Am I intolerant and unreasonable or would you also find this infuriating?

[Rewpf]

I feel like I’m going mad at times.

DP takes forever to do anything.

Toilet is 20 mins (I know that seems a theme for a lot of men), getting shoes on….

Dd 2.5’s bedtime…it doesn’t matter when DP starts bedtime, it will always take over an hour for her to be asleep. I cannot understand it. It takes me around 20 mins for quick teeth brush, vitamins and fresh pyjamas. It really messes with her routine.

We went to the beach the other day and me and DD had got changed and ready to leave the beach in the time it had taken DP to brush off his feet and put socks and shoes on again.

Walking… everything is an amble. We needed wipes from the car due to a nappy emergency when out recently. I was holding DD in a difficult position while I watched him casually walk over to the car park. Nothing is done at speed, ever.

We got in the car yesterday and as he got in I suggested the name of a pub for Saturday lunch. Rather than turning the engine on and talking as we go, he sort of slumped into his seat and wanted to get into a big conversation about it whilst we were stationery.

Leaving the house… absolutely horrific. Every small task includes a pause. Shoes on, sit and pause. Stand up, pause. Pick up bag or water etc, pause. often this leads to DD getting really bored and waiting at the door to go out, I even plan it to make sure she starts getting ready with me a bit later on so she’s not waiting around but it simply doesn’t work. He’s always after us.

Dinner… unless we eat out or I’ve cooked, he will have dinner around 9:3-10:30. I have spoken about this so many times…he will insist he wants to cook and I don’t want to put a downer on it but the hours will go by and he doesn’t actually start it.

Shopping. Heaven help me if we stop for petrol and he wants to ‘nip in’ to the shop. Me and DD waited in the car for 25 minutes at a petrol station with a tiny spar shop inside, while he spent an absolute age in there.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is done quickly. He’s not got any health issues. Early 40s.

For transparency I am quite the opposite to this and can be a bit full on the other way…I’ll have several jobs done within a few minutes, for example. I don’t know if I’m being unfair, it drives me mad but perhaps I need to be more understanding and patient?! He’s a good dad generally and good to me mostly but this makes me feel I’m going crazy!

He sounds too laid back, you sound abit too hectic always rushing about. Both can be very annoying!

Yep same here ✋🏻 twins and a primary aged child. I try to be patient but it’s hard to not feel resentful when you’ve dressed and gotten 3 children plus yourself ready in the time husband has brushed his teeth and put gel in his hair!!!

OP I don’t have a good solution, other than just focusing on his good qualities? 🤷‍♀️

Oh my dh and I are like this too. At my best I look at it as him evening me out and making sure sometimes we go slow and chill, but half the time I really am fit to kill him. He’s just waaaay too relaxed about everything. Funnily enough he seems to do really well at work, but I think it’s more that he just applies himself well to one thing at a time, has surrounded himself with ppl good at being organised and is very good at delegating.

Ugh professional gaffers and chronic urgency lacking pisses me right off.

I'd be tearing my hair out too!

Re eating late - don't ever go to a braai (barbeque) with a South African man. You'll sit around drinking beer and eating chips and dip, then the brandy comes out, then they say they haven't even taken the meat out of the freezer yet! Only then do they start the fire and have to wait for it to burn down before cooking. By that stage you're full of chips and dip and beer and not even hungry!

I hve not read all the responses. I just want to say that I 100% get this. You could be writing about my DH. On the car one... what drive sme even crazier is that if we're driving along and the conversation is about something that requires actual THOUGHT, he slows down. It's like he can't keep his foot on the accelerator AND think at the same time.

DS has ADHD. We are 90% certain that DH has it too.

I see it as a complete inability to think forward or ahead. So he is 100% in the moment, all of the time. The fact that as a result, even though I said we need to levae for lunch at 12:00, if he is doing something else, he has literally not thought about getting ready until me and DD come downstairs to put our shoes on at 11:55

But quite honestly, a lot of the time, every time something like this happens, it makes me love him that tiny bit less. I still love him a LOT, but the cup can only be be so full and enough tiny drops taken away will impact it.

I am just starting testosterone to deal with a complete lack of libido due to peri-menopause, but my doctor and I have actually discussed that while we 100% can see the hormone impact on my libido, part of it is this issue which we both suspect IS ADHD and part of my "homework" is that as I get my hormones right, I have to talk to him about what HE is goign to do about managing his ADHD which is frankly pissing me off.

South African men usually rely ont he women to take the meat out of the freezer!

So that's where I went wrong!!

And the traditional way is the women stay in the kitchen making the salads and sides while the men stand outside drinking beer and 'supervising' (watching) the guy who is braaing.

The man who does the braai is the alpha male in the pack haha.

Things aren't as traditional in my friend group, but we do sometimes find ourselves fulfilling these roles and we laugh about it.

Do you say that about the women on this thread who have said they are similar to OP's DH?

what's MORe annoying is when the man who has grilled a bit of meat, after his wife has bought the meat, marinaaded the meat, made the salad, prepared desserts, poured drins... gets all the praise!

MyLittleNest, your husband sounds like a toddler trapped in a man's body! How can you stand it?

Yes - exactly!!

Do you say that about the women on this thread who have said they are similar to OP's DH?

Sure. I mean its not hard to think of others occasionally. Want to spend 20 mins slowly and leisurely walking around a petrol station? Go back later when the kids asleep. Dont leave people watching your restless kid in the car .

Set a timer on your phone or something.

If you are incapable of having any sense of urgency when your small child/baby has a nappy full of shit then you hold the baby while someone else goes.

Unless you routinely miss flights, are a no show to drs appointments and hair dressers and have been fired from every job you have had because you can't get there on time then chances are its a choice to make everyone constantly wait around for you and you think your time is more important

Sounds like you’re both a bit too much the opposite way. My son is a bit like your dh and his gf has apparently commented on it but he said he doesn’t know why girls are always in such a rush (they’re at uni), because I also have to gee him up sometimes (his cutting a vegetable makes me want to bang my head against the wall). They seem to take the mañana mentality very seriously.😖

So many people on here have asked the OP questions about things she has written in her post.
Has she answered any of them?
NO!
Why do we bother??

I may be wildely extrapolating base don how similar her experience is to mine, but I suspect she posted that from a train or something this morning on her way to work, and wont' be online again until later!

Fair enough in principle, but how many mistakes are you likely to make when putting your shoes on or picking up a water bottle? Presumably the OP's DH is past the stage where he's likely to accidentally put his shoes on the wrong feet, or pick up a soft toy instead of his wallet and mobile.

I see what you’re saying but my meaning of consequences was that his dallying about would cause him to lose quality time with his wife and child (dinner time, bed time etc) and he’d have to deal with the mood of the toddler from being kept waiting. I obviously wouldn’t recommend these as long term consequences but the hope would be that in the short term they’d give him a wake up call in terms of how the situation impacts his family.

You may be right, in which case I will have egg on my face! I’ll wait and see if she does come back, but I’m not holding my breath.

Sounds like poor old sausage has OCD.

I say leave him now.
It won’t get better. That’s the way he is wired. 25 yrs it took me before I worked it out and extracted myself.

My husband is too slow for me and I'm too fast for him. I don't understand the pace of them either, but I suspect he will live longer than me. Or maybe it will just feel like it....

You know what he's like so next time you get the nappies and he holds the baby.

Well said I totally agree
the behaviour didn't just pop up from nowhere .
you cant change a 40 plus year old .

🤣🤣🤣