Mum leaving us an unequal inheritance

[InWithPeaceOutWithStress]

I have two sisters, youngest is 25 and still living at home and not working. Failed her degree as got very anxious about one (or two, not sure) of her exams and didn’t sit it. Hasn’t worked or done anything since.

Mum leaving house to her as she sees it as being equally her house whereas me and other sibling have since moved out. Feels really unfair that she is gifted a free home for life whereas we are saddled with our mortgages. Have never received financial help from my parents as an adult, nothing toward house deposit. Mum also has £180k savings which she says will be split between the three of us. My view is that’s her retirement money and she will (and should!) spend it.

It’s her right to do what she wants with her money. I’ve said I expect nothing from her but equally she can expect nothing from me going forward. She has previously relied on me to help her out - DIY around the house, driving her and my little sister around, taking my sister to and from uni at the time, taking in her cats when they got old and needed taking to the vets, I would previously do anything she asked (within reason).

Feels like she’s just using me and if she isn’t treating us fairly she can’t expect as much from me. Previously I had accepted that care in her old age would fall to me, eg driving her to appointments, helping her navigate things and get the right care. As little sister is really passive. She doesn’t cook, clean etc, no interest in learning to drive, or do anything really. I think if little sister isn’t planning to work and simply live off inheritance she should step up with our mum. She’s only 66 and has just retired but she’s been a heavy drinker for decades, only gave up smoking fairly recently, doesn’t exercise, so serious health issues may not be far away. She also can be quite a mean spirited person, not particularly friendly, and can be very rigid.

Feels like the big hearted thing for me to do is simply get over it, continue as I would had she hadn’t told me this, and deal with any resentment within myself as my issue to fix. I also feel quite rigid about this though and feel like I really cba anymore with either her or little sister. AIBU?

Amazing how many people struggle to understand that some families are not blessed with unconditional love, end up having purely transactional relations and just cannot rally around someone having major life difficulties. In these set ups, money and support are substitutes for love, and can indeed cause a lot of resentment and hurt. The OP is not being grabby, and sanctimonious comments aren't helping, really.

Her mother is apparently 66. And OP is fretting about a will🙄

Actually, we don't even know if the OP's mother hasn't told them why – all we know is that the OP disagrees with it. OP has said 'I believe my mums savings are largely from life insurance payout that she received when he died. So this is playing into why she thinks my little sister is entitled to more than me and my older sister.' – so it sounds like she has discussed why. So unless we know the figures AND where OP stands in regard to her own father's will, no one can claim it's 'unequal'.

And?
Your experience sounds miles away from the OP's - it's easy to act all lofty when you clearly can't relate.

That's completely unfair - as are the other posters getting at the OP. There's nothing wrong with feeling that your compassion and help isn't being recognised. It's a natural human reaction - even when it comes to your own parents.

This is STILL likely to be considered deprivation of assets and deliberately getting rid of money that would potentially finance any care she might need.

The other half would then have charges put against it for any care costs and would need to then be sold or paid off once your mum had passed away.

If you've tried reasoning with your mum and she is refusing, then not much you can do, but it reads to me that your sister is perfectly capable of helping herself, getting a job etc... but chooses not to, so doesn't massively deserve to get such a financial helping hand. I'd feel resentful!

I'd now pass on the responsibility of looking after your mum to your sister. If she is going to be left a significant amount of money then she might as well earn it by being a carer!

I think you have to have a word with your younger sister and ask her to think carefully about the implications of your mother’s manipulations and what she wants from her own life. Does she want to get to 40, childless, no life experience, no friends, no bf/husband/children of her own

Years spent within the 4 walls being a carer unable to move out and get her own life and being at the beck and call of her mother who will hold the inheritance over her head.
If she is lucky and the mother lives over 7 years from the date she gets 1/2 the house she gets the rest of the house + an inheritance tax bill to be paid

But if the mother dies sooner the house will have to be sold to pay inheritance tax on her half as well as the mothers 1/2 and she will end up with very little

Ultimately a minimum wage job over the same period of time will pay more than she is going to get given to her with all the strings attached.

Whilst she might think being bone idle is ok. Eventually life has a way of making you work and the later you leave it the harder it gets.

66 and in poor health after a lifetime of drinking and smoking and no exercise

Don't think she will last to 76 so the younger dd might be thinking she has a great deal but with all the health complications and the legalities of not living 7 years after she has signed over 1/2 her house I might suggest this mother and younger DD need to see a tax advisor/solicitor about the implications.

I would do exactly as you have OP.

There are limits. Don't be a mug.

My brother and his wife left their house to their daughter as she is exactly how you describe your sister. Living at home. Never even washed a cup. She also got half of whatever money was left while her brother got half the money and no part of the house. It had all been legally handed over to the daughter.

It seemed incredibly mean except that the daughter has died at the age of forty two so it reverted back to her parents who then planned to leave it to my nephew. He's backed right off and told them to shove it and leave it to the cats home.

They now have zero support in their old age. Karma can be a bitch like that.

I think your DM is setting your little sister up to never launch.

My grandma had a similar dynamic with her youngest son, who stayed living at home with her (although he worked) until they both died.

The inheritance thing sucks and I think you're right to pull right back from doing things for your mother so willingly in future. I wouldn't see this as petty, but as reflecting back to her the value she places on you.

One thing I would be very careful of - it happened in my family with grandma and the son who never left home - is to avoid getting sucked into being a carer for your little sister. Your mum is really not teaching her self-reliance, and I can easily see a situation a few years down the line where your mum starts pressuring you to e.g. take little sis to hospital appointments, drop in to check she's OK if your mum has to be away, running errands for her because she can't leave the house etc....

Quite. Funny how everyone says that their parents should do what they want with their money, and when they do they whine about it! The house may never go to anyone anyway - if she requires care then it will pay for that because her savings won't go far.

Money again !! No one is entitled to anything. I got slagged to the ground by my half siblings when my dad gave me my Nan’s house when she passed. They hated my nan, hated her but still thought they should’ve had a share of her property.

Wrong. The average time spent in a care home is 2.5 years. The savings will easily cover that.

In my world you help your parents because they are your parents and not because they leave/do not leave you inheritance.

OP, this is hurtful but the silver lining is that you are learning all this now before you spend another decade going above and beyond for your mother and sister.

Your mother is inadvertently enabling your sister by giving her so much and expecting so little. It seems like your sister may have no reason to get her life sorted out with her grandmother's inheritance, as it is.

Of course it's upsetting when you haven't been handed these things or given financial help, especially when you are the responsible one. I would focus on moving forward with the rest of your life. Your sister has all the time in the world to be a caretaker to your mother when the time comes. Step in as you see fit, but I wouldn't feel duty-bound especially if your sister, who should now be the number one person your mother turns to, fails to step up. I would not feel guilty, either, as your good deeds thus far have clearly been taken for granted.

Instead of seeing this as losing out on your rightful share of the inheritance, I'd focus on all the time and emotional energy you are now gaining.

It won't. It's been handed to the daughter legally so it's ringfenced.

In your world I presume your parents helped each child to grow up and make their own way in the world

This woman is having her potential erased and her life wrecked just so her mother doesn’t have to be on her own.

@Rosscameasdoody, she still gets a share of the house because it is her mothers property. Mums property is split three ways, fathers property only goes to their biological children. And yes she inherited from her biological grandmother but OP also has a biological grandmother of her father who she could inherit from.

This is always where blended families get tricky because it can't be totally fair and even harder for people on the internet to say because we don't know the numbers involved.

Say there was a dripfeed that op's dad was a millionaire (not saying he is). And that OP would have a small fortune when he died. Would that change things? The youngest sister would have way, way less but should OP be forced to share that inheritance? Of course not. Should OPs mum in that instance give 100% of her property to youngest? I'd still say no because she should look after all three of her biological children.

The imbalance of the will could be to try and correct from the fact youngest won't inherit from her father and some of the wealth accrued is from his life insurance which he would want to benefit his child. We don't know the value of the life insurance or the house so can't say if her calculations are fair or not.

All of this is a seperate issue to the fact OP feels unseen and unvalued for her support as she's always the one stepping up but I think the two issues are muddied. She should feel valued and thanked in life for what she's doing regardless of the will.

She may have no choice if she’s stricken with dementia eg.

No it isn't. You can't deliberately deprive the tax man. Neighbours thought they were clever set up a trust gave their home to two children through a trust. HMRC insisted that they pay their children rent at market rate. They dismantled the trust.

Have you seen the price of care homes?

Even the worse ones can be £2000 per WEEK and you could easily pay double

The money she has in savings l, if she is very careful, will take care of around 18 - 20 months before starting on the house equity

You can but there has to be a certain gap or you are seen as depriving yourself of assets. It used to be seven years but I think it's a fair bit more now. My uncle gave his bungalow to my bro legally via a solicitor and lived a further 14 years. He got council funded care. Bro paid the CGT and kept the bungalow.

If "doing what they like with their money" involves a real degree of unfairness - as us the case here - then the parents can't, in turn, complain when feelings are hurt and expect their socially functioning DDs to continue as if nothing is wrong.

20 years ago friends mother was in a residential home for seven years. Her assets 245k were used up the home were throwing her out. Thank the lord she passed just as it ran out. Twenty years on it has to be at least double that at least

But if they're shitty enough parents to tell you they're gonna favour one sibling, you might decide you don't want to be around them so much.