Mum leaving us an unequal inheritance

[InWithPeaceOutWithStress]

I have two sisters, youngest is 25 and still living at home and not working. Failed her degree as got very anxious about one (or two, not sure) of her exams and didn’t sit it. Hasn’t worked or done anything since.

Mum leaving house to her as she sees it as being equally her house whereas me and other sibling have since moved out. Feels really unfair that she is gifted a free home for life whereas we are saddled with our mortgages. Have never received financial help from my parents as an adult, nothing toward house deposit. Mum also has £180k savings which she says will be split between the three of us. My view is that’s her retirement money and she will (and should!) spend it.

It’s her right to do what she wants with her money. I’ve said I expect nothing from her but equally she can expect nothing from me going forward. She has previously relied on me to help her out - DIY around the house, driving her and my little sister around, taking my sister to and from uni at the time, taking in her cats when they got old and needed taking to the vets, I would previously do anything she asked (within reason).

Feels like she’s just using me and if she isn’t treating us fairly she can’t expect as much from me. Previously I had accepted that care in her old age would fall to me, eg driving her to appointments, helping her navigate things and get the right care. As little sister is really passive. She doesn’t cook, clean etc, no interest in learning to drive, or do anything really. I think if little sister isn’t planning to work and simply live off inheritance she should step up with our mum. She’s only 66 and has just retired but she’s been a heavy drinker for decades, only gave up smoking fairly recently, doesn’t exercise, so serious health issues may not be far away. She also can be quite a mean spirited person, not particularly friendly, and can be very rigid.

Feels like the big hearted thing for me to do is simply get over it, continue as I would had she hadn’t told me this, and deal with any resentment within myself as my issue to fix. I also feel quite rigid about this though and feel like I really cba anymore with either her or little sister. AIBU?

do people not talk with their parents about their wishes for care when elderly, and what happens to their things (and assets) when they die?

We've always been very open with parents about this, and the estate will be equally shared between siblings.

There is currently resentment in that one sibling is doing far far more to support elderly parent, than the other, but even so there is no question that there will be a conversation about changing the will due to this. (yes, i am the "more caring" sibling here)

Back to OP: i think you all need to have a sit down and a discussion about expectations about care, support and so on going forward. And how much you are prepared/willing to do going forward, bearing in mind you work and have your own family to look after. Take the inheritence question out of it. You also need to get your mother to see that your sister needs help, and that the best thing may be that she moves out to a place of her own, as this will force her to care for herself. but again, decoupled from inheritence issues.

If the house is split three ways I expect your sister will be made homeless with little ability to buy her own place given lack of income or work experience. You and your other sisters have mortgages but also the ability to earn your living and keep a roof over your heads. From your perspective it must feel unfair but from hers is it more about ensuring that her kids are housed after she's gone? In her shoes would you really split absolutely equally even if it meant your daughter living at home was kicked out of it once you died? I'm not saying it's fair more than I can understand her logic.

There’s nothing like property and inheritance to piss off family is there? My OH Dad left his house to one offspring……..the others got bugger all and it has totally broken the family dynamic. Hardly anyone speaks to the others, no one want to see the ‘prodigal son’ and they ALL blame the executor even though they got zilch too. I fucking love families.

An inheritance isn’t a given right…your Mum is an adult and free to do as she pleases with all of her assets.

I think you might be the sister!!

Nope. Nowhere in any of OP’s posts does it say little sister has a child.

So an elderly parent has to show gratitude with money? (And she is, btw, if she's giving her the split of £180k). How does the OP show gratitude for the 'practical services and care' of having been brought up by her mother? Or does that exchange rate turn into cash when you reach adulthood?

It sounds as though OP's mum is generous with money and love towards OP's youngest sister but mean with both money and love towards OP while expecting OP to provide practical services to her mum and her sister.

Why shouldn't the 25 year old with no job, living at home with her mum, provide the help and support to her mum that OP has been providing, despite having a full time job of her own?

What an unpleasant post. If you can’t help OP, why post?

No, I have a mortgage and a job and two kids that I provide for. And I'm not eyeing up other people's money.

There's a lot that can happen in between now and your mum passing away. Little sister might meet someone and marry them. They might be a millionaire. Then what?

No. One. OP very clearly says at the outset that she has two sisters, one of whom is still living at home.

And what if they are ill, disabled or unable to work? They won’t have the security of mother’s house in the furture. Assuming someone can work indefinitely or at all is a mighty assumption to make.

Her mum doesn’t have unconditional love for the OP though. She is favouring her sibling. Unconditional love is treating all your children equally, whether you have £5 to distribute or £500k.

Similar is happening with us. My FIL has signed his almost a million pound house to my sister in law who's never moved out and lives there with her 3 adult children and now grandchild too. We've had to uproot hundreds of miles away to be able to buy a cheaper property. Makes me sick and I know it hurts my husband but he doesn't like to talk about it.I know we have distanced ourselves since and once fil dies,I don't think we will stay in touch with them😞

I bet you have received lots of help from the bank of mum and/or dad so you just don’t get it.

good for you.

And expecting your elder daughter to provide practical support isn't a given right and OP is an adult and free to do what she pleases with her time.

So what did you inherit from your parents? What financial help did you get whilst your siblings didn’t?

It sounds to me like there was already a difficult family dynamic at play, and your role has been the “good girl”, the caretaker, the dependable one, the reliable one.

Taking care of an elderly person is a huge commitment and it’s normal to have to draw boundaries for yourself, even as a full time carer to prevent burnout. It’s actually in the best interests of the person being cared for that you do.

Often in dysfunctional families there is a subtle insidious pressure not to draw boundaries, not to consider your own needs, and to stay in your assigned role because of a subconscious fear of losing love. Your dm’s decision (and refusal to take account of your views) has pulled this out of the subconscious to the surface.

I think it’s actually very, very important to take stock of the support you give, and what it costs you. You’ve been a mother figure to your sister at an age when you should have been carefree. You’ve supported your dm through alcoholism and breakdowns. You’ve given and given and given. People who are criticising you for being transactional probably haven’t come close to the amount of care you provided.

By all means give from your abundance - but don’t beggar yourself (financially, energetically or by depriving yourself or your family of opportunities) for someone who is a taker, and literally taking you for granted too.

The raw hurt that has allowed you to see this clearly will fade, and it is hard to resist family role play. That’s why setting boundaries for yourself and writing them down is important now.

It’s not about being petty or revenge, it’s about you being able to put in place the normal limits that other people take for granted.

Have you considered that your dm might even be satisfying her own emotional needs by encouraging your dsis’ dependence on her? Your dsis might not be as fortunate as it seems.

Depend on the value of the house. There’s also the fact that little sister will potentially have a £60k share of mum’s savings if they’re intact when she dies. She’s also had an inheritance from her grandmother and lives off that instead of working. I think there’s a real imbalance here and l don’t think it’s the expectation of inheritance, it’s more the feeling that one sibling is more favoured - the fact that little sister has a different father may be fuelling it.

I don't think the little should sister should swan about and do nothing – but that's nothing to do with the inheritance. She's an adult and the mother's an adults – they are responsible for their own dynamics and their own money.

Nowhere does OP say her mother has expected any care and services from her – just that she has given it and expected to give it into old age. Has OP's mother told OP she expects it?

I think you’re getting a hard time. It’s clearly not about the money. It’s about an expectation that you give give give, with little recognition of what you have done and continue to do for people, and with there being little attempt to make the situation more fair in terms of your sister’s contribution. I imagine the house is just a symbol of that inequality for you.

Probably because it’s irrelevant.

And not true.

Come on people, read the OP's actual posts!!