Autism and ‘lazy parenting’

[BlueDusky]

I read comments on threads sometimes that suggest that parents seek a diagnosis of autism or ADHD for their children to excuse poor behaviour due to lazy parenting. I don’t think these comments are fair - I would argue that most people who want their child to have an assessment because they believe they may have additional unmet needs do so not because they want an excuse for poor behaviour but they care about their child and want the best outcomes for them. Surely a lazy parent would be one who ignore their child’s needs?

Or I read comments like ‘they still need to be taught to live in the real world’. The inference being that if your autistic child cannot live ‘in the real world’ you have somehow failed them as a parent. As a parent of a child with higher support needs, who medical professionals have said is unlikely to ever live independently, I find posts and comments like these to be insensitive at times. What’s worse is these comments will often come from other parents of autistic children. If you have an autistic child who is successful don’t act like that’s all down to your fantastic parenting it’s probably down to luck and the fact they have lower support needs.

Maybe I am being unreasonable to allow these comments to irk me.

It’s not a severity scale it’s a levelling of need which they acknowledge can fluctuate, as such it’s pointless. Pointless anyway as different people require the support they need and will be given accordingly. A fluctuating level will make diddly squat difference. Hence it not being used here and not likely to be.

Rubbish! It’s the other way round. Far too many autistic women and girls being diagnosed with BPD.

And no many professionals and researchers do not think that the definition of autism has become too broad and that we are overpathologising in children what is part of the normal human condition. Far from it. That’s your hobby horse.

Definitely not widely. We have 4 recent NHS diagnoses and they weren’t used with us- for good reason.

Children do not fluctuate between being non verbal (as in not able to speak at all, not just because of overwhelm), not toilet trained, violent, severely disabled by autism, and being able to speak, read, learn, take exams, get a job, have a relationship etc. albeit with support along the way.
We need to be able to differentiate.

Well your levelling system disagrees.

I have suspected autism and adhd, awaiting assessment and only first mentioned to me in my 40s when in yet another bad mental health spell after decades of depression and anxiety diagnoses and many many different antidepressants none of which have every worked. My 3 year old is awaiting assessment and I flip flop wildly between yes they are autistic and we need a demand avoidance approach, which works much better and no I'm just a terrible mother and I need to be firmer. It's not helped by lots of people saying they think he's fine and he's just 3, nursery trying to send me on parenting courses and my own family telling me I'm not firm enough. I have tried firm, I've got very cross on occasion and felt awful about it afterwards and it's always made things ten times worse. We are not permissive, we have rules and red lines, we just don't enforce boundaries that don't really matter. I'm sure lots of people think I'm a lazy parent but I'm struggling every day and constantly beating myself up about my parenting. Maybe he is autistic and maybe he. isn't, the GP referred him so it's not a clear no at this stage.

This is so true, but again, there are different skill levels for parents and the weaer parents find it even HARDER to get a diagnosis and support. I don't actually blame them for this - the system should not rely on parents having the skills and emotional IQ to fight the system, but it is part of the problem.

I know two families with children who are most likely ND. Both are single (lone) mother families. Both mothers are lovely lovely people who absolutely adore their children. BUT, as others have said, their lives can be more chaotic and they simply don't have the skills. One has the building blocks in place to really fight for her child, but she just hasn't. It's bizarre. She just sort of passively accepts her child's behaviours and limitations and sort of bleats about the school not being understanding enough. eg school withdraw child from a county wide event the school was participating in because they couldn't manage her behaviour. Parent was, understandably, upset. But school had called her multiple times and ased for help. School has suggested ND and suggested referral. Without that, school can only put basic support in place and not 1-2-1 support she would need for an event like this. But the mother just somehow seems incapable of taking it forward.

the other one has had school, family and friends suggesting ND since the child was a toddler. She point blank refused to acknowledge or accept it might be something. At the same time, many of the tools that help children like her son, whether or not they have a diagnosis, she just refused to put in place. Throughout she's constantly surprised and frustrated by his behaviour. NOW, he's 10, and she's decided that YES, he does have adhd. But she's talked a LOT about Right to Choose but done nothing and in the meantime, she either ignores his behaviours or she goes off on him.

You don’t know which levelling system I’m using?

First, some parents of autistic children will be lazy because some parents of NT children are lazy (but I think its harder to be lazy with an autistic child as you get short term and long term issues)

But i actually think there are two schools of parenting thought out there for autistic children with lower support needs.

So some parents see thier role to help thier child learn to manage thier difficulties or overcome them, and others see that as akin to abuse as there are lots of dangers as the child could be masking leading to burnout or they have read lots of accounts from adults talking about ABA.

This means some parents are more inclined to leave their autistic child be and just try ensure the environment is right, wheras others might be more inclined to sort the environment as much as possible but also see if the child manage in less than ideal environments through support.

Yep - this idea that everyone is always able to be at the top of their game. You just need to pull themselves up by the boot straps, don’t you know?
Such an ableist view of people really..

Which is crazy in this particular situation because many autistic children have autistic parents. That may well not be diagnosed (yet) but still likely to develop autistic burnout and/or have issues dealing with executive dysfunction, sensory overload etc etc…. Telling them that they need to just pull themselves up and stop being lazy is well… all sorts if wrong really.

Note: I’m not saying that all autistic parents won’t be able to be good enough parents. I’ve met some amazing autistic parents. One of them had made autism, education if autistic children her special interest and she is absolutely amazing. On all levels. I also know autistic parents (of ND and NT children) that are struggling a lot and ‘aren’t great parents’ because their disability is in the way basically.

Well DSM 5 is the only one relevant to the discussion.

@MageQueen isnt it possible that both mothers are actually ND themselves and the ‘putting stuff in place’ just isn’t possible?

Like the one who knows her dc needs a referral, has talked about the Right to Chose but hasn’t (yet) because … she has ADHD herself?
Or she hasn’t seen any issue with her child because her dc’s behaviours are so similar to hers that they didnt look wrong to her?

I mean its pretty common fir parents to discover theyre ND whilst doing the assessment for their child…..

Edited to add: this was a response to a quote about over diagnosis, but the quote dropped off.

Part of this is that the school environment is pushing more children to a point where they can’t cope, and very often the only way to be supported is to have a diagnosis.

The problem isn’t that autism is being over diagnosed, it’s that far more are being found to meet the criteria than many people are comfortable with, but rather than admitting there’s a societal issue that’s causing more and more people to reach breaking point they just blame it on the people themselves.

“There is also a large body of research into the overlap between the presentation of attachment disorders and autism.”

Yes there’s a lot of research, and attachment disorders have been used against individuals and families for over a decade now, probably longer when you look at Empty Fortress type mother-blaming shit. Much of the research is just misogyny from another angle. One of the flaws in the studies (apart from the incessant search to blame mothers for autism) is that the default attachments used to model healthy attachments are from NT people. Similar to using men as default humans when it comes to healthcare, safety etc. there are too many gaps and a vulnerable group are missed out.

It’s also oft quoted by those happy to throw around comments about over diagnosis whilst not seeing the bigger picture around what these families are going through.

I don't think its lazy parenting but I also don't think its an excuse for behaviour although it might be a reason for certain behaviours. People with autism with low level care needs to an extent do need to be taught how to cope in the real world as when they become adults they will still have to follow rules and laws just like everyone else.

@MeanGreen isn’t that the Refrigerator Mother theory?I thought we had moved from that tbh.
I know a mum whose child was diagnosed autistic. She was sent to see a psychologist/psychiatrist to help with her ds behaviour 😁. That was 20 years ago. I thought this was part of history.

”if” you worked with autistic adults you’d know that people with autism have meltdowns NOT tantrums 🙄and understand why

I think there can be lazy parents of kids with ASD and also amazing parents with kids of ASD. There will be a whole range of parents as there will be for kids without ASD.

What I do find lazy with parents of kids with ASD is how they do not accommodate the needs of others like professionals and make assumptions which to me is lazy. They push for needs to be met but never offer to meet the needs of others such as teachers with ASD. I usually see lots of discrimination of teachers with ASD from parents of kids with ASD as they assume the teachers never can be ASD.

They can have both.

@feelingbleh yep I agree.
But it raises two questions
1- what do you call low level needs? Because one migut be able to mask and function well enough to hold down a job but it doesn’t automatically mean they can then look after themselves. I know someone who could work (albeit part time) but is incapable to feed herself well (as in eating not cooking something healthy/elaborate) or follow on health treatments (can’t pick up prescriptions she needs, go to appointments etc etc). But because she works, I assume you’d class her as ‘low need’
2- how do you teach that to children? Because raising autistic kids isn’t easy. It requires special knowledge and there are many different approaches that are actually contradictory. And it often means being very aware of the child’s reactions/behaviours to adjust. And being able to explain what and why with clarity whenits something that you’ve never been taught in the first place (because most NT parents function from the position children will pick up ‘right’ behaviours from ‘modelling’ them)

Yeah you’d have thought so. In truth many of the studies into attachment and the regular use of personality disorders are a repackaged version of misogynistic theories!

Why should they?
Teachers are there to do a job
I wouldn't assume any teacher to have a disability including ASD unless they told me
If teacher's need reasonable adjustment s do there job its there work place who makes them accommodation not parents .

I usually see lots of discrimination of teachers with ASD from parents of kids with ASD as they assume the teachers never can be ASD.

Do they know that said teacher has ASD?
And why accommodation if they are clearly low level needs and should adjust?

im playing the devil’s advocate there! But many people assume that working = NT or low level needs aka no accommodation…. Theres no reason why parents of ND children will be different, esp if their child has high level needs, is in a special school etc….. It will look like a different world to them

(Not saying it is 100% true. Or that autistic people who are working don’t need accommodation etc etc… I hope this is clear!)

Why should they not discriminate? They are wanting people to be inclusive by showing they don't want to be inclusive of others? Then that means they do not want to be inclusive?

Why would you want to actively discriminate against someone?

Yes teachers are there to do their job but that doesn't mean they do not have the right as a teacher with a disability for their needs to be met like all others. Why would you say their needs don't matter as they are a teacher?

Low level needs i would class as someone who can function without 24hr care so can walk and talk etc. If someone can work part time but struggles with other aspects of life I would expect them to claim pip to allow them to live independently so would class that as low level. You teach it by learning different approaches until you find out what works best for them if they can't go out the house without attacking someone then they don't have low level needs and require 24hr care. Saying he can't help it he's autistic isn't acceptable in society for someone with low level needs. People will absolutely make allowances for other people's struggles but people still need to be taught right from wrong

In one sense yanbu. But if lazy parenting exists in the neurotypical world (it does), then it definitely also exists in the neurodivergent world. A child who is ND can also be difficult by virtue of their personality, and a ND child's parent can also be ineffective. The two things aren't mutually exclusive.

But I do agree with you that the reality is that most parents just want what's right for their children. As a parent to two ND children, I am the only person who knows them well enough to advocate for them - and most parents of ND children are fuelled by the need to advocate hard, because not doing so leaves their child vulnerable.

I do think though that there is a general lack of understanding among NT people that in many cases, the parenting strategies that work with NT children do not work with ND children. That's not an excuse, it's a fact.