Mum leaving us an unequal inheritance

[InWithPeaceOutWithStress]

I have two sisters, youngest is 25 and still living at home and not working. Failed her degree as got very anxious about one (or two, not sure) of her exams and didn’t sit it. Hasn’t worked or done anything since.

Mum leaving house to her as she sees it as being equally her house whereas me and other sibling have since moved out. Feels really unfair that she is gifted a free home for life whereas we are saddled with our mortgages. Have never received financial help from my parents as an adult, nothing toward house deposit. Mum also has £180k savings which she says will be split between the three of us. My view is that’s her retirement money and she will (and should!) spend it.

It’s her right to do what she wants with her money. I’ve said I expect nothing from her but equally she can expect nothing from me going forward. She has previously relied on me to help her out - DIY around the house, driving her and my little sister around, taking my sister to and from uni at the time, taking in her cats when they got old and needed taking to the vets, I would previously do anything she asked (within reason).

Feels like she’s just using me and if she isn’t treating us fairly she can’t expect as much from me. Previously I had accepted that care in her old age would fall to me, eg driving her to appointments, helping her navigate things and get the right care. As little sister is really passive. She doesn’t cook, clean etc, no interest in learning to drive, or do anything really. I think if little sister isn’t planning to work and simply live off inheritance she should step up with our mum. She’s only 66 and has just retired but she’s been a heavy drinker for decades, only gave up smoking fairly recently, doesn’t exercise, so serious health issues may not be far away. She also can be quite a mean spirited person, not particularly friendly, and can be very rigid.

Feels like the big hearted thing for me to do is simply get over it, continue as I would had she hadn’t told me this, and deal with any resentment within myself as my issue to fix. I also feel quite rigid about this though and feel like I really cba anymore with either her or little sister. AIBU?

They are not equal because they don't share the same father and the little sister's deceased father is what has led to the enormous chunk of savings. That's very simple difference that has nothing to do with 'love'.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · Today 10:59

The OP's mother is doing her sister absolutely no favours by enabling her not to work.
She isn't enabling her. The sister has her own money inherited from her Grandmother.

even if she does own the house mortgage free she will have no income to pay for its upkeep, or for her own daily living expenses.
Why do you think that? Maybe she intends to work when her money has run out. We have no idea how much she has from her inheritance or her spending patterns. She could have enough to last another 10 years for all we know. Probably not what most people would do, but if she wants to live off her inheritance and spend it now, she can.

Being a homeowner may make her ineligible for benefits.
You can apply for benefits even if you own your home outright.

The taxpayer cannot afford to support able bodied adults who are just useless.
The sister is self funding. She isn't a burden on the tax payer and we can't just assume that she will be in the future. We've no idea what direction her life will go in.

Yes and OP has made her life, whereas sister is just a layabout. Whybshould being lazy, be rewarded. That's the whole point of OP.

But it was OP's father's policy that paid for the house. Nothing to do with little sis or her father.
If you're going down the line of whose father paid for what, little sis gets no share in the house.

So by the same token, if little sisters’ biological father had no input into the purchase of the house, why is she inheriting part of that too ?

In the same way that OP's father's divorce settlement to OP's mum has enabled her mum to buy/pay off this house, so by the same logic, this younger sister should have no share of the house to which her father never contributed, never mind 100% of it.

That only matters if the cost of the house is known – or the amount paid off by divorce settlement. A parent dying is MUCH different to a divorce – presumably OP will inherit from her father's death too, whereas her little sister won't.

But the house was paid off by the other children’s father. Swings and roundabouts in this instance. The life insurance was not bequeathed to the last daughter- it was for the mother (to run her home and keep the family afloat). I expect most of it is probably spent. It is almost impossible in this specific scenario what specific money was spent on each child. Best just to treat equally

If the father has wanted his daughter to inherit the life insurance money then she should have been the beneficiary.

Because the mother is splitting the savings that came from the life insurance. It depends how much the house is worth. It depends how much OP will inherit from her father who didn't die. The OP's mother may well be squaring all of that up, but there are no actual figures to say she is or isn't.

If that is the case she should go through the workings with the daughters.

Just because a payout isn't bequeathed to the little sister, it doesn't mean that OP's mother doesn't think it doesn't deserve to go to her, as the one who lost a parent as a small child. The mother, after all, had already paid for her mortgage, and no where does OP say that most of it any (any in fact?) has been spent. She says there is £180k. So it completely depends how much the house is worth.

The OP's father, on the other hand, is presumably alive, and may well be leaving OP another substantial sum.

Not prudent to add a child as a beneficiary to a life insurance policy whatsoever unless you are no longer with the mother.

Why should she? She's an adult who can do maths.

Speak to your DM about a clause, if one is possible, when Dsis dies, the House is split fairly between the siblings or grandchildren.

If DM could split it between the 3 children, stating that Dsis would be entitled to stay there until something changes death/marriage? It'll be sold then.

My aunt inherited my DGM for similar reasons, she left it to, her children, they benefited in life and death, none of the other aunts or dgc did.

If perfectly reasonable that little sister gets all of the life insurance policy since it was her father who passed. That or the equivalent sum in property or party property/part cash. No one here knows that share until the value of house is known.

What also hasn't been said is if OP's father is still alive and what's in his will to go to OP. That's significant and reasonable for the OP's mother to want to square things off for the daughter whose dad died as a child.

My BIL has never partnered or left home. He does work but in a much lower paid job than he is qualified for. MIL had always said he would get the house as he’d always lived there. What she didn’t tell anyone is that he also got equal shares in the rest of the estate. Blatantly unfair but DH and his sister just got on with it and I did admire them for that. No family rift. BIL did look after MIL briefly towards the end of her life. She had dementia in the last couple of years and BIL cared for her for a while then she had to move to a care home. My SIL somehow got her in without selling the house? I don’t understand how, I don’t live in the UK.

In your case OP I don’t really blame you if you decide to step back from helping. This doesn’t have to be a big statement just politely say sorry I’m not available that day can’t sister help you? It’s not right if you get lumped with all the caring then your sister is quids in from the inheritance.

Your mother is being unreasonable. Unless she has plans in place to compensate you and your older sister after her death. Parents should not try to financially mitigate against life choices and life chances. Any inheritance should be split equally between all children.

I also think the generation who massively profited from the rise in house prices and free education owe it to the next generations to pass down that accumulated wealth.

Sorry OP but it really comes across like you only ever did anything for her to get her money

OP complains on this thread that half sister is being treated more generously than her, by their mother.

On another thread, OP notes (philosophically 🤔) that other sister is being treated more generously than OP by both their father and their mother.

OP also notes, about her full sister:

She’s always somehow been better at getting them to pay for / do things for her

So clearly this is not a one-off complaint.

Hmm...

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 22/08/2024 17:11
My parents (divorced) have separately both taken my sister on holiday, paid for it, and I haven’t been invited or given an alternative cash sum or holiday. She’s always somehow been better at getting them to pay for / do things for her. Possibly they are simply closer. I’ve noticed it but I haven’t taken major offence or dwelled on it. It’s one of those things you have to just accept and move on with your own life.

She may refuse. But she might not, sadly, have a choice to choose.

My dad had Lewy body dementia. Like many with dementia he was not safe to live at home. Nor were people around him. he became delusions, agressive and sometimes violent. (No history of this behaviour) Nor the emergency services he kept calling in his delusions. Nor the neighbours bringing him back inside at night after walking around naked.
ok, my dad was sectioned eventually and then had a 117 order so he got a lot of support provided and “only” minimal chargers he had to pay for care. But that isn’t the point. I used to think I could avoid care homes and hated the idea. I still do. But reality has now sunk in. I updated my LPOA to this effect and stopped being so naive.

There are huge numbers of elderly who have deprevation of liberty orders and that means no choice to go into care homes. most of those people in care homes don’t want to be there. My dad didn’t. He was depressed, miserable, frightened and just wanted to go home right up to days before his death.

Your mother would do well to find this out for herself, and make plans and provisions for worst case scenarios. giving her house away and saying she’ll just stay at home and go into care over her dead body is wishful thinking. She’s better off wishing for a cure for dementia in next 10 years- that’s her best chance of ensuring she doesn’t need to go into care homes. That and oddly putting in a full bidet toilet as difficulty with personal hygiene sends women into care homes in more numbers and younger ages than men.

In her other thread it says her sister with the child (who doesnt live with her mum) sent her CAT to live at her Mums, not her and her child.

Oh, and anyone who assumes there kids will look after them at “home” if they get seriously unwell, or develop dementia so as not to go into care home is frankly selfish. Extremely selfish.

for any carer who is dealing with caring for someone with any mental illness there is a 59% chance the carer will develop mental illness themselves. Relatives can’t walk away at the end of a shift. They can’t walk out of a situation and let someone else there at time take over to provide breathing space. They’re on shift 24/7/365. No one can manage that without it impacting their own mental well-being.

I agree it sounds unfair. However, I can understand your Mum's perspective. I imagine she believes your sister will be unable to support herself and perhaps unable ever to earn a living. Perhaps she cooks for her because your sster needs this care. If that's the case, maybe your Mum is merely trying to provide for her future when she can see that you are capably providing for yourself.
I can sympathise with her doing that, although I can also see how you feel about that.

Because you get this situation if you don’t!

Ultimately whether you think it’s right or not, the OP is going to distance herself from her family. Her choice to do that and the mother will lose a relationship with her daughter. The OP is not obligated to be a part of her family and can choose to distance herself for whether reason she wants. The mother might take the moral high ground about it but she will lose her daughter. Always best to be 100% transparent about everything.

if I was the OP’s mother I would sit all the daughters around a table with a Spreadsheet and explain her rationale and how she feels this is the best division in her will. Obviously it might change as life goes on and then you redo.

i have sat down with my parents and gone through their wills. I will do the same with my children - no surprises.

Why does failing your degree make you unable to ever earn a living?

My brother failed his degree, got a non-graduate job, and lives mortgage free in his own (modest) house, of which he is the sole owner, having paid it off early by the age of 35.

When he was the OP's sister's age he was working in a newsagent's.