Mum leaving us an unequal inheritance

[InWithPeaceOutWithStress]

I have two sisters, youngest is 25 and still living at home and not working. Failed her degree as got very anxious about one (or two, not sure) of her exams and didn’t sit it. Hasn’t worked or done anything since.

Mum leaving house to her as she sees it as being equally her house whereas me and other sibling have since moved out. Feels really unfair that she is gifted a free home for life whereas we are saddled with our mortgages. Have never received financial help from my parents as an adult, nothing toward house deposit. Mum also has £180k savings which she says will be split between the three of us. My view is that’s her retirement money and she will (and should!) spend it.

It’s her right to do what she wants with her money. I’ve said I expect nothing from her but equally she can expect nothing from me going forward. She has previously relied on me to help her out - DIY around the house, driving her and my little sister around, taking my sister to and from uni at the time, taking in her cats when they got old and needed taking to the vets, I would previously do anything she asked (within reason).

Feels like she’s just using me and if she isn’t treating us fairly she can’t expect as much from me. Previously I had accepted that care in her old age would fall to me, eg driving her to appointments, helping her navigate things and get the right care. As little sister is really passive. She doesn’t cook, clean etc, no interest in learning to drive, or do anything really. I think if little sister isn’t planning to work and simply live off inheritance she should step up with our mum. She’s only 66 and has just retired but she’s been a heavy drinker for decades, only gave up smoking fairly recently, doesn’t exercise, so serious health issues may not be far away. She also can be quite a mean spirited person, not particularly friendly, and can be very rigid.

Feels like the big hearted thing for me to do is simply get over it, continue as I would had she hadn’t told me this, and deal with any resentment within myself as my issue to fix. I also feel quite rigid about this though and feel like I really cba anymore with either her or little sister. AIBU?

She wouldn't know about it if her mother hadn't spoken about it, would she? So now she knows, why shouldnt she be hurt exactly?

There's a time frame for this, so mum sign's over property to daughter, but this has a 9 year could be more now, were ss can use proceeds to pay for nursing care in the event your mum may need care ie, nursing care or residential care, so might not go sisters way op,
I don't agree what mums doing, house should be split 3 ways, but again if mum needs care, same thing happens here, weather house is in all your names or just hers,
You can look up , under social services app and see what the time scale is,
Sister can still live in the home but the cost of care will be on the home,
Good luck with conversation with your mum op, she needs to know how you feel, and maybe explain her reasons why

I doubt given the mothers lifestyle is catching up on her that she will last the requisite time to save the youngest daughter from saying inheritance tax and the house to be sold.

The whole will is a mess and open to all sorts of issues. I doubt the mother took onboard any advise if she had any and it’s just going to mean that her youngest is going to be left with a huge headache, bills to pay and no understanding or maturity in how to run a house

What a spiteful mother

HMRC sent an estate agent around the house to value it's rental value £1200 pcm. Which is why the trust was dismantled

I agree with this 100%.

Funny how people say you don't HAVE to provide care for your parents, but when someone decides not to, others whine about it.

It sounds like your mum is making some very poor decisions and sounds unpleasant. I'd be taking a step back and expecting younger sister to do more. I would definitely be upset to experience unfairness like this and I don't need money. It's the principle.

You’re missing the point. The sisters are being treated differently which equals a different split in the love shown to them by their mother. The inheritance is a metaphor.

I haven't read it all, but just in case no-one has mentioned that if she signs it over to your sister your sister can
a chuck her out
b sell it

It doesn't end with a trust every ten years the trustees have to pay HMRC ten percent of the value of the trust 1% a year. We've just paid the 10% . And are clear for another decade.

It costs money and time to set up trusts believe me we've liased with solicitors and accountants HMRC are very resistant.

Perhaps a bit off topic, but I’m really pleased my mum didn’t sign over her house to us to avoid paying care home fees. She was able to get appropriate, really good care in a home we could choose for her. I don’t know where she might have ended up if it had been up to the local authority, and it would have been heartbreaking going to visit her knowing she wasn’t cared for adequately. I really hope this doesn’t happen to your mum.

And there's that as well if she doesn't pay her daughter rent. Although I think she's passed over only 50%.

I don’t have the time to look at the cost of every care home in the UK, I was talking about averages. The average cost, per week, is £1.4K. So £180K will cover more than two years.

Totally agree. And if the wealthier of the children wish to pass on their inheritance to the poorer siblings then that's up to them. Not the parents who should divide inheritance equally.

No, I get the point, and still disagree that money equates to love.

As above, there are several reasons why the sisters are being treated differently.

I am in a potentially similar position, OP.

I agree - it should be fairly split between the three daughters. Your youngest needs to learn how to stand on her own two feet.

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress good luck to your divided family in the future!! you and your sister v your mum and your sis. sis, though she has the opportunity to vary the will, will never share and she will be on her own dealing with life. all down to your mum!

Is your dad still around?

You don’t have a choice if you end up with dementia or are otherwise unable to live at home, unless she can afford full time care.

I totally understand where you're coming from. Id feel the same.

Ultimately it's not about what she's done, it is about why she has done it (or rather why you FEEL she has done it). You feel slighted and that she prefers your younger sister to you and other sister (or at least that this is preferential treatment of her). And you say your mum won't change her mind. Therefore all you can do is respond accordingly. If it were me I'd stop doing all the helping you do until your mum makes clear that she values you - does she do that in other ways? If not I'd be heavily reducing contact as it is just too painful otherwise.

Alternatively could you appeal tp your younger sister and see if she can get her to change her mind? If this was me I'd be jumping up to get my parent to change their plans and treat all siblings fairly.

Couldn’t agree more!!!

Same as my family. A relative left £50k each to two family members and a 3rd thought she was getting a share. Now her kids won’t speak to the other family and in the end there were even arguments about who got the alcohol on the drinks cupboard.

Nothing like money to cause a huge family rift, so it’s wise to think about the potential fallout and consequences of making these decisions, because when you’re gone you don’t have to deal with it and there’s no going back.

Do you actually love your little sister? I'm similar to your sister but nearly 30 years older although I have been married and have children. But I'm divorced now so that makes little difference financially.

I'd be destitute without a bigger share of my mum's inheritance because I'm autistic (so failed to 'launch') and now have health issues. It sounds as if your little sister might be ND too. I can assure you that you wouldn't want to be in her shoes - let alone in her head.

Plus, you're still getting 60k.

All that said, I have one very academic DS and one who's failed to 'launch' (I hate that expression, which implies that people are only valuable if they are able to follow the conventional path) and I will be leaving them an equal amount. That could change in the future but only with much discussion with both DS's. I'm very pragmatic when it comes to money. I don't care if they want my money because I want them to be ok financially. I don't see it as being grabby - it's about survival.

I feel for you as this is bit more complex than three daughters with the same parents.
Your mum probably sees you and your sister as ‘sorted’ in fact you became a parent to her in many ways at 18. So she thinks that you will be fine, and I should imagine, will also see you as the one who will step in and provide care.
Also, she she’s your ‘little sister’ as the one who needs the help, and a home. I cared for both of my parents in their home. While she might have the optics of an ‘easy’ life I reckon living with your mother is probably awful for her. Not that she needs a whole house as compensation. At some point, she hasn’t been shown the ropes of life.
Your mum would be better off with a proper will, and some impartial advice.
This sounds like alcoholic thinking, even if she’s not drinking - it’s all based in chaos, and random thoughts.
Also, even at 66 she may live for 20 years despite the health problems. Heaven knows where we all be then in terms of care, and rules and regulations.
Tell your mum your thoughts, even if she’s kicks back.
You don’t have to hold her hostage - no inheritance no care provided - but perhaps mention that as your sister lives with her you can now assume going forward all care for your mum and home maintenance etc can be covered between them?
Don’t go in all guns blazing, but certainly let her know that actions have consequences?

YANBU

I would do the same. Tell her her clear favourite do nothing child can sort her out; you're done. I would tell your other sister to do the same.