Mum leaving us an unequal inheritance

[InWithPeaceOutWithStress]

I have two sisters, youngest is 25 and still living at home and not working. Failed her degree as got very anxious about one (or two, not sure) of her exams and didn’t sit it. Hasn’t worked or done anything since.

Mum leaving house to her as she sees it as being equally her house whereas me and other sibling have since moved out. Feels really unfair that she is gifted a free home for life whereas we are saddled with our mortgages. Have never received financial help from my parents as an adult, nothing toward house deposit. Mum also has £180k savings which she says will be split between the three of us. My view is that’s her retirement money and she will (and should!) spend it.

It’s her right to do what she wants with her money. I’ve said I expect nothing from her but equally she can expect nothing from me going forward. She has previously relied on me to help her out - DIY around the house, driving her and my little sister around, taking my sister to and from uni at the time, taking in her cats when they got old and needed taking to the vets, I would previously do anything she asked (within reason).

Feels like she’s just using me and if she isn’t treating us fairly she can’t expect as much from me. Previously I had accepted that care in her old age would fall to me, eg driving her to appointments, helping her navigate things and get the right care. As little sister is really passive. She doesn’t cook, clean etc, no interest in learning to drive, or do anything really. I think if little sister isn’t planning to work and simply live off inheritance she should step up with our mum. She’s only 66 and has just retired but she’s been a heavy drinker for decades, only gave up smoking fairly recently, doesn’t exercise, so serious health issues may not be far away. She also can be quite a mean spirited person, not particularly friendly, and can be very rigid.

Feels like the big hearted thing for me to do is simply get over it, continue as I would had she hadn’t told me this, and deal with any resentment within myself as my issue to fix. I also feel quite rigid about this though and feel like I really cba anymore with either her or little sister. AIBU?

I think your updates should have been included from the start as they’re relevant. I can understand your mum wanting to give more to your sister. The fairest thing to do would have been leaving the life insurance payout to your sister and then dividing the remaining assets equally. Perhaps it works out the same and that’s why she left half the house instead?

Yeah I'd be annoyed too that sister appears to be being rewarded for being useless, with a free house.

Where's your free house?

You made all the right decisions, did what you should do, and have a nice big fat mortgage for your efforts. Nah, I'd be miffed.

I appreciate all those saying mother has a right to choose how to allocate her assets. Of course she does. OP is not questioning that. She's just hurt at the choice the mother has made.

I'd be hurt too.

If I were you, I'd say 'nuts to this', and leave them to look after themselves in their nice free house.

This is why nobody should know what is in your Will except you and your solicitor.

In dysfunctional families its the boundary thats seen as the violation, not the behaviour that provoked it. All the enablers stick together to attack the person who said no, and unfortunately that dynamic always repeats itself on these threads.

And not actually the case !! I also wonder how this poster thought she knew little sister had a child if OP had neglected to mention it. In the same way as she thought two sisters were living at home when OP clearly said it was one.

And also not true. OP has confirmed that her sister does not have a child.

Actually, my own dad died young and my mother received a big life insurance pay out. A big portion was given to my sister, whose husband left her and her two kids with enormous debt. The rest is my mother's and I have no issue with that at all.

Weird you'd try to make guesses about someone's personal life just because they have a different opinion to you.

So you were only helping her so you'd receive some future payment? Nice!

Is your father alive will you inherit from him? Tbh I can absolutely see giving the youngest a bigger inheritance if the savings are mainly from the life insurance payout from her fathers death. I don't know the values of the assets but if I died and my husband went on to have more children I would want my life insurance payment, the money I'd paid into the house etc to go only to my biological children. What would you want in that case?

sorry disagree. It isn’t the amount of money at all. I don’t care if my parents leave me a penny. I encourage them to spend the inheritance. If there is any money left over I would be incredibly hurt if they left more to my sibling than me. It indicates they loved them more. I will always treat my children equally whatever their situation- I love them 100% the same.

So don't call me the sister then?

It’s not just about the money, it’s the meaning and emotion behind decisions as well.
nearly 30 years ago I helped my mother buy her home, asked her for some acknowledgment at the time but she always refused.
No Will, everything was chaotic when she died.
initially my DB said he wanted an equal split, I had to remind him about what I did.
eventually I did get most back .

That’s really not what OP is saying. It’s not the expectation of inheritance - the whole lot could reasonably go on care fees. It’s the expression of favouritism.

This is what we've done. My sister in law can wipe his arse when the time comes. We are well out of it. Sorry for the crudeness but it's been a bone of contention for a while now 😞

No if you go down that route surely the fairest would be to divide the house between the 2 eldest children as that was a fully paid off asset of the first marriage . Nothing to do with the youngest child. The youngest child would be entitled to whatever was left for the insurance payout.

it honestly makes no sense and is super complicated. Given there is money from multiple sources and different amounts spent at different times, best just to treat them all equally.

But that's how you view money – not how everyone does. As I said upthread, my sister has received very significant portions of money from my parents because she's less fortune than I am. This isn't intended to be 'evened out' when my mother dies by leaving me more. I don't care at all – I'm happy they were able to help her out in life, I don't need it. Could my sister have made different life choices to avoid the trouble? Yes, but she didn't.

I agree.

Op, things may change in the future. Your sister is still young, she may move out eventually, get married etc and then your mother will re-think. However your mother knows your sister now, better than you, and wants to ensure that she will be secure. It might have been better for her to make a stipulation that the house is hers for life rather than leave it outright to her. However you will do well when your mum dies and you have your own home, hopefully a good life, so try not to think about it. Certainly don't be ungracious.

Totally unfair and I would find that really hard too.

However it sounds like there's more going on with your sister than 'just' anxiety. 27, no job, didn't complete her degree, can't drive, can't cook. Have you thought about any additional needs or more serious mental health condition? And do you think she's getting all the support she needs? E.g. has she seen a doctor about the anxiety or tried any medication?

Absolutely nobody can predict what will happen to their parents in later life. There is a possibility at some point the house will need to be sold to pay nursing/care fees despite you feeling you know your mums wishes, often it’s completely not a decision they are able to make themselves. As someone who visits care homes as part of my job, the majority of the people in them are there because they really have to be.

I do understand your feelings though - my situation is different to yours but equally internally frustrating - my mum has a mortgage free property, and a small amount in savings, and if nothing changes between now and her death, her entire estate is split equally between me and my sister. Sister is incredibly wealthy - has never had to work, mortgage free house, her DH has generational wealth (£m’s) and her share would be a drop in the ocean for her. Whereas I have struggled and fought my entire life to keep my families head above water - but equally it wouldn’t be fair for the entire estate to go solely to me either.

Then why not just will the savings the life insurance policy provided to little sister ? A third share of mum’s savings plus a half share of the house may well add up to a lot more than the policy provided.

I think it's very relevant how much the house is worth here.

so you can have, say, your daughter running around most of her life helping you and then you leave everything to your son who did nothing?

If you are a loving, caring, decent parent - your kids will help you in your infirm years because they love you, not because they expect a cool half mill when you pop your clogs.

Unfortunately, life isn't like that.

I don't know why and how parents can treat their children differently.

It's hurtful, unkind and having "favourites" is being a bad parent. I honestly can't understand how people behave like this.

It's just not on you OP, your mother is to blame and it's not a reflection on you. It's just so wrong that have favourites and show it!

Well that’s you fair enough but the majority of people do view it that way.

I would leave the same to both my children equally regardless of their life situation. They both have had the same upbringing, same opportunities and so wouldn’t punish one of them for being more successful.

I think she sees you both doing well and settled with homes, and doesn't want to see her homeless. Perhaps she thinks she is incapable of holding down a job and getting a place to live?