Mum leaving us an unequal inheritance

[InWithPeaceOutWithStress]

I have two sisters, youngest is 25 and still living at home and not working. Failed her degree as got very anxious about one (or two, not sure) of her exams and didn’t sit it. Hasn’t worked or done anything since.

Mum leaving house to her as she sees it as being equally her house whereas me and other sibling have since moved out. Feels really unfair that she is gifted a free home for life whereas we are saddled with our mortgages. Have never received financial help from my parents as an adult, nothing toward house deposit. Mum also has £180k savings which she says will be split between the three of us. My view is that’s her retirement money and she will (and should!) spend it.

It’s her right to do what she wants with her money. I’ve said I expect nothing from her but equally she can expect nothing from me going forward. She has previously relied on me to help her out - DIY around the house, driving her and my little sister around, taking my sister to and from uni at the time, taking in her cats when they got old and needed taking to the vets, I would previously do anything she asked (within reason).

Feels like she’s just using me and if she isn’t treating us fairly she can’t expect as much from me. Previously I had accepted that care in her old age would fall to me, eg driving her to appointments, helping her navigate things and get the right care. As little sister is really passive. She doesn’t cook, clean etc, no interest in learning to drive, or do anything really. I think if little sister isn’t planning to work and simply live off inheritance she should step up with our mum. She’s only 66 and has just retired but she’s been a heavy drinker for decades, only gave up smoking fairly recently, doesn’t exercise, so serious health issues may not be far away. She also can be quite a mean spirited person, not particularly friendly, and can be very rigid.

Feels like the big hearted thing for me to do is simply get over it, continue as I would had she hadn’t told me this, and deal with any resentment within myself as my issue to fix. I also feel quite rigid about this though and feel like I really cba anymore with either her or little sister. AIBU?

I’d feel exactly like you.

i wouldn’t be obvious about why i was withdrawing help as that will not paint you in a good light in their minds, but i would start gradually reducing my involvement.

I can see both points of view here...you do own the house, but the fact it's not owned outright means a mortgage company could take it off you, in reality.

However, I'm with @HonestOpalHelper on this, as it can be essential to make sure the correct terms are used...I have a lovely, lovely neighbour who cannot get her head around the fact that we did not sell my MIL house when she went into a care home, as we rented it out instead, to pay the fees. This neighbour has, over the years, heard people say "we had to sell the house when X went into a home" or something similar, to the point she really thinks that selling up is a legal process which has to be done when someone goes into care, rather than seeing it objectively that what people mean is that they didn't have the means not to sell up to pay for the care.

As I have told her numerous times when the subject gets brought up (and MIL went into a home in 2018 & has been dead now for over three years!), selling a house and going into a care home are two very totally separate events. The fact they often occur together is just the way it has to be for a lot of families.

Even if she is of sound mind, if the local authority think something has been done to avoid the payment of care home costs, they absolutely will go after the money.

My friend has put her home into trust with her DD as the trustee. That's because my friend does not want her son (different DF to DD) to inherit as they are estranged and he is quite a greedy character. The company who sorted out the trust said there must be a valid reason for it as otherwise the local authority will come after the money should my friend ever have to go into a care home.

@beAsensible1 no I continued to see and help dm even though I knew she had changed her will I was hurt and never questioned it never had a discussion about it which I regret now as I haven't been able to see her for the last 8 months
I accept dsis will get all the money and get away with what she has done. She's got everything she cleared dm house without telling me didn't even give me my stuff back
I would much rather have a relationship with dm and not be excluded form things like birthdays Christmas etc but dsis has taken that from me and my young adult children dm only grandchildren as well

Money really does bring the worst out in some people

Even if she is of sound mind, if the local authority think something has been done to avoid the payment of care home costs, they absolutely will go after the money.

They have to do more than think. They have to prove there’s been a deliberate deprivation of assets.

Her sister is ND with anxiety and dead father at a young age

and clearly lhassisters who harbour resentment towards her. As if she didn’t have the same drunk mum. DM is obviously worried what will happen when she is not around.

the all inclusives have been mentioned a few times…

I am physically disabled and get a huge amount of help from my DD. In recognition of that, I do treat her quite a lot and help her out when I can. My Will states that any inheritance is equally split between DD and DS, but I think DS will be perfectly happy to just have 50% of the house and for DD to have more than 50% of whatever else is left. It's possibly something I will discuss with them at some point, but I won't make a big thing of it as they are quite capable of coming to an amicable agreement about it themselves. I know neither of them will be worried which either way.

Absolutely, there is no legal process by which the LA takes someones house away when the go into care, some self fund, some like yourself rent it out to raise funds, use pensions, savings, investments.

The LA only gets involved if someone has assets but isn't or can't fund the care, if its property they tend to nowadays offer a deferred payment agreement, bit like a mortgage and then the property has to be sold (or the loan settled by other means) by the executor after death.

There are also cases where the house won't get counted anyway, if a spouse lives there, A children under 18 or over 60, A disabled relative, in all those cases the house cannot be taken into account even if that's all they have.

God, I'm so happy that my parents somehow managed to raise siblings that love each other, look after each other and genuinely insisted that they each took the least.
Our respective DC all seems to be the same.
There is so much more than money at stake here.

I'm saying if you take a calm and rational perspective, you will see it is sensible and reasonable. Your mum loves you. You don't need to make your sister homeless or deprive your mum of help to prove that.

OP has already said younger sister has plenty of savings from inheritance when her father died, so initially she would probably have enough income to pay the bills etc. When that's gone, she will need to find a job or claim UC.

OP quite clearly states that DM paid off the mortgage herself, not that her sister's father made any sort of contribution to it.

You're right on both points: That your mother has the right to decide on whatever bequests she wants AND also that this seems hugely unfair. If Baby Sis gets the house, seems to me she shouldn't get any cash.

I think I'd try acting as courteously and caringly in conversation as you would usually do, but when asked for a favor, try saying, "Oh, sorry, I'm not free. Why don't you ask Baby Sis? After all, she's right there." And let them take taxis.

But it isn’t just a case of giving her sister a home - it is giving her sister a fully paid off home. The OP and her sister will have a home with a mortgage they will have to pay off for the next 25 years. Her sister can just sit on her bum and never work.

And the life insurance she received will be long gone.

Homeless? Why are we writing off a young, clever, able bodied and well educated woman from ever working to pay towards her own accommodation? Having a panic attack over one module of a maths degree should not equate to condemning her to a life of poverty and homelessness without ongoing financial support from a parent.

@CantStopMoving I've understood that. I'm in similar position to OP and think she is BU

But you are in similar position and making a choice- your mum probably would have treated you equally but you are in effect gifting your share to your sister. That is the difference. - what you do with your inheritance is your choice. That’s the point- you have had a choice and were a party to the decision making

My in-laws are like this. My DH is treated so differently to BIL. DH passed his exams, went to uni, bought house, had daughter, got married no financial help, me wedding gift, not even a champagne glass set 🙈. Wild child elder BIL gets numerous brand new cars bought for him, holidays, always with his hand out and always gets. He never finished college, never had a job longer than 5 mins, now developed a crack cocaine habit, in-laws still fund him.

let your mum make her choices - and you make yours. That’s how we look at it.

I don’t think that’s something people say and no one wants to think about their parents dying! But you should treat your children fairly and equally. It’s not even about the money, but why should her sister do nothing, be selfish and then receive a paid for house? I’d be annoyed too. And it would make me question her reasoning.

This and posters (most likely from the dsis position) are berating op and telling her to feel sorry for the sis, and that they, who are working and financially supporting themselves should take on responsibility for the dsis 'failure to launch' 😆the level of entitlement!

Smug

Reasonable or unreasonable don't enter into it - what you are is hurt. It's all very well saying, indeed believing, in proper alignment with all legal principles, that it's your mother's money and her perfect right to do as she pleases with it; but that's not the point. It's the treatment by your mother of her three children; the treatment is unequal; the unfairness is plain to see. And to feel.

But, still, let it go. Your mother is not about to cark it, for one thing; and your sister is too young for despair. Your mother is doing her no favours because the financial cushion is not fat enough for your sister to rest on it forever, even if living her life in idleness were to appeal. Why have things gone so wrong for her?

I feel your pain OP. We have a very similar situation. DF died last year. After DM passed away 20 years ago he secretly sold the family home at a knockdown price to youngest DSis (235k under market value). Before he died he let slip that he had subsequently given her tens of thousands more over the years, paid off a car loan for her & gave her 2 more cars. After he died we discovered that his will had been changed & she is now executor & in line for another payout. All through Covid she refused to do anything for him so I did everything for him - shopping, cleaning, diy/repairs. His actions have categorically destroyed our family (4 siblings) and I only have a relationship with my DBro now. Coincidentally my DF was also an alcoholic.

Just make it clear to them both that as she’s planning to sign the house over to little sis, your mum will be staying in the house with little sis and she can look after her!….

make it very clear that this arrangement means that you will not be doing any of the caring or running around … her getting the house is her wage as such for taking care of all your mother..

Then take a HUGE step back!