Mum leaving us an unequal inheritance

[InWithPeaceOutWithStress]

I have two sisters, youngest is 25 and still living at home and not working. Failed her degree as got very anxious about one (or two, not sure) of her exams and didn’t sit it. Hasn’t worked or done anything since.

Mum leaving house to her as she sees it as being equally her house whereas me and other sibling have since moved out. Feels really unfair that she is gifted a free home for life whereas we are saddled with our mortgages. Have never received financial help from my parents as an adult, nothing toward house deposit. Mum also has £180k savings which she says will be split between the three of us. My view is that’s her retirement money and she will (and should!) spend it.

It’s her right to do what she wants with her money. I’ve said I expect nothing from her but equally she can expect nothing from me going forward. She has previously relied on me to help her out - DIY around the house, driving her and my little sister around, taking my sister to and from uni at the time, taking in her cats when they got old and needed taking to the vets, I would previously do anything she asked (within reason).

Feels like she’s just using me and if she isn’t treating us fairly she can’t expect as much from me. Previously I had accepted that care in her old age would fall to me, eg driving her to appointments, helping her navigate things and get the right care. As little sister is really passive. She doesn’t cook, clean etc, no interest in learning to drive, or do anything really. I think if little sister isn’t planning to work and simply live off inheritance she should step up with our mum. She’s only 66 and has just retired but she’s been a heavy drinker for decades, only gave up smoking fairly recently, doesn’t exercise, so serious health issues may not be far away. She also can be quite a mean spirited person, not particularly friendly, and can be very rigid.

Feels like the big hearted thing for me to do is simply get over it, continue as I would had she hadn’t told me this, and deal with any resentment within myself as my issue to fix. I also feel quite rigid about this though and feel like I really cba anymore with either her or little sister. AIBU?

I do think it's a bit unfair. But then I think it's possible your mum's thinking that you're all doing OK and younger sister needs a leg up. If she doesn't have a degree and suffers from anxiety will she be doing as well as the rest of you in a decade or two?

Mum may be seeing her choices as:

• Give younger sister the house and everybody ends up with a house.

• Split the house and some siblings end up with houses and extra cash and others end up without a house as a result.

Nothing is set in stone. No one has a crystal ball of can see into the future

Things can change. Youngest daughter could win the lottery whilst older 2 sisters might get divorced or find themselves unable to work because of disability.

If younger dd has anxiety then it is up to her mother to help her access the right support and treatment so she can get her degree and can work. Trying to give her more in her will instead is going to hinder her not help her daughter.

Do you honestly think it’s even possible for this to be the absolute limit of her intellectual capacity to think in such blank and white basic terms? Relative to that of a four year old maybe.

Hi @InWithPeaceOutWithStress your mums view of parity is unfair, but its her money to do with what she wants.

My mum has decided my DB is sorted so is only leaving money to my DS and I (I doubt Ill get anything though cos the account its in is a joint account between my DM and my DS).

Im sorry your DM turned to drink when her DP died. It's the most horrendous thing to experience and I understand why she did it, but 7 years on, she should be on a more even kiel so has become dependent on alcohol. Have you spoken to her about it? I hope you gets off the drink and re considers the will. She recently stopped smoking, so she has realised her health is being impacted by her lifestyle, which means there's some hope she will tackle her drinking.

Anyways, I def feel the pain this type of behaviour can create and I think YANBU to withdraw somewhat and leave your DM and younger DS to sort themselves out.

Good luck x

What a terrible post. Where's the love here?

Maybe she is angry with her dad but the difference is that she isn't running around after her dad like she is expected to do for her mum and sister.

Why have you written this, there is nothing to suggest that?

Read the post! No it was her mothers property!

Your younger sister lost her father when she was very young
She has started uni then dropped out due to anxiety.
She now lives at home with her mother, unemployed, doesn’t drive and no aspirations or goals.

She is 25

OP, you are a parent? Surely you can see how worried you would be about your youngest child if she was in this situation?

As her sister, I’m surprised you’re not more concerned

This is a young woman who sounds very unhappy.

But as a parent InWithPeaceOutWithStress
I am sure would be helping her child to live her own life, getting the therapy and meds to help her and looking at how the dd can resit her exams to then get to the next stage in life

Instead the mother in this situation is an alcoholic with bad health who doesn’t want to be on their own so has infantilised her youngest daughter to the point where dd isn’t capable of having her own life and to shut down any thought of life outside the 4 walls of the life she is buying her life for less than a minimum wage job would pay.
And after all that if the mother doesn’t seek legal advice or change her lifestyle completely the daughter is going to lose the roof over her head because the mother won’t survive the required amount of years needed to put 1/2 the house out of reach of any care home fees or inheritance taxes

I do feel sorry for the youngest dd in the way I feel sorry for people who think they have been clever but have just been arrogant and you can almost forecast what is going to happen in their life and you watch the car crash from a distance and the resulting shock when it dawns on them they are not above the law

Yes so that even adds to the pretty shit life this young woman has endured and continues to endure

not only no goals, no aspirations, no means of independent travel by car, no job…. She’s living at home with an alcoholic

I am not saying that this situation is “right”. There is no “right” in my opinion.

I am just saying that this isn’t someone who appears to be living the life of Riley

I totally get why you are upset. The money is not the real issue...it is the fact that she is treating one better than the others.
You have been picking up the slack with your DM but she doesn't consider you worthy of an equal share of the inheritance.
I would start as you mean to go on...give like for like ....withdraw all the extra things you do for her and only do what you genuinely want to. Let your sister carry the burden along with the inheritance!

Instead the mother in this situation is an alcoholic with bad health who doesn’t want to be on their own so has infantilised her youngest daughter to the point where dd isn’t capable of having her own life and to shut down any thought of life outside the 4 walls of the life she is buying her life for less than a minimum wage job would pay.

so the mother presumably is aware of this and knows she will be leaving an utterly incapable woman alone

I totally get why you are upset. The money is not the real issue...it is the fact that she is treating one better than the others.

oh come on. Quite clearly the money is the issue given the OP doesn’t seem to particularly like her mother anyway (not that her mother sounds like a particularly pleasant individual!)

1. OP has been thrust into a caring role since she was a teenager when her mum's partner died and her mum turned to drink. OP had to care for her youngest sister when she was only a teenager herself.
2. OP's mum made OP and her other sister leave home as soon as they reached adulthood with no financial help or support.
3. OP is required to help her mum and her sister by driving them around, doing DIY, taking care of their pets and anything that her mum asks her to do.
4. The money is an issue, but the unfairness is worse. The mum's clear favouritism of the youngest sister, financially and emotionally, must be hard for her other two daughters to witness. Their mum provided them with the bare minimum as a parent and basically threw them both out when they reached adulthood.
5. The unfairness has damaged the relationship between OP and her mum to the extent that she would like to distance herself and reduce the help she provides in order to protect herself. Her mum obviously doesn't appreciate OP's help and shows no gratitude. OP isn't being unreasonable to reduce contact.

I wonder whether her mum's inquality of treatment between the two daughters of her first marriage and the daughter of her second relationship is due to the differet feelings she has about her daughters' fathers. If she had a difficult first marriage and very negative feelings about her first husband, this resentment may have transferred to his two daughters.

As her younger daughter's dad died, maybe he and the child she had with him have been put on a pedestal. Certainly, the child whose dad died will be viewed with more sympathy and compassion than the children of the divorced dad.

I would be leaving ALL care and any ferrying about to your younger sister from now on. She can take your mum in taxis as well as you can in your car. Take a step back and let her see the real world. I would suggest she may have had a hand in this will, the house AND a third of savings is so heavily in her favour. Your little sister is obviously the golden child, leave them to it.

In what way?

Totally agree.
Your little sister wont need to come to you begging for help when she needs repairs/help with bills etc as it seems she would be adequately financed,

OP, this sounds really hard and complicated. So many replies so quickly too! Wow! So I’ll keep mine brief….

*How you’re feeling is totally valid.

*Absolutely agree with other pp’s about taking stock, assessing, and adjusting boundaries.

*I think it’s only to be expected that little sister steps up in to the caring role for your mum if she’s living there.

*Some acceptance sounds like it’ll be really helpful too. Your mum is who she is. Sadly your little sister is who she is too, possibly more similar to your mum than you realise. Certainly not helped by living there with just mum. They have capacity to make their own decisions, even if they seem unwise by others.

*Be grateful you are different. Yes, you have worked harder for what you have, but you are a better person for it for sure!

*Yes, your little sister really could do with a life push, therapy, etc., but the reality is that it doesn’t sound like it would happen. You pulling back may force the hand here a bit…

Look after yourself. I wish you all the best moving forwards.

Agree, sounds like both the sis and dm have the 'learned helpless/look after me but I don't care about you Jack' attitude going on. As seems to be supported by some.
I don't ever get the 'but you're soo lucky!! You're so lucky to have studied/be working/built up debt, your poor sisters never worked, lives off an inheritance and is going to inheritance more. Isn't that awful for her! Now go and sort out her life admin and look after her from your money!!'

Little sister gets the house, little sister gets mom too. I would stop going out of my way to shuttle mom (and sis!) to appointments, ánd stop doing chores around the house. Little sister has so much free time on her hands she should learn to drive ánd cook and clean. I'm sure there are household classes to be found in the vicinity.

Because it isn’t as simple as get rid of all or part of house so you won’t have to pay taxes or care home fees from the equity.

This woman who isn’t exactly looking after herself and isn’t exactly in the greatest health isn’t going to last the requisite time to make sure that the house and its equity are out of reach of the taxman or the care home

I foresee that some young chancer is going to spot that dd has her own place and never having gone out with anyone she is too naive to understand that he is only after her house.

If they marry then divorce after a few years she could end up losing the house in a divorce because no doubt he will be paying all the bills as she is too lazy to go to work and it will be considered the marital home.

He will be bringing round the mothers favourite tipple to sweeten her up

It is quite frightening how the mothers alcohol soaked brains cannot see the issues

If the house is made over to the sister it cannot be sold to fund mothers care while she is living in it. If someone shares a property with a parent needing care, the local authority can indeed assess the property's value when determining care costs, but they will only consider the individual's share of the property, not the entire value. If the individual's share is sufficient to cover their care costs, the local authority may require the sale of that share. However, if someone else, like a family member, lives in the property, the council might not include it in the financial assessment. The LA can claim the costs after she dies however.
Get some legal advice and have a family meeting with all parties so you make the best decision being fully cognisant of the situation financially and emotionally.

This stood out for me. Most people would come back from this but it seems to have crystallised into a pattern of avoidant behaviour. In the long term it’s in your interests that sister “ life skills up”. Or she could end up being your semi dependent ( I know, I’m in that position with my brother). Would it be worth pushing back on your mothers demands and suggesting as tactfully/ manipulatively/ forcefully ( whatever works) that your sister assists. Acting as if it’s very normal that sister accompanied mother/ does some life admin etc ? She’s in a comfort zone of doing v little and surely that needs to be challenged.