Mum leaving us an unequal inheritance

[InWithPeaceOutWithStress]

I have two sisters, youngest is 25 and still living at home and not working. Failed her degree as got very anxious about one (or two, not sure) of her exams and didn’t sit it. Hasn’t worked or done anything since.

Mum leaving house to her as she sees it as being equally her house whereas me and other sibling have since moved out. Feels really unfair that she is gifted a free home for life whereas we are saddled with our mortgages. Have never received financial help from my parents as an adult, nothing toward house deposit. Mum also has £180k savings which she says will be split between the three of us. My view is that’s her retirement money and she will (and should!) spend it.

It’s her right to do what she wants with her money. I’ve said I expect nothing from her but equally she can expect nothing from me going forward. She has previously relied on me to help her out - DIY around the house, driving her and my little sister around, taking my sister to and from uni at the time, taking in her cats when they got old and needed taking to the vets, I would previously do anything she asked (within reason).

Feels like she’s just using me and if she isn’t treating us fairly she can’t expect as much from me. Previously I had accepted that care in her old age would fall to me, eg driving her to appointments, helping her navigate things and get the right care. As little sister is really passive. She doesn’t cook, clean etc, no interest in learning to drive, or do anything really. I think if little sister isn’t planning to work and simply live off inheritance she should step up with our mum. She’s only 66 and has just retired but she’s been a heavy drinker for decades, only gave up smoking fairly recently, doesn’t exercise, so serious health issues may not be far away. She also can be quite a mean spirited person, not particularly friendly, and can be very rigid.

Feels like the big hearted thing for me to do is simply get over it, continue as I would had she hadn’t told me this, and deal with any resentment within myself as my issue to fix. I also feel quite rigid about this though and feel like I really cba anymore with either her or little sister. AIBU?

Hi OP,

I am also late to the thread and there has been a lot of talk about what may actually end up happening to your mum's house/money, whereas I think that the part that you are justifiably reacting to is her intention.

In your place, I would 100% have heard "I am leaving the house to your sister because I want to care for her, whereas you'll be fine on your own." You weren't expecting much and were not building plans around an inheritance so it's not about the house/money per say, it is about what the division says about you and your siblings' worth to her. You may feel disregarded and like all your effort is invisible/unappreciated.

I have no useful advice and it sounds like you are already planning on stepping back and dealing with the emotional fallout yourself, I am sorry you have to do this. However, I just wanted to let you know that I hear why you're upset and I would feel the same in your position.

She posted about on a different thread

It almost feels like she's rewarding your sister for not doing much! She hasn't needed to work or get a house of her own, it simply gets handed to her.
Although it sounds like your mum just wants to ensure she doesn't lose the roof over her head of where she is living now, but I wouldn't be very happy about this arrangement.

Exactly

But the sister’s dad died when she was young and op and her older sisters have a dad they will still inherit from.

They were raised in very different circumstances. The sister had a tremendous loss as a child and according to OP her mom became a heavy drinker after she was widowed.

The sister grew up with a deceased father and alcoholic mom.

Your mother is being incredibly short-sighted with regards to her youngest child.

"... 25 and still living at home and not working. Failed her degree as got very anxious about one (or two, not sure) of her exams and didn’t sit it. Hasn’t worked or done anything since."

"... little sister is really passive. She doesn’t cook, clean etc, no interest in learning to drive, or do anything really."

"She’s never dated."

Can your mother really not see that she has failed her daughter, by facilitating her descent into this infantilised half-life? And she intends to continue facilitating it even after death by ensuring she owns the roof over her head?

And that's before you consider that her actions are going to drive a wedge between her daughter and her sisters.

For your sister's sake, I think you SHOULD step back. Because in a second-hand sort of way, you have also facilitated this infantilisation. By facilitating your mother in practical ways like driving her to appointments, you have facilitated her facilitation.

You stepped up when you were only 18 to support your bereaved and heavy-drinking mother. I suspect you are still 'stepped up'. I doubt she showed any gratitude for this at the time, and if she ever felt it then it has long-since morphed into entitlement to your help. And this sense of entitlement towards you is playing into her decision just as much as your sister's dad's death.

Step back. Tell your mother that if she truly loves her youngest then she must stop infantilising her and instead demand that her 25-year-old able-bodied adult gets her finger out her arse and starts adulting. She should be sharing the household cooking and cleaning. She should be looking for a job. She should be preparing for life after her mother dies and is no longer wiping her arse for her, FFS!

Step back. For their sake, as well as yours. You sound mentally exhausted by the pair of them.

What other thread ? Can you link to it ? Because l can’t find anything where anything like this has been said. And OP has already said the property was nothing to do with her sisters’ father.

I can’t find anything about it - can you link to it ?

Classic case of being lazy/ not working as hard/ not taking personal responsibility being rewarded, while hard work/ taking initiative/ personal responsibility, is punished.

how a loving parent can treat their children so unequally and unfairly is baffling

But that’s the disagreement here.

some people (like you) think they should provide for their children according to need - equity as you say.

some people (like me) think need is irrelevant. You are all equal children and therefore get treated equally. your inheritance (whatever the amount) is in simply a gift for being the person’s child. No other conditions attached.

(I make an exception where a child has ‘earned’ a greater share due to looking after a parent at the expense of their own career and independent life but in that instance the greater share would be compensation for loss of earnings rather than a gift. That compensation can be valued and separated from the gift element which should be equal to the others)

most posters seem to agree with the latter view.

I found it . She has also posted about being resentful that her sister went on holiday with mother and she wasn't given a similar amount of money!

Well yes but if it's the choice between one daughter getting kicked out when you die or splitting equally on the off chance the other two might get ill later what would you do? I'm not saying that's the direct situation here or that the decision the mum is making us fair just that I can potentially understand where it's coming from

I see too.

But there is where you can go and see a solicitor and say...

'i'd like to leave my house to my 3 children but with the proviso that x child can live in it until she decides to move out'

if someone is not even willing to look at an alternative then thats pretty sad

OP - whether you're right/wrong/entitled or whatever your mum has sent you a little bit of a message, all you can do is accept it make your decisions based on that going forward

But OP and her other sister were children of divorce, and the house was nothing to do with little sisters’ dad, so surely a fairer split is little sister inherits the savings provided by her dad’s insurance policy and OP and older sister get a 50/50 share of the property. Little sister seemingly does nothing while OP does all the running round for her mum. It’s nothing to do with the expectation of inheritance - it’s about the unfairness. OP and older sister may be inheriting from their father but little sister has already had one inheritance from her grandmother but is choosing to live off it rather than work. There’s an imbalance here that on the face of it seems weighted towards the youngest sister and smacks very much of favouritism.

I really do dislike unequal inheritance unless there is a very good reason such as one child cut the parents off completely or they are a drug addict or something. It just seems unfair and causes splits and divisions behind after the death instead of siblings having each others back.

You've made your points to her. She's made her choice. Strongly advise her to financial/legal advice. Then you've done your 'duty'. Then step away.

Not grim at all

The only grim thing in this is the mother’s refusal to act as a parent and help her child start her life. Probably because she likes having a ready made partner to chat to and do things with.

Wonder if the mother “helped” younger sister get in such a panic that she failed to sit her exams. Her mother knowing that if she got a degree, younger sister would move out and she would be alone

I would approach younger sister with cheeky comments like get 1/2 a house lose 1/2 your life, seems like someone got a bargain…. and that isn’t you.

Only when it comes to inheritance is there no laws against unfairness. Other countries guard against this, why can’t the UK

I didn’t inherit from my father who died intestate and my uncle took everything. (Denied he had a child) My mother was never going to leave me anything, everything was going to go to my cousins (Will drawn up when I was a child)

Even exh missed out on inheriting. Mil and fil stated that there wills were 50/50 between both their dc. They would never leave one more than the other.

I laughed and said I didn’t believe them. Why change the habits of a lifetime.
Whole family going back generations left everything to the eldest DS and other children were left nothing (exh was the youngest DS)

Exh had a huge argument with me about how his parents weren’t like that.

Guess who inherited a 7 figure sum and 3 houses last year when mil died (Not Exh)

Given that little sister is the youngest, stipulating that she can live in it for as long as she chooses effectively means the other two may never see their inheritance.

It’s always difficult to write a post like this but my DH could written have very similar. The youngest of three, who hadn’t achieved academically and hadn’t trodden the route of independence, was therefore to be overcompensated in inheritance - the house plus all savings.

Resentment grew from siblings who had worked and had mortgages as they felt punished for their success. This is not equalling out but disadvantaging AC. Yes, I’ve said it. Until anyone has been in this position, no counter-argument applies.

Regardless of their circumstances, shouldn’t a parent protect and care for all children equally? Youngest had had the same opportunities but not used them, had shedloads of reasons/excuses. There was such a hefty imbalance emotionally and financially.

What happened? The eldest did exactly what you have done OP. Ultimately parent went into care home, fees were paid, parent died. Unbeknown to siblings parent had listened and rewritten the will. Youngest, no longer the sole inheritor, employed a no-win no-fee solicitor who used sustained nastiness for six months to gain a third. I’m not advocating this << shudder >> but showing what did happen and that it was so bad it destroyed forever all contact with youngest.

Show your mum this. Does she realise the consequences of her wishes?

Wow, that puts a different perspective on it.

The way to get income and work experience is by working.

The OP's mother is doing her sister absolutely no favours by enabling her not to work. What happens if the current situation continues for another 15 years and then the OP's mother dies? Her sister will be 40, may or may not own a home mortgage free (as others have said, this is not a foolproof plan to prevent it from being sold to pay for care), and even if she does own the house mortgage free she will have no income to pay for its upkeep, or for her own daily living expenses. Being a homeowner may make her ineligible for benefits. The taxpayer cannot afford to support able bodied adults who are just useless.

Sooner rather than later the OP's sister is going to need some sort of income, and the later she leaves it the harder it will be.

Why? Surely it is just evidence of her mother’s favouritism to her sister.

I totally agree - but something is better than nothing, and at least the equal (ish) thought is there

She hasn't provided a link as requested though. I have checked the threads started by OP and there are no comments from OP like this.

Until this poster provides a link to this particular post, I would take it with a grain of salt. There have been other posts completely misrepresenting things that OP is supposed to have said.

well if you and your other siblings already have mortgages, you already have houses?

and if your sister is anxious and she's worried about her, she's probably trying to make sure he most vulnerable child doesn't end up homeless or reliant on her sibling not selling the house form under her or kipping on one of their sofas?

its her house. and her money.

ask for a larger share of money if in lieu of the house. but as those are the direct proceeds of DS father death i can understand why she has included her. And i assume some of that money has been used in the maintenance and upkeep of the house.