Autism and ‘lazy parenting’

[BlueDusky]

I read comments on threads sometimes that suggest that parents seek a diagnosis of autism or ADHD for their children to excuse poor behaviour due to lazy parenting. I don’t think these comments are fair - I would argue that most people who want their child to have an assessment because they believe they may have additional unmet needs do so not because they want an excuse for poor behaviour but they care about their child and want the best outcomes for them. Surely a lazy parent would be one who ignore their child’s needs?

Or I read comments like ‘they still need to be taught to live in the real world’. The inference being that if your autistic child cannot live ‘in the real world’ you have somehow failed them as a parent. As a parent of a child with higher support needs, who medical professionals have said is unlikely to ever live independently, I find posts and comments like these to be insensitive at times. What’s worse is these comments will often come from other parents of autistic children. If you have an autistic child who is successful don’t act like that’s all down to your fantastic parenting it’s probably down to luck and the fact they have lower support needs.

Maybe I am being unreasonable to allow these comments to irk me.

That’s not what gaslighting means but otherwise I’m 100% with you on this - same here! I also get accused of lying about it because DD was diagnosed at age 4. People either don’t believe anyone could achieve a diagnosis that soon (especially a girl) or they erroneously believe that you still cannot achieve a diagnosis before age 8 which hasn’t been the case for many years! It’s exhausting

I think there are brilliant motivated hard working parents of disabled children and some very lacklustre defeatist can’t be arsed ones. The same could be said about teachers and support workers. Surprise surprise not everyone is great at playing the hand they are dealt.

Autism is very varied in presentation and outcomes so it is not possible to generalise but as a parent of a now autistic adult diagnosed at 2 we had very good medical advice to put in firm boundaries and stick to them because they need to adapt to the world

I’m currently being advised the opposite by medical professionals - stop trying to make him adapt to the world, leave him to live his life in the way that works best for him.

We all have our limits. Unless you walk in their shoes you have no idea whether they are crap or whether they’ve been pushed beyond their limits too many times

Exactly, and this is what I’m trying to say - don’t judge, because unless you are there 24/7 you really don’t know. I’m sure I’ve looked like an ineffective parent at times, but in reality I’m autistic myself and I don’t always have the capacity to be on top form 100% of the time. I’m lucky that I have such a supportive husband.

It’s really easy to sit back and think about the great job you would do when you are not in the midst of it. As an example my DS1 (autistic) slept through the night from just two weeks old - he rarely cried and settled himself. As a first time Mum I naturally assumed this was because I had taught him to self soothe and got him into a great routine like I had read in the parenting books. Then I had DS2 - he had colic and didn’t sleep through night until he was 2 years old. I threw all the advice I had read out the window and did what I could to survive, even if that meant rubbing/patting his back for hours a night. I realised then that DS1 sleeping through at such a young age had nothing to do with me.

Honestly, what's the difference between a tantrum and an 'autistic meltdown'?

@Sandy420 yes I think this has a lot to do with it, that many people just still don’t realise that what is a great parenting model for a neurotypical child simply will often not work in the same way for a neurodivergent child. What can superficially appear like “lazy” parenting being the cause of a child’s issues to someone not well informed can actually be a great parent adapting to the realities of having a child with neurodivergence and having to deliberately choose to pick their battles or ask things in a certain way or “give in” to a “tantrum” when overwhelmed and melting down etc.

I also think that historically a lot of what was previously recognised as neurodivergence in children especially ADHD, occurred in chaotic families who were often relatively poor or lower class. Even though the chaos and poverty may well at least partly be due to the effects of neurodivergence through generations of a family. But it hasn’t been clearly recognised for all that long that there are definite genetic links. So there is also probably a bit of snobbery and judgment coming into things as well.

When I was at medical school (not all THAT long ago) we were still being taught about “refrigerator mothers”. So those old myths about parenting issues causing neurodivergent children take a long time to die.

@coxesorangepippin superficially they can appear similar. But tantrums are typical of a certain age and stage in children generally and usually stop when the child gets what they want eg an ice-cream, or when they’ve lost interest in whatever provoked it. They are usually totally unaware of their behaviour being embarrassing etc.

Whereas an autistic meltdown can happen at any age, only to autistic individuals, and there is no stopping it once it’s started even if the ice-cream or whatever has seemed to trigger it is later offered, it has to be left to burn itself out. A meltdown often has significant sensory triggers rather than in reaction to wanting something they are being denied, and/or obvious sensory sensitivity issues may be present during one eg holding hands over ears or eyes. Many autistic individuals are embarrassed by meltdowns afterwards and even at the time of it happening though they are usually focussed on trying to get through it during the episode.

Then you’ll know how hard it is to get a diagnosis, the wait and how you don’t get one for being badly behaved.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/meltdowns/all-audiences

The main difference between a tantrum and an autistic meltdown lies in their nature and intention. A tantrum is a deliberate, goal-oriented behavior, often used to get attention or achieve a desired outcome, while an autistic meltdown is an involuntary, overwhelming response to sensory or emotional overload. Meltdowns are not a choice or a way to manipulate, but rather a loss of control due to overwhelming stimuli.

Same here; diagnosed at 3. Now 15, verbal but doesn't understand the world around him. Heavy OCD despite sertraline and the camhs has given up on him. I have fought my whole life for him; being a sahm taken him to million specialist appointments with little to show for it. Teaching him at home, arranging playdates, taking him out to train social skills. I am so tired. I haven't given up but I don't have any strength to continue because I can't see any progress.

The broadening of the term hasn't helped. Autism can now result in a person being "a bit awkward in social situations" at one end of the scale, to being non-verbal and living in a Care facility. Gradings, maybe like with cancer, might help? Some kind of basic identifier.

its difficult, I hear you OP because sometimes supporting children with additional needs is hard. There were times I despaired when DS was a child . His meltdowns were epic, angry and he would squeeze my arm rather than hit out.
I had so many bruises as a result. However we worked and worked on it. The result is that I now have a lovely and gentle 22yr old who is able to recognise mostly when he needs to head off and sit quietly until he calms down.
It hasn’t been easy but we have got there and are now just embarking in a programme of preparation for work with an inclusive employment coach.

I did see a child really kicking off in Asda a few weeks ago. His behaviour put me in mind of DS as a small child and I really felt for his Mum and Dad. He was in school uniform, it was just after school pick up time and he was likely hugely overwhelmed. His poor parents looked overwhelmed too.

People might say “how do you know he wasn’t just badly behaved”? Fair point. However I recognise a massively overwhelmed child when I see one, I’ve lived it. Trying to impose any boundaries at that time is impossible. All you can do is wait and then find out what the problem was. Then you can slow,y work on everything.

Adding that my son’s autism doesn’t remotely compare with the two adult daughters of my friends who are both non-verbal. There are similarities…a huge dislike of noise for example. Difference is that my son as he has aged has coping skills. My friends daughters do not.

I think that Mumsnet is a bit of an echo chamber in that the parents on here are of a certain demographic; educated, motivated and interested in online forums! Comments such as ‘every parent wants what’s best for their child’ are simply not true. The ‘lazy’ parents of autistic children would just not be on here, discussing their needs and how best to support them. Not everyone is a good parent and just because your child has autism does not automatically turn you in to a parent who is ‘just doing their best’.
I have worked with many, many parents who use their child’s diagnosis as an excuse to avoid parenting them. It is odd to those of us who would move heaven and earth to support their child, but some people are not good parents.

No it can’t. You will not get an autism diagnosis for just being a bit akward in social situations. 🙄 A scale is ridiculous. All of my children can be non verbal and their care needs can change . I and other parents of autistic children don’t need a scale and permission from MNers or anybody else as to how we parent our children.

Actually I’d say parents of autistic children are far better at handling challenging behaviour. They live with it every day .

op i would pay no attention to other's opinions on this matter.
you know your own personal situation.
not everybody is the same

Some people are shit parents. Having autistic children doesn't automatically change that.

Not having autistic children doesn’t change that either or make you any better at parenting. Parents of autistic children are challenged far far more in every way. I’m often left in awe of what many parents I see are handling with endless patience and strength.

To be honest I’d say parents who look at other parents and judge are often those with highly questionable parenting themselves. Being judgemental, ignorant, lacking in empathy and having a feeling of superiority aren’t necessarily the best qualities to pass on to children.

The thing is...

50 years ago, there were far, far fewer people with diagnoses. Yet they did survive. They just might not have been happy about a lot of things. But thats true of everyone. Human society requires that we compromise for the collective good and we all have to accept feeling uncomfortable, not having our preferences catered to specifically.

I think social media makes us think everyone else is perfect/happy/coping better than we are.

The school environment has changed and become more demanding. Everyone is pushed to the same academic expectation that simply is too much for some DC.

I do also think some well intentioned modern parenting approaches tend to make children more anxious which probably exacerbates things and leads to kids less able to cope Eg

• giving children too many choices
• softer or inconsistent imposition of boundaries that lead to a child not feeling secure that mum/dad are in control

By fewer people you mean women and girls 🤔and no autistic people of both genders didn’t survive. Suicide, depression and unemployment levels are all a lot higher for autistic people

It feels like lots of people these days want to judge parents all children and "I did it so much better" or "What I do is... and it's so much better " or "if I had children I'd do so much better". As if putting down other people is the way to feel better about yourself.
Take this and multiply it for parents of ND children who are often more difficult to parent, often do not respond well to many common parenting strategies, and whose parents already feel burnt out and like they are not doing it right.
It's hard to ignore the critics but you have to.
I cry myself to sleep regularly because of how I've failed my DS, when he has done something that has crossed so many lines, when school and other parents are on my back, when his siblings have been upset by him. I'm sure some if them think I am lazy and could do more but I know the truth.

There are in America
Level 1 indicates someone who is able to cope independently able to work, have relationship, s etc
Level 2 indicates someone who needs some support but can manage independent living
And Level 3 indicates indicates someone who will never be independent and need 1:1 support throughout their lives
Of course there are nuances and spikey profiles ,and there ,will be people who fall between the levels.
But I dont think labeling it all and just autism is helpful to anyone.

He wasn't having a tantrum. He was in meltdown as he was clearly communicating distress.

My autistic meltdowns were/are that I just go very quiet and almost shut down. It’s like an overload of information or stress. I’ll still respond to people, but it’s like there’s 1000 browsers open in my head and my brain is trying to deal with them, while also trying to continue to communicate with people around me so as to not appear rude.

I’m amazed how many autistic kids have outward meltdowns (and in some cases, tantrums!) because that’s so alien to me.

The problem is overdiagnosis OP which has fundamentally changed the meaning of the word autism. Your child is high needs, sounds autistic. Many 'autistic' children are no more 'neuro diverse' than your average person. They could amd should learn to manage their behaviour where it negatively impacts on others. Having a diagnosis in these cases can do more harm than good.