Autism and ‘lazy parenting’

[BlueDusky]

I read comments on threads sometimes that suggest that parents seek a diagnosis of autism or ADHD for their children to excuse poor behaviour due to lazy parenting. I don’t think these comments are fair - I would argue that most people who want their child to have an assessment because they believe they may have additional unmet needs do so not because they want an excuse for poor behaviour but they care about their child and want the best outcomes for them. Surely a lazy parent would be one who ignore their child’s needs?

Or I read comments like ‘they still need to be taught to live in the real world’. The inference being that if your autistic child cannot live ‘in the real world’ you have somehow failed them as a parent. As a parent of a child with higher support needs, who medical professionals have said is unlikely to ever live independently, I find posts and comments like these to be insensitive at times. What’s worse is these comments will often come from other parents of autistic children. If you have an autistic child who is successful don’t act like that’s all down to your fantastic parenting it’s probably down to luck and the fact they have lower support needs.

Maybe I am being unreasonable to allow these comments to irk me.

You are assuming that all parents of autistic children are the same and, like their children, they are not. Your situation is different as your son has greater support needs but this isn’t the case for a large number of other children. There are a huge amount of children in mainstream education who are diagnosed with autism but who present and behave in very different ways. They also have many different support needs. Family set up is part of that, some parents DO see the autism diagnosis as reason to sit back and do nothing for their child ‘because that’s who he is, he’s not going to change’. However, there is a big difference between being hit by a dysregulated 6-year-old and a dysregulated 20 year old. It isn’t wrong to try and help your child’s life be an easier ride for them by desensitising them to some of their triggers and providing them with strategies to cope with the rest.

With respect, I don’t think Mumsnet represents the full autism community (or even a fraction of it) so try not to view those comments as criticism towards you. We all do the best that we can with the cards we are dealt.

yanbu op

I used to work with autistic adults and we always had to put boundaries and consequences in place. A 6 foot man having a tantrum is dangerous and we would end up calling the police which is traumatic gor everyone. I do know several autistic children whose parents seem to have given up.

I have an autistic young adult who is (currently at least) successful. It is 100% down to him being very academic, having lower needs than many others with ASD and having found his niche. It has also taken a lot of time, effort and support on my part and I've been fortunate in not having to also work full time.

Lazy parenting is not going to cut it with even a 'high functioning' child with ASD, if your child has what would have been classic autism then it's a whole other world of challenges and the idea that you would have the chance to lazy parent is frankly just a joke. Tell that to the mum who is cleaning smeared shit off the walls at 4am having not slept all night!

I think also a lot of parents find that their child doesn't respond to any kind of boundary/request/punishment perhaps due to a diagnosed or undiagnosed PDA profile (thought to occur in 20% of those with ASD). I'd imagine that low demand parenting could easily resemble lazy parenting.

But people love to be extremely judgemental especially about things they have no idea about - so what can you do?

A tantrum? Do you mean an autistic meltdown? I really hope not.

My experience as a parent of an autistic child is that I work ten times harder for half the results.

Like everything, there are variables. You can be the best parent in the world but if your child's needs are high, they may never be able to be independent.

Or you can be a terrible parent and your child's needs may br relatively manageable but instead they eill suffer their whole.life because you didn't have the skills to equip them with what they need.

I know families in both camps.

What I observe about the good parents, is that no matter how severe their children's needs are they are constantly seeking to help their children do more, achieve more, manage more. They are never passive. They advocate and research and fight and spend years supporting and helping their children.

The weak parents throw up their hands and say, "I cant do anything". They expect everyone else to always accommodate their child and have little understanding of the long term implications. They do very little to help their child manage their own specific challenges.

2 of my dc are autistic.

One is thriving and living by himself at uni. The other will probably never leave home, she cannot cope by herself at all (there is also a health condition thrown in there too).

Not lazy parenting, it's parenting the kids I have in the best way I can.

I've had a lot of advice through the years usually from people who haven't got a clue thinking a sticker chart, or a good smack will help matters, and they get offended when I say that the stuff that works for their NT child won't work for my ND child.

@Sandy420 agree 100% with your post.

My dc are all autistic, raising them (and parenting them now they’re adults) is hard. There’s no lazy parenting involved at all.

The worst part of parenting my children was having to deal with the people who didn’t believe me. The teachers, many of the “professionals” involved, CAMHS, certain family members, other parents of autistic children whose children didn’t have violent meltdowns. I had years of being accused of being a shit parent, of being gaslighted by people who’d rather assume I was lying about the issues we faced (even though we had tons of evidence). Sadly this is how it is for many families.

I’m through the shitty phase now, thankfully, but I can’t put into words how distressing and traumatising it was having to manage a really difficult situation with very little support and a bunch of professional people being as useful as chocolate fireguards and often obstructive and vindictive, and sadly the vast majority of those with no experience of autism are very happy to see us demonised and uphold the lies told about us.

People need to realise it's a huge spectrum and just because someone some autistic people are able to adapt it doesn't mean all can
My autistic son was diagnosed at three at 15 he remains non verbal and has a limited understanding of the world around him its nothing to do with parenting, his rare chromosome disorder probably didn't help

I think this is unfair.

At one point I’d have been considered the weak parent in your scenario, but in truth I was severely burnt out, had CPTSD from dealing with obstructive and dishonest professionals and reached a point where, beyond basic daily tasks and the bare minimum to get through the day, I could barely function. I’m not alone in that either.

We all have our limits. Unless you walk in their shoes you have no idea whether they are crap or whether they’ve been pushed beyond their limits too many times. There’s little to no support out there, schools are awful for autistic children, you can’t see what home life is like, whether they are also autistic, whether they have supportive families. It’s unfair to judge. But plenty of people judge us unfairly, and there’s not a lot we can do about it apart from learning how to protect ourselves and our families and develop a very thick skin!

This!

my DSS is autistic and his mother is a permissive parent who has no way of controlling him so he does what he pleases.

my DP however, his dad, has done the hard graft (toilet training, enforcing boundaries such as not hitting or basic manners like waiting until we’re all at the dinner table to eat, encouraging him to speak more, teaching him to read). Without his dad he’d be in nappies with far more limited speech and wouldn’t even pick up a book. Getting him to join his siblings for bedtime stories at 3 was really tough but now he pores over books all day long, has several stories read to him at bedtime and is able to read early phonics books. His mom does none of this with him and uses the excuse of his autism, but truth be told she never did any of this before his diagnosis was made and even intitally refuted my DP’s claim that DSS was neurodiverse claiming he was perfectly normal (he was 3 and could only say 4 words and said them about once a week).

parents of neurodiverse children are just the same as those of neurotypical children, in that they run the whole gamut from abusive to angels.

I think there is more of a push for diagnosis now because support in schools is so poor it's really only available to children or parents that shout loudest. I would also point out that a significant proportion of autistic kids have autistic parents, trying to advocate for your child against a broken system that doesn't work for them when you have your own social communication issues makes it more challenging, particularly when they get to secondary and there is pretty much zero communication and every school event is just an experience poor crowd control.

I do think that for some parents of autistic children it can feel at times that ‘giving up’ is easier as it is not the case that you get ‘quick’ results when trying to establish boundaries etc with an autistic child.
My friend has a high needs autistic child, he needs 1:2 support at special school and will never live independently. Honestly I’ve been surprised at some their parenting choices which are poor regardless of your child having autism or not. Hours of screen time until very late into the night to the point where a five year old was quoting from Friday 13th as he went down such a rabbit hole on YouTube. No attempts to stop poor behaviour, turning it into a game so it gets worse. Getting annoyed when a child minder mentioned how challenging their child was. It is clear that some of their parenting choices haven’t helped their child. Could I do any better with no experience of having a severely autistic child? I like to think so but until it happens to you it’s impossible to say.

i don’t see much ‘lazy parenting’ in the adult autistic/ learning disabled patients I see.
i have never met a parent who has not been desperately trying to improve their child’s quality of life and independence
some autistic people need a lot of intensive parenting, others need a more hands off approach - for example sensory overload or meltdowns need withdrawal sometimes
many autistic people sleep very poorly and parents have years of exhaustion that most of us only have with a newborn
I’m the mum of a nearly 18 year old autistic son who is sitting beside me with headphones on as he can’t stand the noise of me drinking tea.
there isn’t much support out there, he is my youngest and my parenting was constantly criticised despite all his siblings doing well. Took a lot of effort continually to say it’s the autism not my parenting over the years

Totally this

Thid

Totally this

This. I have 3 autistic children. We call it extreme parenting .

Autism is very varied in presentation and outcomes so it is not possible to generalise but as a parent of a now autistic adult diagnosed at 2 we had very good medical advice to put in firm boundaries and stick to them because they need to adapt to the world - this approach worked for us. You can’t allow growing children or adults to behave however they wish. I can’t tell whether the fact my dd is female, the fact she had comprehensive early intervention (20 hours per week, funded by federal government in a specialist centre), or simply quite frankly we were fortunate because as an adult she copes well now, it took until mid 20’s she’s behind her peers developmentally but continued to gain abilities into her 20’s. She lives independently now. Was it down to my approach? Can’t know but I personally think it did

I've got two autistic (Asperger's) DS's. One's always been very academic, organised and very well-behaved. I've always received a lot of praise for my parenting.

My other DS is now a lovely young man and also very bright but I did struggle with his behaviour when he was younger and he's 'failed to launch' (stupid phrase). I've always received a lot of criticism for my parenting.

There's a moral in there somewhere...

I have a ds9 who has both autism and ADHD and my other ds5 is neurotypical. Honestly my autistic child requires so much more parenting than his younger brother, it's almost at a micro management level because he is largely incapable of making safe decisions or remembering what to do next ect.
I have to be aware of everything around us to head off meltdowns before they happen whilst allowing him to be able to engage with everyday life. I have to be calm and stable when meltdowns happen to keep him safe when he is incapable. There so much more that I do that I can't even think of right now
It's exhausting and I do this every single day but the reward is a settled, happy little boy who knows he is safe and well regulated. He is essentially well trained with lots of coping mechanisms so he can be a part of the wider world.
The only parents who are 'lazy' to use your term are either completely burned out trying to cope or in denial about the extent of the child's needs so are permissive to avoid the bigger issues.
Now people using autism to excuse bad behaviour is another issue entirely

This sounds dangerously like making the autistic child fit in with what is deemed normal rather than the world adapting to suit the child. Fair play to reading etc but waiting until others are sitting at the table before they eat?! I bet that child bottles everything up and saves the meltdowns for the mother. Making an autistic child fit in with your version of what is normal is not a triumph, it's a tragedy.

Not at all. When I refer to weak parents, I'm talking about the ones who have never made the effort, not ones who are doing their bloody best and sometimes fail or who need a break. Let me ask you this - when you were at your absolute lowest ebb, did you feel lie you could/should be doing more, even though you were totally burnt out and just couldn't do it? Or did you think, "fuck it, my children are ND so if they are unable to function, there's nothing I can do?" I'm guessing the former becuase otherwise you wouldn't have got burnt out in the first place - you'd have been just letting it slide. I feel for you because that exhaustion is such a huge problem and I've spoken to so many parents of ND children who are doing their best but are just absolutely worn down by it all.

Most parents want the best for their children, of course. But there are definitely some who aren't able to do the work, whether their child is ND or NT. And in the case of ND children, I think these parents are happy to throw up their hands and say, "well, it wasn't our fault - he's ND so that's the way he is."

My DH is a wonderful parent in so many ways, but I think if I'm completely honest, without me, I don't think this would be true. He's brilliant at putting the time in, being with the DC etc, but the art of considering the bigger picture or adapting his behaviour or providing the scaffolding that DS needs just doesn't come naturally to him and on some level, he didn't think it was necessary. I've had to educate and prove and support him on this.

This is not true of his parents or siblings - who between them have at least 3 ND children, none of whom have been or are being parented well.

ETA - in my DH's case, he has never been a lazy parent. If anything, his issue is that he would just not have recognised the ND in the first place and still struggles to separate ND behaviours from behaviours that are just normal for a child of that age.

I've seen parents who've been called into school repeatedly about their child's disruptive behaviour pretty much jump at the chance of a ND diagnosis. The focus is then (in their eyes) taken off their parenting and their child's behaviour is no longer their responsibility. These are kids from chaotic homes who desperately need stability and nurturing, whether they are actually ND or not, but the parents are unable or unwilling to provide and prioritise that. It's painful to watch.

I'm diagnosed autistic myself.