Am I intolerant and unreasonable or would you also find this infuriating?

[Rewpf]

I feel like I’m going mad at times.

DP takes forever to do anything.

Toilet is 20 mins (I know that seems a theme for a lot of men), getting shoes on….

Dd 2.5’s bedtime…it doesn’t matter when DP starts bedtime, it will always take over an hour for her to be asleep. I cannot understand it. It takes me around 20 mins for quick teeth brush, vitamins and fresh pyjamas. It really messes with her routine.

We went to the beach the other day and me and DD had got changed and ready to leave the beach in the time it had taken DP to brush off his feet and put socks and shoes on again.

Walking… everything is an amble. We needed wipes from the car due to a nappy emergency when out recently. I was holding DD in a difficult position while I watched him casually walk over to the car park. Nothing is done at speed, ever.

We got in the car yesterday and as he got in I suggested the name of a pub for Saturday lunch. Rather than turning the engine on and talking as we go, he sort of slumped into his seat and wanted to get into a big conversation about it whilst we were stationery.

Leaving the house… absolutely horrific. Every small task includes a pause. Shoes on, sit and pause. Stand up, pause. Pick up bag or water etc, pause. often this leads to DD getting really bored and waiting at the door to go out, I even plan it to make sure she starts getting ready with me a bit later on so she’s not waiting around but it simply doesn’t work. He’s always after us.

Dinner… unless we eat out or I’ve cooked, he will have dinner around 9:3-10:30. I have spoken about this so many times…he will insist he wants to cook and I don’t want to put a downer on it but the hours will go by and he doesn’t actually start it.

Shopping. Heaven help me if we stop for petrol and he wants to ‘nip in’ to the shop. Me and DD waited in the car for 25 minutes at a petrol station with a tiny spar shop inside, while he spent an absolute age in there.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is done quickly. He’s not got any health issues. Early 40s.

For transparency I am quite the opposite to this and can be a bit full on the other way…I’ll have several jobs done within a few minutes, for example. I don’t know if I’m being unfair, it drives me mad but perhaps I need to be more understanding and patient?! He’s a good dad generally and good to me mostly but this makes me feel I’m going crazy!

Sounds infuriating! My husband does the same and we have twins. He's sooo slow to do stuff, it's painful

Posts like this show why we need the laughing emoji reaction back!

Yeah and you’ve done all the work.

Weaponised incompetence.

So basically an extra child op has to manage and do the thinking for.

I've always said, if these men were genuinely this clueless, incapable and useless they'd never have survived to adulthood. Id put money on this being nothing more than purposeful strategic incompetence and a show of his perceived superiority and intent to control his family

The walking slowly during the nappy incident is not on, however on most the other issues I feel you are being a bit unreasonable. I’m afraid I have some sympathy for your DH as I am dyspraxic so anything physical takes me twice as long as people who don’t have to concentrate on exactly what their hands or feet are doing (so I don’t trip or drop things). I also have OCD so am easily distracted by intrusive thoughts and often have to concentrate on trying to ignore those thoughts while still accomplishing other tasks.

Your DH might not be diagnosed, but it’s entirely possible he has one of these conditions too - especially at a lower level, as they are fairly commonplace. I manage them by making sure I allow myself more time to do things than many other people would probably need. It still often really annoys some of my family/friends though, (even though I have been medically diagnosed)- because like most disabilities, you can’t fully understand them unless you have them. “Why can’t you be quicker?” Because I physically can’t! 😡 Do you think I wouldn’t like to do things more quickly? Your choice is to do it yourself or give me more time to do it.

I am Luke your husband - I am very laidback and don’t like rushing, though he is slower than me as I don’t cook late etc. You both sound like two extremes - either accept each other or move on from him

I wish I could thank this comment more.

Op I'm sure you'll have done this but have you tried, 'DC needs to eat by 6.30pm, or 'we need to leave by 12 noon'? Definite times to aim for. I'd be tempted to just leave at the time you said. If he's only go one shoe on, so be it.

If he can be at work on time, be at meetings on time and generally be efficient at work then I’d suspect he CAN do things quicker but is choosing not to.

EDIT to add:
Start to use natural consequences.
Nappy leak: HE hold tge baby with shit all over whilst you find the wipes. Slowly.
Cooking: tell him. You’re hungry. If things aren’t ready by 7.30pm, you’ll make your own (quick/easy) meal
Etc….

This would drive me round the fucking bend, YANBU

My DH used to be like this but since we had a kid it’s really put a rocket up him! Christ I don’t envy you op - it’s unreasonable behaviour and you must feel he’s not really behaving as a partner for you. Id be telling him he needs to speed up as I’m not prepared to waste hours days months of my life waiting for him! If he cannot multitask to any degree I’d expect some type of neuro divergence. Seems odd if it’s so extreme yet he’s never had anyone else call him out on it!

@Rewpf You need to copy/paste the OP into the thread about how people don't stay soppy in love for decades. It would help her understand why "in love" dwindles somewhat over time.
I have one similar, and it's only going to get worse with age unfortunately. I am very glad of the fact that I also wind him up with my little ways, so it all balances out 😆
It's a shame no one smokes anymore, because you will be doing a lot of standing about going mental so it would be a great hobby.

@babyproblems if there are some ND, then up to him to find what arrangements work well further him to ensure he isn’t been a liability to everyone else.

Plus let’s be honest there, taking your time to get wipes whilst your dwife is holding a baby covered in shit isnt an executive issue. Theres an element of choice there

This is pretty extreme but I can relate. DH walks very slow, and it drives me crazy. If a glass breaks and I ask him to hurry and help with the dogs or clean up, he still moves slowly, and even then stands there sort of confused needs to be told directly what to do rather than just grabbing the dogs while I get cleaning! If he offers to go to the grocery store, I know it will take 45 minutes to get one or two things that I could grab in 5 minutes. He has never been one to jump in and help with getting the family out the door, lik when DC was little he never once helped with coats or shoes or the stroller but would announce, "I'm ready!" while I was running around getting myself and DC ready. Even if he knows we are running late and I have to do three quick things and the dogs need to go out, he doesn't ever offer to take the dogs out or do one of those three things. His only offer of help is to "get the car started." I know he isn't doing this out of spite, but either because he is used to me taking charge (someone must!) or because he is literally oblivious. The other thing I notice is that he just doesn't seem to know what to do when it comes to domestic stuff and it's like he is looking at me to tell him. He's very successful with work, but when it comes to home, nearly useless. Look, it's a MAJOR turn off and I get it. I also feel enormous resentment.

Another one wondering how he copes at work? What does he do?
It stresses me out reading about it!

My DH is not as bad but definitely a faffer, disorganised and can’t do several things at the same time. I am super efficient and can’t stand faffing! I usually just get stuff done myself which matters to me or would cause problems for the kids, if it’s just causing inconvenience for him I let him get on with it in his own time. If we are all going somewhere I keep reminding him every 10 mins that we are leaving at this exact time, if he is ready or not.
He has been told off at work for this as he is pretty much always late and is disorganised, luckily he is very senior/ special skills and they can’t do without him.
It drives me nuts sometimes but I’ve learnt that this is just the way he is.

What's he like at work re timekeeping and deadlines? If he's the same, has he had any feedback on how to improve his focus?

I think there's probably an element of learnef helplessness here so he doesnt have to do certain boring fiddly tasks that he knows you breeze through.

You need to talk before you get the big ick

😂

And you would still be faster than him on one leg.

That would drive me up a wall. Is he that slow at his job?

Dinner at 9:30 or 10pm, his time management sucks. What's your kid supposed to do?

Me too.
OP this would drive me insane

My partner is 💯 like this and it drives me fucking loopy, you have my sympathy!

So the upshot is that you end up doing just about everything as he just faffs?

But he can get to work/appointments on time?

Same. I felt like I went through the whole thing myself 😅

My MIL is like this. If there was a faffing Olympics she could represent her country.

It drives me mad - it drives everyone in her family mad. I would never, ever, in a billion years marry someone like this. I suspect for my FIL people didn't live together before they married so he had no idea what he was taking on and was too traditional to divorce. I honestly think she faffed him to an early grave with the stress of it.

It sounds like executive dysfunction to me. Look it up, it may help.

honestly you have to leave him to it. nappy emergency let him hold dd and you go and get the wipes.

let him run errands alone. if going to an event, let him make his own way.

don't get drawn into arguments about it, it will drive you mad.
regarding feeding the children, remind him the kids can't wait so if he's cooking he has to start earlier OR let the children wait and he deals with the consequences.

things that are time sensitive do them separately, dont get involved. if he's doing dinner or breakfast for the kids remove yourself from the situation dont get drawn into the mire.