC are OK with it, and one has a YouTube channel and lots of videos with their face on! And the other one has lots of videos on Instagram (with their face/themselves on!) I wish I was that confident!

Sorry this happened @banjomonkey but as pps said, you should have firmly told the videographer that they were not wanted. Should have said to your friend that you appreciate the gesture, but you have no desire to be filmed.

I know you were blindsided, and it's easy to say (now) what you should have said - but yes you are absolutely right to be pissed off.

I don’t think you should worry about upsetting your friend. She loved having a videographer and had good intentions but she was completely self absorbed and didn’t think about what you would want. I would let her know you never wanted that if she is upset so be it , lesson learnt for her. I married abroad , husbands family territory. Wanted a moment to gather myself before going into marriage room, husbands family descended on me like paparazzi, felt flustered and worked up instead of calm and centred. Some folk just do what they want but then maybe some brides would like that. I hope your memories focus on the no Video moments, you can laugh about it in time, you do dig out the film years down the line and end up enjoying it.

one of the reasons we eloped was because of the thought of having to be photographed or videoed - to know it’s the done thing but I can think of nothing worse.

I don’t think your friend did this with malice and I’m hoping for you it’s as others have said and one day in the future you will be able to look back and be pleased you have the videography.

you could also buy her kid a pet tarantula as a birthday gift to get your own back 😂

Absolutely this. Can never understand these people who think their ideas are always better and just sooooo amazing. 🙄I wonder if the friend was testing the waters OP to see your reaction and because you were polite and went down the 'oh not thought of having one' routine to not piss on her fireworks rather than 'god NO; we certainly don't want one', she obviously thought she'd cracked onto a 'lovely surprise' for you.

We have a video of our day. Watched it after we came back from honeymoon and once when the kids said they wanted to watch it.

Yes it does have people on there that are now gone and I'm sure it would be nice, in that way, to watch it again but the videographer got one of the guests (one of my (now ex) friends) to go round the reception with a microphone to speak to other guests whilst he filmed them...he picked her because she was the most noisiest, extrovert pissed guest and in a revealing outfit that showed her nipples so all my guests were 'interviewed' by her whilst the videographer was leering at her...😑(ex friend for other reasons!!) Just awful...

OP, if your friend is such a nice friend, you could have a quick chat with her, if she should bring up the subject i.e. "have you watched your wedding video yet?" ...."ooo no...we never wanted one, I thought I told you that? So, no we're not watching it. So how have you been?...blah blah blah"

' I’ve now found out that the friend also organised loads of my guests to pay towards making the videographer our wedding present - including all my best friends'

This is the annoying thing. If she had just paid for it all herself you could just not watch it and say thanks but she dragged everyone else into it. Just send all her future gifts to charity!

You have my every sympathy - I would HATE that too! In fact, such was our determination not to do the whole 'big fuss' thing, we eloped with just two friends.

I actually had a similar situation but nowhere near as bad. My manager organised a bridal bouquet of flowers to be delivered to the venue we were marrying at, as a gift from all my work colleagues (through a collection). We had purposely decided not to have any of the trappings of a wedding - I got married in a casual summer dress (which my manager knew), but there I am, in at least some of our snaps (obvs we didn't have a proper photographer), with a huge fuck-off wedding bouquet - think Lady Diana style! It was fine, as no one who contributed was there so I only picked it up for a couple of photos to send to the office to say thank you, but it was a bit irritating that I felt compelled to do this on my wedding day, that my manager had organised this (similar to you, I had told him I wasn't having a bouquet...) and that it was such a waste of money for all my colleagues.

I have the feeling that your friend was making your wedding all about her - by going to guests asking for money to pay for the video. “Oh look - see what a good friend I am organised this - no - don’t thank me - it’s the least I can do”. Subtext - see how fabulous I am - the bride is so lucky to have a friend like me! 🙄

I totally get why you're upset. The only thing I can say is she obviously thought u would love it and would be gutted to know how upset you are. You'll have to let it go and not mention it for fear of losing a mate, but as a lesson learnt maybe if anything like this arises again don't be too vague and really stipulate if there is something you really don't like etc like going away on holiday or something. Hopefully nothing like this happens again. I do get you though, hopefully in time you'll get over it xx

I totally get the photo thing OP, I ( and OH) really dislike having our photos taken.

Knowing someone has a camera puts me on edge, you are not alone in the photo thing.

I would have hated that. I don't like having my photo taken at the best of times, and l found having photos taken stressful enough.
However our photographer was lovely, our package was for still photographs. There was no way l'd want a video of it.
Wedding videos were relatively new when we got married (late 80s) thank goodness, so it wasn't an issue.
Quite frankly if a 'friend' had arranged it as a 'surprise' or a 'present' I would not have been happy and they'd have been made aware of that, even if it had to be after the day. It's intrusive.
And l certainly wouldn't have watched it, or 'put it in a drawer'.

And very likely that they didn’t know OPs feelings about it and CF said OP was ok with it and let’s all chip in

Yes the other friends were daft not to say anything to the OP but it’s definitely the organising friend that is the arrogant one here

Did you actually tell her you weren’t having a videographer because you really don’t want one? Or did you just say, I’m not having one.

because the vast majority of people wants all the videos and pictures of their day, your active aversion to it is highly unusual.

if you didn’t explicitly say I don’t want one I’d hate it then she probably just assumed that you’d probably want one, but weren’t massively bothered to spend the money on it.

and clearly thought she was giving you the gift of a lifetime that’s highly meaningful to most people.

In 20 years when half the people at that wedding are dead and gone, that video will be source of comfort and delight.

I really hate seeing dead relatives on video. I love looking at photos of them, but not video. It just makes me feel really sad. So no, it won't necessarily be a source of comfort and delight. And if the OP thought it would, she would have ORDERED HER OWN FUCKING CAMERAMAN FFS. Why is that so hard for people to understand??

Whether or not she ‘meant well’, she overstepped to such a degree I’d be keeping the friendship at arms-length forever for the foreseeable.

It's not ridiculous for the video to have spoiled her day. It's how she feels. But I'd loved to have had a decent video of my wedding, so I could see my mum again. Sometimes it's difficult to picture her in my mind and photos aren't as good.

You have my sympathies. I would be mortified. Some people are saying ‘you’re overreacting’. No, not at all. They’re people who would like it, and that’s fine. But you didn’t. It’s a horrible thing. I’d be furious at a friend who organised it despite knowing you weren’t keen. That reeks of them wanting to be seen to be fabulous - look what I organised, aren’t I thoughtful. I’m 100% with you on this.

You’re not overreacting to having a video or photos taken. Many people hate the idea. People who are saying ‘it’s just photos’ are comfortable having photos taken/being on video. Great. You do you. Some of us don’t - so leave us alone.
Congratulations on your marriage xxx

I got married in Jamaica. A fellow holidaymaker started filming it, walked around us, even tried to push a horse shoe purse thing on me.

When I copped her filmimg, I said please excuse me one moment walked over to her and said fuck off.

I can't understand why you didn't do anything.

Your friend is bonkers.

My Fil has just put the pic up of us signing the register that the Pil insisted we have a photo of, so we had to redo it for them. I was furious at the time and I'm still cross, 25 years on. I'd be apoplectic about this invasion of my day.

I hate to disappoint but it’s probably got an old episode of The Bill recorded over it and since been consigned to landfill. I’ve never seen it myself although I believe my parents watched it through on the camcorder and howled with laughter.

I think your friend was controlling and cared
more about looking good to others than giving you a genuine gift that would make you happy. Sounds abit narcissistic to me.