Autism and ‘lazy parenting’

[BlueDusky]

I read comments on threads sometimes that suggest that parents seek a diagnosis of autism or ADHD for their children to excuse poor behaviour due to lazy parenting. I don’t think these comments are fair - I would argue that most people who want their child to have an assessment because they believe they may have additional unmet needs do so not because they want an excuse for poor behaviour but they care about their child and want the best outcomes for them. Surely a lazy parent would be one who ignore their child’s needs?

Or I read comments like ‘they still need to be taught to live in the real world’. The inference being that if your autistic child cannot live ‘in the real world’ you have somehow failed them as a parent. As a parent of a child with higher support needs, who medical professionals have said is unlikely to ever live independently, I find posts and comments like these to be insensitive at times. What’s worse is these comments will often come from other parents of autistic children. If you have an autistic child who is successful don’t act like that’s all down to your fantastic parenting it’s probably down to luck and the fact they have lower support needs.

Maybe I am being unreasonable to allow these comments to irk me.

Catagorising into levels isn’t helpful to anybody. The support needs levels acknowledges need can change,it states “These levels are not static and can change due to various factors” It doesn’t even say all who have level 3 needs are non verbal. One of my children has fluctuated between all 3. It does not say level 3 will never live independent and said levels tell you v little about individual need. You can’t straight jacket autistic people either, need can vary in differing traits.

Level 3 autism, also known as "requiring very substantial support," is characterized by significant challenges in social communication and interaction, as well as inflexible behaviors and restricted interests that severely impact daily functioning. Individuals at this level often require intensive support in all areas of life, including communication, social interaction, and adapting to new situations.

Autism isn’t over diagnosed it’s under diagnosed.

Is this just your opinion or do you have some research to back you up on this?

I said it's what happens in America
Labelling it all just as autism certainly isn't helpful to my son who
There are some people who will never be independent and will always need a high level of care in all areas of life to keep them safe as they don't have the basic understanding to do l it themselves
Pretending these people don't exist is yet agsin silencing them.

I think dismissing anybody who isn’t like your son and demanding incorrect labelling and the shoving of disabled people into incorrect boxes is actually an attempt at silencingThere are learning disabilities in addition to autism

Nope it’s well known that women and girls have been massively under diagnosed for years and that it’s hugely difficult to get a diagnosis now. 9 years in some places.

I'm not demanding anything neither am I dismissing anyone who isn't like my son
I said it's what happens IN AMERICA not thst I invented the levels myself if you want to complain, complain to America not me
And stop twisting what i said.

You do not speak for all autistic people. Some people find the categories helpful.

You don’t either. Everybody I know doesn’t. How are they helpful? How does putting my dc into boxes re care they will move in and out of and don’t necessarily fit completely help them? Levels aren’t used in the UK-for good reason.

Thats rich from the person who twisted the levels.

"Levels" are used diagnostically in the UK - I have a Level 2 autism diagnosis, following an NHS assessment.

I agree with a PP - some bad / lazy parenting can result in children who behave in ways that resemble autism. It's clearly not the same, but it takes time to unpick "child having tantrum because mum said no about sweets and when he tantrums enough mum gives in" from, for example, "very loud bright environment with too many people but we have to stay here so mum is doing her best to keep child calm".

Re adapting to the world as an adult - one of the brilliant things about being an adult is that I can choose my environment, work etc. Very different from school where there is noise, chaos, (sometimes contradictory/confusing) instructions, high levels of social interaction etc. I function much better as an adult, but that doesn't invalidate my diagnosis.

Gaslighting as in me saying xyz is happening and being told it wasn’t. Behaviour happening in front of me and a teacher and it being denied. Being told by various TAs how he was doing in the classroom and all teachers over 4 years denying it and obstructing any support, even very simple things.

I haven't twisted anything
You clearly have a narrative here and im not sure whst you hope to achieve from it but I'm not engaging with you anymore.

While it is true that women and girls have been under diagnosed, and it can be difficult to get a diagnosis, that does not take away from the fact that many professionals and researchers think that the definition of autism has become too broad and that we are overpathologising in children what is part of the normal human condition.
Alongside this is the thought that autism is being misdiagnosed, and that other conditions such as DLDs are being mislabelled.

There is also a large body of research into the overlap between the presentation of attachment disorders and autism.

My husband is always coming out with shit like "he will have to fall in line" regarding our autistic 7 year old who is quite extreme in a lot of things he won't tolerate. Of course he has 0 input with the parenting so he can fuck right off

There are levels in lots of countries too, its very likely the severity scaling will be brought back in the UK too, currently the term is meaningless.

The problem is overdiagnosis OP which has fundamentally changed the meaning of the word autism. Your child is high needs, sounds autistic. Many 'autistic' children are no more 'neuro diverse' than your average person. They could amd should learn to manage their behaviour where it negatively impacts on others. Having a diagnosis in these cases can do more harm than good.

This - we medicalise behaviours and emotions that are within a normal range far to readily. Its similar with depression. You have very high levels of it diagnosed in deprived areas like the welsh valleys, where live is frankly speaking, difficult. There's a lot of poverty, a lack of good jobs etc. Are people depressed or are they having a normal emotional reaction to shit circumstances?

Could not agree more.

I spent the morning yesterday in a classroom of children for who autism is definitely not their ‘superpower’. We need a way of discriminating between these children and their needs and the needs of the ‘type 1’ children who need a different type of support.

No chance at all of that happening.

I am the parent to a 22 year old who has dyspraxia, ADHD and who has strong autistic traits too. He has only been diagnosed in the last couple of years, and that's because all the way through school there was not one comment from any teacher about his behaviour or attitude.

It's lazy to think that all people who are neurodiverse are the same. The most offensive thing I have seen for a while was a comment that ADHD isn't really a thing, most children/people who struggle with those issues have foetal alcohol syndrome.

Why not? Terms are already emerging as people try to differentiate between differing needs and presentations. I hear Autism with learning difficulties, autism with challenging behaviour, triple A, and even Type 1 used quite regularly.

Just to be clear, ‘a good smack’ helps NO child.

Seriously?!

A tantrum is what small children do when they're angry they can't get their own way. The same behaviour in an adult is deliberate verbal or physical abuse, controlling manipulative behaviour or an anger management issue, as applicable (and possibly all of those at once).

A meltdown is what autistic people of any age sometimes do because they're overwhelmed emotionally/sensorially and can't cope with whatever situation they're in. It's not caused by anger (although anger may sometimes be one of the emotions present at the time, same as any other emotion they could be feeling). It's not deliberate manipulation to get their own way, they're not in control of when/where it happens and can't choose to stop it. It's a symptom of their ASD and part of their disability.