Mum leaving us an unequal inheritance

[InWithPeaceOutWithStress]

I have two sisters, youngest is 25 and still living at home and not working. Failed her degree as got very anxious about one (or two, not sure) of her exams and didn’t sit it. Hasn’t worked or done anything since.

Mum leaving house to her as she sees it as being equally her house whereas me and other sibling have since moved out. Feels really unfair that she is gifted a free home for life whereas we are saddled with our mortgages. Have never received financial help from my parents as an adult, nothing toward house deposit. Mum also has £180k savings which she says will be split between the three of us. My view is that’s her retirement money and she will (and should!) spend it.

It’s her right to do what she wants with her money. I’ve said I expect nothing from her but equally she can expect nothing from me going forward. She has previously relied on me to help her out - DIY around the house, driving her and my little sister around, taking my sister to and from uni at the time, taking in her cats when they got old and needed taking to the vets, I would previously do anything she asked (within reason).

Feels like she’s just using me and if she isn’t treating us fairly she can’t expect as much from me. Previously I had accepted that care in her old age would fall to me, eg driving her to appointments, helping her navigate things and get the right care. As little sister is really passive. She doesn’t cook, clean etc, no interest in learning to drive, or do anything really. I think if little sister isn’t planning to work and simply live off inheritance she should step up with our mum. She’s only 66 and has just retired but she’s been a heavy drinker for decades, only gave up smoking fairly recently, doesn’t exercise, so serious health issues may not be far away. She also can be quite a mean spirited person, not particularly friendly, and can be very rigid.

Feels like the big hearted thing for me to do is simply get over it, continue as I would had she hadn’t told me this, and deal with any resentment within myself as my issue to fix. I also feel quite rigid about this though and feel like I really cba anymore with either her or little sister. AIBU?

This.

i think the reason to split the money 3 ways is easier and means they don’t have to sell the home their sis lives in.

because really she shouldn’t be giving anyone other than the youngest any money. Is the property worth more than the 180k?

Because OPs mum is considering splitting her youngest dd £ between the 3 of them rather than the house.

so possibly she also taken other inheritances into account in making her decisions. Most decisions don’t happen in a vacuum and will be informed by the surrounding circumstances.

Equality works both ways.

Otherwise it's a wedge and they are uncomfortable byf good at keeping some doors open and some closed.

It is unfair. Especially as you know about it.
Perhaps you're being expected to work for your equality?

I think it's shit. Crap siblings twats.

Little sister has seen inheritance/ insurance from her own father as she’s had her own pension from her dad. Our mum has been spending her pension on private education for little sister and all inclusive holidays (which we never had growing up but totally supported - we were very happy to see little sister having a good life).

My father has two step kids so inheritance from him is being split 4 ways.

My OP was long enough as it was. I didn’t want to bore people into not responding. Often in these threads people ask relevant questions which helps you build on information you’ve already shared. That’s just the way it goes.

Yes this is exactly it. Thank you.

splitting inheritance with his non biological children is a bit weird.

it sounds like your DM had more money / stability later in life and this has benefitted the youngest and is contributing to resentment.

you can only let your DM know how it feels but also your father.

House is worth about £280k currently

What is the inheritance situation with your own father, aside from him having 2 step kids and it being split 4 ways? What is the estimated value of his estate? Does he have a will? Is any of that part of your mother's reasoning?

and all inclusive holidays (which we never had growing up but totally supported - we were very happy to see little sister having a good life).

Someone up thread noted that you'd made another thread unhappy about the holiday, and saying your mother should gift you the same money. Is that true? (I'm not in the habit of delving into other people's post history).

She most likely is. I suspect my mother is. And lots of my family. My older sister, nephew, a few cousins have been diagnosed with autism. I’m on a waiting list. We can see traits in our grandparents. I’ve really struggled in life and still do but had to just get on with it. That’s also what stings. My mum and little sister are not looking into it or seeking diagnosis.

No I’ve never made a thread saying I’m unhappy with my mum taking little sister on holiday. I’ve never requested money be gifted me from either parent.

Not sure about my dad and his wife’s estate. Similar value house, don’t think they have high savings, he has a decent pension (teacher).

My mum definitely isn’t expecting my dad to leave me anything. In fact the last message I had from her said “I’m leaving you £60k which is more than you’ll get from your dad so what are you complaining about”. She doesn’t believe he will get round to setting up a trust for his share of the house meaning it would all go to his wife and then her kids after that.

So basically you’ve ended up as a carer at 18yo for your mum and little sister after your step dad died.
And since then you’ve been the one your mum has called each time Theres an issue. Because your role as the strong, caring and reliable one is well established.

But somehow your mum has just told you you’re not worth of any support, unlike your little sister. You just be grateful to get £60k instead (never mind that money is unlikely to be there when your mum dies).

Im not surprised you’re angry. There’s no recognition of the help and effort you’ve put to support them. And whilst you do have a life/house/family, and your dsister might well be ND and needing support herself, this doesn’t mean your input shouldn’t be recognised.
Im guessing that your mum is taking your help for granted too. Which is why the split is feeling even more unfair.

I get where you’re coming from tbh. You’ve told her how you felt. Your older sister has too. You’re stepping back because you’re hurt. Like most people would. Time to see what’s your mum reaction to that.
She might make you the vilain who is transactional. She might want to make amends. The only thing you can see is watch and see how it will go.

Every time I read a thread about people's unhappiness about the split in their parents' wills, I'm always delighted that I have absolutely no idea what my 90 year old DF has put in his will! I know he's made one and that's it. It means that I can just carry on with my life - seeing him, doing things for him etc - without any of these bitter feelings that seem to arise when people know the details in advance.

Unless your mother is terribly ill, 66 seems rather young to tell you how much to expect in her will. Her house and other assets may have all been used up by the time she dies anyway.

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress I will just say here that parents who differentiate children like this do not realise the harm and hurt that their actions cause!!! this makes the older two siblings feel less loved, which is not acceptable!

Thank you for this. Yes I have certainly been playing that role. I do see my DSis as victim to my mum’s needs. She hasn’t individuated at all. I’m as powerless over that as my mums alcohol use which I spent far too much energy trying to change as a young adult.

Feels like the big hearted thing for me to do is simply get over it, continue as I would had she hadn’t told me this, and deal with any resentment within myself as my issue to fix. I also feel quite rigid about this though and feel like I really cba anymore with either her or little sister. AIBU?

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress you are definitely NBU. It must be very hurtful to be treated so unequally and to be thought of so little - your mother is quite thoughtless.

Can you tell her how you feel. I get the sense that it's not about the money/property as such for you, but the inequality & preference in treatment of her three daughters.

So can you tell her how her decision makes you feel overlooked & taken for granted? That it's not about the house/money, but about the difference in treatment.

You've worked hard and without very much support. You should be proud of that, but still, love from one's parents is pretty important, and your mother seems almost indifferent towards you in this matter.

Also, I get the pain of one sibling being helped because they are so useless & helpless, while others have to cope. I'm a coper, but that doesn't mean I haven't suffered, felt pain, or experienced difficulty in my life, and it used to really piss me off when my father assumed I'd always be alright, whereas one of his many women's offspring (not his DC) needed help (and his money).

I agree with Mojitos. Signing a house over to someone isn’t that simple, especially if your mother dies within 7 years. Your sister could have a whole lot of money to shell out then and if the property is worth over £800,000 she’ll have to pay inheritance tax. It’s an upsetting situation for you and I understand how you feel. Also has your mother really done this or is she telling you all this so your little sister remains at home to ultimately care for her? Sometimes people tell family one thing but then when the will is read, things are different. Just saying.

I didn't say that.
I meant that it sounds like the younger sister may not be capable of supporting herself for some reason I thought was perhaps hinted at but not fully explained.

I always see lots of comments on posts like these like “it’s her money, she can do what she wants with it.” I find it very annoying. People just don’t get it. Whatever children’s situation (rich, poor, inbetween) all children should be left the same.
often houses have been purchased with “family money” as well.
as you mention OP, you and your older sibling pay mortgages and your sister would have no mortgage. (I assume she will stay living with your mum til until she inherits.)
I ask everyone to question if they didn’t have to pay a mortgage/rent each month, how much they could save. Even paying a share of a mortgage, surely average is around 500 you’d have extra. So yes, it’s very unfair.
hard thing is, if you mention this, I’m sure you might get the “all you care about is money” chat.
id try to have a gentle conversation with your mum and raise your concerns. Say you’d hope everything would be split equally so it’s fair.
hate that you’ve been put in this position OP. As you said, if your mum won’t change her mind then yes, you should not take her to appointments etc.
what does your younger sibling (one who will inherit) think of it? Does she agree it’s unfair to her advantage?

You’ve decided that your willingness to engage with your mum and half sister is a function of your mums view on how to divide her estate. That estate is heavily contributed to by your half sisters dads life insurance payment.

You’re clear in that view - and it’s good to stand to your principles, but seeing family support as a function of financial value allocation is a pretty sad situation.

You and your half sister clearly had very different life experiences so there’s no potential for comparing like with like.

You are completely right to be furious at your mother. In any inheritance thread on MN, the vast majority of responses correctly state that parents should always split inheritances amongst their children equally (there may be exceptional circumstances where this is not appropriate, eg equalising gifts given during their lifetime, but this is not the case here).

You can’t just sign houses over now it’s not that easy

'but equally she can expect nothing from me going forward'

I would imagine it is this kind of attitude from you that makes her not want to give you the house.

I agree OP. People don't always think that things can change at any time. Eg. You could get ill or your sister could marry a rich man or win the lottery. Things can change. That's why it's fairer and causes less resentment to split things equally.

“Neurodivergent” … as in pathology?

as in smoking, drinking and a poor diet/lifestyle have contributed to DNA damage and cognitive decline? Yes, this is trans generational.

take yoir brain health seriously and stop repeating these nonsense buzz words like “neuro divergence”. It is poor brain health, that’s what it is, and your mom sounds like she’s not all there if she’s leaving you unequal amounts

personally I think you and your sister should get more cash if the other gets the whole house. You could argue she has experienced ND as in NEURO DECLINE