Mum leaving us an unequal inheritance

[InWithPeaceOutWithStress]

I have two sisters, youngest is 25 and still living at home and not working. Failed her degree as got very anxious about one (or two, not sure) of her exams and didn’t sit it. Hasn’t worked or done anything since.

Mum leaving house to her as she sees it as being equally her house whereas me and other sibling have since moved out. Feels really unfair that she is gifted a free home for life whereas we are saddled with our mortgages. Have never received financial help from my parents as an adult, nothing toward house deposit. Mum also has £180k savings which she says will be split between the three of us. My view is that’s her retirement money and she will (and should!) spend it.

It’s her right to do what she wants with her money. I’ve said I expect nothing from her but equally she can expect nothing from me going forward. She has previously relied on me to help her out - DIY around the house, driving her and my little sister around, taking my sister to and from uni at the time, taking in her cats when they got old and needed taking to the vets, I would previously do anything she asked (within reason).

Feels like she’s just using me and if she isn’t treating us fairly she can’t expect as much from me. Previously I had accepted that care in her old age would fall to me, eg driving her to appointments, helping her navigate things and get the right care. As little sister is really passive. She doesn’t cook, clean etc, no interest in learning to drive, or do anything really. I think if little sister isn’t planning to work and simply live off inheritance she should step up with our mum. She’s only 66 and has just retired but she’s been a heavy drinker for decades, only gave up smoking fairly recently, doesn’t exercise, so serious health issues may not be far away. She also can be quite a mean spirited person, not particularly friendly, and can be very rigid.

Feels like the big hearted thing for me to do is simply get over it, continue as I would had she hadn’t told me this, and deal with any resentment within myself as my issue to fix. I also feel quite rigid about this though and feel like I really cba anymore with either her or little sister. AIBU?

YABU.
I am one of three sisters.
I am saddled with a mortgage.
My older sister was given a house by a friend.
We have both said our mum should give our younger sister her house as she will never own a home. It's the right thing to do.
Sod being equal in inheritance, she loves us all equally.

Op you’re in an horrible situation here. It sounds like little sis is a spoilt princess could you and your older sibling put it on paper how she has already received a better head start to you both and ur dm is treating you unfairly as sis can and should work. It’s making you both feel that dm loves and cares more for little sis than both of you. Explain it’s not about the house it’s about being equals and you’re not feeling this. Tell her it hurts that she can let you both work hard tie yourself to mortgages when little sis has done nothing whatsoever with her life and now if the house goes to her she will never have to pay a mortgage or work hard whereas you both will have to keep grafting. If your dm doesn’t change her mind I would let little sis take on the responsibility of everything you were doing and you back off don’t fall out just be busy or working when she needs you. I feel for you as it’s hard when a favourite is obvious with a parent. Good luck I hope you can get through to her. Also look into inheritance tax because if she gets the house she might be liable.

I had something similar happen to me, but didn't know about until after my dad had died. The feeling of hurt was unreal. I really loved my dad and did so much with him, the feeling that he didn't think about treating me fairly was a real blow and damaged my memories of our relationship. Just because I had fought and worked bloody hard to get a house didn't in my mind make me believe I should have been treated differently.
I would try again to talk to your mum. It is really hard to deal with grief while also feeling angry/unfairly treated and unloved.

I’d feel exactly the same, in fact I know someone in a similar situation, house left to an uncle still living at home while his married sister and her kids got virtually nothing.
its your mums choice of course but I would be taking a step back, let the little sister step up for a change, and when she doesn’t, perhaps your mum will realise how unfair she’s being.

I totally sympathise . My parents were always financing my brother, thousands of pounds at a time and it does cause resentment because what you have you worked hard for. My brother couldn’t keep a job, overspent etc. I remember my mum buying his kids bikes and Santa stockings for his kids because she didn’t want them to lose out but she never seemed to notice how I scrimped and saved to provide my kids Christmas . I am absolutely even to a fault with my kids and grandchildren . It may not change her mind but I would make it clear you resent her playing favourites and enabling your sister . It’s patently not Fair at 25 she gets the house

1 Because equality isn’t equity and if she looks at the end goal (they all have a house to sleep in) she might not need to give the same amount.
2 she said she didn’t help to get anything so why stop as she now hears she will get less? If she can’t, she can’t but if she does that as a payback. Outch. The relation with her mum will tank
3 I do believe that same amount is best but we aren’t here coz op’s mum chose that is it? Neither to discuss what op’s mum should do (it is her money) no. We are trying to give advice to op facing quite the dig made to her and managing her feelings of needing to space out her own “giving/helping”. Doing less is different than “yeah, I am living you to it” that I read.

All in all. Her mum made this major decision out of love hoping her daughter will understand and now face the angry face of jealousy. It was predictable but she did it anyway.

I agree with u OP and so do the majority of people that have done the vote. Its unfair. Your going to get different opinions, like u do with everything....
However I could never do that to my children, i imagine it would be extremely hurtful. It seems the people who work hard or are nice people always get treated worse. I believe your mum is giving ur sister the easy option to not work and feeding her poor choices.

OP's mum is going to put half the house in the younger sister's name. At 66 this wouldn't seem a deprivation of assets if a) mum doesn't need a care home for at least ten years and b) it is seen as wanting to secure a home for her possibly nd child. My LA would accept this, I don't obviously know about others. Also cash would be used first and if mum has a good chunk of the 180k left, this might see her through the final years in a care home. Very few old people go into a home anyway and have carers in the home for as long as possible.
The younger sister already owning half the house would reduce the IHT if the estate necessitated it so a bit of a silver lining.

It's a shame property is worth so much these days as family love only seems to stretch so far with these vast sums involved.

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress you sound tired, and very hurt. This is so understandable given your mother’s addiction and everything you’ve tried to do to improve things. For her, and for your sisters. I agree the house should be split 3 ways. I also think her savings should be equally split.

I wish I had some advice to improve things for you but I have none. I just wanted to say, you sound lovely, and I hope you look after yourself as well as you do others.

Just wondering if your mum would consider leaving the house to your little sister and her savings to you and your other sister.

This happened to me. To be honest I have tried to put it behind me as I want to be the bigger person but it still upsets me. We didn’t have a conversation about it before she died so it was a massive shock. I would definitely talk to her about it and explain how you feel. It drove a wedge between me and my sibling that wasn’t really there before. I still feel quite bitter about it all and I wish I didn’t. Money can be very divisive.

I think it is understandable to be a little miffed in this situation. However, if your goodwill and loving acts towards your mother are contingent on an inheritance...well, that doesn't speak of a very loving relationship. It may simply be your mother knows your sister will be unable to fend for herself and wants to give her additional security that you do not need due to being self-sufficient. As PP's have mentioned this is all a little bit whataboutery anyway as a chunk of that money is likely going to be needed for your mother's care.

Surely the logic is not to make your sister homeless?

But that was your decision to suggest the allocation that way. Your mum may have chosen to give equally until you both decided a different split so completely different scenario

But her sister can get a job and mortgage like the others- she is choosing not to. There is no physical reason the younger sister cannot go out and work like the others. She just doesn’t want to. The logic is very flawed.

I sympathise with your feelings but tbh withdrawing your love and support over money doesnt paint you in a nice light either. Shes planning (although who knows what will happen with care homes and spending) on giving you £60k and you're spitting your dummy out because you want an equal 1/3rd or nothing?

Did you only do those things with an eye on inheritance? If you didn't what does it matter what shes chosen?

Sometimes treating people equally doesnt mean the same. YABU

As PP's have mentioned this is all a little bit whataboutery anyway as a chunk of that money is likely going to be needed for your mother's care.

Nope. Statistically, it’s very unlikely.

Money is the root of all evil unfortunately

Exactly This is what some people aren’t understanding- this sort of thing does often cause a wedge between families even if people shouldn’t care about the money. As much as people are saying the OP is being unreasonable the fact things just will never be the same again and potentially the mother will lose her daughter over it. Is it worth giving the younger daughter so much if you lose another daughter? Seems an odd decision to me.

That’s what I was wondering. She doesn’t seem to be functioning typically as an adult.

Mum has saved a lot and it’s a very generous inheritance, which she is splitting 3 ways.

Clearly she prefers to keep her house and pass it on to the DD who has lived her whole life there and not been able to make her own way in life, whatever the reasons (eg MH, ND).

I wouldn’t have an issue with this.

Either way I wouldn’t be allowing this. to affect my relationship with my DM and wouldn’t be resentful of the DSis.

And the DM in this situation is planning on giving the sister the house NOW, not when she dies. It will form no part of her estate. It is essentially a massive belated Christmas present. So how is it “gross”, or “crass” or anything else people have called it, to respond?

OP would be an idiot to continue ferrying them both around to appointments and running around doing DIY on a house that now belongs to her layabout sister.

Would you do DIY on your siblings’ houses if they were quite capable of doing it themselves but just didn’t fancy it? I certainly wouldn’t.

Well if that 60k leaves you mortgage free or close to it then you could potentially spend the rest of your adult life with sub £1k outgoings depending on your choices.

you three would end up in the same place no?

but I do think the inheritance for you is the icing on a cake of lingering unfairness
in your view

DM is giving the youngest daughter half of the house, not all of it.

We’re in the same position with DH’s mom and SIL. MIL denied for years that this is what she planned on doing, and then just casually dropped it into conversation one day.

Just like my parents, I believe that an estate should be split equally.

Read what OP says about her DM’s lifestyle.