Mum leaving us an unequal inheritance

[InWithPeaceOutWithStress]

I have two sisters, youngest is 25 and still living at home and not working. Failed her degree as got very anxious about one (or two, not sure) of her exams and didn’t sit it. Hasn’t worked or done anything since.

Mum leaving house to her as she sees it as being equally her house whereas me and other sibling have since moved out. Feels really unfair that she is gifted a free home for life whereas we are saddled with our mortgages. Have never received financial help from my parents as an adult, nothing toward house deposit. Mum also has £180k savings which she says will be split between the three of us. My view is that’s her retirement money and she will (and should!) spend it.

It’s her right to do what she wants with her money. I’ve said I expect nothing from her but equally she can expect nothing from me going forward. She has previously relied on me to help her out - DIY around the house, driving her and my little sister around, taking my sister to and from uni at the time, taking in her cats when they got old and needed taking to the vets, I would previously do anything she asked (within reason).

Feels like she’s just using me and if she isn’t treating us fairly she can’t expect as much from me. Previously I had accepted that care in her old age would fall to me, eg driving her to appointments, helping her navigate things and get the right care. As little sister is really passive. She doesn’t cook, clean etc, no interest in learning to drive, or do anything really. I think if little sister isn’t planning to work and simply live off inheritance she should step up with our mum. She’s only 66 and has just retired but she’s been a heavy drinker for decades, only gave up smoking fairly recently, doesn’t exercise, so serious health issues may not be far away. She also can be quite a mean spirited person, not particularly friendly, and can be very rigid.

Feels like the big hearted thing for me to do is simply get over it, continue as I would had she hadn’t told me this, and deal with any resentment within myself as my issue to fix. I also feel quite rigid about this though and feel like I really cba anymore with either her or little sister. AIBU?

so she's talking about giving you and your full sister £120k of the younger daughters dads insurance money.. money you aren't actually entitled to morally, but giving the youngest a 3rd, and the house.

And you feel like you're being shafted?

Jesus christ, some people are grabby.

Tell you what, tell her to give the youngest the £180k and split the house 3 ways instead.

I had something similar but I didn’t find out until after my mums death. Everything to my sister who still lived with her and nothing to me, had my own home, but not fair. I’m glad I didn’t know before (I suspected) because I may well have cut them out of my life and would have missed some of the lovely time I had with my mum before she died. I’ve come to terms with it, but it’s not fair, and I totally understand your attitude, I’d have been the same if I’d know. My sister and I no longer have any contact a side effect of this arrangement. But care costs will cut into any inheritance and whilst there may not be any it’s a high chance.

OP has done more than her fair share of providing care. After her youngest sister's dad died, OP, who was a young adult at the time, had to step up and look after her sister as her mum was drinking and couldn't cope.

She is now doing the same for her sister and her mum who take her for granted and show no appreciation. There is no reason why her 25 year old sister who is living with her mum and doesn't work can't provide the help and care that her mum needs. The unfair inheritance had just made OP wake up to the fact that her mum doesn't really care about her but still expects her to run around after her and her sister.

In every single thread about inheritance I always say the same thing; the money should be split equally. Any other arrangement just causes upset and heartache.

Its absolutely shitty on your mums behalf. Time to distance yourself, live your life and your younger sister can step up.

OP's mum's house was bought and paid off by the divorce settlement from OP's father before her sister was even born. So if OP's younger sister is entitled to all the insurance money, OP and her other sister should share the house between them.

nope, because op's mom is the mother to all 3.

all her personal assets should be split 3 ways.

anything from the younger daughters father should go to the younger DD

She has 180k savings, which would be forced into care home fees, if it came down to that.

While lil sis who doesn't cook or clean gets a free house. Not the same.

If the lion share of equity is left to lil sis, lil sis should be paying the lion share of fees.

I'm the same as you, I expect nothing at the end, but OP isn't asking to take a penny of anyone. She's just expecting the one being gifted a whole house to cover eventual housing.

Thanks for backing me in this thread.

Just to clarify - my mother worked and she paid off the last of her mortgage from some redundancy pay mid-career. All before my sister was born but just making the point that my mother works and hasn’t been living purely off money from her divorce and then life insurance payouts.

Also, it is guesswork (from me) that much of my mums savings are from the life insurance payout. He died 18 years ago and she has been spending it since then. She’s since had inheritance from both her parents (split equally between her and her sister) which I had forgotten about. And so inheritance from her parents must be a bulk of her current savings, I had just totally forgotten about that until now.

As someone like you who does so much for my mother I would be upset too. What if your sister starts seeing someone and moves them in? If she married and divorced they could end up with half (more than you!). If she really wants to give the house to your sister I would have thought it fairer to split the money just between you and your other sibling. Your sister would have the house but she’d have to act like an adult to pay the bills. I also would be inclined to step back (though if you’re anything like me I would probably end up getting drawn back in).

That's disgusting, I'd take the hit the sister can have it all and honestly forget about the both of them and that's not selfish because it should be fair and as it's not I would simply get rid.

And it's not I don't practice what I preach because I have dropped my family, they were more trouble than they were worth so just get rid.

She sounds like a real freeloader, I don't blame you for being pissed off OP. Does your sister want a job or is she suffering with 'mental health' issues like so many younger freeloaders seem to have these days. She'll have to have a very good reason if she wants to claim benefits for the rest of her life.

The insurance pay out was paid to OP's mother, not to her sister. So it is part of her mum's personal assets and should be split three ways. You can't have it both ways. If the divorce settlement from OP's dad was used by her mum to buy the house but you consider it to be her mum's personal asset to be split three ways, the same goes for the insurance payout which was left to OP's mum.

Your sister sounds vulnerable, possibly neuro diverse so maybe more vulnerable than you and your other sister.
I doubt your sister is this way by choice, she needs support.
Your mum is probably worried about her future so I can kinda see her rationale.
But obviously this is going to be extremely and divisive.
Money or inheritance shouldn't equal love but there's no getting away that it can feel like it as its a way of showing someone how important they are to you.
Obviously your mum is still young, could live another 20 years and could also end up in care home so house would be used for fees
But I would gently and calmly explain how rejected and taken for granted pyou feel and that you would also appreciate some financial support.
I would also try and think of ways to support your younger sister, perhaps explore neuro diversity, seek support of counsellor or psychologist. Explore work options.
Is it possible to resit the last year of uni?
If inheritance was split 3 ways would your sister be able to buy a small flat?

Yes if she died tomorrow my little sister would get £280k house + £60k savings = £340k. I would get £60k.

In reality her savings will be spent in retirement - on living or on care fees.

I was mistaken saying all her savings are from life insurance from sisters dad. She’s had inheritance since then from her parents.

It seems unnecessarily complicated to try to work out different pots of money based on when she acquired it though. Why not just do an equal split?

Little sister is only 25. She’s had a private education, she’s very smart, no reason not to work like the rest of us. She has a head start that we didn’t have in that she has inheritance she could use as a house deposit whereas my older sister and I worked and saved for a deposit.

If she signs the house over and doesn’t live for another seven years there is potentially an inheritance tax liability depending on the value of the house. Nil rate band is currently £325,000 so if it’s worth significantly more than this then any amount over this would be subject to 40% tax.

IHT 7 year rule won't apply, as the mum is continuing to live there it is a "gift with reservation of benefit" and IHT will apply regardless of time.

The Nil Rate Band is £325K + a residence Nil Rate Band of £175K, and if the mum was married at the time of his death she potentially inherited his unused NRB & RNRB, could be up to £1M tax free

This recently happened to my DM but she only found out in the weeks before my DGM died. My dm and her brother were left 25% each (both married, own homes and work full time) and 50% was left to her Ds who is divorced, doesn’t own a home and doesn’t work. It caused a lot of upset

it's often done on need though.

i know it's different, but my moms will is heavily biased in my favour.. my brother and his wife both have 6 figure salaries, and own their own home.

I'm a carer, living in moms house with my disabled kid, surviving on benefits, i also care for Mom.. so yes, while the house has technically been left to both of us on her death, there is a legal clause that allows me to live here as long as i like, on the understanding if ever i move, that either we co-own the next house, or we split the sale price.

My brother 100% supports this because he knows i can't afford my own home, and even selling this one and splitting it two ways wouldn't even cover what he and his wife earn in 3 months. He wouldn't see me left homeless when mom passes away and has told me he will never expect me to sell it/split it.

Would it perhaps be worth suggesting something like this to you mom? where the house is legally left to 3 of you, but your sister is allowed to stay there until she wants to sell/move?

This is bigger than not getting an equal inheritance. It sounds like you’ve come second fiddle to your other sibling for years, despite doing a lot for your mother . It feels like this is the straw that broke the camels back.

You can try to explain to your mum how you feel but I doubt it will work. I’d slowly withdraw and look at some counciling for yourself to help work with boundaries and that your self worth isn’t dependent on a person who doesn’t appreciate you.

She will have live another 7 years and even then, if she needs social care SS might decide she deliberately disposed of her home in such a way as to put it out of their reach,

Your little sister - the more yountell usvabout her, the less she sounds like a timid loser andbthe morecshe sounds like she's got your mum under her thumb

If your sister lives there it can’t be sold to pay for care home fees. You can reassure her on that front.

As other posters have pointed out she did have a poor start in life, alcoholic troubled mother and her dad died when she was a small child. We have similar issues in regard to possible autism, anxiety, low self esteem, terrible social skills. But my mother pushed me out into employment and independent living. And I pushed myself out too into working, socialising, and accessing therapy. I always had a lot of empathy and compassion for my little sister but I feel like I’ve had enough now as nothing comes back my way.

It's a fairly human reaction to step right back when it's made clear you're less valued though.

My disabled brother in law expects us to look after him when his parents can no longer do so. We're willing to do this. I'm fact, we've already made some significant sacrifices to help him.

Nevertheless, he's leaving everything to his other brother, and nothing to my husband (ie the brother who's actually helped him!) or to our children.

I see that as hurtful and ungrateful. And yes, it takes me more grace and love to support him now than it did before we learned about his will.