Autism and ‘lazy parenting’

[BlueDusky]

I read comments on threads sometimes that suggest that parents seek a diagnosis of autism or ADHD for their children to excuse poor behaviour due to lazy parenting. I don’t think these comments are fair - I would argue that most people who want their child to have an assessment because they believe they may have additional unmet needs do so not because they want an excuse for poor behaviour but they care about their child and want the best outcomes for them. Surely a lazy parent would be one who ignore their child’s needs?

Or I read comments like ‘they still need to be taught to live in the real world’. The inference being that if your autistic child cannot live ‘in the real world’ you have somehow failed them as a parent. As a parent of a child with higher support needs, who medical professionals have said is unlikely to ever live independently, I find posts and comments like these to be insensitive at times. What’s worse is these comments will often come from other parents of autistic children. If you have an autistic child who is successful don’t act like that’s all down to your fantastic parenting it’s probably down to luck and the fact they have lower support needs.

Maybe I am being unreasonable to allow these comments to irk me.

Absolutely that is where people making assumptions shows that they neither care about people with ASD aside from their own child or make assumptions that people who work in education cannot be ASD or do not need accommodations.

People working in schools who are ASD absolutely do need consideration for what accommodations are needed the same as everyone else.

I think it shocks people to know that the teacher who they have discriminated against also faces similar challenges to their child in the form of the parents and a world that doesn't accommodate.

Which is up to the employer to make reasonable adjustments!
How is discrimination, when you don't know wether a teacher is autistic and are treating them like any other teacher
Are you saying we have to assume that everybody is disabled in some way and try and accommodate their needs even though we don't know whst their disability is or what needs they have
That would be exhausting.

Nope a simple - is there anything you need or don't go in shouting that the teacher doesn't know what ASD is would suffice. Similarly do not demand to override their accommodations when a teacher tells you they need something and you ignore it.

Pretty basic if a teacher says no to a meeting directly after school as they need time to decompress and can do one a little later do not shout and scream that they are unreasonable for needing that.

Again it's the employer, s job to accommodate the teachers needs not patrents
I don't go into my child's EHCP meeting to discuss the teachers needs I'm going in to discuss my child's needs and I would be very surprised if the teacher said but what about me ?

This 100%. I’ll be using this comment from now on.

So if your child's teacher said they needed time after school to meet their needs and you effed and jeffed at them that is not on you? Absolutely it is.

Yes but that's just coom9n decency I wouldn't expect any teacher regardless of disabilities meet with me without a pre arranged appointment nor would I go in shouting

You wouldn't which is great but you'd be surprised at the amount of parents who would and cannot stand being told no to meet the needs of staff.

Well I wouldn't do thst as I'm a pretty decent person
But nor would i assume they were autistic

Right but that's nothing to do with being autistic is it no teacher should have to put up with verbal abuse .

That is great you wouldn't.
But most will sadly and most will say they do not give a shit if the teacher is autistic that them meeting about their child trumps the needs of the teacher.

Absolutely! Oh it has everything to do with being autistic as they cannot meet basic needs for the teacher and literally say they do not care. Then get arsey when told no.

If you ask them to accommodate the teacher it is usually met with a no. It is very interesting to watch how many will refuse basic requests.

The point is regardless if wether the teacher is autistic, hearing impaired, Diabetic or have any disability, parents shouldn't be going in shouting the odds and being verbally abusive if they are should have consequences.

🤣 Well thank goodness you are in no position to class anything. Utterly ridiculous saying anybody without 24 hours care is low need. I don’t call being under multiple services, in and out of hospital, years of professional support, EHCPs, enhanced PIP… low need.

They don't usually go in shouting. They shout when asked to make accommodations. I've yet to see someone shout at someone for asking a parent to make sure they speak clearly to hear them. I see that daily and said teacher wears a badge to signal their needs and is always accommodated.

There are no consequences for parents. That is why they do it. They know they can.

But it's not OK to start being abusive to a reacher who isn't autistic either is it ?

Nope but a teacher who is not autistic isn't asking for the accommodations. It is the asking that is the trigger. When a non-autistic teacher doesn't ask then there is no trigger.

Not sure why it is seen as a bad thing for teachers to talk about their experiences linked to being treated badly by parents as a result of asking for their needs to be met and why people get defensive about teachers speaking about these problems.

Quite possibly. But it does mean her child isn't getting the support.

To be clear - I don't judge people who are not as good at parenting in these situations (or mostly I don't!)- but I do think that parenting skills are ONE of the factors in how things work our for ND children.

It’s swamped by many other factors though or so I’ve been told by professionals.

That may be true in many cases. But, for example, in the two cases I've referenced for example, while being ND is being used as an "excuse" by these parents for their child's behaviours, they're not actually DOING anything to seek a formal diagnosis and help. So they haven't even got to the point where the professionals can offer input and support, at any level, to overcome or supplement parnting.

Also, we know that for any child, parental support and guidance is a key factor in long term success. It's why schools are so despairing of how much of teaching children basic skills is being offloaded to them - basic manners, organisational skills, even potty training. And this must be as true for ND children as for NT children.

Parents who do have the skills to advocate and support their ND child are the ones whose children are more likely to outperform vs what might otherwise be the case with exactly the same challenges.

I think one of the issues is now everyone and their dog has a diagnosis.
Nobody is special if we are all special.

I get where you’re coming from, but autism isn’t some set thing. Whilst someone might be living independently, able to work, is verbal etc, there are days/weeks when a build up of stressors can leave you completely overwhelmed in a way that means you need support, you may need to reduce your hours, you struggle to cope with daily life. This happens regularly with autistic people who do not meet the criteria for PIP, so you don’t necessarily have financial back up to get through these times.

Also “need to be taught right from wrong” of course, but from whose frame are you working from? Eg my son was incredibly violent when in meltdown, this was seen by most as him being naughty, me being permissive and weak, me not setting boundaries. Many parents of autistic children would judge me and tell me “I wouldn’t allow that” - well good for you, have a fucking medal! I can control the meltdowns like I can control his asthma - by making sure the groundwork (which no one else sees) is in place, by making sure others around him are aware of his needs (not something I can control at all), but like his asthma, it goes to pot when others don’t take seriously that the little details need to be taken care of. And sometimes taking care of those things look like weak parenting.
The fact of it was that this was how his meltdowns present themselves (I shut down and can’t talk), if his environment doesn’t suit him, if he cannot have certain things presented to him in a way he can understand (because of his disability) his stress levels rise. It’s not a matter of right or wrong although most people wouldn’t understand that.

There are many such instances with autism.

I’m not a teacher but I have similar experiences in work, but I can’t remember ever having said “I can’t do x time because I need to decompress” even when that’s true, I’ll say “I can’t do x time, how about y?”.
I have some reasonable adjustments at work, but that’s between me and my boss, it would be unprofessional to bring any customers into my disability needs, also it’s private, I don’t want everyone to know that I’m autistic, it’s not relevant to them.

You are in the wrong job.

Everyone is different and nope the words decompress are not usually used but when pressed about why they cannot ever meet directly after work then that parent will be told that teacher needs time.

Would it be unprofessional to say please can you speak clearly I am deaf? It is everyone's right to say or not say about their disability. If you wish to keep that to yourself that is your right, if someone wants to share then that also is their right.

Each to their own in my opinion and I do not think it is unprofessional to talk about disabilities. School should be a safe place for all not just children.