Autism and ‘lazy parenting’

[BlueDusky]

I read comments on threads sometimes that suggest that parents seek a diagnosis of autism or ADHD for their children to excuse poor behaviour due to lazy parenting. I don’t think these comments are fair - I would argue that most people who want their child to have an assessment because they believe they may have additional unmet needs do so not because they want an excuse for poor behaviour but they care about their child and want the best outcomes for them. Surely a lazy parent would be one who ignore their child’s needs?

Or I read comments like ‘they still need to be taught to live in the real world’. The inference being that if your autistic child cannot live ‘in the real world’ you have somehow failed them as a parent. As a parent of a child with higher support needs, who medical professionals have said is unlikely to ever live independently, I find posts and comments like these to be insensitive at times. What’s worse is these comments will often come from other parents of autistic children. If you have an autistic child who is successful don’t act like that’s all down to your fantastic parenting it’s probably down to luck and the fact they have lower support needs.

Maybe I am being unreasonable to allow these comments to irk me.

But they don’t though, do they.

If there is an issue with more and more children meeting the criteria for a diagnosis of autism or adhd why is no one looking at what’s going wrong in society that’s causing this?

Parents aren’t suddenly worse than they were 20/50 years ago. Life, however, is far more stressful and high pressured than it’s ever been in my lifetime. Schools are putting pressure on children in a way that just didn’t happen before, and the numbers of children not coping is rising quickly.

Rather than these constant and lazy accusations of over diagnosis and shit parents, why can’t something productive be done to make life better and easier for everyone, rather than piling up the blame and judgement? It’s not like the current approach is helping anyone.

Well you've just described my life minus the EHCPS and I would describe myself as low need and that is mainly down to pip to keep me at that level of independence

I think what is interesting with ADHD is that it has increased over 80% in the last decade with diagnosis while bipolar has decreased by 90%.

It’s tough, my dds were so easy and I never got judged on my parenting. Now I work so much harder but have to justify myself.

We're moving away from grading as understanding increases that autism isn't actually a sliding scale of "hardly affected" to "severely affected. Thankfully we now know more about it.

It is interesting. I know a whole family who were pretty much all diagnosed bipolar, over 3 generations, until one was rediagnosed as autistic and adhd, and from that point all realised that that was far more appropriate for all of them, and the strategies that tend to work for ASD/ADHD worked far better for them than chemical/drug regime that many of them were on. It’s been life changing for them.

It stands to reason that humans aren’t all the same. I do think that for many of us it’s living/existing in unsuitable environments that disables us. That’s not to say that ASD/adhd aren’t disabilities, they are, but I wonder if the context of modern life is a factor.

It stands to reason that humans aren’t all the same. I do think that for many of us it’s living/existing in unsuitable environments that disables us. That’s not to say that ASD/adhd aren’t disabilities, they are, but I wonder if the context of modern life is a factor.

Absolutely. And in lots of different ways. Modern life might well be one factor. Another is how many children with ND were simply missed/abandoned by the system? Looking back as an adult on kids in my school - I wonder how many of the "naughty" or "stupid" ones were really just ND and weren't accomodated in our environment? At our school reunion, one was very open about subsequently receiving a diagnosis and how that has reframed his understanding of his schooling and how he has gone on in life - with a successful career, a family etc.

DS' doctor has made the point to us repeatedly that part of the problem is that at this age, children have little control. But that many of ht ethings he finds difficult he will be able to avoid or find ways to mitigate that are more natural when he is older. But that our systems are simply not set up for that currently.

I absolutely believe modern life to be an issue. We weren't designed to be sitting at desks for hours on end or on computer games or stuck in houses day after day and then wonder why we struggle? I don't think it comes as any surprise. Nor when you look at trauma either and how that can present too. Again a result of modern life.

Yes, I often look back at my schooldays and realise that we were there in the numbers that we are there now, but things felt a bit easier maybe, and more of us didn’t reach crisis point in the way that’s happening now. We were definitely there though.

My son was home educated for a few years, that was a total game changer for him. If he’d managed to get through the school system I’m certain he’d be completely off the rails now. Being at home meant that he was with people who understood him and could meet his needs. We had no violent meltdowns at all once out of school. My dad is very similar to him, but school in the 40/50s was much easier to get through.

As I said thank goodness you aren’t deciding what is and isn’t low need. What I’ve described re my dc has been described as high need by various professionals and services.

I wonder how it works in diseases like cancer. I suppose there are levels there. I'm guessing having stage 1 cancer doesn't mean it's hunky dory, some days you'll feel as terrible as someone in stage 3. But it's a way of knowing the severity of the cancer and how likely it will kill you. Though perhaps no ailments should have levels at all?

Autism isn’t cancer. The two are entirely different.

It’s not really like cancer though is it? Cancer is staged on disease progression not how unwell you feel.

I think it’s difficult with autism as support needs can vary over time and also ‘spiky’ profiles - I’ve noticed people often can’t get their head around that being able to X does not mean you can do Y (which is a reasonable assumption in a NT person).

Also ‘low support needs’ does not mean ‘no
support needs’ but that’s how people often seem to interpret it.

It’s all very subjective - up thread someone commented that with low support needs you can use your PIP to help, but to me low support needs wouldn’t qualify for PIP. In my mind if you qualify for PIP you must have more substantial support needs.

I’d class myself as having low support needs. I don’t get PIP and wouldn’t qualify for it. I am able to work part time with reasonable adjustments. I don’t often leave the house, but that doesn’t bother me - I’m content at home and have no real need or desire to leave my house. But when I do have to leave the house, I need support to do so.

There very much is if you talk to a range of professionals who diagnose and who work with service users (and service users)

As I said, some are and some aren’t.

i work in education and encounter challenging behaviour all day long. Some teachers are great at handling behaviour and others aren’t.

Facing challenging behaviour isn’t the determining factor it’s a combination of personality and the training/help/research/self-reflection to continually face new challenges and adapt to them. Plus having the emotional reserves to cope (so when your life is in tumult it’s a lot harder to cope and that’s true of parents of autistic and non-autistic children).

Exactly this. And wanting diagnosis to pursue DLA/extra UC/no benefit cap etc.

Not sure who your quoting but a diagnosis of ASD does not guarantee DLA it goes off need.

Sorry @x2boys I was quoting @MageQueen. Yes, I know it's not about the diagnosis itself but there is a whole industry around diagnosis and how to get benefits for ASD/ADHD. A lot of money being made in various ways.

An autism diagnosis does not get you dla, extra uc etc. 4 in our house and only 1 gets pip and extra UC. She was told to apply for both, the latter by the department that allocates it.

Rubbish

Quite a blanket statement. I think a couple of people have said there will be good parents or bad parents, autistic children regardless. There will be truthful people claiming benefits and there will be chancers. Having kids with autism doesn't rid people from the weaknesses all humans share. That said, I also completely agree parenting an autistic child can look different to the norm.

You’re right, autism doesn’t rid people of human weaknesses, but it sure attracts dicks ready to judge them to the hills and back based on no lived experience of autism and who hold us to a standard that other parents are not.

I get what you are
saying on some ways
I have said this before on various threads I'm on a DLA Facebook group and every day people are putting in claims for very tenuous reasons and honestly I think some people join the group to get ideas about what to put on the forms to substantiate their claim
But putting in a claim means nothing you need evidence that backs up the claim .

Let me ask where my child could sit on a "scaled" definition of autism:
Mute when overwhelmed
Violent
Cannot read or write at age 13
Can toilet
Verbal
Loud verbal stims ?????

Autism doesnt fit neatly into boxes.

Spikey profiles exist and no system is perfect.
And some people can and do fall between the categories.