Mum leaving us an unequal inheritance

[InWithPeaceOutWithStress]

I have two sisters, youngest is 25 and still living at home and not working. Failed her degree as got very anxious about one (or two, not sure) of her exams and didn’t sit it. Hasn’t worked or done anything since.

Mum leaving house to her as she sees it as being equally her house whereas me and other sibling have since moved out. Feels really unfair that she is gifted a free home for life whereas we are saddled with our mortgages. Have never received financial help from my parents as an adult, nothing toward house deposit. Mum also has £180k savings which she says will be split between the three of us. My view is that’s her retirement money and she will (and should!) spend it.

It’s her right to do what she wants with her money. I’ve said I expect nothing from her but equally she can expect nothing from me going forward. She has previously relied on me to help her out - DIY around the house, driving her and my little sister around, taking my sister to and from uni at the time, taking in her cats when they got old and needed taking to the vets, I would previously do anything she asked (within reason).

Feels like she’s just using me and if she isn’t treating us fairly she can’t expect as much from me. Previously I had accepted that care in her old age would fall to me, eg driving her to appointments, helping her navigate things and get the right care. As little sister is really passive. She doesn’t cook, clean etc, no interest in learning to drive, or do anything really. I think if little sister isn’t planning to work and simply live off inheritance she should step up with our mum. She’s only 66 and has just retired but she’s been a heavy drinker for decades, only gave up smoking fairly recently, doesn’t exercise, so serious health issues may not be far away. She also can be quite a mean spirited person, not particularly friendly, and can be very rigid.

Feels like the big hearted thing for me to do is simply get over it, continue as I would had she hadn’t told me this, and deal with any resentment within myself as my issue to fix. I also feel quite rigid about this though and feel like I really cba anymore with either her or little sister. AIBU?

I get this, my DM & DF have gifted my elder sister cars and done up houses, babysat her children the lot but when I was pregnant with my first I got told “don’t expect us to babysit, and my DF said “you’ll never work again now being a single mum” couldn’t believe it, everything I’ve done I’ve struggled for myself and my sister although she no longer speaks to my parents thinks they’ve done the same for me as they have done for her and it’s just not the case! She tells me repeatedly “you’ve still got mum and dad, I dont” and it makes me want to scream because they’ve actually never helped me! I dread to think what their wills say when they pass! I don’t care about that even I just wish they would be more “present” in my current life

Deprivation of assets only comes into play if care is imminent and in this case I’m not sure it is? So the house can be ring fenced.
I also think, although could be wrong on this, that inheritance tax is waived if the family home is passed down to children…,thought I’d read it somewhere?
either way, this is a horrid situation and massive resentment will ensue … the only person who will really come off worse is your mum… 2 older siblings will become estranged, remaining daughter will not cope with the care responsibilities… unless mum does lasting power of attorney, she can be put in a care home should she lose capacity … she will, I fear, come off very badly in this scenario. I feel for you OP.

I would imagine that OP is just sick of providing care for her family. After her half-sister's dad died when OP was a young adult, OP had to provide a lot of care for her much younger sister as her mum was drinking heaviliy and couldn't cope.

She obviously still does a lot of running around for her sister and her mum. Her help is taken for granted and not appreciated. Why wouldn't she pull back and let them get on with it?

you should watch American Dad ‘now and Gwen’ episode as it deals with his dilemma and the eventual outcome!

Although you and your other sibling have mortgages, you will own a property whereas your sister sounds like she wouldn’t be in a position to do so. Your mother feels this is the fairest option and to an extent she has a point. Ultimately you should make peace with your mother’s decision. And the tit for tat attitude that you won’t do anything in return now where you would have if you were inheriting more is awful.

You're not entitled to her assets this is true.
But she's not entitled to your labour either.

If you don't want to help her then don't.
Suggest your sister does it.

No, you are wrong on both counts, councils can, and do trawl back years looking for deprivation of assets - there have been cases of 20+ years - they don't always do that, but in such a blatant case they would have a duty to investigate and have powers to recover the asset.

Councils can apply a discretionary disregard to the house, and may well do that if the daughter has provided significant care, for example nursing the mum at home until the last 6 months of her life, most LAs would then disregard the asset on the basis the daughter has saved the LA tens if not hundreds of thousands. If however as soon as the mum gets frail the daughter wants her in a home they won't play.

IHT applies, but there are reliefs which, if there is a house involved can be up to £500K per person and £1M per married couple, which in practice means most estates are tax free.

That’s what my older sister and I said. Surely if anything little sister should get the savings and we get the house. We don’t understand our mothers logic.

Although now I’m thinking about it, my mother recently inherited from her mother and before that from her dad. So a large part of the £180k is likely from inheritance. I don’t really have any idea how much was left over from the death of DSis dad. It was 18 years ago so much of it will have gone.

I think sometimes parents type cast their children and I suspect you have been type cast into the role of "coper", or "care giver" while your sister has been viewed as someone who doesn't cope that well. She may end up being primary care giver though and there is the potential for her to feel resentment and trapped if she feels she can't leave home due to caring responsibilities. The house could end up feeling a bit like a gilded cage.

My parents made a will when I was still living at home in my early 20's . My older sister had bought a flat. The will said I could live in the house as long as I wanted after they passed. (That didn't happen as I later got married and had my own home) . Upon selling the house it would have been split 50/50 which seemed fair

Lifes not fair.

My mum was widowed by step dad number 1. She received his life insurance and pension pay out, they owned a house together. She invested the money she got mostly, some was used to update the house, add an extension, new kitchen etc. She then, a few year later remarried step dad 2, he owned a house too, of much lesser value he had 2 children, my mum has 3. 7 years after the money was invested, she took that money and set up a now successful busines. It was started 100% with her money from my step dad 1 passing away. They both sold their respective houses and bought a much bigger, much nicer, much much more valuble house together.

Their wills state that the assets, business, and any money, will be split in half, then my mums divided 3 ways, and my stepdad 2's 2 ways. If one of them dies, the deceased's half will go to their children upon the death of the living partner. So we get 1/6th, my step siblings get 1/4. My step siblings who also were gifted house deposits by my step dad from the sale of his original house, where as my self and my siblings got nada.

It is what it is, theres no point in destroying my relationship with my parents over this. So i just suck it up and move on, and hope by the time they pass away, ill be too old to be bothered by it.

It is difficult in these situations. We are 4 children and one of the siblings hasn’t made much of an effort for years with my mum and I know my mum intends to leave her very little, which makes me feel hugely uncomfortable. At the end of the day it’s a parent‘s decision who gets what, accepting it is best. Money isn’t everything.

You need to sit down with your DM and understand where she is coming from. I suspect she is worried that Dsis will be potentially homeless if she doesn't gift her the house. But surely there are other ways of giving Dsis security, like splitting the house equally but with a stipulation that Dsis can live there as long as she wants. However sounds like your DM is a bit ignorant of inheritance tax here and you should probs take some advice before trying to have that conversation again, this time emphasising how your DMs objectives can be met and not just yours.

There is no certainty anyone will get anything, even the house- you don't know it is completely free and clear.
Your mother is 66 and the law of averages suggests she has about 2 decades to go- so all the money and the house could be gone by then.
Really this seems like resentment towards your younger sister, and signing over the house is unlikely to work if there are care fees to pay for- people sometimes get away with it, but with an aging population and a bankrupt government it is unlikely to work in the future.
I think your best bet is to encourage your mother to expect some support from your younger sister, and other relatives, but continue to help from time to time- she is still your mother and the idea support has to be paid for, even from a daughter is an ugly one- you still have to live with yourself.
Your younger sister lives with your mother so the bulk of care responsibilities will naturally fall to her.
When she asks you why you are no longer offering the level of support you did, be honest tell her you are not happy-she'll get the picture, far more eloquently than you making a pitch for a 3 way split.

Turn it the other way round and your younger sister has been living rent free and financially supported so that's years of money.

I do believe most parents would split equally and be fair, no matter the circumstances of DC.

I've put yanbu. Xxx

This sounds like alcoholic thinking, even if she’s not drinking - it’s all based in chaos, and random thoughts.

This really resonates, and your advice, thanks.

Feels like you are punishing your mom to love and making sure your younger sister is sorted and that you had motives after all.

inheritance should be equal but I am not sure how she could do that leaving your younger sister with nothing or were you in some race to win the “succeeded” place and is now miffed coz your sister can claim to it?

seems little. But then again your mom told you to avoid dispute after her death so she knew it wouldn’t go down well.
just keep doing the helping as much as you can…

In that case I’d also explain that your younger sister should be responsible for all caring.

i think to leave equal shares is the most fair unless there are extenuating circumstances so i can understand how you feel

I think my sister feels entitled to it. When I tried raising this issue with my DM, DS was rolling her eyes and laughing and saying - oh we’re not talking about this are we. My DM got quite snappy with me and refused to talk about it. She said, it’s my money, I think it’s fair, I’ll do what I like with it.

I suspect she’s worried about how youngest will fend for herself as she doesn’t sound very resilient.

1. How would OP's mum splitting the inheritance equally between her three daughters mean that her younger sister would be left with nothing?
2. Why should OP keep helping her mum and sister when her sister is a 25 year old adult with no job who lives with her mum, so she is the obvious person to help their mum.
3. Are you OP's mum because this post sounds as though it has been written by someone who has had too much to drink.

I'd have the same reaction to you. My father is in a care home, fees covered by pensions. But if it were just my mum, and she was leaving everything to my sibling, I'd expect my sibling to pay the fees.

What, so I end up broke or in debt to pay for those (extorniate) fees while my sister lives mortgage free and doesn't even work? Nope.

Minor house repairs, I'd continue to do while my mum lives at home. The driving around, only proportionate to the number of siblings.

You said, “ she can expect nothing from me going forward” that makes me feel sick… 2 wrongs don,t make a right, do things for yr mother or anyone else out of the good ess in yr heart. yes yr mother is wrong, bit work thru it,have a family meeting and work it out, theres 180k you could have a share of..somyou could be jumping to conclusionsThere was no inheritance for me as parents simply dont have the money. . Wouldnt cross my mond to take a penny off anyone, i help alot of folk in my village just out of goodness, sit back and consider your attitude

You’re allowed to feel upset of course. But it’s not your money it’s hers - she could leave every penny to her next door neighbour and nothing to yourself or siblings if she wanted to in theory - you’re allowed to tell her how you feel- if she wants to change her mind she can, if she doesn’t she doesn’t and your allowed to take whatever course of action you choose best after the fact.